RVD's Smoke-Out, Episode 5
Welcome to The Smoke-Out with RVD! Tonight, A Day In The Life of Raven! An Interview with The Bi Show! The news with Christina Van Dam. Ask Haku Anything! The Adventures of SuckCock Holmes #2! Mr T's Stalker Revealed! And More! Now, Here's Your Host...XPW Champion, ROB VAN DAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!
::"Bring the Pain" by MSI hits the PA system, and the studio audience bursts into cheers. RVD walks out the entranceway wearing a suit, his EPW Tag Team Title, and his XPW World Title. He sits down at his desk, and looks into the camera.::
RVD: I had my production crew put together a little piece I'd like to call..."A Day in the Life of Raven," starring David Schwimmer as Raven. Here it is...
::Raven wakes up in the morning::
Raven: I hate life. I'm so lonely. I wish my girlfriend didn't leave me..
::Raven gets up, and steps on the tip of his wooden sword, causing it to flip up and whap him in the face.::
Raven: OWWWWWW! Fuck!
::Raven walks into his bathroom, and turns on the sink, but nothing comes out.::
Raven: Forgot to pay the water bill...whimper...
::Raven is shown eating breakfast, he pours the milk in his cereal and it comes out brown and in curdles.::
Raven: I didn't buy chocolate milk. This sucks, I'm so depressed.
::Raven is shown walking out his front door. RVD jumps out of the bushes, tackles him to the ground and starts to beat the shit out of him. RVD then gets up and casually walks away.::
Raven: That son of a bitch does this every day, and I always forget the next day...IDIOT!!!!
::Raven walks over to his mailbox, and sorts through his mail.::
Raven: Bill, bill, hatemail, hatemail, junk, hatemail...THE IRS IS TAKING MY HOUSE?!?!?!
::The Wah Wah sound plays::
Raven: I think I'll attempt suicide again.
::Raven walks out into the street as an 18 Wheeler speeds up the road. The truck swerves, and crashes right through Raven's house. RVD then gets out of the truck, and starts to hit Raven over and over with a stick, as the segment ends.::
RVD: I'd like to thank David Schwimmer for playing Raven, and Wesley Snipes for playing RVD. Next, we have my brother Reginald "Pussy Painter" Redmond, as he interviews The BI SHOW. Take it away, Reggie.
Reginald: Hello everyone, I'm Reginald "Don't Touch My Ass" Jackson, here with EPW's wild card, The Bi Show. How are you doing Show?
Bi Show: will i would be better if i would of won the EWF Belt from tugboat
Reginald: Yeah, you came close last night, but I don't think Tugboat is able to be defeated...
BI: i beat him 2 times but there were both a non title match
Reginald: My mistake...are you going to continue pursuing him, or try for someone else?
Bi: will i would like to win that belt but i really want them tag team belt
Reginald: Ohhhh, who is your partner? And do you think you guys can beat RVD and Hall?
Bi:Will i dont have one,but yea i think i could beat RVD and Hall for them belt i would liove to have TugBoat as my partner
Reginald: So you want him as your tag partner, but also want his belt? Crazy.
Reginald: I hear you're a bisexual, is this true?
Bi: Will i love everyone,Wanna come back to my place??
Reginald: No thanks, I'm...married.
Reginald: Who do you think is the sexiest man in EPW?
Bi:OH MY GOD it gots to be Test dam he is so dam sexy
Reginald: Test is retired now, who's your next choice?
Bi:UMMMM TugBoat i just love the fat guys so much to love
Reginald: Yeah you should know...on the other side of the boat, who do you think is the sexist female in EPW? We have Christina Van Dam, Stephanie Bellars, Buffy, Christopher Daniels and Lita.
BI:HOLY SHIT Daniels is a female!!!!!!!????
Reginald: I thought he was...
Reginald: Anyway, stop masturbating to the thought of Daniels with a vagina and answer the question.
Bi:man i almost had sex with that He or She EWWWW!!
Reginald: What does it matter? You go both ways.
Bi:Yes but i hate boobs!! ewww
Bi:Guys boobs are better
Reginald: Yours are the biggest I've ever seen.
Bi:AWWWWW thanks sexy
Bi:Will boner boy says Buffy is hot as fuck
Bi:So i guess i will go with her
Reginald: Who the hell is Boner Boy?
Bi:Boner Boy is my manager...and my lover
Reginald: I see...Have you had any sexual encounters with other EPW superstars yet?
BI:UMMMM not yet but i wanna get tugboat in my bed
Reginald: I think your bed would collapse...
Bi:But i think it will be fun
Reginald: What are your opinions of the following superstars...
Reginald: Vic Jericho.
Bi:Will i dont really know him but some people say that he is a good wrestler
Reginald: Scott Hall.
Bi:Oh Yea Scott Hall Old NwO i always wanna to met him
Reginald: Chris Benoit.
Bi:Chris Benot hahahaha man he gives good head
Reginald: I agree...
Reginald: Mr Perfect.
Bi:Mr.Perfect,is the best dam Wrestlers in Epw and in WM 5 is going to be Mr.Perfect vs Bi show For the Epw World title
Reginald: Haha, if you say so...
Reginald: What do you think of EPW Champion, Al Snow.
Bi:Will i never meet him but he looks crazy
Reginald: Rob Van Dam.
Bi:RVD!!!!!!! he is a really good high flying superstar
Reginald: And finally, Kurt Angle.
Bi:Kurt Angle sucks just like the song You suck You Suck!!!!!
Reginald: What is your proudest achievement in EPW so far?
Bi:My Bi Belt!!!!!!!
Reginald: Do you have anything else to say before we wrap this up?
Bi:Ummm yea TugBoat i want u to team up with me so we can Take them belt from RVD and Scott Hall So what do u say dude????
Reginald: Bi Show, thank you for your time...
RVD: Well, we now know that Bi Show is bisexual AND retarded.
Mr T: RVD!!!!! RVD!!!!!!!!
RVD: What, T?
Mr T: I foun' mah stalker!!!!!! I even gots it on tape...Leroy, roll da tape.
::Mr T is shown in the Men's Restroom, kicking in all the stalls, and then beating the shit out of some guy sitting on the toilet. The tape ends::
Mr T: I foun' him! FINALLY!!!
::Mr Cinemax then runs onto the stage, wearing a trenchcoat.::
Mr T: Boy, wha'chu doin' here?
Mr Cinemax: I WAS YOUR STALKER!!!! You hit me with a baseball bat!
Mr T: Well you shat on a coffee table, sick freak.
::Mr Cinemax opens his trenchcoat, turns around, bends over, and sprays Mr T with human excrement. Mr Cinemax then runs away.::
Mr T: KILL YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
::Mr T runs after Mr Cinemax, who makes it out the back door, gets into a car and drives away::
RVD: For the second time in 5 episodes, I'm going to have to go to Haku answering your questions while we get a janitor out here to clean this shit up. OTIS!!!!
Quiz Asks: "Haku how are you. Here is one for you. If 2 and 1 is oil and 3 and 1 is shoe polish what is 4 and 1?"
Haku: Five.
XxX EFJ XxX Asks: "Why is it called driveway where you park and parkway where you drive?"
Haku: Because Americans do everything ass backwards.
XxX EFJ XxX Asks: "Why does glue stick on the outside but not on the inside?"
Haku: Because while inside, it is tightly sealed with no oxygen, which is why if you took the top off a glue bottle, it WOULD all stick together. But who cares about this shit, where are the interesting questions? I'm not Ask Jeeves.
Ecwboy212 Asks: "Haku, why does EPW consist of all killers and potheads?"
Haku: Because Nad and RVD = Ratings.
MoRGz420 Asks: "Is it normal to fuck your stepsister if she's really hot?"
Haku: Of course it is, you're not related by blood. Just don't let Dad find out. I had to kill MY stepfather when he found out I was banging his daughter...Don't forget to send me more questions, I'm fresh out. PLEASE SEND ME MORE QUESTIONS, I NEED THIS JOB!!!!!!!
RVD: And now, Huey Lewis...and The News!!!!
::Huey Lewis comes out with a microphone and guitar, along with the rest of his band,and they perform in the background as RVD reads the news::
RVD: Christina Van Dam has been fired from the show.
Huey: That's the poooooooooooooooower of looooooooooove.
RVD: Test retired this Tuesday, after losing to Kurt Angle.
Huey: THIS IS ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
RVD: A few titles changed hands at the show, as RVD and Scott Hall defeated Justin Adams and Dean Malenko, Christopher Daniels won Mr Perfect's Intercontinental Title. However, The Bi Show lost his EWF Title Match against Tugboat.
Huey: Gonna go baaaaaaaack in tiiiiiiiiiime.
RVD: Raven and Christopher Daniels formed an alliance at the show.
Huey: DOOOOOOOOO YOOOOOOOOOOU BELIEEEEEEEVE IN LOOOOOOOVE?!
RVD: And Savio Mavio won a battle royal to become the first EPW TV Champion.
Huey: It's hip to beeeeeeee square!!!!
RVD: Yours truly got out of his XPW contract by defeating CM Punk on Monday, and I also cut off Rob Black's hand so he couldn't sign any contracts to make me defend my XPW World Title!! Muahahahahah!!
Huey: I want a neeeeeeeeeeew drug.
RVD: Huey's out of hit songs, so this concludes the news. AND NOW, TO CLOSE THE SHOW, SUCKCOCK HOLMES IS BACK!!!!! Once again, written by Nad.
The Mysteries of Suckcock Holmes!
EMTs Played By RVD, Scott Hall and Frankie from Boy Meets World
Old Man in the Audience: I heard the actor who plays him really IS gay!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
::"Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult plays as the cameras zoom on Chief Jay driving down main street. All of a sudden a Black '69 Chevelle speeds past him and cuts him off. Chief Jay puts down his Boston Kreme and flicks the sirens on in pursuit of the speeding vehicle::
Chief Jay: Yes, In pursuit of a Black Chevelle 10:4 need backup
::Chief Jay follows the car, backup never comes, they're working as guards for the Test Retirement show. He eventually follows the chevelle to a country a road, suddenly the Chevell pulls a 180 E-Brake. Chief Jay's Interceptor doesnt brake fast enough and he runs over a strip of nails. He loses control of the car and slams into a tree, his car going up in flames. A man steps out of the car and you see its Nad The Ripper with a 20 gauge shotgun. He walks in slow motion towards the burning vehicle, as Jay awakens from the impact::
Chief Jay: What the....its..YOU!
Nad: ::breathes in deeply through his nose:: I smell bacon on the grill
::flashes a huge grin, then he grabs Jay by the neck and throws him out of his car. He clicks the shotgun::
Chief Jay: Please..no..I have a family, I just taught little Tugboat how to throw a baseball
Nad: I guess his mother's gunna have to teach him to play softball
::BOOM!::The shot hits him right in his shoulder::
Chief Jay: ::screams loud:: You fuckin.. ::he suddenly reaches for his 9mm::as he brings the gun out Nad shoots his hand off thats holding the gun:: AHHHHH!!
::"I Shot The Sherrif" by Bob Marley plays as Nad dances around, shooting Chief Jay repeatedly with the shotgun. He lights a Marb 27, clicks the gun one last time, and shoots the car, hitting the gas tank. The whole area goes up in flames as Nad steps into his car. He looks back at the destruction, laughs and rips a shot away from the scene in his Chevelle.::
::Later that night Suckcock arrives on the scene with cops surrounding the scene. He sees that its Chief jay thats been murdered and runs to the EMTs taking the body away::
Suckcock: Chief Jay! What the...no..NO..NO!! ::he pushes the EMTs away, and takes Chief Jay's burnt slacks off and starts sucking his Cripsy Critter:: NO! YOU CANT BE DEAD! *gulp* Cum..err..Come Back to me! *gulp*gulp* ::Suckcock stops sucking and looks up to the sky on his knees:: WWHHYYY!! ::he starts to cry::
::Suddenly the EMTs he pushed away start tackling him and beat the piss out of him.::
Suckcock: Wait No! Stop! I'll do anything!
Frankie EMT: ANYTHING?!?!? ::flashes a big grin on his face::
RVD EMT: Frankie! Come here for a second!
::The 3 EMTs huddle together for a moment then they come out laughing
slightly::
Frankie EMT: ::Dropping his pants:: ur gunna have to eat my shit!
::The two EMTs burst out in laughter as Frank sits over and Diahrrea's on Suckcock's face. He then sits on suckcock's face completely::
Frankie EMT: You two go on ahead, pick me up in about an hour!
Scott Hall EMT: No problem Frankie boy!
::The ambulence pulls away to the tune of "The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang::
Stay Tuned Next Week for Another Edition of RVD's SMOKEEEEEEEEEEOUT!!!!