#bereavement tw

[freezerbnuuy]

Page 4 - Bedrock Strait, Oasis Springs 3 Days after the Meeting

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After a lot of discussion on can's and cant's, safety plans, expectations and what exactly the Plumbob have to get evidence of - Ollie is on his way to a flight to New Sixam- which isn't terribly far geographically from Oasis Springs, but still. And is also sporting a lovely basic-tourist look. Weirdly the shorter hair kind of suits him, but I prefer the longer one.

Interestingly, this plays out very similar to the 2020 Close Encounter Academy challenge I did, which Dylan founded, the first chapter. Ollie was off to Strangerville and Dylan got worried because their adoptive mother, Ruby, never returned. Only Ollie was honest with him in the 2020 version. He isn't honest here because what he's doing has to be done in as much secrecy as possible.

Transcript:

Image 1 BEDROCK STRAIT, OASIS SPRINGS 3 DAYS AFTER THE MEETING

Image 2 Ollie: Well, Dyl, how do I look? Dylan: Like an obnoxious prick.

Image 3 Ollie: Wonderful. Works for me. Dylan: So are you going to tell me where you're going now or no?

Image 4 Ollie: I'd tell you if I could, Dyl, but I can't. If someone's after me, just tell them I've gone away for the week or something. Dylan: You're coming back, yeah? You're definitely coming back?

Image 5 Ollie: Of course I'm coming back, Dyl- Dylan: That's exactly what Mum said, wasn't it?

Image 6 Ollie: (after a deep sigh) I'm not going as far as Sixam, Dyl. Look at your palm a second. Dylan: I don't want to- Ollie: Just do it, Dyl, please.

Image 7 Ollie: Mum didn't make promises lightly, and neither do I. She didn't expect her rocket to crash, but what matters is that she cared enough to leave her cava'coria* with us. As I said - I'm coming back. I promise. (lore note) *'heart pact' - Sixamians leave unique marks on others' palms to signal a promise. They remove the mark when the promised act has been committed.

Image 8 Ollie: Dyl, please, don't be like this. If I could be more honest with you, then I would be, okay?

Image 9 Ollie: You look after yourself, okay? Dylan: I will. You too. Did you remember the cowplant milk sachets*? Ollie: I did, don't worry. (Lore Note) *Cowplants grown in a lab are stimulated to produce milk that causes certain emotions without it having to eat anyone. This milk is used in both legal and illegal drugs - in this case, legal.

Image 10 Dylan: Don't forget to bring me something back, okay? Ollie: If I can find a fridge magnet with 'World's worst little brother' on it I'll be sure to pick it up. Dylan: What?! I've changed my mind - I'm not going to miss you now!

[citizentaleo]

I wanted to draw my cat Seraphine with Robespierre cause I know he would be kind to her ❤️🤲

[cursivebloodlines]

today has been so so hard and :( i survived. i have cried for every single hour since i got up this morning - aside from the last hour or so because luke's managed to distract me with mario kart aha but yeah. today has been hard but i survived. everything hurts. i don't feel well at all. but i survived. and hopefully i can try and bring myself to start replying to messages and threads again. until then i'll be here and there until i can build myself up for it

apologies to everyone who has messaged me over the last few days and i just haven't replied. i know esp i have messages on discord to reply to and i'm so sorry that i haven't yet. grief is just a really difficult thing and i've been struggling for a year - and just when you think you're making progress, the last few weeks hit you and today hits and the floodgates come open and whoosh, it feels like exactly the day we lost her. i've had a number of panic attacks, just been sobbing most of the day and i feel sick and my head hurts - but we survived. <3 but yeah i hope i'll be back to business as usual soon. i'm so so sorry i've been difficult the last few weeks/month. thank u so much for being understanding. hoping to be back soon - i'll start with trying to reply to messages

for now, i am going to bed tho just wanted to pop on and say hi quickly xxx

[hungrytummyprompts]

I’m gonna go on a small hiatus as my beloved cat has just passed away and I just need some time, sorry guys.

There’s one thing still in the queue but I won’t be answering new asks for a little bit, though feel free to keep sending prompts and I’ll get to them when I feel a little better. See you all soon <3

[cursivebloodlines]

right, i don't think much of anything is getting done tonight because for some reason i've been hit with a massive wave of grief. a random tuesday night and i'm just missing my nan dearly and that's just triggered a bunch of other emotions i guess i've been repressing for the last 2 years so!!! yeah i'm not doing great lols i'll try again tomorrow. much love. x

[witxhykaite]

Never wanted to light my ancestor candle for someone the same age as me. I’m sorry. You should’ve been given a life as beautiful as you were. I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to figure out everything about yourself.

Rest now.

[babygrandpatangles]

His final picture.

I didn’t want to stress him out with the carrier so I bundled him up and carried him while someone else drove. He seemed interested in the scenery, and eventually moved to my shoulder.

I can’t believe I’ll never be able to take another picture of him.

I can’t believe he’s gone.

[sillylittlenbylesbian]

You're somewhere that I can't reach

(at least not yet)

I have a fear of blood. As kids, many of us have had the fear of needles and even some adults have it. It’s not the needle itself that I'm scared of because I can tolerate pain. It’s the blood.

Now, blood is not exactly a pleasant sight to see. It makes many people queasy and frankly many might have phobia around it. For me, it wasn’t always this bad. 

The fear is related to my past. A past that still haunts me and I want to move on from it. 

My family on both mum’s and dad’s side are not the best people. Neither is my father but that’s a whole other can of worms. Frankly speaking, I can only trust my mum and one cousin from my family. Anyone else is just a nuisance and that is to put it kindly.

There was however one other person that I used to love very much. My mum’s mum. That is my maternal grandma. She was a kind hearted woman and pretty much the victim of circumstances and society. Women in her times didn’t have much liberty and freedom and more frequently the victims of domestic abuse and what not. It wasn’t any different for her. But even in those circumstances, she used to bestow kindness. She loved me very much and so did i love her. 

Sometimes the pain that one feels emotionally can manifest in myriad different ways and sometimes it can appear as a deadly disease with no cure. 

I’m not a doctor and I won’t claim to know anything about medical sciences, however life really hit her with a final blow after all the traumatic experience in her family life she had been through. 

My grandma got cancer. And every year after her diagnosis, I kept on feeling I was losing her slowly. I don’t know what would have been better. For her to go abruptly or the slow process of deterioration she went through. And this is simply for my own selfishness. 

Logically, an abrupt end would have spared her from all the pain she been through. But obviously that’s something I didn't want.

You see, I’m a coward. And this is not belittling my feelings or anything. I’m a coward because I had no power in me to face reality. I wanted a fairy tale ending. Of her getting cured by some miracle. And for 5 years after her diagnosis, she actually lived. For which I’m eternally grateful by the way.

But cancer is something that can come back any time. And frankly we can do nothing about it. 

The second time she didn’t make it. I was in college completing my bachelors degree when I got a call from mom saying grandma had passed away. 

I didn’t go to the funeral. I didn’t want to believe it. If i don’t see it, then it doesn’t become real for me, right?

I wasn’t delusional but obviously some part of me wished I was.

Some weeks before her passing, I had holidays going on and I had visited her. She wasn’t doing great that time. Her body was so thin I could see the bone structure very clearly. Many times she would cough blood in a handkerchief. (Hence the blood phobia)

I remember singing songs for her and she held me in her arms so very gently just like she used to when I was a toddler.

When I was leaving, she was standing at the window saying goodbye to me and I could see her getting misty-eyed as she did. Deep in my heart, I somehow knew at that moment that that was the last time I would see her.

It’s a struggle to continue on without the ones you love. It's almost as though my heart bleeds every time someone leaves me. Be it death or just simply break up. The pain is more or less the same. 

So what can one do in a situation like this? 

I’ve let this feeling sit by for quite some time now. And I won’t let it control me anymore. I’m taking my power back. And in order to do so, I’ll write a different ending.

In this new story, my grandma is flourishing. She’s fit as a fiddle. She tells me bedtime stories just like she used to. And we both go to sleep together at night. When I wake up, I see her still sleeping with a smile on her lips. I gently try to wake her up but her body is cold. I get worried and call my mum. My mum calls the doctor but we already know what has happened. My grandma has passed away peacefully in her sleep. I’m heartbroken but there's solace in the fact that she went peacefully and without any pain in her sleep.

This is my way of taking back my power and not letting this issue linger any longer. I know I can’t change what happened. But I can create my own endings. And even though they might be purely a figment of my imagination, they give me power to heal, to move on, to live life again without any restrictions.