#bee ayers

[authenticparanoidghosts]

kagekitsuneoflight replied to your post: Ok. What is a pizza sandwich? How does Bee make...

Why couldn’t a pizza sandwich just be pizza in between two slices of pizza

you make a compelling point

@komodoclassic please, take a look at this excellent suggestion

[authenticparanoidghosts]

I went through your entire Alex and Bee tag being entirely unfamiliar with the characters and when it was over I was already missing them... please tell us more about them... I'm content deprived

omg…….how about the very basics of their story?

Alex (full name: Alejandro “Alex” Park) - bike messenger, part-time soccer ref, and aspiring hitman - was hired to kill Bee (full name: Baldassario “Bee” Anthony Ayers) - a first-year law student, fresh out of undergrad

he kind of fucked it up pretty bad

(like really hilariously awfully)

((he maybe asked Bee out on a date in order to get close to him))

(((it may have been the worst date in history)))

so Bee (and Alex) survive the attempted murder and Bee (who has known Alex for MAYBE two weeks) reveals that he’s also a reckless idiot and instead of calling the police, he uses the whole incident as blackmail material

that’s right

he blackmails Alex, the guy who is being paid to kill him, into pretending to be the perfect boyfriend just so he can prove a point to his friends and family

the point being “Bee is capable of maintaining an adult relationship with a respectable and mature person”

Bee, who is FAKE DATING HIS HITMAN, is absolutely not capable of this, but goddammit, he can’t let his family know that they’re right

they kind of gave up on him after an ex tried to steal his dog

or maybe after he dated the girl who got into a knife fight with his landlord

Bee is not known for his sense of self-preservation

Alex, who wants money but wants to not be in jail infinitely more, agrees to this arrangement pretty easily

he just kinda……stops checking in with the people who hired him.  and starts hanging out with Bee, like, all the time.

it turns out that they get along like a house on fire

you know, when no one is trying to secretly kill the other

they have shockingly compatible personalities

the fake boyfriend thing turns out to be SUPER easy to pull off

the people who hired Alex are NOT pleased that he’s (as far as they can tell by all the pictures their target has been posting online) abandoned the job in favor of dating the shit out of Bee

so they hire a second hitman

gotta tie up loose ends

they need Bee dead and now Alex has gone rogue (and knows too much, despite everything he actually knows boiling down to “someone hired me to kill Bee”), so he’s slated to get the axe too

it doesn’t take long for Alex and Bee to realize someone else is trying to kill them

like it really only takes one incident for it to become crystal fucking clear that someone really, really wants them dead

but they can’t go to the police at this point bc A) Alex would get arrested, and B) it would absolutely destroy the fiction they’ve worked so hard to create about Bee’s love life being totally not made-up or insane, and C) what if the police laugh at them?

so they’re just running around trying very, very hard not to die (and escaping assassination attempts in incredibly comedic and cartoonish ways)

thus begins the mystery: Who Is Trying To Kill Bee Ayers?

additional mysteries include: Is That Another Hitman Or Just My New Neighbor? and Is There Anything Bee Won’t Eat (Besides Peanuts Because He’s Allergic)?

and that’s…like….the first arc of the story.  the following arcs have themes like:

Oh Shit, An Evil (?) Twin Plot?

Why Is Bee’s Name Like That (Did His Parents Hate Him?)

How To Stop Your Brother From Killing Your Boyfriend, Despite His Concerns Being Totally Valid

Why Isn’t Beck’s Name Like That (WTF @ Bee’s Parents)

Alex And Bee Make A New Friend

Alex And Bee Make Poorly Timed Puns

What’s The Return Policy On Family Members You Didn’t Realize You Had (Store Credit Is Fine, Just Get Them Out Of My Life)

Everyone Is Definitely Going To Jail Forever

How To Assert Dominance Over Your Siblings

How To Fake Your Death And Move To China

How To Get Your Fake Boyfriend To Be Your Real Boyfriend (Please Help)

@komodoclassic has co-custody of Alex and Bee and their story, so feel free to hit her up for additional info/a second perspective!

[authenticparanoidghosts]

tell us why baldassario is problematic

YOUR FAVE IS PROBLEMATIC: Baldassario Anthony Ayers

isn’t even a real Italian what a poser

consistently awful taste in romantic partners

have you ever been really into insurance fraud? stolen a dog? gotten into a knife fight with your landlord? he’s into it

a LAW STUDENT who gets poisoned by someone who freely admits that he’s a hitman and decides NOT to call the police

promotes CRIME

cares more about his reputation with his friends and family than his own life

eats dumb and sometimes dangerous foods

“it’s called cereal salad.” “this is a bunch of dry cereal in a bag” “yeah, like how fruit salad is a bunch of fruit in a bowl”

way too hard to kill.  like, cartoonishly hard to kill.

nearly gets assassinated by date, makes out with him anyways

hasn’t slept in the past 36 hours, probably, still thinks he’s someone who can make rational decisions 

forgets to tell his brother that he knows his boyfriend was hired to kill him but don’t worry, everything is totally cool, please don’t have him “””taken care of””” and please never use that tone of voice again 

bad at sports

thinks he can make fake dating work in real life despite being aware that real life is not a romcom and that this is spectacularly dumb

lies about his name not being Baldassario