What Blaine Can and Can't Do
Author: Me!
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Words: 1 900+
Rated: PG (mostly for paranoia)
Summary: As the title says, because Blaine can’t handle the truth. AKA: What Blaine's thinking before everything crashes.
Spoilers/Warnings: Spoilers up to s03x17 and the only warning is A N G S T
A/N: Basically, I HAVE TOO MANY FEELS OVER DWS EPISODE. (Hormones aside though, it was actually pretty good. Also, I apologize for the crap summary. Merp /o\) Bonus note: I posted this last night, but I forgot to link it to tumblr - ah well.
Disclaimer: I WOULDN’T BE CRYING OVER MY OTP RIGHT NOW IF I OWNED GLEE. *points at things so you understand that I’m being very intense and serious*
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"– can't believe it's already so close! What happens if they love me? But what happens if they hate me? And what if –"
Blaine smiles and nods politely, though truth be told he had tuned Kurt out once the conversation started veering towards NYADA. Again. He doesn't even know how it happens anymore. One minute he's having a delightful and flirty conversation with his boyfriend, and the next he's feeling an unnervingly familiar hollowness inside of him because Kurt starts talking about New York.
Kurt still continues to speak excitedly about his NYADA audition, throwing in many what ifs on the side if he actually gets accepted, and Blaine feels complete pride for him. He still really does. He's so proud of Kurt and he's so happy for his boyfriend. He really, really is.
But now, with his stomach twisting and heart clenching, Blaine's starting to recognize that the empty feeling inside him, the one that keeps coming when Kurt talks about New York, as loneliness.
It surprises him at first (though luckily Kurt's too lost in his own fantasies over New York to notice Blaine's expression), realizing that he's feeling lonely when Kurt begins talking about the future, and it takes him a while to realize why.
With all this talk about New York and NYADA and the future and oh my gosh do you know how hard it will be to land an apartment in the city – much less with Rachel Berry, it slowly dawns on Blaine that all of this is actually happening. Kurt's future is coming and he's going to say goodbye to Ohio and hello to NYC.
Because Blaine will be stuck in this damn state for one more year.
And so much can happen in one year.
It eventually gets to the point where Blaine purposely draws back from Kurt. And it goes on like this for exactly 14 days, and counting.
(Blaine knows because he counts. He counts every morning he wakes up remembering he has an amazing boyfriend. Although, now he's also keeping a tally of every time he remembers he's trying his damn hardest to avoid that same amazing boyfriend.)
It's a hard task, avoiding his boyfriend, because it's Kurt, and everything is scheduled into lists and sub-lists and they talk about damn near everything. They're so attuned to each other that by now Blaine could probably tell you Kurt's schedule backwards. He's never minded before, but now it's just getting overbearing in a way that is farthest from clingy and over attached.
If anything he wants to be the opposite of that, because Blaine knows clinging would only make things worse, make his fears all the more real.
And the reality is this: he needs to get used to being alone and without Kurt and without one of the people that's made him happier than ever.
Blaine finds it hard to text Kurt now, all because he knows that's all he'll be able to do the next year. He finds it even harder to stare at his gorgeous boyfriend because he knows if he does he's going to try and memorize every bit of him and save him up for the upcoming year alone.
He doesn't want that though.
He doesn't want to just text and Skype and email and message each other because they're apart for one year.
He doesn't want to have to save up memories and look them over with a lonely heart because his boyfriend's having the time of his life without him.
He doesn't want to be reminded that Kurt can only stay for so long now.
Blaine doesn't want to know any of that.
Originally, Blaine theorized that perhaps beginning to live a life without Kurt would be helpful and easier for him in the long run.
He forgot to factor in how much it would hurt now.
At day 23 of plan Avoid Kurt, Blaine begins to hide the adorable stuffed animal he was given. The Margaret Thatcher Dog he was given now temporarily resides in a dark corner of his room he tries not to think about often.
The reason why it's there is because it all too soon dawned on Blaine he's going to be snuggling that damn dog instead of his boyfriend once Kurt's in New York.
He pretends otherwise, and places the Margaret Thatcher Dog in his dresser in the far back corner for when the time comes that he needs to be pretending he's holding Kurt.
Besides, Blaine's learned it does wonders to hide every sentimental object he's been given by Kurt. Now there's less reminders of what he will miss next year.
By Day 29, Blaine notices that Kurt begins to withdraw from him. They text less, kiss less, have silence fill their conversations a bit more. It's just all so much less and Blaine wonders how long this had been going on. Was he so lost in his own insecurities that this just slipped past him?
There's a brief moment of surprise when he realizes it too, but after the initial shock Blaine begins to realize that it should have been expected. It only made sense. Once Blaine started turning in on himself, Kurt probably would do the same as well.
What he doesn't expect is how it breaks his heart.
Is this how they're going to be like once Kurt's miles and miles away? Are they just going to start floating away from each other?
That night was the first time Blaine cried himself to sleep over the possibility.
Kurt's grabbing a cheese platter for them when his phone rings. Blaine stares at it, hard, because no one usually texts them when they're together unless it's an emergency of sorts.
When Kurt's phone rings again – and again, and again – Blaine's curiousity gets the best of him. He takes the phone and checks who would want to be texting Kurt right now.
His heart drops when he doesn't recognize the name.
No, no. This can't be happening. He can't – I –
Blaine's fingers shake violently as he unlocks Kurt's phone. When he reads the actual texts, he almost drops the device. Instead his hand falls to his lap, his face he's sure is showing exactly what he feels inside.
Shock, hurt, betrayal. And that's just the beginning of it.
There are dozens among dozens of texts between Kurt and this Chandler person. If memory serves Blaine correctly, Kurt's only texted Blaine four times in the last two days compared to this. The texts are insanely flirty and sickeningly sweet and no. This is Kurt, this is Blaine's boyfriend. He shouldn't be sending texts to guys Blaine doesn't know. He shouldn't be sending messages that make this mysterious Chandler and Kurt sound like they're more of a couple than Blaine and Kurt ever were.
But he is, and Blaine's left with one conclusion:
Kurt likes this guy. Kurt's cheating on him with this guy.
Blaine wipes the tears from his eyes hastily.
So this is what happens when you avoid your boyfriend for thirty days. You leave your boyfriend no choice but to cheat on you with someone you have no clue of.
When Kurt's back inside the room, they have a horrible, horrible argument. It's the first time in a month Blaine's kept up a conversation this long with Kurt actually. Though, that doesn't mean it's not beyond heartbreaking for Blaine. Being told that he's just not being good enough for Kurt anymore from Kurt himself makes Blaine feel like a horrible, horrible person – and even more so as a boyfriend. He's never felt more disappointment in himself, or more heartache in his life. The rush and the words that go back and forth between him and Kurt break Blaine's heart even though he can barely hear them over the rush of anger.
Blaine leaves the room in tears that he makes sure Kurt doesn't see.
When Blaine gets home that night, he sobs himself to sleep.
He's been pushing so hard to avoid that Kurt is leaving next year that he ended up pushing his boyfriend into another man's arms. He regrets his actions, so many stupid things that he thought he was doing for self-preservation. But instead it's all led up to driving him and Kurt apart.
Blaine doesn't want that. He doesn't want any of that.
Kurt is the love of Blaine's life. And Blaine wants nothing more than to love Kurt for as long as Kurt will have him – forever, if he had it his way. Kurt's one of the greatest things to ever happen to him. Blaine doesn't know what he'd do if Kurt didn't want him anymore, couldn't handle being with him anymore.
And, alright, maybe it wasn't cheating. Maybe Blaine's being irrational and unnecessarily angry. If this is anything like what Blaine had with Sebastian (which was and still is nothing), then maybe Kurt has a point.
But how can he justify that when Kurt is running off to another man for needs Blaine apparently can't fulfill?
There are just so many open ended, unanswered questions now.
Blaine doesn't want to know the answers, terrified of even completing the questions at all.
Because what if it all just points to Kurt leaving him in the end?
He can't handle the thought of it.
Blaine completes his assignment for glee. Kurt completes his assignment for glee.
It doesn't make Blaine's heart ache less. His anger might have dissipated some, but his loneliness multiplied by the dozen.
Blaine finally snaps once they're in couple's counselling inside Ms. Pillsburry's office. He's angry and yelling and everything just pours out of his mouth before his brain can filter his thoughts the way it did the past month.
When he says it out loud, it just breaks his heart all over again. He just can't handle the truth. He doesn't want any of it true.
He starts to break down in the middle of Ms. Pillsburry's office, right then and there. He almost doesn't have it in him anymore to even look Kurt in the eye.
He feels so pathetic, so beaten down. It feels like he's finally admitting defeat.
If anything though, Blaine doesn't want to give up. He wants to fight. He's willing to fight for Kurt, for them. He's willing to fight for a future that featured them together, damn the distance and loneliness.
He's just terrified that Kurt doesn't want the same thing.
However, when Kurt begins to reassure him that they'll be okay, they'll work around the distance, that he's willing to fight for them too, Blaine can't help the tears that well up in his eyes. He'd always assume that Kurt no longer wanted him, that he was forgettable and undesirable and not good enough like he'd been telling himself for the past month. Hearing that he's never going to have to learn how to be alone, that he's never going to lose Kurt, it makes Blaine feel everything beyond what embodies the word happiness.
When he and Kurt hug, an I love you exchanged between them, the weight that's been dragging him down is lifted. Blaine doesn't want to let go, and truth be told he'd kiss Kurt with everything he's got if Ms. Pillsburry wasn't in the room.
To be perfectly honest, Blaine still isn't sure about the future.
But Kurt's there, and Kurt loves him, and that's more than enough for Blaine.
