mindy, a MAN came between my bestie and i and now we're not speaking. she won't talk to me and she deleted all of our chats :/ the 'man' in question is her boyfriend who (in my opinion + in the opinion of others) is really mean to her sometimes (ex. yelling that he hates her, that he wouldn't care if they broke up, etc.). she didn't like the things i said about him (though she never brought that up until now) and thought i apologized and tried to make amends, she hasn't talked to me since and it's especially awkward since we work together. what should i do?
hey lovelie,
first of all, i’m so sorry you’re in this situation. it’s one of those messy, gut-twisting friendship crossroads that nobody ever teaches you how to handle. it’s layered: your bestie, her boyfriend, your workplace, and your own heart in the middle of it. i can feel how much you care, and i want to give you advice that’s actually helpful, not just “time heals all wounds.”
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ what’s really going on here the man isn’t the real issue (even though, let’s be honest, he sounds like a walking red flag parade). the core problem is your bestie feels like you judged her choices. people in relationships, especially ones that aren’t the healthiest, tend to double down on defending their partner when they feel criticized. she probably knows deep down that what he’s saying and doing isn’t okay. but hearing it from you might’ve felt like “attack” instead of “concern.”
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ what you did right (and wrong) you already apologized and tried to make amends. that’s huge. that’s emotional maturity. what you maybe underestimated was how long it can take someone to soften after they feel betrayed, even if you didn’t intend it that way. she deleted your chats (which is dramatic, yes, but also a sign she’s trying to distance herself emotionally). that’s her setting a boundary, even if it’s hurtful and extreme.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ what to actually do now
pull back without fully disappearing. give her space. no long essays, no repeated apologies. she’s not in the place to hear you. but don’t vanish either, she still needs proof that you’re steady. a neutral, short check-in once every few weeks (“hope you’re doing okay. i miss you, no pressure to reply”) keeps the door open without pushing her.
make work interactions safe. since you work together, keep it professional, light, and drama-free. no tension, no pointed energy. you showing up with grace will say more than any apology could.
release the outcome. i know it hurts, but sometimes friendships enter a “pause.” this doesn’t have to be forever. if you force it, she’ll retreat further. if you accept it and stay consistent, there’s a chance she’ll circle back when she sees the truth about him (and she will, eventually).
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ a shift in mindset this is the hardest part: stop trying to save her from him. it’s not your job. people can’t be rescued, only supported. what you can do is:
be the friend who isn’t bitter or judgmental, just steady.
focus on your own life, your glow, your energy, your friendships that bring you peace.
remind yourself: if she’s choosing him over you, it’s never about your worth. it’s her current state of mind.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ what to say if she ever reaches out don’t rehash the fight. don’t say “i told you so.” just: “i love you, and i always want you in my life, no matter what.” keep it warm and forward-focused. sometimes the most healing thing is to not dissect every wound, but to let the friendship rebuild through small, safe moments.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ final truth you’re allowed to feel hurt. you’re allowed to feel abandoned. but you’re also allowed to move forward. if she comes back, amazing. you’ll both be stronger for it. if she doesn’t, it means she chose her path, and you have to keep walking yours. people who love deeply (like you clearly do) often get burned the hardest. but i promise that same deep love will bring you better, truer friendships that can’t be shaken by a man’s temper tantrums.
be patient, stay soft, and protect your own glow.
xoxo, mindy 🤍
