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Blue Monday Tuesday

Reality and cognition

Humans think.

We are able to recognise, to comprehend, to learn.

The view of things and situations changes with advancing age.

Beautiful memories sometimes get a surreal sugar coating.

Bad experiences often burn themselves in, like an unsightly hole in fine cloth.

We are often no longer able to say whether the past was really so beautiful or so terrible.

People romanticise, but they also like to repress.

David lay in bed and pondered.

He was satisfied with his life. He had already achieved some goals he had set for himself. He had started or finished things of his own free will.

He was grateful.

Yet he wondered if he was always fair to his fellow man.

Was his contentment based on cheap selfishness? Had he stopped at nothing to get to his goals?

Had he perhaps even lied to himself just to pretend to be happy?

Dorian had gone for good. Many miles now separated them permanently. They spoke on the phone for a few minutes almost every day to keep in touch and up to date. This was delightful and it made them both content. They had said farewell as friends and friends they wanted to remain for a lifetime.

So now David lay alone in his comfortable bed. A few hours ago he had had an amusing conversation with Dorian. Dorian was so fascinating and irresistibly clever and all his stories were always pointed and fresh. David began to chuckle. Pavus was really a cool man, that was for sure!

And David was his friend!

He never had cool friends in his younger days. Trevelyan was a dreamer and very shy and quiet. He preferred climbing trees rather than playing tricks on girls. And he was poor, chubby and introverted - this was really uncool in the 60s! ...and it certainly still is today, David thought to himself, and his smile disappeared.

Now and then Dorian had told him about his childhood. Not in great detail, it seemed to pain him. David listened wordlessly and tried to make Dorian as comfortable as possible. Often it really shook the coroner when he told stories from his childhood and parents home. Not infrequently, he would then ask his colleague for a tight hug. And very very often the two made love afterwards, it was as if all the tension fell away from Pavus through the physical devotion to their lovemaking.

David couldn't complain, his Dori was an insanely erotic and extremely playful lover. It was all so beautiful, so tender, so coherent, so wild, so passionate, so liberating, so satisfying, so real and it just felt perfectly normal and right.

His heart began to race. David's pulse rumbled in his temples.

Had he taken advantage of Dorian?

Had he soiled Dorian's tender soul?

Did Dorian perhaps only want to be held, did he perhaps only seek support, warmth and understanding?

Had David only thought of himself again?

David was so unspeakably proud of Dorian for going his own way and yet he missed him so damn much that it took his breath away.

Trevelyan turned his face into the pillow and began to cry bitterly.

#dragon age inquisition #modernau #afterlife #Dorian Pavus #David Trevelyan #Pavelyan #Davidorian #my precious boys #my writings #Blue Tuesday

A Blue Tuesday

I was feeling slightly blue yesterday for no reason in particular. I slept in, not really wanting to get out of bed, but nature called. I did a workout but is was below even my lowest of standards. I just had no energy and I was trying to lift weights. I just had a difficult time with each move even at low weights. I certainly didn’t get any feel good endorphins from my pitiful workout. I got a…