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Friendship Problems

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Hi. How do I distance myself from a clingy friend? To start off, I’ve always been sort of a loner. I do enjoy solitude most of the time but I’d be lying if I say I don’t feel upset when I’m the one no one partners up with. Ever since I was young, I’d daydream about a ‘dream best friend’ like the ones you see on TV, hanging out, trading secrets but most importantly, that special bond they have. And you know how it is with school, I started feeling embarrassed that I always had no partner for class activities and projects, and started feeling frustrated at myself for not being able to make friends easily.

Now here comes the part where I become a prick. For some reason, I decided that I could just go and turn someone into my best friend. There was a girl, A, who didn’t seem to have a best friend as well. We sit at the same lunch table, so it wasn’t hard to talk to A. Instead of leaving right after I was done with lunch, I’d stay to wait for her and initiate conversation. I gave my undivided attention, smiled interestedly, and asked questions to get to know her. Basically, I was inviting her to be an exclusive best friend, something I knew she wanted as well (and later I’d find out much more than me). Looking back, I felt like what I did was manipulative and it’s something I’m not proud of and regret terribly. I’m telling you this because I believe what I did here led to many miscommunications between me and A. For a while, I was actually genuinely happy, I thought 'A and I have a lot in common! Maybe she’s The Best Friend.’ I thought we clicked. Our friendship was great.

I don’t know when it started going downhill, probably when I felt that she was expecting more from our friendship. I’ve thought about this a lot (this problem has been happening for a year), and I realize that A must have been fantasizing about her Dream Best Friend too and maybe we had too different expectations of each other. Somewhere after becoming her friend, I realized that I was happy with our then friendship which was already kind of exclusive and began to go back to my own routine, which was just getting to enjoy some alone time. But she wanted our friendship to be known more in class, by showing people that we were a duo I think. I’d arrive in the morning and she’d immediately come over to talk to me. It’d be fine if she didn’t do it everyday and in between classes when I obviously look like I don’t want to be disturbed, doing work or reading. Sometimes she won’t even say anything, just stand beside my table and say hi then stare at me (but I think she just wanted to talk but couldn’t think of anything). I now had a partner for everything, but it also meant that it could only be her. Sometimes I really wanted to partner with my other friends but A would always ask me to be hers before I could. Once I did partner up with another friend. A came and I told her I had a partner already. Can’t rmb what exactly happened, but I think she pretended not to hear and my friend partnered up with someone else in the end because A started to do the partner activities with me even though she wasn’t my partner. Then she wanted us to sit at a different lunch table away from our other friends. For everything - partner activities, projects, free periods, she will always come to me. While that shows loyalty, I started feeling really drained of energy and suffocated around her. I wanted my alone time back, I wanted to spend time with my other friends, but she was everywhere. It came to the point where I started to avoid her.

My sister said the reason for her possessive behavior was because she was insecure about our friendship. I believe she’s right. I’ve been withdrawing and trying to drop hints that I am not her Best Friend. I have never once said that we were best friends, in fact I told her that she was only my good friend when she asked if she was my best friend. She said they we matched so well because I was quiet and she was loud. Then she implied that she was my first friend ever and saved my social life as I had no friends before her. She expressed disbelief when I said that I had friends before her and she asked for their names (i think to check if I was lying). I felt really insulted. And also I don’t get it. She must be getting the hints! Once I thought I saw coldness in her eyes when I started to leave lunch without her (to show that I am not obligated to wait for her) and I literally got chills. She’s not dumb. I know she’s at least got a feeling because when I started withdrawing she kept asking if I was mad at her and giving me side glances. I’m just frustrated that she’s choosing to ignore it.

I guess I realized that I just don’t like commitment. I liked the idea of it, but not the reality. And I know I’ve hurt both of us. I know the logical thing is to talk to her about it. Believe me, I tried to, but what’s stopping me is that I’ve been in her shoes before and i don’t want to crush her.

A few years ago, someone told me via text to stop being clingy and not to treat her as my diary. The good thing was that I only saw her once a week so I had enough time to 'recover’ before seeing her again. Eventually we drifted away but not because of that. Her text worked and I left her alone but it had a huge impact on me. I cried a lot that day as I read why I was such a clingy friend, and I would say it was my first heartbreak. Thinking about it now, I still feel pain in my heart. If A is anything like me, she’s probably had trouble making friends too. I don’t want her to feel the same way I did. It had really hurt when I thought I finally had a friend only to find out that they thought I was a sucky friend. To this day, those words still affect my actions around my friends.

So what I’m doing it is just putting up with it. A has been more withdrawn so I think she’s getting it. Maybe we’ll end up drifting away, but I don’t want our friendship to end on a bad note. A is a great person. I’d like to be her friend, but not her best friend you know? I’m aware I’ve been selfish and it really hurt us both. But now I just want to break the whole 'best friend thing’ off nicely without further damage.

- Blublue

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Hey Love--

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I hope that since you sent us this message things have improved somewhat.

I know how it feels to not have a perfect best friend, especially in school. It sounds like even though A has not been respecting your boundaries, it seems like you are able to understand where she is coming from. Try not to feel guilty for initiated a friendship. You were not aiming to hurt her and you created a friendship that while it has downsides, gave both of you what you needed. It is not your fault that you and A have grown apart. Most people will, over time, grow away from all their friends, even their closest ones.

If you feel uncomfortable initiating a verbal conversation with her, you can consider writing a text or a letter explaining how you feel. Remember how you felt when your previous friend was insensitive to you and keep it in mind as you decide what to say to her. Be sure not to unfairly blame her or criticize her needs. Focusing on your feelings and your interpretation of your friendship will help to eliminate her feelings getting too hurt.

Using examples of situations that made you uncomfortable in your conversation will help her understand your point of view. For example, tell her how you felt about her forcing you to be her partner even after you had picked someone else. Tell her that you want to be friends but that you have other friends as well. You seem to know that the best course of action is to talk to her, but I can understand why this is difficult. As I said, you know where she is coming from. If you have not already, tell her this. As cliche as it sounds, make sure she knows that she is not the problem, and that your friendship styles and needs are just not compatible. If she doesn't have any other close friends, consider trying to introduce her to your other friends. Creating a common "friend-group" with her included will help you both feel that she is not being abandoned and will reduce the stress placed on you to be her only confidant. Dispersing her need to feel supported and cared for amongst many people will make it easier for you to breathe.

If you are uncomfortable having a conversation with her about your differing needs in a friendship, you could also just continue to distance quietly. If you do decide to take this route, make sure that you are not mean or rude to her. To make sure that she does not get hurt, remember to still spend some time with her and not to completely cut her out of your life.

As you said, your sister is likely right about A being insecure about your friendship. Try to recognize this when talking to her. The things she says to you about having saved your social life likely apply to her. This is a difficult situation and if over time, you feel that she is harassing you or making you feel unsafe, try talking to your sister or an adult who has seen the situation progress.

Personally, I would choose to introduce A to other friends. I think that this would reduce tension and would help both of you in the long-term. As I am not involved in this situation, the choice is ultimately yours and I'm sure you will make the right choice.

Good Luck Love!

Xx Meera

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