#boaredles

[threeleggedshark]

I made 1 knee warmer.

[threeleggedshark]

Going to the dog park to chill with dogs, maybe at some point I'll feel comfortable to ask if I can pet some of them.

[threeleggedshark]

I hate it when my body screams at me, telling me it needs something, without actually telling me what. Water? Food? Air?

Drugs???

What are you, a screaming baby? Use your words.

You know them.

Please.

I want to sleep.

[threeleggedshark]

Being treated as a guy is weird when you still think you basically just look like a girl with a deep voice.

[threeleggedshark]

It's half past midnight and there is what sounds like a whole ass marching band in front of my building, with the caveat that they are not fUCKING MOVING.

I was prepared for this time of year to be hell (for me) in this city, which is why I usually flee to my parents, but I thought this was a day - STOP SHOUTING FOR A FUCKING ENCORE YOU BASTARDS - I thought this was mostly a day thing with just more drunkards at night, which I can deal with thanks to earplugs, but they barely make a difference here.

[threeleggedshark]

CW: internalised fatphobia, weight gain

Okay so I am officially "slightly overweight" now. Which, shouldn't be a big deal, but it still has me spiralling and I just want to put down thoughts in the hopes of stopping that.

So, completely removing myself from labels I overall prefer my body post T (I gained 20kg since going on T which is why I chose it as a marker). I like the stockier build, my head doesn't look as big anymore in comparison to the rest of my body and in general the proportions are nicer. Yes, I got a bit of a tummy now that makes me feel insecure in crop tops, but I don't mind it that much when it's either covered or I am fully naked. I do mind my face though, not a fan of the added chubbiness on my chin and extra round features, would like to be able to see the little bit of bone structure that I do have. (It's not much tho so idk, gotta be real skinny for it to show up and I don't want to go back to that either)

I think many of my insecurities could be fixed if I started going to the gym to turn some of that fat into muscles, not to reduce weight but shift around the mass into a stronger built which is something I have always dreamed of. Whenever I wanted to get buff pre T my biggest issue was that it felt impossible for me to gain mass, now that I have gained mass I should just use the opportunity. Get that Wolverine build lol. (Anyone willing to finance a gym membership for me?)

But man, my own fatphobia is already showing, and I am still far away from the point where weight impacts my quality of life in any way. Like people seeing me and thinking "oh that person's fat" as one of their first impressions of me is scary to me and I hate that it is.

Part of it is probably because most of my life I had a very conventionally attractive female body without doing anything for it and as someone with already questionable self confidence, losing that does of course have an impact. Whilst at the same time, I know many people find my current body type very attractive too, or I think they would if I were taller. (That's my real insecurity at the end of the day lol. Height. Fuck that shit.) This whole thing is just feeding into me generally feeling undesireable in the recent months. God, I wish I just didn't care.

I am trying to see this as the opportunity that it is, to finally get bulky, to try out if my Ex was right and I can turn into Jackie from Cyberpunk once I get myself to work out consistently, but man the "fear of being fat" is keeping me awake. Should not have weighed myself. That's why I don't have a scale at home. I don't want to know about these things and give myself insecurities I didn't have before.

[threeleggedshark]

I am replaying retribution and boy does rejecting Herald break my heart.

It's my own fault for always playing the same edge lord who pushes everyone away, but man, Herald deserves better.

[threeleggedshark]

Deutsche Bahn after cancelling my stop for the nth time this month.

Go and fuck yourself.