Apparently I Am a Horrible Person
Over the past five days, I have a dear friend of many many years tell me I was a horrible person who has helped destroy our country. She also told me that my reasons for making choices I made were “dead wrong” and went so far as to bring my husband into the conversation claiming he had some not so great traits, so maybe she should think less of me for staying (in an attempt to compare to the Clintons).
Add on to that an exchange with someone I don’t even know on a mutual friend’s wall who attacked me for writing this about Kennedy and race:
“As for the racial identity, I see my child for everything she is... multi racial. She is part African-American (not sure which country specifically), but also part Polish and part Italian. The issue that often isn't discussed is the fact that yes she is part black, but she is also other ethnicities as well. I don't see her as JUST black nor do I see her as NOT black. She is just HER, just like most of us. The days of anyone being all of any one race or ethnicity are over (thank God!), and I don't think one should take preference over the other, nor do I think any one should be ignored over the others. We talk about how we ALL look different on the outside and all are the same on the inside and how wonderful and amazing that is.”
She proceeded to attack me, saying that “This child isn't biologically hers and NOR does she feel that its important for her to teach this biracial adopted child, a portion of her identity.” She continued on and on, the gist of it all of being (1) Defining Kennedy as simply my “adopted” child and not my child period and (2) that as a white woman (which she referred to several times) I basically had no business having an opinion about choosing to not focus on race in the house (as I see it, society will introduce race and gender and judgement enough as it is, she doesn’t need it at home too).
Which means that in the past five days, I’ve been told by a dear friend as well as complete stranger that my viewpoint, my opinion, my deep passions and feelings don’t matter because they don’t mesh with the other person’s.
In the case of my friend, that my viewpoint on late-term abortion (among a couple of other issues) should be put aside because, well, Trump. That nothing I think or feel or stand for matters because, well, Trump. The fact that several things the other candidate has done, said, or stand for are diametrically opposed to things I stand for are simply irrelevant and silly because (1) they aren’t this friend’s personal issues, and (2) well, Trump.
When I said I had two shitty options and as such had to vote on issues that are painfully important to me, the response was, well, sorry, you were still wrong.
Then today, same underlying message. I disagree and don’t see the world the way you do and you are wrong and you don’t get it because you are white, so therefore, you have no say and don’t get to have an opinion... even though we are talking about how I am raising MY DAUGHTER! Oh, but of course that doesn’t count with her because, well after all, she’s not even my biological child.
I don’t know if I want to crawl into the fetal position and cry, dive into a bag of chips and pint of ice cream, or stand on a mountain top and scream and curse and rail like a wild banshee, saying “fuck you” to everyone and anyone.
All I can think of is a video I saw shortly after the election by British actor Tom Walker. In it, he talks about why, in his opinion, Trump won. The bit he says that really stuck out this week is this:
“The left have now decided that any other opinion, any other way of looking at the world is unacceptable. We don’t debate anymore because the left won the cultural wars. So if you’re on the right, you’re a freak. You’re evil. You’re racist. You’re stupid. You are a basket of deplorables...”
“When asked people can’t admit what they think. They can’t admit what they think! They’re not allowed to! The left don’t allow them to! We have made people unable to articulate their position for fear of being shut down. They’re embarrassed to say it. Every time someone on the left has said, “You mustn’t say that,” they are contributing to this culture.”
And there it is... and I’m not even on the right! Nor am I on the left. My views are made on an issue by issue basis. Yet, increasingly, I am finding that I am apparently no longer entitled to have an opinion unless it falls in line with whatever some other person says it should be.
On one hand I want to over explain my view and why I have it, but as my “friend” showed me, that is pointless. I want to have this complete stranger understand and give me her approval, which is ridiculous.
Another part of me wants to shut down, close myself off, disengage from the world where I can be safe from judgment and criticism.
And yet another part wants the freedom to freak the fuck out on people with a scorched earth mentality.
Needless to say, none of these are great answers. The only answer I can find is to admit that I am deeply hurt. That it shakes me to the core and makes me feel like my opinions and points of view ARE worthless and wrong.
That I myself am worthless and wrong.
And while my head says, “Hell no, you aren’t,” my heart says, “are you sure? After all, that’s two unrelated people in five days telling you so.”
Instead, this woman who could-have-been-aborted by her 19-year-old mother will curl up beside her gorgeous multi-racial could-have-been-aborted daughter and hold her tight while the tears fall and remember that all is good in the world if you look often and hard enough for it.
And, yes, that includes me.
