The Artist: You aren’t a Barbie, nor are you the sweetest girl I know. You are just sweet enough, like a lemon drop, interesting, quirky and your flavour is unforgettable. You think too much for a man who doesn’t like to think. Forget the idea of a blesser, you are too full of yourself. Nana you just aren’t that kind of woman.
Almost 15 years my senior. I knew he knew things. He was an accomplished artist who had been all around the world experiencing life. He spoke like generational wealth. We met on one of my jobs and developed a friendship. He became my mentor occasionally offering me honest dating advice, the rest of the time he helped me navigate the choppy waters of my career. He taught me when it was appropriate to flirt with clients, when it was better to be a shrewd and most importantly never to wear my heart on my sleeve. Being cruel and calculating can yield results but so can showing softness. He helped me understand better that as a woman I got great power from being able to do both.
How did we even arrive at the moment of such harsh truths? I had been home to see my family over the weekend, he offered me a ride home back to work if I would slip in a working lunch and prepare a document for him for a particularly exciting project. I didn’t need the ride or the money. But because I liked his company and I loved seeing his art come to life, I decided this was a good way to spend a Sunday. As we sped off into the sun set, he decided that now I was trapped, he was going to lecture me.
The Artist: I’m not saying you aren’t pretty enough for it, you are beautiful woman. But your looks pale in comparison to what’s between your ears.
I blushed a little when he said that. I asked him to stop. That was too much honesty for one evening. I always joke that I’d love to have a blesser. A nice, handsome man to come and sweep me off my feet and keep me in the lap of luxury. Like many women I am tired of working twice as hard for a quarter of what a man my age with the same accomplishments would get. It’s EXHAUSTING! I would like things to be given to me. It wasn’t until I was in the car that day that I realised just how truly eccentric I am. I have always known I’m odd but something about the way he was saying what he was saying made me start thinking differently. I’ve never felt like anyone really saw me but he saw me and he understood that I was an enigma even to myself. The paradigm had begun to shift.
I had always thought that in this world that was my oyster I could have it all. Drink hard liquor, laugh heartily, wear expensive shoes and have some one hand me happiness in return for my body and companionship. The transaction is not simple as I learnt that day.
The Artist put a number of scenarios to me. Being the worldly man that he was. I was sure he had seen propositions occur. I was also sure that once upon a time he himself had propositioned. So we played the game. In each scenario he pretended to proposition me and asked me how I would respond. He asked if after seeing a man for a while and he offered to take me away for the weekend on a whim but I had a career making deal on the table, would I go? I thought about it and as I did he continued to embellish and detail after detail the offer became more attractive. After a moment I answered. “No, I’ve worked too hard for my career. I couldn’t jeopardise it on something that wasn’t a sure bet”. He laughed and told me to stop fooling myself. How was I fooling myself? Can’t you be everything you want to be? Can’t we find a balance and be independent but dependent?
The Artist: Why do you think you are here?
Me: I’m a kick ass QS, offer you the best price and ALWAYS meet deadlines.
He looked at me like he was ready to say something incredibly offensive. He smiled with his perfect teeth and fixed his gaze on the road.
The Artist: There is no doubt you are a great QS but you are something to look at. I’d rather have meetings in seedy bars with you rather than another man. I know once the business is out of the way you will have two drinks and make my heart race a little bit before you decide to leave.
I was INSULTED!! I take my career and self very seriously. I want and deserve to be taken seriously. I’m capable and worthy of respect as a professional, I told him as such and again he laughed.
The Artist: You see, you think too much! Some women, especially the kind easily impressed by money would have only heard that they make my heart race and that I’d rather spend time with them. You for some reason think that being a capable woman decreases how attractive you are. It doesn’t, but it does make you unattractive to men who just aren’t trying to engage with a smart ass. You are a thinking mans candy. Blessers want power and pussy and I doubt you will be willing to part with either easily.
The rest of the conversation doesn’t matter. A former Blesser had just told me that I was too full of myself to be a Blesse. So WHAT now???? What happens to the woman who aspires to own the yacht? Secretly craving world domination and every little thing the power of it could bring? Those darlings who don’t seek validation from any man or woman and don’t have traditional benchmarks for happiness? The ones described as admin intensive. What happens to women who are TOO MUCH? Where do their broken hearts go?
He couldn’t tell me but I needed to know. For all the free advice he was dishing out I felt he stopped short of telling me what I did next with my specific nature. I thought about it for days afterwards. I lamented for what felt like seven days and seven night this inquisitive fire burned and burned. I realised he had led me to the door and left me to decide if I walked through it or not. I either change these things about me, become more agreeable to get along better with men OR I just accepted myself and live my life.
I now know what happens to the woman who is too much…..NOTHING!!!! She lives happily ever after. She lets passion persuade her and rides off into the sunset. Some women are built to be taken care of. They drop everything and run off for weekends away and get showered with gifts. They also put up with whatever that blesse life comes with. What if that’s not you? Nothing comes sacrifice free. It would be wonderful if someone eased your financial burdens but what if he/she never comes…..EVER? You can’t waste your life just hoping. Find someone who loves you, make babies, make millions do whatever it is that sets your soul on fire. The people who think you are too much and can’t understand you simply don’t matter. Even if they are family, you aren’t going to change for anyone because this is who you are. Be your true self coz “Who gone check you boo?” Blesser or not whatever type of woman you are or decide to be, remember your life isn’t a dress rehearsal. You are already centre stage and it’s always opening night so you better PERFORM DARLING!!!!
