having d.i.d or osdd doesnt make you broken
having tourettes doesnt make you broken
being autistic doesnt make you broken
having adhd doesnt make you broken
having ocd doesnt make you broken
having a personality disorder doesnt make you broken
having bipolar disorder doesnt make you broken
having schizophrenia doesnt make you broken
having a psychotic disorder doesnt make you broken
having depersonalisation, derealisation, dissociation, etc. doesnt make you broken
having dyslexia, dyscaluclia, dysgraphia, etc. doesnt make you broken
having ptsd or c-ptsd doesnt make you broken
having an eating disorder doesnt make you broken
having a depressive disorder/depression doesnt make you broken
having an anxiety or panic disorder doesnt make you broken
having literally any mental disorder or neurodivergency that i havent mentioned here doesnt make you broken.
and... thats that! you are not broken, you arent a burden, you arent ‘‘crazy’‘, you arent unlovable, and you arent a bad person.
youre worthy of love, youre worthy of kindness, youre worthy of life and a community.
this is incredibly corny but its true.
Lucille and Eliott met when they were both very young, here is a piece of their love story.
They truly loved each other, maybe in a wrong way, but love isn’t always an easy thing to live and to do.
From 2014 to 2019. From Lucille to Lucas, with a lot of Eliott in the middle.
Happy Birthday
Monday, February 29, 2016, 10:20 am
Lucille's daily life was going on. High school, her friends, the house, her brother, her mother, her father sometimes, snow on January, wind on February. As for Eliott, he was feeling a lot better. He hadn't told her about it, but his mother had told her one night that the doctor had prescribed anti-depressants and sessions with a therapist. Back in high school, he laughed, went out with his friends, came back to life step by step.
One morning, Lucille had made the way from home to school alone, neither Eliott nor Charlotte starting at the same time as her. Her first class was History class. Lucille loved History. Leaving the classroom, she was in great chat with one of her friends when Eliott stood in front of her, greeted her with a quick kiss on her mouth and a bright smile.
"Hi !
-I'll wait outside, I'm going to smoke a cigarette.” Lucille's friend slipped away and left the couple alone.
"Hi.” The girl smiled. "How are you?
-Not bad. But the best is yet to come!
-Ah yeah? "
Eliott raised his eyebrows mysteriously and leaned onto her ear.
"Come on, I'll take you away.
-What?
-No more school for us today!"
Lucille was confused. Eliott was proposing to skip a whole day of school? For a student as serious and assiduous as she, such a plan came out way off her comfort zone.
"I dunno...
-Come on! Just today!"
The girl looked down. What would her parents think if they learnt that their usually studious daughter was having fun skipping school? And what would Eliott's mother think? Lucille still heard her voice in her ear, worrying about her son's delay about high school.
She looked up and met Eliott gaze. How to resist him? The girl bit her lip and smiled.
"Well... Where do you want to go?” She asked in a small voice as if she feared that anyone other than Eliott could hear her.
"Yes!” The boy shouted, much less concerned than she was to be heard. He put his hands on her cheeks and quickly put his lips on hers. "It's a surprise, I've planned everything. We put our books in my locker and we're out off here!”
Lightened bags, hand in hand, high school in the back, Lucille and Eliott had the whole city just for them.
"Well, you have the choice. Either we take bus and subway or we walk.” The boy said.
"is it far?
-No, it's ok.
-Then we walk!"
Wanting to take the time to make the most of this day, Lucille was in no hurry to get to the destination, whatever the nature of the latter. That day, the air was cold but a big sun was shining in the blue sky of Paris. The icy wind coming to sting her nose, the teenager buried her face in her thick scarf, Eliott's hand still in hers.
With a quiet step, the young couple went up the Faubourg Saint-Jacques, walked along the old walls with colorful mosaics of the Hôpital Cochin, turned to rue de Cassini to join the avenue de l'Observatoire and its plane trees denuded because of the winter, they walked along the jardin des Grands Explorateurs, deserted at this hour then walked on rue Michelet.
A few meters away, without warning, Eliott stopped and turned to an impressive building of the late nineteenth century of white stones and fine moldings.
"Here we are.” He said proudly.
Surprised, Lucille looked around. She didn't know this place, looking up, she saw a great status and read the Romanesque writings under it.
"The... The pharmacy school?"
The young girl was expecting anything but that. She had imagined a cinema, a café or even a museum. But this? No really not.
"Yeah.” Eliott replied, visibly amused by Lucille's surprised look. "Come on."
They crossed the doors of the school.
Lucille had never been to any university. The students, of course, all older than them, walked and ran between classrooms, serious teachers walked at full speed, piles of papers in their hands. The young girl, insecure by the gap she felt growing between them and her, squeezed Eliott's hand a little harder. In a nice outdoor courtyard, the teenager pushed a small iron gate.
There, in the middle of the university, was nestled a lush garden despite the winter time. The couple was alone.
"Do we have the right to be here?” Lucille asked worriedly.
Eliott said nothing, just shrugging his shoulders. The girl slowed down.
"Don't worry, it's open to the public!” Eliott retorted and laughed.
The botanical garden of La Faculté de Pharmacie de Paris was one of those hidden gardens that few Parisians knew. Created in 1884, this small botanical garden allowed students to learn the names and to recognize medicinal or toxic plants.
Eliott and Lucille walked for a long time between basins, greenhouses and flowerbeds, laughing at some strange names, smelling the aromatic plants and watching the toxic ones.
Sitting on a stone bench dominated by an impressive silver lime tree, Eliott fished a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit one to his mouth. Nonchalantly, he put an arm around Lucille's shoulders, sitting close to him. The two teenagers remained motionless, one tightly against the other, wrapped in their winter coats.
"So? Are we better here or in physics class?” Eliott asked.
"Here, a thousand times here.” Lucille replied, smiling at him.
"I have a surprise for you.” The boy said, leaning over his bag before putting it on his lap.
"Another ?
-I... I know I haven't been the best boyfriend lately, I didn't even wish you your birthday."
Lucille had turned 16 on February 1st, the same day that Eliott's parents took him to see their doctor. Indeed, the boy didn't call her or even send a message. If deep inside herself, the girl had felt a tiny bit of disappointment, she wasn't mad at him at all.
"It doesn't matter, really.” She said, pivoting slightly on the small stone bench to face him.
"Yeah, but still, I'm catching up..." Eliott answered as he took a small black case out of his bag and handed it to her with both hands. "Happy Birthday."
The girl grabbed the case, opened it delicately and discovered a fine silver bangle bracelet. Not knowing what to do or, worst, what to say, she looked at it for a moment before looking up into Eliott gaze.
"Put it on..."
With a trembling hand, she took the bracelet with her fingertips and put it on her thin wrist. The colour of silver blended perfectly with her smooth, pale skin. This jewelry had to cost him a fortune, maybe his parents had participated in this gift? Lucille smiled and put her lips on Eliott's.
"Thank you.” She whispered, sincerely surprised and happy to live this little moment with her lover.
MY OWN PERSONAL STORY||1,000 FOLLOWERS THANK YOU POST
( this is going to be loooong so you are ine for a treat soz)
Hello,
My name is Melissa and I am 17 years old. I live in Marseille, France and am in my second year of high school (Year 12/ 11th grade).
And I suffer with bipolar disorders. A lot of people already know that, I already talked about it briefly but I promised myself that if I’ll ever reach 1,000 followers on this blog, I would talk about it. Because I need to. And because I want people to know the side of me that I once used to hide. So here is my own personal story.
When I was 13, I was in year 10 (9th grade) when I started going out with my frist ever boyfriend. This guy used to be my childhood best friend, I had known him for years and we lived like in the same street basically. We saw each other everyday and I fell in love with him. I mean, yes I was young and had probably no idea what love meant but still, I did love him now that I remember our moments together. So we started dating and you know, he was great. He would come to pick me up at my house and we’d hang out in the park and all that kind of stuff. But turns out, he was a dick, a bastard, an idiot and he destroyed my bloody life.
It had been around 2 mounths since him and I were together and one day, he asked me to come at his house. It wasn’t a problem since our families knew each other and I’ve already been there so many times. So I went there and we had a great afternoon, blasting music really loud and dancing and stuff but then it suddenly changed. And he got closer to me and we kissed but then he started tugging at my clothes, trying to bring our bodies together. But I mean I was 13, I was like a baby! He asked if we could “do it” and obviously I said no multiple times but he insisted again and again until I was frozen in panic and he had his hands all over me. And it happened. I don’t even know if I can call that being ‘raped’ because I knew what was happening and I didn’t want to do it but I was weak and I didn’t fight to get away from him. But what he did is still a crime to me because everything that came next in my life is his fault. And it still affects me today.
He broke up with me the next morning, saying that he never even loved me and simply wanted to “do it” and then threw me away. And this broke me. And this event was qualified as what started my bipolar disorders. I started to cut myself a lot, like all over my arms. I tried smoking for a while. I started skipping school a few times, lying to my parents. I was so mad that I had been blind and wrong about him that I was spreading this hate on myself. And it was a horrible thing to do. I was just so freaking young and innocent. I still have scars showing today and when I look down to them, I see my young self crying every night to sleep because people made fun of her, because he broke her and it reminds me of everything that it lead me to. Even still today, 4 years later.
I hated myself. I am chubby, fat even I would say and it is something that I’ve always blamed myself for because it is my fault. I could have stopped that but I didn’t. And I’m uncomfortable in my body, I just look at myself and think “who would want to go out with that?”. And that’s not normal. And this is also something that he had done to me. The confidence that I had started to gain while dating him was now broke into pieces and now it still is, even if yes I have to admit that I finally dress as I want but I still don’t like my body.
I was failing everything at school. And last year was awful, I was failing and working hard but I was still thinking about what had happened and it didn’t help. And I was close to going back into that deep whole that depression is. For some reason, I knew it was about to hit me hard but there’s this one person that changed everything.
Joseph Sugg. This thatcher youtuber that makes me now probably the happiest person ever. And everytime that I feel lost or broken again, I look at him and everything seems right again. He fixed me. And I am so lucky to be living in the same generation as him. I am so lucky to be a part of the people that got to know him and he is so important to me. People probably hear that all the time but they don’t undertand how much someone can mean something to a person that’s going through an emotional situation. And he makes me smile and laugh to the point of tears. Just as much as the other boys do. He means the absolute world to me because when I look at him, I remind myself that I am loved somehow, even if he is miles away and I will probably never be able to see his smile in person, he makes me feel loved and it is something that I haven’t felt in a long time. He makes me who I am today. And I could never say how thankful I am for this human being.
I will never say it enough but I love you, Joseph Graham Sugg, because you reminded me that in this big crual world that we live in, there is still a reason to smile everyday and a reason to live. And you are my reason.
I also wanted to thank you all, my lovely followers for being 1,000! I can’t believe it, I love you all so much and thank you for liking/reading my stories. This brings a smile on my face.
Lucille and Eliott met when they were both very young, here is a piece of their love story.
They truly loved each other, maybe in a wrong way, but love isn’t always an easy thing to live and to do.
From 2014 to 2019. From Lucille to Lucas, with a lot of Eliott in the middle.
Goodbye
Saturday, December 12, 2015, 14:08
Lying on the sofa in the living room, Lucille was immersing herself into her book, Froth on the Daydream by Boris Vian. On the small table next to her was her cell phone and a hot cup of tea. Everything was for the best in the best of all possible worlds. After being graduated with great marks, Lucille had joined high school, the same as Eliott and two other friends.
The life of high school's young girl pleased her beyond all hope. The growing independence, interesting teachers, new knowledges... And beyond all this, important things that didn't change. Always the same neighborhood where she felt so good, friends, Ali, Charlotte, long talks with her mother, her habits, her little pleasures and Eliott. More than a year since the two teenagers had chosen to be together. An eternity at this young age. Everything was going well between them. Eliott was the human being with whom Lucille preferred to spend all her free time. Indeed, they had fights. Which couple doesn't know any of them? Eliott's changing mood combined with Lucille's susceptibility sometimes resulted in full hours of cries and misunderstandings, but that never lasted. They always brought themselves together.
That day, her mother was at work and her little brother was at their father's house. Silence fell in the living room, Lucille's playlist had just ended. Not really knowing what to listen anymore, the girl looked, absentmindedly her mother's CD shelf. She grabbed Ben Harper's album Diamonds on the inside and slid it into the CD player. Eliott used to make fun about her musical tastes. "This is soo boho!”, “Ok guys! Be careful, Lucille is choosing the music, we're screwed!"... Some teases which amused Lucille as Eliott's own musical tastes were... originals.
She sighed happily as she fell back onto the couch at the sound of Ben Harper's sweet voice. She loved so much this kind of afternoons. No schedule, no obligation. Just a good book and some music she liked. Knowing that she would spend the evening with Charlotte and some friends to let off steam on the dance floor, this weekend was absolutely perfect.
She had no sooner opened her book than her phone rang. Nevertheless, good things never last las they say... Catching her cell phone, she saw Charlotte's picture appear on the screen.
"Hi Dollface!” She greeted her, picking up.
At first, Lucille didn't hear anything at the other end of the phone. Then, after a few seconds, the sound of growing sobs reached her ear.
"Hey.” Lucille said, straightening slightly.
"Lucille... Ali..." Charlotte's shrill voice was full of tears, she was crying.
"Ali what?
-He's dead.”
Lucille felt the whole universe dissolve all around her. Nothing else existed except the voice of her friend saying the same words again and again. "He's dead. He's dead. He's dead."
Her tight throat blocking the air, Lucille had a hard time breathing. It was impossible. Not him, not now.
"How?” She asked.
"...On his scooter... He slipped... And... There was a car..." Charlotte answered with many heavy sobs.
The two friends remained a long time without saying anything, Charlotte crying, Lucille struggling to fully understand the terrible situation.
Then she hung up and at that moment the girl felt alone, so alone. She wanted her mother to be there. She would have taken her in her arms and would have comfort her. Just like when she was a little girl and had nightmares. As the first tear rolled down her cheek, the reality hit her hard: Lucille was no more six years old but almost ten more and she was alone in this big Paris apartment. The contrast between Ben Harper's sweet voice and the chaos of her thoughts was unbearable.
Eliott. His name cames out in the middle of her scrambled mind. He too must have known. If Lucille couldn't have the comforting arms of her mother, she would have those understanding of Eliott. They would share the same sorrow, dilute their same pain in their cuddles.
Without taking the time to think too much, she slipped her feet into her sneakers and rushed outside. In the street, Lucille did her best to hold back her tears. At the foot of the neighboring building, she entered the entry code, climbed up the stairs and knocked on Demaury family's door.
It was Eliott's mother who came to open it. When her eyes fell on Lucille, she raised her eyebrows, visibly surprised to see her here.
"Lucille? Eliott isn't with you?
-What? No... I... I came to see him..."
Noticing the girl's red and wet eyes, Eliott's mother looked worried.
"What's going on Lucille?
-It's... Ali, he had an accident, he... He's...”
Mrs. Demaury didn't need Lucille to finish her sentence to understand its terrible end. Her whole body shook and she turned back to the living room.
"Chris.” She called her husband. "Eli isn't at Lucille's and..." The girl didn't hear the rest.
Remaining there, in the entrance, totally helpless, no longer understanding what was being played around her, Lucille took a few steps inside the apartment. With trembling legs, she collapsed on a wooden chair. There, she took her head in her hands and burst into tears. It was too much. Too much for a very young girl like her. She cried like a child facing the greatest of sorrows. Her body shook with jerks, tears spurted out of her big hazel eyes to crash on her hands and on the floor.
After what seemed like an eternity, Lucille heard Eliott's mother walked over. The latter was putting on her coat when she saw the teenager in tears.
"Oh... I'm sorry, love..."
She crouched down in front of her and took her in his arms. She held her tight as she would have done for her own daughter.
"I know, it's very hard... There is nothing to say for now... You have the right to cry, to scream, to insult.” She whispered, stroking her hair.
Finally relieved to find a kind shoulder to express her pain, Lucille let herself go, resting her head on the shoulder of Eliott's mother.
The two women remained motionless for a moment, one snuggled into the arms of the other.
"Look, I'm sorry but we have to go get Eliott.
-Where is he?” Lucille asked, backing up slightly before sniffling loudly.
"I don't know. He had someone on the phone and he went out saying he had to see you.” Eliott's mother said, handing her a tissue.
"He must not be far...
-We don't know either. A few years ago, he had a very very very hard time because of the loss of his grandfather and now... I don't like to know he's alone outside.
-I understand...
-You can stay here if you want."
Anxious at the thought of being all alone again and feeling the great worry in Eliott's mother's voice, Lucille shuddered.
"Can I come with you to help you find him?
-Okay but you call your mother first and you tell her everything."
The trio spent a good part of the afternoon browsing Eliott's favourite places. It was only around 5pm that they found him, sitting on the pavement near their old school.
Back at the apartment, Eliott's parents and her own mother agreed that Lucille spend the evening and the night with her boyfriend.
She snuggled against him all night long. He, staring into the void, as absent from his own body, never put his arms around her.
Lucille and Eliott met when they were both very young, here is a piece of their love story.
They truly loved each other, maybe in a wrong way, but love isn’t always an easy thing to live and to do.
From 2014 to 2019. From Lucille to Lucas, with a lot of Eliott in the middle.
Skids I
Friday, July 8, 2016, 8:12 AM
To celebrate the end of school year, Lucille, Eliott and three of their friends had decided to go on holidays together on the île de Ré. The small amount of money they have saved during the year combined with some helps from their parents allowed them to book a small camping site for a week.
Joyfully, they took the train then went to the island by bus. The first day was devoted to the build up of their small camp. They stayed awake until a very late hour, all being euphoric to live their first holidays just between friends with no parents to watch on them.
In the tent, Lucille had fallen asleep quickly, curled up in her comfy sleeping bag. Eliott, not feeling the slightest sign of tiredness, took his sketchbook and started drawing frantically.
The next day, awakened by the already bright light of the morning sun, Lucille opened her eyes. At her side, Eliott was sitting cross-legged, his body quite leaning on his notebook. Around him were piled many pieces of papers, some crumpled others intact, all covered with different black and white drawings.
"Hello..." Lucille said in a voice still clouded with sleep.
Eliott, visibly too focused on his drawings, didn't answer. Stretching, she straightened hard and was quickly hit by a vague feeling of fog. Looking around, she saw the remains of a joint in a shell beside Eliott.
"Have you smoked in the tent?” She asked with frowning brows, her eyes struggling to stay open.
"Oh hi.” He said, finally noticing her. Suddenly he leaned toward her and came to crush, more than to put, his lips on hers. "Yeah, just a small stick, for inspiration."
A bad smell of old smoke floated into the whole tent. Lucille put her hand on her forehead, her head was hurting bad. So he had smoked in it? Was it too hard to go out, to get away from just two meters? Despite the growing anger, the girl made the choice to say nothing, preferring to avoid any early argument.
"My head hurts..." She whispered.
"I took some pills.” The young man answered quickly, distractedly. "Look!"
With a sudden gesture he held out his skechbook under Lucille's eyes. The latter grabbed it and went through the many pages covered with many sketches. Everything seemed to follow a thread that clearly escaped the misty mind of the girl. While some drawings followed logically, others seemed to have fallen randomly on the paper. Sentences and simple words punctuated the story rather randomly as well. If the drawings were as usual, very well done, the organisation of them all was obviously more than wobbly.
"Have you done this all night long?
-Yeah.
-You didn't sleep?
-No. So? That's good huh?!"
Lucille looked up. It was obvious that the boy hadn't closed his eyes of all night. He had drawn features and his eyes were red and puffy. He watched her, waiting for an answer from her, unable to hide his excitation.
"Yes. Yes... It's nice.” She answered, unwilling to honestly share her real thoughts. He seemed so happy, she didn't want to dissapoint him.
"I'm sure it could be a huge success.
-What?
-I will publish it. I just have to finish it and that's it.
-The... Publish it? But how?” Lucille had a hard time holding a so... surprising talk. Moreover at her wake up, in such a small tent, her mind misted with the vapors of cannabis.
"I'll find a publisher in Paris! Fuck, it's gonna be awesome..." For a moment, Eliott appeared to pause, he inhaled a great breath of air and then slammed his thighs. "Well! I'm hungry, let's go to the bakery! See ya'!” As soon as he said it, he pulled on the zippers of the tent and stormed out.
Enjoying a little fresh air from outside, Lucille took a deep breath and dropped back onto the thin mattress. Eliott's mind was filled with dreams and different plans, among others, that's what Lucille loved so much about him.
Friday, July 29, 2016, 9:36 pm
Lucile was comfortably seated in her living room, playing a board game with her mother and younger brother. It had been an eternity that the girl hadn't spend a nice family evening, without tv or stupid fights. The window opened on the street let the noises of the terraces and the singing of the starlings in the plane trees of the little square be heard.
While Lucille was about to throw the dice on the game board, a knock was heard at the front door. Mrs Guisez was about to get up when Eliott came into the apartment with a quick step. When he knew that Lucille wasn't alone at home, he used to wait for someone to come and open the door, he never came inside on his own. Surprised, the girl got up and went to meet him.
"Hi.” Eliott kissed her longer than necessary in front of her family then shifted to greet them. "What's up?” He asked Lucille's mother.
Since when did he talked to her mother in a so familiar way? It didn't bother the young girl but it was... New.
Mrs Guisez had no time to answer that Eliott was already focusing all his attention to Lucille.
"Look what I did this afternoon!” He lifted his T-shirt and showed her his bare torso. Lucille, astonished and a little ashamed of such a weird behaviour in front of her mother, didn't immediately see the little inscription on Eliott's heart.
"It's... A tattoo?
-Yeah." The boy replied proudly.
Under a small patch of cellophane paper and covered with a thick layer of moisturizing cream, was engraved in the skin of Eliott the word "life" in black ink. The calligraphy was pretty.
"Nice huh?"
Lucille would have preferred to be alone with him in her room but the boy didn't seem determined to move.
"Well... Yeah, yes it's nice. But... Did you do it straight out, on a whim? You never told me about it before.
-I had the idea yesterday. "Life" is for Ali, for us, for everyone actually, to not forget to live, to live wildly, to do what we love, to do what we want.
-But...
-See, it's on my heart, I think it's cool to know that where it beats there's always life. As long as it works, there's hope. I couldn't be there for Ali so I wanted to pay tribute to him. Now I always have him with me."
Eliott spoke quickly without taking the time to breathe, still shirtless, a bright smile hanging on his face.
Lucille turned towards her mother and her little brother and blushed at their lost looks.
"You... Don't you think you'll regret it?"
Eliott's eyes darkened, his face closed.
"No. Why would you want me to regret?
-I don't know... A... a tattoo is for life.
-Well no, I won't regret it.
-You... Your parents know?"
At this last question, Eliott abruptly lowered his shirt. His eyes were now angry and expressed only contempt about the girl.
"You're pissing me off.” Lucille froze, astonished by such a violence. Feeling the accusing look of her mother on her boyfriend, Lucille remained speechless for a moment. "I show you something that makes me happy, which is important to me and you breaking my balls with your fucking stupid questions!
-Ellio...
-Forget it, bye.” The young man turned around and got out of the apartment, slamming the door.
Struggling to realise what just had happened, Lucille remained motionless for a few long seconds. She finally turned and walked slowly back to the table.
"Is averything allright?” Her mother asked worriedly.
"Yeah, yeah, it's just that he's a bit sensitive at the moment..." Lucille answered, minimising the whole situation.
"It's not a reason to talk to you this way."
The teenage girl brushed her mother's worries aside, trying to shut her own growing doubts in her mind.
Lucille and Eliott met when they were both very young, here is a piece of their love story.
They truly loved each other, maybe in a wrong way, but love isn’t always an easy thing to live and to do.
From 2014 to 2019. From Lucille to Lucas, with a lot of Eliott in the middle.
Waking up
Tuesday, February 16, 2016, 12:35 pm
Two weeks ago, Eliott's parents and himself had gone to their family doctor. Since then, no news. Lucille had tried to call Eliott but he had never answered or even called back. For days she shut her desire to go to his home. Dying to know more, worried about the possible diagnosis the doctor could have made, she didn't want to invade her boyfriend's personal space either. He would have promptly send her packing, saying to her to mind of her own business and he would have been right in a way.
Eliott didn't show up in high school like every last weeks. Ok, the girl didn't kid herself, she knew that everything wasn't going to be solved in a few days, that Eliott's sadness wouldn't dissapear in a few hours but still... Lucille had hoped that with the doctor, the support of his mother, some rest, maybe... No, obviously, she got her hopes too high again.
One evening, on her way back home, she had sat down for a long time on the bench of the little square, remaining motionless despite the small parisian's rain. The light in Eliott's room was off. Was he at home? Was he absent? Lucille didn't know anything about it. Despite everything, she sat there on her little wooden bench, waiting for some sign that never came.
Next day, Lucille was leaving a particularly boring mathematics class. Walking along one of the high school corridors, she was chatting with two of her friends when she felt her phone ringing against her thigh. Folding her hand in her pocket, she pulled it out with difficulty and saw Eliott's name appear on the screen. She looked wide-eyed at her friends.
"It's him!
-What are you waiting for? Answer!"
Lucille, with a hurried step, went away from the crowd and picked her phone up.
"Yeah?
-Hi.” Eliott's voice was hoarser than usual, as if he had just woken up from a long, very long sleep.
"Hi.” The girl answered, so glad to finally have a real exchange with her boyfriend for weeks. "Are you okay?” She asked.
"It's okay. You?” He answered simply.
"Fine fine, thanks. I'm out of math, my head is going to explode!” Lucille had the impression that Eliott smiled at the other end of the phone, but perhaps she was mistaken. "You... you're at home?” Lucille asked, forcing herself to keep a light, almost playful tone.
"Yeah. Well, uh... Lucille, I'm sorry I didn't answer or call you back.
-Doesn't matter. Really, I don't mind." She sweared, sincerely happy to hear even a little bit of his voice. "If... If you call me now it means that you're feeling better.
-Yes, a little better. Would you like to go to the cinema with me tomorrow?
-Yeah sure!
-Good. See you at... 2 tomorrow?
-That works for me.
-Then... See you tomorrow.
-Take care."
The girl hung up and hugged, without really realizing it, her phone against her heart, a big smile hanging on her pink lips.
Lucille and Eliott met when they were both very young, here is a piece of their love story.
They truly loved each other, maybe in a wrong way, but love isn’t always an easy thing to live and to do.
From 2014 to 2019. From Lucille to Lucas, with a lot of Eliott in the middle.
Skids II
Wednesday, August 3, 2016, 5:08 pm
Lucille and some of her friends had decided on that day to celebrate the surprise birthday of Antoine, one of Eliott's best friends. Everyone was at their usual café at 2PM, waiting for Antoine. Only Eliott was missing. Lucille tried to call him several times with no answer. The couple had seen each other since the tattoo incident and everything went well, Eliott acting as if nothing had happened.
It wasn't until 3 hours later that the young man appeared on the terrace, wide dark rings under his eyes and a bright smile on his face. He spoke quickly and was unable to stand still.
"Hey sorry guys! I had lost hack of time!” He exclaimed without any real excuses in his voice. Eliott gave high fives to his friends, kissed Lucille's temple and sat down abruptly at the only free chair. Even when he was sitting, his legs kept moving, he ordered a beer.
"I'm on a whole new project.” Announced the young man without anyone asking him anything. "I'm writing some political articles. Caricatures and denunciations. With everything going on with this fucking society, I think people need to have their eyes open."
For many minutes Eliott explained his new ambitions to the small group of their friends. At first interested, they all listened to him, then, finally, grew weary, Eliott's speeches being more than painstaking to follow. Some tried to redirect the conversation but, taking advantage of well-fallen gaps, Eliott always came back to his words.
"I have a cousin who's journalist, I sent him some of my sketches. I honestly think it could interest many many french people. Then we'll see for the translation. A new look on society by someone who is young. It's gonna be a huge success, I have to start using social networks...” Feeling the awkwardness growing up around the table, Lucille glanced at her friends. Obiviously, some of them didn't understand anything of what was happening, not recognizing their friend. Others watched him angrily, starting to lose patience, annoyed by Eliott's overwhelming presence.
"The style is more realistic than what I used to draw, it...
"Are you serious Eliott?!” Antoine barked, staring at him.
"What?
-What the fuck is happening to you dude? Give us a break, we don't care about all your... New things!
-Aren't you interested in your friend's projects?"
Eliott's body was tense and his eyes glowed with anger, the frustration of not receiving the unconditional support of his friends overflowing of his dilated pupils. Lucille put a hand on his thigh.
"Yes of course I do but it's too much! You didn't even ask once how we are... Or... I don't know, maybe you could have wish me happy birthday ! Seriously, You don't give a fuck about what's going on around you! You're so fucking selfish, mec!"
Eliott stood up abruptly and leaned on the table in front of Antoine.
"Oh I see... You're so fucking jealous!” He taunted bitterly. "You can't stand my success, my projects!
-Excuse me?” Antoine replied in an aggressive voice as he got up in his turn. The tension was at its peak. Charlotte went close to Antoine.
"Drop it, you can see he isn't his normal self...
-For fuck sake! You too!” Eliott yelled, glaring at Charlotte. "You're all so envious...
-Eliott... " Lucille whispered, swamped by her boyfriend's anger.
"Let me finish! You are all so envious. You see me moving forward while you... You do nothing but shitting around and talking about how smart you are!"
Lucille felt tears come to her eyes. It wasn't Eliott, it wasn't him, it was impossible... All this hate, this feeling superiority, this total disregard for his friends... Why did he act like that? Something was wrong. Pulling herself together, she grabbed his hand and stood up.
"Come on, let's go.” She told him. She pulled him and dragged him away.
"Fuck, I can't believe it, they're pathetic, these aren't what I call friends!” Eliott was struggling to shut his anger off, still pissed of by the lack of interest his friends had in his plans.
So much anger... Lucille, judging that they were far away enough from their friends, stopped and stood in front of the young man, close to him.
"I'm sure they're concerned for you and your drawings and... uh... your new press articles. This isn't the point.” She said in the softest voice possible.
Eliott looked at her, his eyes filled with incomprehension.
"You look tired, haven't you slept yet?
-I'm too busy to sleep! It would be wasting time! Then I'm not tired!"
A heavy silence fell on the two teenagers. Lucille gathered all her courage and spoke again.
"You... Are you still going to see the therapist?
-Yeah.” The young man answered, shrugging his shoulders.
Relieved to see that Eliott didn't take her question badly, Lucille smiled at him, grabbed his shirt and moved closer to him.
"Do you know what would be nice?” She purred.
"What ?
-A quiet evening at home, my mother works late. No paper, no pencil, no TV, just you and me..."
The young man dropped her hands and ran his fingers through his wild hair.
"Yeah, well, sure, it would be nice but I have lots of things to do... I just had an idea, I have to go."
Without ceremony Eliott started to move away from Lucille, walking to his home.
"Wait... You... Aren't you going to your drawing class?” The girl called out one last time, looking at the dial of her watch.
"No, I gave up, the teacher sucks, I told her, she didn't like it. Well then, see ya'!"
Eliott disappeared into an adjacent street.
Lucille remained motionless as a statue on the sidewalk. No, really, something was definitely wrong.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016, 7PM
Lucille was reading one of her favourite books, comfortably lying on her bed. Eliott had come to spend part of the afternoon at her home. Despite the late hour, he was still there, sitting at the girl's desk, frantically covering dozens of papers of his hasty writing.
focused on her book, Lucille didn't notice at first that the little speaker was off for the first time in hours. Finally noticing, she looked up at her boyfriend.
Eliott had left the desk and stared at her with a dark look. Lucille swallowed hard, her mouth being dry since few seconds. The young man's face had always been very expressive, and it amused Lucille to see how much he couldn't hide the slightest emotion. Sadness, happiness, excitement, arousal... She knew every sign on Eliott's face. But this one... That staring and frightening gaze, jaw clenched, body stretched out. It was the first time. Lucille felt a cold shiver run down her spine. Not knowing how to react, she remained silent. Long seconds flew before Eliott took a few steps in her direction, his eyes still on her. As he walked towards her, he took off his T-shirt before throwing it into a corner of the room. He joined her on the bed, put his hands on her thin hips and buried his mouth against her neck.
"I want you.” He sighed in her ear.
Lucille relaxed. A small smile appeared on her face and she let her head back against the wooden headboard, welcoming the young man's lips on her skin. For days and days Eliot was distant, too busy with his various projects to be fully with Lucille. Only the two of them, forgetting the world around them. She wanted him too, she really wanted to make love with him but the reality caught up her very quickly. Her mother was in the living room, right there, on the other side of the thin door. No, it was definitely not the right time.
"Wait..." She whispered, half-heartedly, running her fingers through Eliott's hair, staring up at the ceiling, forcing herself to calm down.
The young man moved his lips to the base of her neck, his tongue dancing on the moist skin of Lucille. With his hands, he defly unclipped one by one the pearl buttons of the girl's white shirt. In his haste, he tore off one.
"Eliott, wait.” She repeated, still smiling, flattered by Eliott's desire.
Showing no reaction to the words of the girl, Eliott gently bit her skin, his hands on her breasts, only covered with a thin bra pink lace.
Had he not heard? Lucille cleared her throat.
"Eliott.” She called in a clearer, louder voice.
Still unresponsive, the young man leaned a little more and stretched out all his weight on the girl, squeezing his shirtless torso against her.
All arousal, all desire completely deserted Lucille's mind. Did he really intend to stop? What was going on in his head? Suddenly, fear gripped her throat. It wasn't him, it wasn't Eliott. He never had, in the past, made any violent or even inappropriate gesture in her direction. Always listening to her, he could hear and understand the least of her desires, each of her refusals. What was happening then so that this time Eliott refused to hear it?
"Eliott, stop..." She tried to pull out herself from his grip, but with an authoritarian gesture, the young man pushed his hips on against hers.
Lucille's eyes blurred with tears as she felt Eliott's fingers open the fly of her denim shorts. It was a nightmare.
On desperate move, Lucille put her hands on Eliott's head and pulled it back, gripping his hair by force. Having no other choice, the young man's gaze fell into her.
"Please... Stop ..." She asked him in a broken voice, forcing herself not to blink once to make him understand at best all the distress she felt at the moment.
Eliott finally stopped and in his eyes, Lucille saw a wave of terror carrying everything in its path. He straightened up, closed his eyes and when he opened them again, his gaze was filled with anger. Without saying anything, he stood up and stormed out of the room. The girl, not thinking twice, followed him. He didn't even take the time to put his T-shirt on. Shirtless, he crossed the living room with long strides, made his way past Lucille's mother who watched him, speechless then he left the apartment.
The shirt open on her bare skin and her bra, Lucille remained motionless. She met her mother's gaze.
"What happened?” She asked with an authoritative voice, worried about reading so much panic on her daughter's face.
Not wanting to explain anything right away and being unable, anyway, to produce the slightest sound coming from her knotted throat, Lucille turned around and came back into her room. After slamming the door, she leaned against it, feeling exhausted. The trembling body, still in shock, she slid to the ground, put her head on her knees and burst into tears.
