just thinking about how bf!toji loves to fuck you in front of a mirror.
how he starts with you facing it, standing between his legs, still in his lap while he runs those huge hands up under your shirt like he’s just curious how far he can push you tonight.
how he kisses your shoulder and murmurs, “look, baby. you see how cute you are like this?” right before he lifts your hips and sinks into you slow, deep, filthy.
how he groans, low in your ear, when your lashes flutter and your jaw goes slack - and he smiles at your reflection like it’s his favorite movie.
how he makes you keep watching. one hand on your throat, the other gripping your hip, voice rough as he says, “eyes up. wanna see how pretty you look taking it.”
how your legs start shaking and he loves it - wraps an arm around your belly and fucks up into you even deeper, breath hot against your neck.
how he murmurs smug shit like“look at you. fucked dumb already?” and “c’mon, baby. show me how messy you get for me.”
how he smirks when your thighs tremble and you start whining his name and trying to hide your face - and he just grabs your chin, forces you to look.
“nah, uh uh,” he says, panting a little now. “don’t be shy now. look at how fuckin’ gorgeous you are.”
and when you finally come, body twitching, face flushed, voice cracking - he just grins at the mirrorlike it’s proof. like yeah. look at her. look what i do to her.
his voice is low and filthy, all pride and hunger.
“there she is,” he mutters, fucking you through the aftershocks. “so fuckin’ good for me. so perfect.”
he’ll kiss your temple after, all soft again, and whispers “might keep that mirror in the bedroom, baby. you look too good not to.”
toji knows you too well. that’s the problem. other people believe you when you say “i’m fine" but toji doesn’t, not anymore.
you’re sitting on the couch after a long day, scrolling mindlessly on your phone while he cooks and he notices the quiet. the way you haven’t asked him how his day was. the way you keep saying “i’m okay” before he even asks. “what happened?”
you look up. “nothing.” he doesn’t answer. just stares. “toji.”
“don’t do that.”
“do what?”
“pretend.”
you look away. that’s when he knows. toji isn’t the type to push. he knows what it feels like when someone keeps asking questions you’re not ready to answer.
so instead? he turns the stove off. doesn't matter if the eggs are half-cooked. walks over, sits beside you. “you don’t gotta tell me.”
you glance at him. “i don’t?”
“no.” he shrugs. “just don’t sit here thinking you gotta deal with everything alone.”
he just pulls you against him and lets you breathe. “you’re annoying, you know.” you mumble.
“yeah?”
“because you always know.”
a small smile. “been watching you for years, sweetheart.”
thinking about toji and the way he hypes you up like it’s his full-time job, benefits and all.
he’s not the loud, overly enthusiastic type—no cheering or over-the-top confessions. nah, toji's style is smoother, more suave, but no less impactful. he’s the guy leaning against the wall, arms crossed, watching you do your thing with a look that says yeah, that’s my baby.
when you’re nervous about something, from a big presentation to even just picking out an outfit to go out, he’s right there with his low, gravelly reassurance. "you got this. you’re better than all those other scrubs combined.”
and when you do kill it—like he knew you would—he’s the first to smirk, to drop that deep chuckle and say something maddeningly cocky like, “told ya. nobody got nothin' on my girl.”
and it’s not just when you do things right either. you can mess up and he won't even let you notice. burned your toast? “eh, crunchy’s better anyway.” tripped over your own feet? “sick moves, ma.”
and his favourite is when you're trying on clothes in front of him. “turn around...yeah, that’s the one, honey. you’re dangerous in that.”
he notices everything, even when you think he doesn’t. and when he says something about how you light up a room or make things look easy, it’s not flattery. it’s fact, at least the way he sees it. and if you dare to call him out for making you flustered? “tch. quit whining, dumbass. i'm just tellin' it like it is—you’re seriously a damn angel or something.”
because toji might not say “i love you” all the time, but in the way he's always by your side, making you feel like you’re unstoppable? yeah, it’s written all over him.
oceans notes: this is totally self indulgent. absolutely no comfort… whoops! tojis also definitely a narcissist. <3
toxicbf!toji who doesn’t know, care or want to keep up with your friends no matter how hard you insist on him at least learning their names.
toxicbf!toji who keeps you on a short leash, not letting you do anything without him knowing about it or being there.
toxicbf!toji who treats you like a literal dog. telling what to wear, eat, wants to know who you’re going out with, where you’re going, and everything in between.
toxicbf!toji who never pays for anything and doesn’t help with rent nor utilities (he gambles all his money away)
toxicbf!toji who love bombs you as an “apology” whenever he makes you upset or angry.
toxicbf!toji whos slowly sucking the life out of you.
toxicbf!toji who acts all lovey dovey in public, holding your hand, opening doors for you, kissing you on the cheeks. but as soon as you get home he’s on the couch, beer in hand and not giving you the light of day.
toxicbf!toji who blames you when things don’t work out, causing huge arguments with you sobbing, blubbering and yelling at him. but they always somehow end up with you tucked in his arms tightly, and kisses being pressed against your face. (he never apologized, he just hates to see you cry)
toxicbf!toji who as soon as he sees you pulling away, trying to get out of the relationship for your own good, is somehow now the best bf you could’ve ever asked for, just for the old habits to resurface a few weeks later.. (he’s never going to let you leave.)
thinking about bf!toji who makes his partner train so that they are able to protect themselves in case they were to be attacked and he wasn’t around (which wouldn’t happen because even though he hates it when you point it out, he acts as though he’s your bodyguard, joined at the hip; ready to protect you with his life, always).
it was dark, the party you had dragged toji to was slowly dying with boyfriends begging their sociable partners to let them drive them home, toji fit this description. the party had been a last minute idea from a colleague of yours; they figured that the office didn’t do enough bonding-like activities, hence the rushed party held in your boss's large backyard.
“you don’t even like these people, why would you voluntarily waste an evening in their presence?” the older man huffed when you asked him to attend days prior, eyes never flickering from the television screen to you who stood above his lazily spread out body on the sofa.
“it could be fun, the music, the fresh air, it’s meant to be a beautiful evening on friday” you reasoned, you never asked for too much, but this you were adamant on. you placed an open palm at the crown of the man's scalp and caressed the area with your thumb. “you’re only home for so little....”. toji heard your soft tone and looked up into your pleading eyes with a lax smile. “kid, with those eyes, you could make god cry ” he chuckled, straightening his figure so his back was pressed against the vinyl of your sofa. “if it means so much” he shrugged, his big hands smoothing over his wrinkled jeans. you smiled brightly, leaning over to press a fat kiss to the middle of the man's forehead.
“well,” toji started, breaking the calming silence the both of you had been sharing, tuning in to the lively hum of the other people attending the party. “that’s five hours i’ll never get back” he said, rummaging through the pocket of his leather jacket for his ‘emergency cigarette’, only meant to be used in the most unsalvageable of situations, much different from the full pack he brings with him everywhere. “oh please, it wasn’t so bad” you replied, your hand swirling the tropical drink you had poured from the liquor table a short while ago, your coated lips met the rim as you tilted the remains of the cup down your throat, an action that had been repeated several times that night.
“have we been at the same party?” toji asked you in sincere disbelief, eyes widened and jaw slacked, not believing you could’ve enjoyed any time spent there. you shrugged with your eyes closed, your collarbone meeting your chin as you raised your forearms in a questioning manner. although not your ideal form of socialising, the simple conversations, light and friendly jokes shared among your coworkers made for a pleasant evening, an evening spent well doing something you wanted for a change.
toji’s lighter sparked and an orange flame waved in front of the tightly rolled cigarette between the man's lips, inhaling the smoke and tilting his head up to exhale. “we would’ve had a better time staying home, maybe watching a movie or two?” toji claimed, his thumb flicking the ashes off the bud into his empty cup, “maybe you would’ve” you lowly replied, the man laughed.
“not enough for you heh, kid?” his elbow rested against the white tablecloth laid on top of the garden table, his chin being cradled in the relaxed palm.
“that’s all we ever do” you looked down into your cup for more liquid confidence, pouting slightly when remembering you’d drowned it down a few minutes ago. “and is it not fun?” he laughed, an insincere kind of laugh, in a way that suggested he was a little taken back with your responses.
“boring and unfulfilling” you rattled off before picking yourself up and taking your empty cup to your favourite table of the evening, pouring in sips of everything that looked glossy and fruity. your lips stayed attached to the cup as you swayed your way back to your seat as toji was stubbing out his cigarette and lining up a fresh one. the song shifted from mindless radio-worthy beats to stripped back and slowed melodic riffs, you watched as some of your remaining coworkers and their partners shuffled out happily to the widespread patch of grass, limbs entwined as their bodies swayed to the tune. once more, toji waved the flame in front of the roll and abruptly rose in front of you. your face rose from inside your cup and stared into toji’s eyes swelling with heat, “up” he mumbled passed his cigarette, smoke blowing past his lips as he spoke. his hand extended to you and rested your palm in it and suddenly his large frame was pulling you as you stumbled to the grass patch, your coworkers smiling at you as you joined in.
“is this more something you’d like, baby?” he asked you lowly in your ear as his calloused hands found their way to your arms, lifting them above your head to plateau on his shoulders, his hands smoothing down your torso to rest on your hips. you couldn’t help but smile, although probably only prompted as he sensed your disdain, toji showing any effort to make you happy made your heart swoon.
“very much so, thank you” you softly replied with a sickly sweet grin, your eyes twinkling so much that toji could only scoff. “yeah yeah” toji dismissed, taking another drag from his cigarette to conceal the matching grin itching to spread on his lips. toji’s fingers curled from his lips and released his cigarette, his tips moving to rest above your top lip and he smoothed the cigarette into your mouth, holding their place pressed against your mouth until your lips opened around the stick to exhale the grey smoke with a teasing smile. toji laughed a little as he returned the burn to his lips, his hands squeezing at your hips to hear you softly squeal in delight.
bf!toji who genuinely, sincerely, spectacularly forgets valentine's day.
not because he doesn't love you, not because he doesn't care but because his relationship with dates is absolutely terrible. he doesn't know what day it is half the time. he pays bills at the last possible second. his calendar is empty. his reminders are nonexistent.
so valentine's day arrives and toji is completely unaware.
bf!toji who notices you've been acting strangely all morning. you're quieter, a little distracted, checking your phone but also looking at him every now and then like you're waiting for something. but he's clueless. absolutely clueless. "what?" he asks eventually.
"nothing."
"don't give me that shit."
"give you what?"
"the face."
"what face?"
"the one you're making."
that doesn't help him figure it out at all.
bf!toji who gets home later that evening and finally notices because the apartment looks nice. not over-the-top but just thoughtful.
you've made dinner and there are candles. you changed into a dress he knows you only wear when you want to feel pretty. and sitting on the table — a small gift.
for him. his stomach drops immediately. suddenly he remembers the date. the silence is deafening. you know the exact moment it clicks. you watch it happen on his face, watch his eyes dart toward the calendar on the wall, watch realization hit him like a freight train. "oh."
bf!toji who has never wanted the floor to swallow him more in his entire life because you smile and somehow that's worse, way worse.
it's not an angry smile. it's not a disappointed smile. it's one of those smiles people use when they're trying really hard to pretend something didn't hurt, the one where your lips disappear and you shrug.
and toji immediately feels sick. "baby."
you shake your head. "it's okay."
it is not okay. toji knows it isn't okay. you spent time planning this. he can see the effort everywhere. the dinner and he brought absolutely nothing. not even flowers.
bf!toji who sits awake all night afterward. literally all night. you told him it was fine. you insisted. you kissed his cheek. you told him not to worry about it.
somehow that makes him feel even worse because you deserved to be upset and instead you protected his feelings. so the next morning he wakes up before you (which never happens. ever) and immediately leaves.
bf!toji who spends the entire day trying to fix it with absolutely no idea how. the problem isn't that he forgot to buy something. the problem is that he forgot something important to you and that's eating him alive.
he shows up with flowers first then more flowers because he doesn't know which flowers you like best. so he buys multiple bouquets. then chocolates. then your favorite snacks. then a necklace. then another necklace because he hates the first one. then he spends twenty minutes arguing with himself in a store aisle because none of it feels like enough. did he use all of his funds from his broke ass to do that? yes but it's irrelevant.
bf!toji who is actually pacing when he gets home. pacing. toji fushiguro. pacing. he's nervous, he knows he screwed up. badly. when you open the door, he immediately starts talking. "before you say anything—"
"toji—"
"no, lemme finish."
you blink. he looks genuinely distressed. "i know i fucked up." straight to the point. "i forgot." his jaw tightens like he hates admitting it. "and that's not an excuse." you open your mouth but he keeps going. "i don't care if it's just a date." his voice gets quieter, "it mattered to you. you spent all that time planning something nice." his eyes flick toward the floor. "and i made you feel like i didn't care."
you can actually hear how guilty he feels.
bf!toji who is not a naturally apologetic man. he's stubborn, prideful and fucking annoying. but for you? he'll swallow every ounce of pride he has.
"i love you." he pauses, swallowing, "and i don't want you to ever think i don't."
your heart immediately squeezes. he hands you the flowers. all of them, there are too many flowers. you start laughing and the visible relief that crosses his face is almost painful. "you laughing?"
"there's enough flowers here for a funeral."
"good."
"good?"
"means i bought enough."
bf!toji who spends the next week making up for it. not because he thinks gifts solve everything but because he wants you to know he was listening. that he cares, that he noticed. and after that? he never forgets again. ever.
not once. not a single year. because the image of you sitting at that candlelit table with that little hopeful smile permanently burned itself into his brain.
bf!toji who starts setting reminders months in advance. months which is honestly shocking. he'll pretend it's not a big deal, pretend he's casual about it. but every year after that, valentine's day arrives and somehow he's already planned everything.
flowers, dinner, a gift. the whole thing. and if you tease him about it? "thought you forgot valentine's day."
"don't bring up then."
"still traumatized?"
"very."
toji can handle a lot of things. fights, injuries. debt (not really). stress. whatever. but making the woman he loves feel unimportant? once was enough. he'd never let it happen again.
this was the hour that the night seemed most quiet. no cars passing by, no teenagers hanging out in the middle of the road without a care in the world. no pets barking, meowing, or chirping. not even a bullfrog or grasshopper to let everyone know they weren’t alone. on nights like this, at this hour, i always lay in bed and let my mind take over. ever since i had met him my thoughts always conjured up a worst-case scenario where i would find out via the news the next morning that his lifestyle had finally caught up with him. he had accepted payment from the wrong “client,” or killed someone he wasn’t supposed to. of course i knew this would never happen because he was smart, calculated, careful. every job was executed flawlessly. he wouldn’t dare jeopardize his money like that.
in the quiet, just as i had finally let my eyelids get heavy, i heard the twist of the doorknob followed by the creak of my bedroom door as it opened and immediately filled the room with his scent. i lie still even as i let out a soft breath i hadn’t realized i was holding. he’s loud tonight, i thought to myself as i listened to him sloppily rustle around, discarding his clothes atop the accumulating pile in the corner of the room. i hate when he does that after a job. normally, he enters and disrobes quietly, and i don’t realize he’s slipped in bed behind me until he begins to snore—or sometimes until the morning comes and his weight is crushing me into the mattress in the sweetest way as he sleeps as though it’s his first time in a proper bed. tonight, though, must have kept him on his toes. i feigned sleep as he walked past the bed and toward the bathroom, where he left the door cracked as he turned on the faucet. messy night, i suppose? but just as quickly as he entered the bathroom, he was out, and the bed dipped as he sat, taking a deep sigh. after a beat of stillness, the covers lifted as his big arms draped around my waist.
“you stink,” i murmured with my eyes closed, secretly enjoying being engulfed in his presence, regardless of the sweaty smell. “shut up,” he sucked his teeth as his words vibrated through me as he spoke with his face pressed in my neck. i said nothing as i smiled to myself at how he managed to so easily, so naturally wrap his body around mine, and his breath heated up my neck, our breathing slowly coming in sync with one another. who would’ve thought that a hard-bodied, born and bred assassin would need to cuddle after a long night.
