Nighttime is so bad because the world is so quiet - it’s me and my brain and nothing else so I’m gonna ramble if that’s alright.
I’m struggling. Hard. I know, you’re all shocked.
I’ve been trying to utilize coping mechanisms that I learned in group AND ones of my own, but even those are hard right now. One of my go-to’s is art - painting, coloring, making Mickey ears, etc - but the shakiness in my hands, presumably from my mood stabilizer, has gotten so bad that I can’t even hold a pencil straight. Holding my phone steady to take a picture is impossible. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it feels like my arms are weak and jello-y like they are after a particularly tough workout... except it never heals. My muscles are always twitching and quivering. My mom has even noticed it in my face. My psych doesn’t seem to give much of a shit and won’t see me before our scheduled appointment on March 9th, but I’m gonna make damn clear to him then that I can’t keep living like this. It’s affecting every part of my life...
Which is affecting my mood. DUH. It’s the damn cymbalta thing all over again. I don’t even feel in control of my physical body - how am I supposed to control my emotional well-being too?! I’m constantly alone, I have no friends around here and even my parents haven’t been around all week, none of the jobs that I’ve applied for have called me back yet - I’m stuck in the worst of holding patterns completely by myself in this damn house. I’m trying to do what I can to not succumb to the urge to stay in bed and cry about all of this - I went to therapy yesterday. I stayed out and window shopped for a good while. I’ve taken several baths with my fancy Lush bath bombs and used my oil diffuser. I’ve done yoga. I’ve tried to focus long enough to read books on my kindle or watch tv. I’m trying every typical self-soothe method in the book that I can and it’s just not working. I’m out of ideas.
If you have any other suggestions - especially regarding the tremors and twitching - please send them my way. Also gladly accepting ideas for coping skills. Or job offers, if you’ve got one of those. Otherwise, virtual hugs are rad. Know I’m sending them right back out to any of you who are struggling right now, too. We’re gonna get through this. ❤️
