#bedbugsbiting

[xanadontit]

bedbugsbiting

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Partner emailed Boss that she saw a “really...

I had a coworker who called in because of “an intense massage” and didn’t understand why people had a problem with that.

Oh Christ on a crutch! No. 

[bomberqueen17]

bedbugsbiting replied to your post “more chronicles of dude’s coworker: the man, we’ll call him J, has...”

I seriously thought uvas was going to be a slang for balls.

You know, it probably is, but I don’t know where that would have landed him, in the grocery store.

He also had a story about asking for a cucaracha in a restaurant, instead of a cuchara. The proprietor stared at him in shock and he was like “... what did I just say?” 

[abloodymess]

bedbugsbiting replied to your photo: I am watching Candyman. Virginia Madsen is kinda...

That is one of my faaaaaaaaaaaaavorites.

Best horror movie of the 90s imo. 

[bomberqueen17]

bedbugsbiting replied to your post “[[MOR] He just turns the water on full-blast full-heat and points it...”

I am cringing about the hot water.

I came up in the kind of house where you turn the shower off while you’re scrubbing yourself or shampooing your hair, and turn it back on to rinse, because it’s wasteful to stand out of the spray and have it still running. I came up in the kind of house where you don’t turn the water on to rinse your toothbrush until after you’ve already finished brushing and spit already. I grew up with a well and a persnickety water heater and no water pressure, so you didn’t flush the toilet while someone was washing dishes without warning them. 

So like. It viscerally hurts me. It’s like actual blasphemy to me. *shudder*

[bomberqueen17]

runawaymarbles replied to your post “breaking things”

You can put toothbrushes or something in the mug

duck-satellite replied to your post “breaking things”

you gotta smash a plate, or a glass, or something else you don't care about, real quick. these things do come in threes but you can divert the bad luck to a kitchen plate instead of a treasure

subversivegrrl replied to your post “breaking things”

Also, you can put pens in it?

subversivegrrl replied to your post “breaking things”

Two decades since 1997. I know, it's impossible, but it's true.

bedbugsbiting replied to your post “breaking things”

Oh no :(

HOW DID I MISS THAT IT’S TWO DECADES

HOW HAS IT BEEN TWENTY YEARS SINCE I WENT TO NORWAY FOR CHRISTMAS

I mean. I guess. It’s. Yeah. My cousins are dads. That was the 90s. It’s been a while. 

I AM SO OLD

I am so hesitant to smash anything on purpose though, what if it doesn’t work? I’m such a hoarder I can’t think of a single breakable thing that I wouldn’t be super upset to break. I don’t think I can bring myself to smash anything. I’ll just have to wait and see what breaks. 

I might try to glue it together and put a dried floral arrangement in it. That might work. Since I make those a lot, and all. I never make them for myself though, hmmm. 

[bomberqueen17]

bedbugsbiting replied to your photo “UNLESS THE TROY PD FILL THE FORM OUT WRONG AND THEN LIE TO YOU WHEN...”

What the hell? You have to pay?

Yup! Apparently the form as filled-out serves absolutely no purpose to the Department of Motor Vehicles. No recourse, no appeal. She said “go back to the cops and get it filled out right” and I said “you know Troy is 300 miles away right” and she was like “bummer”. That’s it. No appeal, no nothing! I’m out eighteen bucks, which is like... well, given that I had twenty bucks to last me the week, is a lot!

Fuckers. I’m just. So angry! I’d be mad at myself if I’d just taken the form and said huh and ignored that it was filled out wrong, but I pointed it out instantly. There are a bunch of ticky boxes and you checked the wrong one, sir, this isn’t accurate.

Fuck you, Troy PD! Fuck you.

Also, I gave you an open-and-shut case, including video footage and multiple witnesses, and you instantly got the guy’s name and home address, and failed to either arrest him or you know, ask him where he ditched the rest of my property apart from the credit cards he was fraudulently using.

I could probably go and find him faster than they could. Fucking... whatever, guys, even if it’s a minor case I figured it’d be good for your stats or something! Christ. 

Did I link to the story my sister instantly found about the cop who took my report? That was like, his first day back on the job after being suspended for drunkenly driving into the back of a police van with its lights on in a neighboring town. 

I guess that should have clued me in, but I just-- didn’t expect a cop to straight-up lie about something that literally did not matter to him and was the difference between me being able to use the form or not. 

[bomberqueen17]

bedbugsbiting replied to your photo “WHO GOT THEIR WALLET STOLEN IN TROY LIKE A DUMBASS and what dumbass...”

UGH. Well, at least it was a stupid thief. Stupid ones are easier to stop, though it would be better if they just didn't even try.

oh my god SO STUPID! The entirety of that section of Third Street is solid with cameras because #1 the county clerk’s office is on 3rd st, #2 there is a HUGE bus depot on the next block where basically every bus line in Troy comes together so there are always a million people around, and #3 there are so many fights at the bar I was standing next to when I dropped it (or so I surmise; I lost it somewhere within less than a 100-foot walk, 20 feet of which was a busy street, and missed it within two minutes; I had several layers on, I think I put it between layers accidentally, and it fell out when I turned my body to throw my gum into the garbage can next to the bar. I noticed ALMOST INSTANTLY-- but he’d been standing right there, and I’m sure he saw it fall; there’s a stoop, there’s always dudes sitting on it, it’s right next to the garbage can where I threw out my piece of gum, and my wallet’s bright blue). 

And then he took it to a LIQUOR STORE where he goes DAILY, and LOOKED AT the camera by the door, and then stood in full view of the camera behind the register, talking to the cashier WHO KNOWS HIM, standing next to the owner who ALSO KNOWS HIM, and then went down to the convenience store down the street (retracing his steps! walking past me in the process!) and got the card declined because by then I’d noticed it was missing and called the credit card company! They texted me and I said “IBB Smoke Shop?” and my sister pointed at it (we’d just done a lap of the block looking in all the garbage cans, figuring a smart person would yank the cash out and throw the wallet into the trash and make their getaway and I’d be happy to call this all even and just get on with my life but nooooo) and said “that’s the store on the corner” which we were within eyeshot of.

HE WAS STANDING THERE AS I WALKED IN {cut for drama! and clickbait! and length! tl;dr reader, i did not punch him}

 but the clerk was too chickenshit to tell me that. I noticed him, though, because I nearly bumped into him, and he was with another dude and they were muttering about “maybe try the one across the street”, and I was like all squint-eyed like is that him and then I was like surely not but no. No, it was him.

But here’s the best part, when his (my!) card declined, he told the convenience store clerk “oh it’s because i just used it at the liquor store, i bet i went over the limit” HOW DUMB ARE YOU BRO YOU JUST TOLD ME WHERE TO GO! So, it being like, a minute later, the chickenshit clerk is not too chickenshit to relay this to us, and is like, “they have a really good camera system! I don’t know how to use ours here, he’s on the camera for sure but i don’t know how to rewind it, but i know the one at the liquor store, the owner’s always there, he knows how to use it!” 

So we went down the block (seriously. one block.) and I said, having gotten the statement from the credit card company in the meantime, “hey did a guy just come in here and use a credit card with a chick’s name on it to spend $60.45?” and the clerk was like “bang right here yes I thought it was weird, Miguel comes in every day and never uses a credit card, I thought it was odd that he had one, but I didn’t want to be a dick” and the owner was like “i thought it was funny too, let’s rewind the video,” and sure enough, I was like THAT’S THE GUY THAT WAS COMING OUT OF THE CONVENIENCE STORE and they were like oh yeah, that’s Miguel. The clerk reprinted the receipt and handed it to me and I was like yep, that’s the last four of my credit card.

[by the way. there are no less than five men behind the counter of the liquor store, and three more standing in the various aisles. at first i thought it must be between shifts or some kind of social grouping, but as the evening wore on i realized, no, this is a liquor store in a sort of bad neighborhood, those kids are working security. extra bonus points: they’re all pretty clearly related to the owner. extra extra bonus points: they’re all sort of beefy except one skinny nerd of like 20 who is very obviously the only one there who actually knows how to use the cash register. extra extra bonus points: my drama is The Highlight Of The Evening and many community members turn up to witness it. They all agree, Miguel’s a piece of shit who’s too old to be pulling this kind of stunt.]

My sister calls the police, and the owner says, “gimme a minute,” and goes outside, and comes back in and is like, “he’s standing down the alley there selling the bottle of Hennessy he just bought here” and my sister’s like IMMA GO FIGHT HIM and I’m like middle-little, you cannot go fight him, this is a matter for the authorities. She’s like BUT I WANNA and I’m like, child, you are Not Allowed. [Bonus points: Middle-Little is a gun nerd and has her concealed carry permit and you bet your ass, anytime she’s wearing pants, she’s carrying, and tonight I happen to know she put pants on in honor of my arrival (she’s in the midst of finals at grad school so there have not been a lot of pants lately). jesus christ my child, do not get into a fight with the kind of man who visits the liquor store daily. you cannot trust a man of this sort to be sensible. i cannot trust you to be sensible, apparently. I already knew all my sisters are ride or die but I’d rather they didn’t, though. YOU ARE THIRTY-FIVE FIND SOME CHILL.]

So the cops turn up, too late to see Miguel apparently, but there are three or four of them, all white men of between the ages of 21 and 24, and every one of them recognizes Miguel from the camera. None of them is sure of his last name. They’re all familiar with him. “He’s, ah. Around a lot,” one of them says delicately.

One of them takes my report. I have time to observe his special smartphone pocket in his bulletproof vest. Later in the evening I have occasion to observe that cops all have different smartphones but they all use the same pocket of their vest to hold it. He uses his smartphone and radio near-constantly and for obviously-different purposes. 

I file the report, the guy says I can have a copy later if i want. I am unclear of what i’d do with such a thing but I suppose it’s, you know, good to have. (Maybe I can carry it in lieu of my driver’s license so that I can drive my car home and if the cops stop me, not be in so much trouble for not being able to produce my license.)

I drive out to the farm. (15 minutes.) Unwind, have a drink, eat a little bit. (of course i lost my wallet on the way TO dinner. ugh.) Get into pajamas. Get into bed. My phone rings. Unknown. I almost don’t answer it, but then I’m like, thinking of that smartphone pocket. Surely the police wouldn’t use an unknown number? But. But. I pick up.

It’s the police. They got a positive ID on the guy. They didn’t arrest him yet though because, get this, now I have to file a statement swearing I didn’t authorize anyone to use my card, and also asking them to arrest this guy specifically for doing so. Like-- that’s what it was, I couldn’t give a statement without knowing the guy’s name, apparently. 

So I put some pants on and wear my pajama top back down to Troy and go into the police station (oh my god, i’ve been in police stations before and this is the direst one I’ve ever seen, it is terrifying white walls and cracked marble floor and blind hallways with locked doors) and the guy tells me the name (and date of birth! 1989, he says, grimly, “too old for this kind of stunt”, like there’s an age limit on being the kind of man who sits on stoops making noises at women who walk by and then tries to buy things with their credit cards) of the suspect, and writes a statement for me, and takes his smartphone out of his special smartphone pocket to text people in the interim. [It did seem work-related, but it was kind of funny.]

Meanwhile his radio is talking about a man threatening a woman with a gun, someone else getting beat up, a bunch of shit like that, and i’m like, my life is so easy, but also, my fucking passport card was in that wallet. (side note: everyone in Buffalo has the passport card. When you get a regular US passport you can get an additional one that’s just one piece of plastic like a driver’s license and goes in your wallet, and it’s just good for Mexico and Canada, and everyone gets those because almost everyone just uses it for Canada anyway. Here in Troy? Nobody has ever heard of that. You mean an enhanced license? the cop asked, brow furrowed. [this cop was older than me. i mentioned how young everyone else was and he was like tell me about it.] No, I said, real actual US government passport, it’s got RFID stuff in it and all. Wow, he said. Yeah ok. Sounds expensive. Yeah, I said mournfully.)

So. Yeah, the guy said, we know who it is and where he lives, and they were gonna go see if they could pick him up just now. If they don’t get him, I mean, we know where he lives, and with this statement now we can put out a warrant. 

I just want my wallet back, I say. 

I don’t know how you get your license replaced without money, but I don’t know how to get money without ID.

I should mention, this is the credit card I lost all on my own last time I was traveling, and received the replacement for and activated on Monday, so. I deserve negative points for Competent Adulting. 

[bomberqueen17]

bedbugsbiting replied to your post “bedbugsbiting replied to your photo “WHO GOT THEIR WALLET STOLEN IN...”

I wonder if he was already drunk before he went to get more liquor because wow.

That’s my working theory. I know he was sitting on the stoop by the bar because when I stopped to throw my gum away I turned to avoid facing that stoop, because the guys on it always say shit or ask for money or make noises and it’s just better if you don’t look at them. They sit there drinking stuff in brown paper bags from the corner store.

If he wasn’t drunk, he’s that stupid. Even if he’d gone three blocks, I wouldn’t have walked that far, I wouldn’t have been confident enough to ask the clerk to review the video footage, would have taken that much longer to get the cops involved before I figured out what was going on. Also VIDEO CAMERAS BRO, how do you not notice that the liquor store you visit every day has the monitor turned so you can see yourself in it as you pay? That’s deterrence, that and his five nephews standing there-- he doesn’t want trouble, there’s nothing subtle about this. It’s like a big neon DON’T DO A CRIME HERE sign.

bedbugsbiting replied to your post “bedbugsbiting replied to your photo “WHO GOT THEIR WALLET STOLEN IN...”

WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS.

Yeah, that’s really what it boils down to. So I’m out the $60 or $80 or whatever was in the wallet, that’s the idiot tax, but now I have to figure out how to replace literally everything and start over. While 300 miles from home!!! Of course!!!

At least I wasn’t traveling abroad or in an unfamiliar city or anything. I can borrow money from my sister or parents, the DMV’s right down in Troy even though it’s not my local DMV, there’s a branch of the credit union I use (which is only in this state, but it’s a big state, so) right across the street from the police station... it’s just going to be a pain in the ass forever.

sugarspiceandcursewords replied to your photo “WHO GOT THEIR WALLET STOLEN IN TROY LIKE A DUMBASS and what dumbass...”

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, are you ever owed some good karma. This whole (month? Year? Epoch?) has been utter bullshit.

Am I? I can’t even tell anymore, sometimes I just feel like everything has been dark and annoying forever and always will be. 

Ugh, it’s after midnight and Farmbaby will probably be excited to see me tomorrow, which of course is great and i love but it is going to be So Early. I’m just... ready for it to be So Early. Ugh. I’m too keyed-up to sleep. Ugh.

god damn you miguel you are such a pain in the ass i would never have cared if you’d just kept the cash and ditched my fucking wallet