For those curious about the lore of Xenoblade.
Klaus was an Apple Employee. Apple took over the world and started using their iMecha to rule the world, so then the Saviorite Rebels decided to fight back because they didn’t want the world be controlled by a fucking tech company. This caused Apple to do the unthinkable, create Androids (the Aegises) to fight back. During a battle near the iStation, Rhadamanthus, Klaus’s boss decided to activate iOnios, but Klaus instead decided that he would rather be an iGod. However, Galea, a spy working for Google, tried to stop him. Which broke the multiverse in half. In one reality, immediately after Klaus pressed the button, Galea bitch-slapped him and that made Ontos give her enough girlboss points to turn her into an iGod. In the other universe, Galea was really fucking slow and became an iZombie like the rest of humanity.
In the new iEarth, Klaus realized half his body was missing. In fact, the rift stole his dick (rude). Saddened by his missing penis, he ended the reign of Apple by covering the world in Pneuma’s and Logos’s iClouds. Then turned all the Core Crystals into iLands. Thus life was born. Meanwhile, in the new dimension that Klaus and Galea lived in, Klaus created the biOnis (it’s bisexual) while Galea decided to spite him by creating a giant fucking Android, which Klaus dubbed the Mechonis. Klaus really wanted to make the two titans fuck, which made Galea realize that her spite didn’t work because she underestimated how much of a weeb Klaus was. Which she really should’ve seen coming after learning that Pneuma had, like, G sized cups (he was trying to make them I sized so that the one saving grace of his androids would be their iCups, but he was laughed out because everyone kept saying I C U P). Ontos, could not remember their real names, so he referred to them by their Minecraft usernames (Microsoft was like the Switzerland of this war, so both Apple and Android employees could legally buy their products, this was solely because no one wanted to live a life without Minecraft); zanzam042 and mey_meth609. In order to preserve their dignity, the iGods changed their names by one letter each, becoming Zanza and Meyneth.
In Alrest, Klaus had completely rejected his identity as an Apple Employee, thus he allowed life to do as it will. Though he did make iNdol’s inhabitants look like Apple Products, a move made out of nostalgia for his ancient past. As an iPeople, the iNdoline had longer than average lifespans, weighed 2lbs, and could play tetris. This made them the defacto religious power. A man by the name of iMalthus decided to climb the iTree, There, he found two shiny rocks. One rock turned into a big man. The other turned into a blond lady with depression. The big man decided to use his iWMDs to destroy an iLand, just cuz. Which made everyone want the depressed white girl to blow him up. Unfortunately, she accidentally blew up another iLand in the process. So, the populace decided to seal away the ultimate Apple Products at the bottom of the ocean.
In the iWorld, Zanza decided he was tired of Meyneth’s stupid Android world, so he decided to use his iSword to cut the Android in half, recreating the battle of the original world. He used iBioweapons to infiltrate the Mechonis, his iBioweapons glowed in the dark and had the same battery life as the iPhone127-DX, which allowed Meyneth to retaliate by getting them all stoned. Enraged that his master plan didn’t work and realizing that the biOnis was already at 10% power despite only being active for 3 minutes and 45 seconds, he knew that a sacrifice must be made to secure victory. He unleashed an army of iRachnids on the iAnts, extincting them permanently. With their liFe energy, he waged war with Mechonis. Like in his split of reality, this ancient rivalry resulted in a draw. While the biOnis had more firepower and a sleeker build, the Mechonis had more charisma and a 10 mile long sword. Realizing that he would have to go into iBernation, Zanza turned the telethia into iEntia for efficient storage (coloqually known as High Entia to make fun of Meyneth’s weed addiction, despite Meyneth having never smoked a blunt, for she preferred to use old-school cigars due to no longer having lungs to ruin). Meyneth, too, went into hibernation. Her Androids were very sad, so they built a statue in her honor and then chose to live on her disembodied arm.
Many years later, in both worlds, some british kid was collecting random garbage only to get attacked by a random crustacean. Which was not the worst part of their day. No, they would instead experience a single atrocity, at the hands of a guy with a white face, which they only might know to be a mask, only to then pick up their trusty iSword and fight a guy with black armor.
Sualk, Zanza’s attempt to make Ontos say his original name, only for Ontos to “glitch” and spell said name backwards. He decided that Sualk is too awkward to pronounce, so he changed his vessel’s name to Shulk. Then decided that he was going to kill every Android in all of existence. This lasted all of 3 weeks, when he met Ontos in person and realized that he was really fucking hot. Then he learned that Androids can be people too (for reference, this is propaganda on Monolith’s part). He then proceeded to make friends with Egil, who is sometimes referred to by his deadname, eGirl, by Zanza, who is officially the world’s first and only boomer (because he made the world go boom). Dickson, known as Dickdick by the nopon, could not let this slander stand. Despite smoking weed, Dickson was also transphobic and sexist, so he could not stand to see Zanza’s name being slandered by touching an eGirl. He did the only logical course of action and shot his son in the face (tho his aim was a bit shit because, unlike Meyneth, Dickson was smoking blunts, which caused him to hit Shulk’s heart instead). Ontos, enraged that Shulk no longer existed to make Zanza’s day slightly worst, decided to revive him for shits and giggles. This was secretly a mistake on Ontos’s part, because Shulk then proceeded to unexist the concept of Godhood, thus unintentionally banishing Ontos to the shadow realm.
Meanwhile, following the journey of Rex (who did not yet have enough testosterone to call himself T Rex). Pyra, who had initially called herself iFire, but decided to change the name after Addam was too stupid to understand the difference between “iFire” and “I Fire,” decided to revive Rex because unlike her creator, Pyra was not a transphobe. Though in Addam’s defense, he also didn’t know how to spell his own name, so perhaps iFire was expecting a bit too much from him when she told him her name. After fending off Bads and riding iZurda to iGoth (known as Torigoth to the local catgirls), Pyra allowed Rex to stare at her boobs from a nice low angle. Little did she know that Rex took this as an insult and immediately jumped off her. Pyra, taking this as a sign that being a fire type did not, in fact, make her hot, breathed a sigh of relief. While wandering aimlessly through the forest, iZurda decided to upgrade himself, becoming 10,000x lighter and becoming slightly easier to shove into your pocket, costing only the small fee of Rex’s entire house. Though this new model lacked any of the combative or transportive capabilities of its older counterpart, iZurda2 was more marketable due to closely resembling a plush toy. During their travels, Rex and Pyra met the self-proclaimed Queen of Anus, Nia and her butler, who had a passion for writing poetry despite his utter lack of thumbs. While Rex and Pyra walked everywhere, Nia rode pussy. They soon met a number of actual monarchs. As a terrorist, banned from setting foot on any nation, Nia got along well with these global superpowers. Bads would not let these happy times last. Thus, they kidnapped Pyra. Jin even punched her before telling Rex that he was bad at Driving, which Rex took insult to despite cars not existing. So much that Rex considered giving up his quest. Nia snapped him out of his downward spiral by lovingly punching him in the face so hard that he was sent to the emergency room for a concussion. When he returned, he’d forgotten everything about his journey and decided to go home. Somehow, this was the correct decision, as he found the secrets to the universe in some cave. This inspired Nia to reveal her true powers to Rex. Like Rex, Nia was also trans. But unlike Rex, she was so good at it that she unlocked the ability to give bigots cancer. Using that power, they saved Pyra and Mythra, who decided to become green and call themselves Siri. Rex, Nia, and Pyra ascended the iTree, where they met Klaus. Rex wondered how Klaus was able to maintain his impeccable abs despite the rest of his body being withered away and the man clearly having never exorcised once in the past 1.7 billion years. It was a far more interesting question than listening to the man’s 30 minutes long senile rant. Rex eventually shut him up by telling him he was Gay for Bads. He then left the room to go kill Bads.
With Klaus finally fucking dead, the timeline tried to recover. Unfortunately, this caused a plethora of merge errors, which would result in the utter annihilation of everything. The worlds used radios to communicate, and decided to create backups of their population, with one person from each acting as the failsafe should the directive fail. As the only existing monarch, Melia became the representative of Shulkonis (a name they agreed on because it would eternally annoy Shulk). Meanwhile, Nia became the representative of Alrest because everyone agreed that it would be funny to officially crown her Queen of Anus. During this period of time, Nia had sex with T Rex’s entire polycule and they had 3 children, Nio, Mia, and Mio (it took them three attempts to get the name right, which is why they had so many kids). Shulk did not get to have sex, because Shulkonis was under threat from the Shadow Realm kept tears holes in reality that an army of iZombies would come out of. They called it “the Fog” because it looked nothing like fog. Despite each world’s woes and hoes, the day was upon them that Shulkonis and Alrest would fuse. Unfortunately, Alvis reappeared from the Shadow Realm and cut Shulk’s arm off. Offended by this behavior, Shulk built a cool prosthetic for himself. Dunban was a bit envious that Shulk got to have a functioning right arm but he didn’t. Unfortunately, that was Shulk’s final invention because he accidentally gave his prosthetic arm super sharp laser claws, causing him to laser claw everything he tried to touch. He and T Rex then gathered an Army consisting of 7 people to wage war against the iMonad. Riku, the first of Riki’s son’s (Riki also had 14 kids in an attempt to figure out how to name them), created an iKatana during that battle. Having missed the memo that the iSwords were supposed to have names vaguely reminiscent of soup, decided to call his iSword the Lucky Seven, in honor of the seven people that tried to stab Alvis in the face.
This failed. Instead Z, who suspiciously had nothing to do with Zanza, decided it would be funny to create iOnios. Nia, having finally realized that she was, in fact, the sole ruler of the Militaristic Nation of Anus, decided, for the sake of her people’s dignity, to change the name by a single letter, thus resulting in Agnus. Melia, also changed her nation’s name from Shulkonis to Keves. After Shulk’s death, it seemed rather unnecessary to refer to Shulkonis as such. While all of this was happening, Riki went on an adventure to stick the Monapon in some cave (he was sick and tired of having it in his inventory). His actual biter, of course, was in the ruins of Frontier Village, which was located approximately 23 meters above where he stuck the Monapon. Nia and Melia, tired of Z’s bullshit, decided to take a nap. When they woke up, a group of nine-year-olds started lecturing them on the meaning of life. Deciding that iOnios was not worth saving from these kids, Nia and Melia went home. Realizing that said nine-year-olds might lose against the embodiment of procrastination, Melia decides now is the time to activate Alcamech. Nia gets the memo and teleports her house into Anus Castle. To her delight, the people of Anus Castle reconfigured the mech so that her house would not appear as a buttplug. The kids, upon being asked what to do with the fate of the universe, decide to press Ctrl+Z.
The End
