Keep in mind I am pretty biased towards the big swords, but uhh
Number 5: the Zweihander
I know this one has a pretty fearsome reputation, and is definitely an Ol' Reliable for the Ultra Greatsword class, but it's always felt a little underwhelming to me in the damage department, tbh
It is still really good though, as well as really pretty, hence why it's here lol (narrowly beating out the Puzzling Stone Sword from DS2 by virtue of actually being in all the games lol)
Number 4: the Black Knight Greatsword
And this bad boy is, I think, why the Zweihander often feels underwhelming to me. Granted you gotta get lucky with the drop rates to get it but this bad boy dropped for me in Undead Burg and really carried my first ds1 playthrough with ease lol
Plus it's also in all the games and is similarly good in all of them, lotta the time it generally feels like just a better Zweihander as long as you can time its weird R2 attack lol
Plus I just think it's pretty! The blade shape has a bit of a like, early 2000s Kit Rae charm to it, for me
Number 3: Lothric Knight Greatsword
The fact that this one is in my top three despite only being in one game should be a testament to how crazy good it is
It's genuinely a fantastic sword, this thing rules! Damage is great, range is fantastic, it's pretty but doesnt feel like Too Much, the in-built lightning damage is never not useful, just a 10/10 sword, I love this thing
2: The Claymore
My bestie, my beloved, my favourite special little guy who's always found really early in the games who'll never let you down on your journey
It may be in a smaller class than the others on this list since its only a greatsword and not an ultra-greatsword, but it's versatile, strong, its damage is good, and I absolutely swear by that thrust R2. That shit's crazy good if you know how to use it. Control space. Stab people. Leo Ring is good if you really wanna commit to it. Works well for strength builds, quality builds, some status builds depending on the game, and probably dex builds too? I haven't checked
It's perhaps the truest Ol' Reliable in the series for me and I know a good few others, and I will say if this were only Elden Ring weapons it would be top spot bc idk the model for the ER Claymore hits so right for me, and combining it with Carian Grandeur/Sovereignty turns it into an absolute weapon of mass devastation
My biggest fuck yeah ever, I love this sword so much
(Plus! I love the shape of that guard! The upturned quillons just make it a little less cruciform and the less cross-shaped imagery I can have on my character, the better tbh)
Number 1: The Moonlight Greatsword
I'm just a sucker for a legacy weapon tbh, it's just a cool thing and I like that Fromsoft keeps putting it in their games tbh
Plus I think it's cool!
It's
A: Big sword
B: Affiliated with the moon
C: got a cool projectile attack
And
D: Pretty
Just a cool magic sword, plus I can only assume it'd have a delicious berry flavor if you tried to eat it, 10/10 from me 👍
It baffles my mind that in his fortnite video he asked for surveyors' genders and then didnt even bother to count real non binary and GNC answers in his percentages after? Like why even ask if you're going to throw those answers out. It's almost as if (feigns shock) it was just a gateway for him to shoehorn in the attack helicopter joke again.
Exactly. If he didn’t want people to write anything in the survey result, im pretty sure that there are options to insert pre-written answers that the person taking the survey can select.
If you’re going to legitimately include genders outside of the binary in your results, 1) actually do it and 2) dont throw out all answers that aren’t “man” or “woman” because some people decided to be dumb while taking the survey. This is really not a good way to get good results. He would have gotten more accurate results if he only left people the choice between multiple answers to choose from.
But then again, there wouldn’t be any fumny joaks to make had he not let people write whatever the fuck they want in the survey 😔
[warnin for toki backstory typical content and also highschool au]
“Looks, fireflies,” Skwisgaar pointed out that warm summer evening.
Added the phrase to a pile of useless, idle chatter he’d blurted out that night to try to squeeze a word out of Toki. All fruitless attempts, of course.
The little pinpoints of highlighter green blinked into life around them every so often like miniature stars in the surrounding dark. It'd be easier to see them further from the sidewalk and the streetlights, but according to someone’s fear of the dark, the two of them were limited to wandering between the three or four streetlights in the area. Just one more thing for Toki to be weird and stupid about.
He had a lot of those, too- characteristics that roused a strange protective instinct in Skwisgaar, one that he took great efforts to ignore, but that still had him staring in detached frustration whenever Toki got like this.
Why wouldn't he just talk? Or just- go back to normal, or something other than stand there dumb and mute.
“Oh,” Toki sighed, the sound wheezing out of him like a dead chewtoy. The firefly flared alive again just inches from the blunt tip of his nose, lighting up his cheeks. For that second, normalcy washed over Skwisgaar in a wave of relief. But the light in Toki’s eyes faded out with the firefly. Everything slipped back into the dark save for a single amber streetlamp. They kept walking, Skwisgaar’s hands in his pockets, Toki’s dangling limp at his sides.
“Where does you wants to go?” Skwisgaar asked. The intersection between the backwoods cul-de-sac Toki lived in and the main road sprawled in front of them, black and empty. “Unless you want to hitchhikes, we don't gots a lot of options.”
From beside Toki looked up at him, pale eyes casting an eerily wide and hopeful look in the dim. A chill crawled up Skwisgaar’s back.
“Jesus, Toki,” he gaped. “That was a jokes.”
The look disappeared- Toki's head tilted as he turned back to the street, obscuring his face under the curtain of his bob. His shoulder clenched up when Skwisgaar touched it, though his hand was quick to recoil.
“My car ams down the street,” he offered up before Toki could go dashing into the road. “We can goes there if you wants.”
Toki nodded and so they set out that way, the boy following behind him like a second shadow. The hair on the back of Skwisgaar’s neck crawled. Maybe he shouldn't have answered that text--
wants to com ovr?
--but how could he have known this was how Toki was going to be?
Sure I guess. 2 lonely without me around? lols
ok cool cya
...Okay, maybe there had been some indication. But still. Toki was a wildcard, there was no telling what his weird attitude could've meant. There was still no telling. Not his fault.
His little silver car sat on the side of the street next to the lamp, a shiny beacon of familiarity. Maybe they could go for milkshakes. That would be sure to cheer Toki up, and once he was fixed--
Skwisgaar’s thoughts halted while Toki pried open the passenger door of the car. Out here in the light, his dingy white shirt almost glowed. And so did the dark slash of a stain that ran down the back, diagonal from his shoulder and down to the opposite armpit. What the fuck? He planted his hand on the top edge of the door and cleared his throat.
“What the hell ams you trying to gets in mine car with on your shirts?”
“Huh?” Toki squeaked, frozen against the car interior, not daring to look back at him. Typical.
“That, right theres!” He scowled, motioning to the dark brownish smudge. “What the fucks is you doing, rollings around in dirt? Makings mud pies?” Now that he was closer, more stains revealed themselves- the same kind of wrinkled, linear type.
He reached and swiped the stain with his fingers, smearing maroon against his knuckles. Still wet- still. Red?
Nothing moved as he stared at his fingers, save for Toki’s quiet whimpering. The air froze in his lungs for a split second.
“Get ins the car,” Skwisgaar uttered. He slipped over to his side to his own seat, twisted the wheel beneath his clenched hands, and steered them out into the night.
Paint dashes on the road flew past like a hundred unfinished thoughts. What the fuck. Sure, Toki’s parents were old and fucking weird, but. How- what the hell, how was he supposed to deal with this? How could anybody?
They lurched down the hill in silence. Out here, only his headlights illuminated anything, trees to both sides of the road and darkness in front of them. Without thinking on it, his car sped down the route to Nathan and Pickles’s apartment. It turned past the high school, abandoned at this hour and time of year, and the tiny farm at the corner with the cows Toki liked to make eyes at on the schoolbus.
Two more points of light lit up at the edge of the road, green like the fireflies. Toki screamed in his ear.
“Skwisgaar--!”
The brakes screeched out, slamming Toki into the dashboard and him into the wheel while the unused seatbelts rattled- irony not lost -and a dark, scuttling shape scampered out of his headlights and into the bushes.
“Shit!” He wheezed. Next to him, Toki laughed, hooting awfully, and kept on as his voice cracked and his back shook with each wet, throaty wheeze and sob and oh god when did he start crying.Heart slamming in his rib cage, Skwisgaar edged the car over to the side of the road where the cornfield stood and collapsed back in his seat once it was in park.
Warbling and hiccuping, the crying kept on from the passenger seat. Fuck, he groaned, rolling his head over to look. As Toki wiped the snot off his face their eyes caught together, and Skwisgaar, for loss of words and consuming exhaustion, stretched out his arms. Like they shared a brain, Toki crawled over the console and flopped into a pile of limbs in his lap like a dropped marionette.
Skwisgaar gathered Toki’s arms up in his, fingertips grazing the edge of his shirt and oh shit, that was still there wasn’t it. Instead he kept his distance from his back and cupped the back of Toki’s greasy hair in his hands. Held there and tucked wetly into the crook of Skwisgaar’s neck, the spasming in Toki’s shoulders slowly died out.
“Thanks for comings to get me,” he sighed eventually.
“Anytimes,” Skwisgaar breathed back, forehead pressed down into the side of Toki’s skull. Okay. This was okay. Maybe even okay enough to come up with a plan.
“How does you feel, ah…” He thought out loud, thumbing through a few oily strands of hair. “About goesing on a littles vacation? I knows a place, the owners ams real dildos, and the housekeepings is garbage, but, eeeeh.”
A chuckle tickled the side of his neck, lighting up a few nerves to places that ehhhhhhhhh could be thought about later. Or never, actually.
But more importantly, it made him smile. And Toki too, judging by the way his mouth breathed open on his collar.
I want to be a funeral home director! Or something like thatanyway. I’ve been getting into the green death movement lately and I think it’sreally interesting. So I still have a lot to learn! But I like that too.
28. A description of the person I dislike most.
She’s a fucking idiot drama mongering brat and she quit onesubway to work at another that’s farther away from her house with a terribleowner at less pay so that’s her fucking bad, go rot.
36. Where I would like to live.
Ideally, in a valley like the one I’m living in right nowbut the area’s toxic for me so. If I ever find a little mountain valley townthat’s nice to queers I’ll be in business haha.
I want one of those little cottage style houses though.Wouldn’t mind living alone or with a friend or two. : >)
