Kolivan/Hunk, a mission goes terribly wrong and Kolivan got back terribly wounded, on the verge of death, and acting like it's nothing because he'll die for the mission if necessary. Cue Hunk getting sad, terrified and above all else, incredibly angry that Kolivan is ready to throw his life away.
[i’m sorry this took so long… also, not exactly what you asked for, but i hope you still enjoy^^] [i played around with the style of this, so hopefully it turned out ok! italics mean it’s taking place in the past]
tag warnings: character death, character going through stages of grief, not a happy ending
“Grief is the price we pay for love.” - Queen Elizabeth II
~
Hunk had thought he understood. They were fighting a war, and they had all brushed death more times than he was ever going to be comfortable with. There had been times when he’d though one or all of them were dead or going to die, and times when their allies hadn’t made it.
So, he’d thought he’d understood how it would feel. That he was prepared.
He didn’t. He wasn’t.
~
Hunk’s eyes fluttered open when strong arms wrapped around his stomach, pulling him back against a broad, warm chest.
Kolivan nuzzled at the back of his neck, leaving butterfly kisses as he made his way across Hunk’s shoulders. Hunk hummed in contentment, letting his eyes fall closed again.
“Good morning, a’sayar,” Kolivan rumbled in Hunk’s ear, his voice still rough from sleep.
“Mm, mornin’,” Hunk said, unable to keep the smile off his face.
A’sayar. A bond stronger than blood. Lover, friend, brother in arms. Hope, faith, loyalty.
How one word could mean so much baffled Hunk, and how Kolivan used it to refer to him humbled him beyond words.
“A’sayar,” Hunk tried, voice softer than a whisper.
Kolivan’s arms tightened around him, breath hitching against the back of Hunk’s neck.
“…Kolivan?” Hunk asked, starting to wonder if he maybe wasn’t supposed to say that word. He’d never asked… Was he being culturally insensitive? Had he just accidentally insulted him?
Before his anxiety could climb too high, Kolivan moved Hunk onto his back and climbed on top of him, holding himself up with his hands on either side of Hunk’s head. The look on his face took Hunk’s breath away.
“Say it again,” Kolivan said, voice filled with awe and need.
“A’sayar,” Hunk whispered, voice just as quiet as before.
Kolivan shuddered above him and closed his eyes, as though he couldn’t handle looking at Hunk while hearing that word slip past his lips.
“A’sayar,” Hunk said again, trying to push all of his emotions into the word as though to prove its meaning.
Kolivan fell forward onto his elbows and rested his forehead against Hunk’s. Their breaths mixed between them, and Hunk realized that they were both breathing harder.
“Again,” Kolivan whispered, the word brushing against Hunk’s lips like a kiss.
“A’sayar.”
They both leaned in, their lips coming together in the scarce distance between them. Hunk wrapped his arms around Kolivan, pulling him even closer as they lost themselves in the all-encompassing feel of each other.
It was a while yet before either of them got out of bed. Neither of them minded.
~
He kept waiting for something to happen. After the initial shock, he’d thought he’d fall apart. That he’d rage or scream or sob or something.
But there was nothing. He felt nothing. And that made him angry, because he was supposed to feel something, wasn’t he? What the hell was wrong with him? Kolivan was… he was… and he felt nothing?
How fucked in the head was he that he couldn’t even muster up a few tears?
“You’re processing,” Keith said, and when the hell did he come in?
“What?” Hunk asked, and he was confused by how raspy his voice was, like he’d been screaming instead of sitting alone in silence.
“When my dad died,” Keith said, sitting next to Hunk and not meeting his eye. “It took a while for it to really sink in. It was like my head went blank, and it made me feel awful because it was my dad, you know? I should have felt something.”
Keith took a deep breath before continuing.
“But I was just processing, you know? The rest of it just came later…”
Keith sighed.
“Look, just… I’m here. If you need someone.”
Hunk nodded and felt sick to his stomach when he couldn’t even muster up any feelings of gratitude or empathy.
Processing, huh? Fuck.
~
“You’ll be careful?” Hunk asked.
He’d stopped feeling foolish for asking that when Kolivan came back from a mission with a hole in his chest. They were at war, both constantly risking their lives, so what was a little empty reassurance if it eased his aching heart?
Kolivan turned from where he’d been adjusting his sword sheath. He stepped closer to Hunk, lifting one large hand up to caress Hunk’s cheek while the other held him by the waist. Kolivan leaned in, his breath dancing over Hunk’s cheek as he whispered in his ear.
“Always.”
~
Hunk was trying to distract himself. He knew he was, which annoyed him, but he also didn’t want to stop distracting himself, because stopping meant thinking about it, and Hunk really really didn’t want to think about it, because he was constantly thinking about it and it was driving him insane and-
The metal in Hunk’s hands was bent beyond recognition, twisted and biting into his skin. Anger flared in his chest and he threw the metal across the room with a yell. It hit the wall and clattered to the floor.
Hunk placed his hands on the table in front of him and leaned against it, breathing heavily, He was so angry, god, he was so fucking angry. His hands were shacking, and his heart was beating too fast, and he couldn’t string a coherent thought together.
“Hunk?”
Allura’s soft voice floated towards him, and for whatever reason, it pissed Hunk off even more. He whirled around to face her, hands fisted and face twisted in anger.
“What?” Hunk yelled, voice harsh and brittle.
Allura jerked at his tone, but she didn’t back away. Her eyes narrowed and her lips thinned. She tilted her chin up, as though to ask Hunk ‘are you sure that’s how you want this to go?’
But she didn’t say a word, only looked at Hunk with eyes that were unwavering, yet kind.
All of the anger rushed out of Hunk as quickly as it came, and he slumped back against the table. He wiped a shacking hand down his face, suddenly exhausted. He glanced back up at Allura before looking back down at his hands.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, not able to muster up much more of an apology.
He heard Allura walk toward him, the heels from her suit clicking against the metal floors. She leaned against the table next to Hunk, and didn’t say a word.
Hunk slowly got his breathing back under control, but still Allura sat quietly by his side. He knew why she was here. He wished he didn’t.
Slowly, so as to advertise her movements to him, Allura reached out and took Hunk’s hand in her’s, squeezing it gently.
“It’s time, Hunk.”
That small, vile, angry part of Hunk wanted to hate her. Wanted to yell and scream and rage and blame it all on her because she was there and he could.
Hunk squeezed Allura’s hand back.
“Yeah.”
He didn’t hate Allura. Not even a little.
~
“We need some help down here, guys!” Hunk yelled into his comm.
Hunk and Allura were on the ground, taking care of the heavy artillery weapons there, while Shiro, Lance, and Pidge were taking on the ships off planet. Currently, Allura was taking heavy fire, trying to keep the gun’s attention off of Hunk while he held up the collapsing cave that held the local’s ships.
“We’ve got our hands full up here!” Pidge yelled.
“Just hold on a little longer,” Shiro said, voice still calm but obviously strained.
Hunk watched as the Blue Lion only just dodged a direct hit and grit his teeth. Yellow was straining under the weight, and Hunk wondered briefly if he’d survive the thing collapsing on top of him.
Suddenly, Hunk started taking heavy fire. He grunted, looking up to try and find the source. There was a large, tank-like vehicle heading his way. He flinched when it fired on him again, and he could feel Yellow start to buckle under the strain.
“Guys!” Hunk managed to yell before they were firing on him again.
Just as quickly as it started, though, it stopped. Another ship began firing at the tank, causing the tank to malfunction and explode.
“I’ve got you, big guy,” Keith said.
Hunk sighed in relief, too busy holding up the collapsing ceiling to notice the slight hitch in Keith’s voice, or the fact that his voice was the only one that spoke.
~
It was nice. At least, as nice as a funeral could be.
A lot of people came to pay their respects. Blade members. Rebels. Diplomats from Resistance planets. Even some regular people, from what Hunk could tell.
It was all a bit shocking, if Hunk was honest. Sure, Kolivan had helped a lot of people, saved thousands of lives as the leader of the Blade, but it was rare that anyone acknowledged him for it. Even rarer that they showed any sort of gratitude for all he’d done. For all he’d sacrificed.
Hunk wanted to be bitter. To think that it was all too little, too late. That they’d brushed him aside or even scorned Kolivan for his blood while he was alive, but showed up at his funeral and acted like they actually gave a damn.
Hunk wanted to be bitter, but he didn’t have it in him.
Allura held his hand through most of the service, only letting go when she got up to speak. A Blade member had asked Hunk several days before if he wanted to say a few words in remembrance. Hunk had declined. He didn’t have anything to say to any of these people.
When Allura finished speaking, she made her way back to Hunk and silently took his hand again, giving it a squeeze.
The funeral ended without much fanfare. There wasn’t much more they could do than speak when there wasn’t even a body to bury.
A Blade member Hunk didn’t recognize approached him afterwards, a sheathed blade in his hand. He stopped in front of Hunk and presented the blade to him.
“It is tradition that a fallen Galra’s blade go to their closest living family,” the Galra said, voice somber and even. “You were closest to Kolivan, so the blade belongs to you.”
Hunk took the blade with numb fingers. Strangely, the only thought that seemed to be able to form in his mind in that moment was that he didn’t know how to fight with a blade.
That night, Hunk knocked on Lance’s door. Lance let him in without a word, and silently held him as his body was wrecked with sobs. He didn’t say anything, even when Hunk didn’t stopped crying for hours.
Lance seemed to understand that there were no words.
~
Hunk was still coming down from the high of victory. He grinned as Lance and Pidge animatedly explained how their fight had gone off planet. Allura laughing whenever Lance imitated an explosion, making him imitate more explosions than likely happened.
Hunk was still grinning when he looked up and saw the Blade’s ship coming in for a landing. Still riding his buzz, Hunk jogged closer to the ship, excited to thank Keith for saving his butt and to greet Kolivan.
He had a few ideas for what he wanted to do tonight to celebrate, and he loved teasing Kolivan when he couldn’t do anything about it.
He came to a stop a little ways away and waited for the door to lower. Shiro came to a stop next to him a few seconds later, clapping Hunk on the shoulder.
“Good work out there,” he said with a smile. A rare sight these days.
Before either of them could continue, the ship’s door began to lower. Hunk moved forward in expectation, but came to a sudden stop when he saw what was on the other side.
“Keith!” Shiro yelled.
He ran past where Hunk was rooted to the spot, reaching Keith in seconds and wrapping his arm around him.
Hunk snapped himself out of whatever trance he’d entered and hurried to Keith’s side. There was a gash in his side and blood was oozing from a wound on his head. Hunk reached out and pressed his hand to Keith’s side, putting pressure on the wound.
“What happened?” Hunk asked while Shiro yelled for Allura and Coran.
“Ambush,” Keith grunted between pained breaths. He looked like he was about to pass out.
“Where’s Kolivan?” Hunk asked.
Keith reached out, his hand clumsily finding Hunk’s where it was pressed to his side.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice breaking, face twisting in something other than pain.
Hunk stopped breathing, everything suddenly coming to a stand still.
“What?” he whispered.
“I’m so sorry...” Keith said before passing out.
Distantly, Hunk heard Shiro yelling Keith’s name beside him. He was only vaguely aware of hands pulling him away; Shiro lifting Keith into his arms and rushing away with Allura and Coran; Lance talking to him, eyes filled with concern.
Sorry? Why would he be sorry?
~
The next morning, Hunk woke with a headache. His face felt crusty, and his nose was stuffed up. He felt so awful that it took him a moment to realize that there were arms around him. Before the more awake part of his brain could process this information, Hunk’s heart started racing and his eyes flew open.
Lance’s sleeping face laid next to his on the pillow, his arm thrown over Hunk’s side. The wave of grief that crashed into him was almost unbearable. For a moment, he thought he’d drown in it, but as one tic turned into two, the pain slowly ebbed away, turning back into the constant--but more bearable--ache in his chest.
By the time he was able to concentrate on what was happening around him again, Lance had woken up. He looked at Hunk for a moment before he finally broke the silence.
“How you feelin’, buddy?”
Hunk grunted, which made Lance laugh, though there wasn’t much humor in it.
“Yeah, buddy, I can understand that,” he said, before quieting down again.
Several tics passed and Hunk began to wonder if Lance was broken. It wasn’t like him to stay quiet for so long. Hunk didn’t want to break the silence, though, so he just laid there and waited for Lance to... well, be Lance.
“You’re gonna have to talk again, eventually, you know,” Lance said.
Hunk shot him a dirty look before turning his face to stare up at the ceiling.
“I’m not gonna push you or anything, I’m just saying,” Lance said, holding his hand up in defense.
“Just...” Lance sighed. “Look, man, I’m not... I mean... I don’t really understand what you’re going through, right now.”
Hunk turned his head to look at his best friend.
“But I do know that this isn’t something I can just... talk at and make it better,” Lance continued. “When my aunt had a miscarriage, my mom told me that the only thing you can really tell a grieving person is that you’re there for them.”
Lance looked up at Hunk and reached out, taking Hunk’s hand in his own.
“So... I’m here for you, Hunk. Whenever you’re ready to talk.”
There was a massive, swirling mass of emotion in Hunk’s chest, bursting to come out. Most of the feelings he couldn’t even identify, but they still clogged his throat, making it even more difficult to speak.
Hunk nodded, instead.
When he was ready... He wondered how long that would be.
~
“There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.” - Henry Longfellow
find her on tumblr (@blacklionshiro) or twitter (@polydinshiro)! you can also support her work on patreon (@fonbella)!
Any special routine or things that you do when you're creating? Listening to music for sure. I use Spotify, hit shuffle and let it work. Whenever I'm painting I don't really do anything else. I tune out from the world, sometimes forgetting to eat or go to the bathroom until it's impossible to ignore it anymore haha
If you were to actually meet Allura in person, what would you tell her? I would probably ask to hug her and then die on the spot. I'm very eloquent 😂
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Some time ago I switched my key charms and these greatly represent the two major things in my life~ ;D Palletshipping and Lance from Voltron, now my heart is always in my pocket<333 I’m gonna take them off at some point tho, I don’t want too much scratches on them...
(Also because that Lance charm was a gift given by Bella, that means she’s here too<333 So three things!<3 ILY BTW!! *u*)
