#bittpersonal

[bittxbts]

My masculinity is Gentle

It is patient

It is playful

It is curious

It is knowledgeable

It is warm

It is of service

It is forever humble

I am masculine enough because I am in this body. My actions are masculine. My actions are feminine. Both make me Butch. I am Butch enough because I say I am. Others perception and expectation of my masculinity doesn't change who I am and how I move. Rules? What rules. I'm Black, Gay, Fat, Nonbinary and Masc presenting my existence knows no rules. fuck the rules!

[bittxbts]

Yo... I got a fucking haircut

Gender Affirming care... Unlocked

Yo...uh... My brother liked my fucking haircut

....I want to punch something

happy aggression achieved.

...Dope 😊😎

[bittxbts]

Being Nonbinary is so odd because I just feel like I dont fit. It could be me. However, I dont want to gaslight myself. I see studs and butches posting about femmes and other studs. Which is beautiful, but I resonate more with the stud/butch 4 stud/butch side of things even though my mannerisms are femme coded. (Which ugh because people make fucking assumptions based on my mannerisms like fuck you and your heteronormitivity. We gay act like it. Im tired of trying to fit into perfect boxes within the gay community.) My aesthetic is neither butch nor femme its more nerdy anxious teenage boy/girl who wears tight jeans and shows off cleavage sometimes but 90% of the time she dresses like somebodies dad. I want to roughouse and be called your boifriend or popop if you nasty 😉 and have he used as my pronoun... sometimes. Sometimes, I want to feel like a princess and babied, pulled to the inside of the sidewalk. I also want to do something similar for you and make you feel taken care of, protected but im not your femme and never will be. Im not your stud really either no matter how much I long to fill that roll. Its not who I am, im literally the grey area. Its odd being in this body and experiencing it, ive felt like this since I was little and just now mid 30s am foguring it out. Im not conventionally attractive and im not ugly but most studs/butches/mascs have an aesthetic in their minds of the type of person they want to be with and I will never be either of those things for everybody or fit in those boxes. I know what I want, but idk how to express it. I am anxious, need attention and reassurance, in my head alot but I can be brass and aggressive sometimes. I am very independent and enjoy taking the lead on mental tasks giving you emotional security and being someone you can lean on. I am fairly submissive but in a I also want to fuck the shit out of you and you call me Daddy. There is a longing there that convinces me if I fix parts of myself ill get a glimpse of what I want. I dont want a glimpse so that can drive off a cliff and die because Im not performing anymore. Im not going to pretend to fucking be femme for attention and im sure as hell not going to pretend to be butch/masc even though I wish I did fully fit one of these roles to make life easier. So im at an empass. I find that the white gay community is less ridged about this and more expressive, but where are my poc people, and why aren't they screaming from the rooftops about nonbinary and genderqueer baddies. Idk it's odd to me. I get that aesthetics are one thing and you can't judge a book by its cover buuut stereotyes are stereotypes and yall cant convince me majority of yall not falling into that fucking pattern. Meh im done for now just wanted to vent.

[bittxbts]

Today I walked out my door on my 8am walk with my dog and felt so good. I'm releasing a lot this year in the first few weeks alone. Don't get me wrong, this work as been happening for longer than this but it just felt so good for once.

It felt good to know I'm on my path and it's mine. I feel so free in this moment, I want the rest of my life to be like this.

My baby steps are setting me up for this feeling forever. It's not euphoria, but it's just self awareness in a way I never had before. Like I'm slowly fitting into my skin suit and it's pretty dope. I look at my face before I left and I just smiled, I miss the old me sometimes but this new me is handsome as fuck babeh!!!

[bittxbts]

Cis men will always prove the ideals I have surrounding them. I no longer date them or interact and they are still a threat. They will always be a perceived threat.

This is the second time I've been threatened by a man in regards to my dog. Not including the times I've been stared down by men for just walking by with my dog. Warranted crash outs? Maybe. It pisses me off too when people let their dogs do whatever and shit everywhere. Warranted threats to my life and well being? Never

These interactions are not including the countless times I have been threatened or harassed by just existing or attempting to protect someone.

One man threatened to pull a gun on me and kill my dog if he ever got loose and was around his house again? First ever time seeing this man or my dog ever getting loose and straying that far from home. (My dog never free roams, anytime he has been out around the neighborhood he ran and I'm promptly trying to get him back)

I walked away hyperventilating and stressed.

Second man threatened me with his dog that he apparently keeps in a basement. Saying "I have a dog I literally keep in the basement what if I would let him loose?" Then called me outside of my name and continued to threaten me periodically by going in and out of his home... as I was cleaning up the shit... Okay

The second interaction I walked away with a smile.

Men don't know how to express anger and properly channel it therefore they will always be a threat and justify their actions because of their anger. Well she should have.. and if she didn't ... And she denied me so .. and....

It's funny to me how men threaten you as a way to control. They do this to their children too if they speak to perceived women like this. Women who react aggressively are/have been 9x out of 10 influenced by men.... Because if you look at statistics it's rare for a woman to be combatant/a threat to your safety unless influenced by a man (in childhood or adulthood) , or mental illness.

I'm not justifying my actions or my dogs but things happen and sometimes you have to let them happen, learn from it and move on. Not threaten someone with physical harm to get a point across.

Men need help, I worry for gay men and straight/bisexual women honestly..

No my dog shouldn't have been shitting in your yard, sometimes he just squats. If I pull him he is shitting everywhere. I can't really control it. But we shall try harder.

No, my dog shouldnt have been free roaming around the neighborhood, his recall was and still is shit. That doesn't excuse the fact that I.. a person. Should not have been threatened with a gun multiple times.

I get it I need to have better control over my dog, I agree. Does that justify your actions?

[bittxbts]

"if your serious about art do this ... Do that... Don't do this..."

-.- 🛑

If you're serious about art make it

Draw daily, practice like the people you look up to

Fuck rules but learn fundamentals and wing it from there. Problem solve always and pick up skills as you need them.

Dude trying to be a carbon copy gets you nowhere. Yea you get a ton of skills but then what? Do you know who you are as an artist? Probably not because you're busy trying to be someone else.

Following rules and putting your head down works for a small few but it may not be yours or my path.

If it makes me happy I'm doing it, period. If I think this is a skill I want, I do it. If not, I don't. If I think it's going to move me forward then maybe. But other than that I'm tired of listening to all these voices tell me what I'm doing wrong and what not to do. It's sickening and not moving me any closer to my dreams. I'm on a fucking kiddie train inching forward and I'm getting the fuck off... You coming?

I'm serious about art in my own way and if it hinders me welp .. that's my journey. Because there will always be something I'm missing, something I won't quite grasp or someone who thinks I'm not quite ready. Who the fuck are you? Who are you to tell me I'm not ready? Who are you to tell me I'm not serious? Idc how long you've been in the industry, I respect your hustle but I'm sure you didn't listen to everyone who told you not to do this and that and you're just fine. So don't start trying to tell me anything.

[bittxbts]

As this year comes closer and closer to ending, I am realizing that I need to get the fuck out of this house. This house holds my trauma and I feel it wrapped around me. This house felt like a connection to my father, to happy times in my childhood but now as I'm unpacking surface level trauma and making space for the big shit I'm realizing this isn't my home anymore. It's tainted and bleeding and it's suffocating me. This home belonged to a different version of me and idk if they need to stay here or leave with me but I need out. This isn't my life, this isn't me anymore and in order for me to live for me I need to go be anywhere else but here. Ill take my father with me his urn is enough for him to follow me I hope and I'll take everyone else with me and hopefully they can be free too. No one should be trapped here with memories like this.

It's crazy how I woke up and just flashes of the trauma. I'm cussing myself out why the fuck can't I forget, why can't I let that go. It sucks to be so happy and then all of a sudden boom, I don't want to think about it. It's because it happened here. I can't even remember the room it was in that's how disconnected I was from reality. Yea I need to be gone, I'm tired of repressing things just to get by. I'm tired of not being able to fully settle in my environment. It's because it's NOT mine.