now isnt it just the darnedest thing? see, logically, i know that "my sweet boss who loved me and seemed loyal enough to our cause" and "the awful manipulative spy who murdered me for knowing too much" are the same person. logically i know this, i mean its simply fact, no amount of history - real or fake between us - can change that, no amount of disguises can hide that anymore. and a part of me is still Ruined over all that - i HATE small spaces now, hate how i cant run and run and run anymore, even in THIS body nothing changes nothing got better and EVERYTHING STAYED and its awful and i carry it with me even now. and i know, i KNOW that its HIS fault. i know he must have been lying, because he was, and he never truly loved me, only used me for convenience. i KNOW this. I KNOW THIS.
but still. its so hard NOT to separate him from himself, the disguise from the truth, the fact from fiction. i know, logically, that my dear longarm is also my cruel killer shockwave. but in my mind i just.. i cant make that connection, its impossible, every time i start its like it simply computes wrong, like an error, and i just cant understand it. its distressing, because im still being effected. why cant i just understand this? why do i have to keep questioning if his lies were true? why do i have to keep seeing him as different people? why am i doing this to myself, and when did i lose the ability to stop?? why do i keep wanting to go back to him, seeing him as someone separate, when i KNOW its wrong???
if only one of you could knock some sense into me! maybe then i could get my helm on straight and forget all about him.. if he even did show up again, what would i even say? i just cant know. i dont think i even really WANT to know now that i think of it. its just..... a lot.
- blurr, transformers animated, fictive.
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