Bob the Vampire
So because of yet another ridiculous discussion with my son, I started thinking about the vampire trope of drinking pig/cow/wombat blood so as to “assuage their hunger”.
So if that works, then there’s got to be a vampire who likes it, right? I mean, not every vampire is going to be a megalomaniac serial killer goth. There’s got to be at least one who is like “wait, drinking human blood is kind of messed up, cow blood does the job, and tastes pretty good.”
So you have a vampire who isn’t a threat. Not because of some vow or other complex thing, but because it’s just a lot less trouble.
Especially if you become...
Bob the Vampire, NIGHT BUTCHER!
Like he’s a butcher that works at night. Doesn’t kill people. Works as a butcher. But at night, because he’s a vampire.
It’d be pretty handy, right? I mean he’s strong as...an ox, so he can sling sides of beef. He’s gonna have a neat back room, because all the blood is going into his fridge for later. Hell, he’s probably a connoisseur at this point, can tell how good the beef is going to be just by how the blood tastes.
Bob’s Butcher Shop has the best meat in town.
Can you imagine how this would fuck with vampire hunters?
I AM HERE TO KILL THE VAMPIRE!
Who, Bob?
...Bob?
Well, he’s the only vampire in town.
THEN I AM HERE TO KILL BOB!
Why?
...he’s...a...vampire?
Well we know that, I mean, look at the sign to his shop. <points to sign over shop window>
“Bob’s Butcher Shop, Vampire Bob, Proprietor.
Tuesday is BOGO on liver!”
...what?
That’s what we said, no one likes liver that much, but vampires. <shrugs>
...but they’re...evil?
Who, Bob? Bob’s not evil. I mean, he’s a little grumpy with Henry from down the road, but honestly, Henry couldn’t raise good cattle if he had a book...I think he does have a book, still can’t raise good cattle, but tries to get Bob to pay for them as if they were prime. So Bob’s kind of curt with him, but I don’t think that really qualifies as evil. A bit rude perhaps, but not evil.
...don’t you all live in fear of him?
Of Bob? Ohhh...right, the vampire thing. Look, come round tonight when the shop’s open and talk with him. Bob’s not one of those vampires. He drinks cow blood and pig blood. According to him, it tastes just as good, is just as healthy for him, and really, it makes him a fantastic butcher. He can tell with a taste if meat’s gone bad. A bit disconcerting at first, I mean, he has to lick the meat to really tell how good or bad it is, but you’re going to cook it anyway, so it’s not that big a deal. Unless it’s for tartare. Then he won’t lick it, he just jabs it with a knife and licks the knife. Not as good a way to tell, ‘least not according to him, but it gets you most of the way there, and more sanitary.
...I think I need to lay down, my head hurts.
We get that a lot. Look, pop round to Mary’s Inn down the road, tell her you need the Vampire Hunter Special, she’ll fix you right up.
...okay...thank you.
No problem at all!
These are the things I think of in the middle of a discussion about the new Castlevania cartoon.