Today I admired myself in the mirror as I dressed a little more masculine. I felt good. I have always loved dressing this way and mixing that with a bit of femme, vice versa. That’s me. Which is why androgynous ass Teyana Taylor on Sweet Sixteen was a huge deal for me as a young girl.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means for me to be a Queer identified person. Growing up I’ve repressed my interest in anything other than cis boys/men.
I could go back to my earliest memories and think about my friends and I playing “house” where I was the daddy and they were the mommy and when we put that baby to sleep to do what “grown folks do”.... You know… kiss and dry hump LOL. I could go back to those memories of me as a young girl exploring in secret and it validates what I've always been…. A fucking dyke LOL jk.
No but seriously. I think about the fact that as a teen before I even started dating, my mom would ask me If I was gay since I didn’t bring any boys home for her to meet. How kissing my girl friends in High School was just for “fun”. How my first boyfriend looked at me and said “you look like you would like eating pussy” and this all validated that even others knew I was Queer. What did I do though? Repress, repress, repress. Conform, conform, conform.
I’ve always been uncomfortable with labels, I never said I was straight. I knew I wasn’t fully comfortable with that because even if I thought it was just sexual I knew I had some type of interest in women. I acted as a straight person would though, my tongue could only speak the language of heteronormativity. My planned out future included a fly ass husband who would impregnate me and spoil my ass. Women couldn’t be my future.
When I got out my long ass straight ass first relationship, I wrote in my goals for the year that I wanted to “Fuck a Woman for the first time”. Sexualizing women made it more comfortable for me to explore my sexuality. You know a little internalized misogyny always helps :)
The first time I did, I fucking fell in love like WTF? What a typical lesbian experience LOL. That shit GOOD, it was fast. deep. It was hot. Passionate. Filled with undeniable love. It was the first time I ever felt a love that was fully safe. It was scary ass fuck.
Over the last year, I’ve been unlearning so much of my heteronormative ways of thinking, speaking and acting. Relearning. Redefining. Reconnecting. It’s been such a journey to come into myself.
I don’t identify as Bi-sexual or pan, I’m just a queer woman that likes what she likes. Getting to say that out loud proudly and being outwardly queer with my partner has been such a joy. Letting myself finally let myself to intimately love someone who isn’t a cis man. Affirms that lil queer ass girl fucking around with her lil friends. Sheds light on a part of me that’s always been there waiting in the shadow of this hetero ass world.
I never resonated with the action of “coming out”, I personally feel like I’m warning someone that I eat pussy. I wouldn’t have to come out as straight so why would I as a queer person? You’d figure it out as if I share my love life or experiences. It's no secret but to me a pride flag doesn't have to be a part of my IG bio, I will not sit my family members or friends or colleagues down and look into their eyes and tell them that I like what I like especially not the ones that may be homophobic.
Now that I am tapping into my full authentic self, I get to mentor and help other women who had to repress their queerness and are nervous to take that leap. I get to be the one that young girls look to as an example of a Queer woman and inspire them to be that fully. They get to come to me and tell me about the girl in class they’re crushing on and how they got their first girlfriend. It brings me tears of joy.
To young Ashley, baby you iz gay. Do gay shit, it good :)
And to any queer babies that have yet to bloom, be patient and be kind to yourself. Do things on your own accord.
It hasn’t been easy but I am so proud to be here and growing.
Song- Only If - Steve Lacy.
Con mucho amor y passion, Ashley Hernández aka Odd Ashley.
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