#bi help

[gorls-are-nice]

Does anyone know of any thing that talks about how bisexuality can affect their presentation/how they present themself/being gnc?

[michigander231]

I know I’m brand new to this site and don’t really have any follows or anyone that really pays any sort of attention to this profile in any way - but I need some advice on what to say to a friend who is openly gay and has almost outed me to my family at least 5 times since this year has started alone..

I have had several conversations with my family about them questioning my sexuality over years but recently they’ve become more numerous thanks to my friend..

I love my family very much, but I know they would not handle it well at all really since my dad has repeatedly told me “I’m so happy you’re not gay or anything like that” and my mom telling me “I woke up crying because I had a dream you were actually gay and that means I can’t have grandchildren or a daughter-in law” and my siblings CONSTANTLY make anti-LGBT jokes and statements in front of me which I call them out on only to have them continue questioning me about my sexuality but I’m able to convince them that I am just straight - and that it’s wrong to make jokes about that but that’s for another discussion.

My “friend” has openly discussed his attraction to me in front of them, as well as point out some things from my past that they don’t know about such as that I may or may not have had some sort of feelings for him (which I have NEVER EVER HAD) or one of our other mutual friends, or that i kinda came out as curious at least to one friend who was struggling with it like I was/am, but that “friend” also ended up telling a lot of other people but I was able to insulate my family from all that thankfully... also he mentions how I am his (for lack of better words/the gist of it) “favorite closeted boy” in front of my family members or other comments like that..

He knows I have a family like this who wouldn’t support me if I were to come out in anyway to them, but continues to make these comments and my life so much more stressful and unnecessarily complicated than it needs to be.

Anytime I have confronted him about these comments after he has said them he winds up making me the bad guy and I end up apologizing to him and the cycle just repeats itself.

Tonight it’s gotten to the point where again he pointed out that I may not be straight in front of my family again that I can’t take it anymore, to the point that I realized I need to end our friendship (which I guess is way more one-sided than I realized).

I just don’t want to come across as this ass who just unloads all this frustration and anger on him while telling him to no longer contact me or my family again in anyway - which I know he will try to do still - while also trying to explain to my family why I am cutting him off WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO TELL THEM WHY.

Clarification: I do not know if I am gay, or if I am bi, or if I am just curious or not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these orientations or the people who have them. What’s wrong is people using anothers own struggle or identity against them - even if only jokingly - even if they are family.

I don’t know what to say or do.

Any help, input or opinion would be greatly appreciated. Also - I’m sorry if I didn’t do a good job explaining this, it’s kinda hard to put some thoughts into words..

[spear-of-lucretius]

For those of you who have questions about your sexuality, want to help others answer those questions, or just want to make friends with some other bisexuals!

[bestrjoy]

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[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

So I identify as bisexual but I might actually be pansexaul (im not sure though). if it turns out I am is it ok of i still say im bisexual because ive said it for so long and it just feels more comfortable to me

Bi and pan have a huge overlap in meaning, to the point where a lot of people use them interchangeably. Bi means attraction to more than one gender (which can go up to all genders) and pan means attraction to all genders. Go with whatever word you prefer for whatever reason. The definition is just one aspect to take into account when picking a label that suits you, there's other aspects that can be a deciding factor in what you wanna label yourself, for example having a long history and personal connection to a word.

Maddie (aka a bisexual who is attracted to all genders and doesn't identify as pansexual for reasons competely unrelated to the definitions)

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

So I’ve recently come to terms that I might be bi, but I’m struggling with the whole concept of preferences. I’d like to think that I like all genders about the same amount but I’m not really sure about it because I’ve never been in a relationship. That’s why I wanted to know what having a preference exactly means.

Like for example if I say I have a preference for women, does that mean if I end up dating a man that the relationship won’t be as fulfilling as one with a women? Or I wouldn’t be as committed to it as I would with a women? Would I secretly believe that the relationship would just be better if my partner was a woman? Because I’d hate to feel like I’m leading someone on, and feel like I can’t fully love them because they’re not my “preferred gender”. It is also why I struggled to come to terms that I might really be bi and not someone just looking for attention and trying to be ~special~.

I’m gonna be honest with you: I am very dissatisfied with the way that discourse about bisexuality keeps up this narrative about preferences without ever actually talking about what “preference” means. Because it leads exactly to situations like the one you are in right now: people who think that they have to be able to identify what their personal preference is and then also thinking that this preference is holding some very deep meaning that influences their entire love and sex life from then on.

So first of all you should know that there is no universally agreed upon opinion in the bi community what “preference” in the context of bisexuality even means or how one would “measure” that. Which is, to get a bit personal, the reason why to this day I cannot confidently say if I either have no preference or a preference for men. Because it totally depends on how one would define what a “preference” even is. I would say that I am attracted about the same amount to all genders but attraction to men feels more intense most of the time for me and my sexual fantasies are mostly about men. Is that because I “prefer” men or simply bc I have more experience with them so naturally my brain finds it easier to draw from memories to create fantasies? Who knows? Who cares? Not me.

Because at the end of the day, even if there was undoubtable scientific evidence that I had a preference for men - that doesn’t mean I don’t still have the capacity to be attracted to other genders. I still also had crushes on women in the past. I still also have sexual fantasies about women. When I think about potentially finding a new partner in the future I still absolutely do not care what gender they have.

If you have a preference is something that only you can judge for yourself and also what “preference” means for you personally. Does it simply mean that the number of people that you are/have been attracted to is greater for one gender than others? Does it mean your feelings for one gender are more intense than other genders? And either way: how the hell would you even measure that?

Seriously: it’s okay to not care about finding an answer to this question. Bisexual people do not have to overanalyse every miniscule aspect of our sexual and/or romantic orientation and we don’t owe anyone any explanation for why or how we are attracted to certain genders in certain ways. This obsessive need that some bi people have to justify their preference for one gender or to prove how they do not have a preference (and are therefore a Real Bisexual™) comes from internalised biphobia. Monosexual people hardly ever feel the need to justify their preferences to that degree. And I just can’t help but feel like the reason why “preference” is so often mentioned when it comes to bisexuality is because of biphobia. “What’s your preference?” seems to be the watered down version of “so what are you really? gay or straight?”

And I think that’s just a very black and white mentatlity of what the presence of a preference even means. As if saying “I have a preference for x” means you are totally uninterested or even appalled by anything that’s not x. Most people have preferences about potential partners or sex and relationship stuff. Like, I prefer people with dark hair, but my boyfriend is a gingery blonde and I don’t love him any less or are attracted to him any less just because the overwhelming majority of people I have been attracted to in the past had black or brown hair. And I don’t spend any time in this relationship wishing my boyfriend’s hair colour was different.

So what if you have a preference for women but then fall in love with a man or are attracted to one? Then you’re still in love with him or attracted to him. Because of the way he looks or because of his personality - or whatever it is that attracts you to him. And that’s all real and genuine - even if the majority of people you’ve been attracted to so far have been women. Your feelings and attraction to different genders doesn’t have to stand in competition to one another. Being very attracted to one gender doesn’t mean you are automatically less attracted to another gender. This isn’t a zero sum game.

And people who find themselves unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship should probably think about if they might be happier in polyamory - but that goes for every sexual orientation. Bi people are not more or less likely to be polyamorous than non-bi people. And it’s an old biphobic myth that bi people cannot feel happy in a monoganous relationship or that we always need to have partners of different genders so that we feel fulfilled.

I get that it can sometimes be interesting to reflect on stuff like what’s your type or if there’s been any patterns in the people you find yourself drawn to or attracted to. Like realising “huh, a lot of them had curly hair” or “I seem to really like tall people” or “I guess the majority of them were men”. But if it ends in you stressing yourself out and over-thinking everything then it’s not helpful and you are allowed to just not give a fuck about whatever the hell your “preference” is. It can be fun to think about and for some people it’s very easy to answer... but for others it’s not and sometimes it’s not at all productive to keep thinking about this. Especially for people who still struggle a lot with internalised biphobia because it leads to a lot of self-doubt and people end up falling into these traps of biphobic sentiments.

So... long story short: “preference” means different things to different bisexuals and to some it’s a completely irrelevant topic of discussion that they don’t feel the need to apply to their sexual orientation at all. It’s okay if you find that discussion about “preferences” aren’t helpful or relevant to you or the way you personally experience bisexuality.

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

We've hardly been getting any asks since the Tumblr announcement so I'm wondering if it's harder to find this blog than before.

Because most asks are anon I don't know if it's from people who already followed the blog or if people searched for "bisexuality" and variations thereof and found us that way.

I'd really appreciate if some of you could comment how you initial found your way to this blog - through tumblr search, seeing a post of ours reblogged on your dash, otherwise?

My guess is that it's gonna get progressively harder to actually find resource and advice blogs on here about gender and sexuality so I'd encourage anyone to promo good advice blogs so they don't die out or get lost.

Maddie