I’ve been reading a book on how to listen to your body. It’s an energy, new age-ish approach and that’s not everyone’s cup of tea but there are a lot of interesting exercises that correlate with somatic therapy. I’ve had a hard time connecting with my body in a way that feels nice. Generally I try to escape from my body into fantasy, disassociate from it, begrudge its needs. So it’s been interesting to try to listen to it and find ways to enjoy it, inhabit it, work with it, have a mutual experience of being a chaotic thought storm and a shambling clump of dirt full of water, electricity, blood and farts.
Anyway one of the big themes in the book is inward listening, not applying what you think is needed in any given situation but asking a question and semi-meditating to give space for an answer. And the answer could be the color yellow, or a humming feeling in your shoulder. Lots of weird, cryptic, personal things. An example is I woke up the other morning and was so fucking tired, just woke up already exhausted and in pain and sad and not wanting to move. So I thought I’d try the exercise and asked what I needed to do to feel happy and have energy. I zoned out, and before long thought “Zombie”.
“Zombie” didn’t seem like a very helpful response, but ok, I certainly felt like one, so I got up and put my arms out like a zombie and slowly shuffled around and before long I was groaning like a zombie and moving my arms up and down and because I’m a giant goofball soon I was zombie dancing and laughing because it was ridiculous and the arm exercise felt nice and I had a really nice morning.
My biggest challenge has been remembering to do this exercise. I find it tricky to remember to do most things consistently. All of this rambling precursor is to say that I was just thinking about how hard it is to fit new things into my life, habits, changes, patterns, and I realized that so much of what I do at any given time is very thought focused. I’ve had an idea and now I’m doing the idea, or thinking a lot about the idea and wanting to do it but can’t find time, etc. And all of these ideas are from my boiling think storm, which can come up with good stuff but is pretty fallible and restricted by its own tracks and railings. So I’m going to try to make room for body thoughts. 10 minutes a day, half an hour a day, I’m not sure what the details are yet, but right now my life feels like an overplanned garden where nothing’s getting the nutrients it needs to thrive, and rather than re-planning the garden again and again I need to just clear out things that I don’t need or have been afraid to let go, and leave those spaces empty. I don’t have great ideas of what to put there, I want to leave room for something new to grow. Maybe all that will show up there is a pile of mental raccoon turds, but it’d be nice to be surprised by myself.
