How I Loved You, How I Cried
Context: Gwiylim Lee x F! Reader. A few minutes after your virginity loss to Gwilym and their first night together, (Y/N) feels the courage to confess something personal from her past to him and let him know about a personal trauma... Angst/Fluff
CONTENT WARNINGS: mentions of sex, swearing, sexual assault, not the world’s best grammar.
(I have been a fanfiction reading stan on this site for months and now it is my turn to share what I myself wrote! Hello there! This is the not the first fanfic I have ever written, but definitely the first Bohrap cast fanfiction I have written. The original came in two parts and I am hesitant to post the first one with the actual v-card loss and sexytimes in it, unless asked for so maybe ? a ? oneshot ? I would personally love to thank the support I have gotten for this decision to post my own Bohrap/Queen writing online. I will give copyrights to @theborhapboysawakenedmywhatever for a little bit of inspiration in the beginning from the Aftercare headcanons. Also tagging @sohoneyspreadyourwings and @musicalprostitue for the encouragement today...so here we go! Other fics to come soon!
Also, I read or saw somewhere Gwilym was Cassio in Othello in a stage production at some point, but if I am wrong, let me know immediately and I will fix it. And if I am right, someone please say so and tell me what other Shakespeare he has done. Because I am curious. Maybe it may play into some future fics *wink*)
You lie panting for a little bit, now that the climax has tizzied away. You hear Gwil next to you, doing the same. You start to get up on your elbows.
“Oh no, you don’t have to. You’re the one new to this. Please let me take care of you, let me hold you.”
He pulls a soft, grey blanket scrunched in a corner of the duvet and wraps it over you like a cape. You feel one of his arms scoop under you and the other around you and you do the same. He nuzzles his face in your hair and you in his chest, smelling his soap. Both of you silently play footsie for a bit, giggling like children for a second. He’s so tall you had to stretch your toes to reach his until you give up and use part of your foot to gently poke his shin.
“You were incredible, Y/N”
“Thank you, for everything you did for me tonight” you say, nuzzling his chest a bit.
“You’re welcome” he says. You feel his hand reach your back and trace bits of your spine and ribs. You start to lightly tickle what chest hairs you see and trace figure eights.
“Fy cariad bach, my little goddess, Rydych yn hardd, my sweet bird” he whispers.
Eventually he lets go and you feel a bit of coolness. The blanket drapes off some of him, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Gwil goes to put on some blue boxers and offers you some of his that can fit you and an old, white t-shirt. It’s not your most fashionable look, but neither of you care.
A sudden urge hits you. If you don’t talk about it now, you don’t think you ever will.
“Now that we’ve done this, Gwilym...” you say. He perks a bit at the mention of his fuller name.
“There’s something I’d like to tell you. But could you hold me again while I talk about it...I mean, like spoon me?” you ask. It would be easier if you couldn’t feel the pressure to make eye contact or see his face.
You turn over to face the wall and the bedside desk. A couple of the leftover rose petals tumble in your hair and a couple rest in your peripheral vision. He was so sure you were comfortable tonight he made the effort to decorate the bed with rose petals. You feel his arms wrap around your stomach and his chin on your head. You take a deep breath, enjoying the moment. Outside,birds are chirping a little in the night. A fan in the room was turned on in the midst of the scramble for comfy clothes and it purrs and blows cool air. You take five seconds to enjoy it before you begin.
“I told you I am-was a virgin. And it’s true. But only technically true. Everything I am about to tell you really happened. Please believe me.”
You sigh deeply. Then you feel ready to relive it one more time.
“There was another boy. He was my cousin. It was Easter and the family were all together after church. When everyone was preoccupied, he took me to the guest bedroom. He asked me to take my clothes off. I did. Then he took off his. He led me to the closet and turned off the lights. It was pitch dark and I couldn’t see a thing, but I could feel. I don’t even remember much. I was in such shock. I’ve kept blocking it from my mind. I remember his...his penis touching me, though. I was lying on the floor and he was doing something like push ups over me. I don’t know if he went into me or not. I don’t remember. I felt so uncomfortable I cried and begged him to stop. He did. We got out and dressed and he told me not to tell anyone. I’ve only told my immediate family and the odd counselor or rare friend and now you.”
You pause for a little to let it soak in. You hear that he has no comment yet to say. Maybe he is taking it in. Then you decide to include the last, and most important detail.
There is a pause even stiller than before.
“And at the time, I didn’t even know what sex was at the time, much less what happened to me.”
Your heart is picking up speed again. At once you feel relief that you don’ t have to hide or bury this burden with your boyfriend anymore. But at the same time, here you were, out in the open. Nowehere to hide. After all, moments before you decided to reveal your naked body to him. Now it seemed as if he saw your own inner nakedness and was waiting for his verdict.
“Do you believe me?” you ask.
You feel his arms tense up a little bit. Almost in anger, almost to keep you secure.
“Oh my god...that bastard...that’s horrible.”
You feel a couple of tears well up. The pain and confusion and loss that hit you years ago has returned. It returns every time you recount it.
“I was so scared...You would think that I was so inexperienced you would be bored and tired of me or that...that I was ...was damaged goods. Either way, I wasn’t good enough, especially not for you.”
“No, no, not at all.” he insists. You give yourself permission to cry for a bit.
“The whole damaged goods thing is just old-fashioned bullshit” Gwilym insists “ And even if you were inexperienced, if you wanted anything or needed help, I could help you. You were wonderful just now, cariad. I had a wonderful hour I will never forget.”
You feel him gently turn around. By this point, there have been more tears wiping off what makeup you have put on for tonight. The little blemishes on your face and eyes are revealed. It almost makes you cry more, since you are worried this is the most unattractive you seem in front of Gwil. You decide to look at him in his blue eyes and continue rambling. More things, things you have rearely talked about, begin unpiling.
“I sometimes wonder if I led him on-”
“A nine year old girl? If a man or any guy is turned on by a nine year old girl, he’s the one with a problem.” He wipes away a couple tears with his hands. He cups your face with all the gentleness in the world.
“I can’t imagine what it was like or how it is like. But it was not your fault. You didn’t even bloody know what was happening. He was just some prick who took advantage of a child. That’s the nicest thing I can say about him.”
Gwil begins to wipe a few more tears that fall down from your cheeks. Even with your bare, blemished face, reddened and scrunched from crying, he loves you deeply.
“Three words from me, and Rami, Ben and Joe would have a man hunt for him. I think Lucy would especially enjoy parading around town waving your cousin’s head on a spike”
You smile, both of you chuckling at the image. You move over and kiss him softly, in gratitude.
“That’s why I thank you. Because for years, I hated the idea of sex once I learned about it. If I ever got aroused, I hated myself and called myself a slut and a whore. The idea of a wedding night felt like an execution to me. I had my first boyfriend, he loved that I was virtuous or whatever but whenever he hugged or wanted to kiss me, I was a little terrified. And it showed. He was mad that I wouldn't let him touch me. He broke up with me before we could even kiss. I felt like if I wasn’t the way I was, if I wasn’t such a prude when it came to those kinds of things, he would have stayed with me.”
“Honestly, the whole prude idea can go to hell. No one should be rushed or humiliated into anything they aren’t ready for” he whispers.
You flinch, wondering how Gwil would feel with you talking about past relationships. But he is still. His eyes are crying a little bit too. One hand is wrapped around to caress you and the other still holding your cheek.
“Then I met you.” you say. “And I agreed to date you. And be your girlfriend. You never do anything without asking me first. And whenever I let you, I feel good. Warm. Safe. Loved. I decided it was right to make my sex debut with you. It felt...natural. I actually wanted to do it...And there’s no one else on earth I would rather have it be, than you.”
Gwil hugs you tighter and peppers you with loving kisses. He is now smiling, in spite of the tears both of you have shed, starting to dry.
“Y/N, you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met. I promise to you, now, you are always safe with me, especially in here. You have no reason to hide. It is never easy to live with this, but I will be with you and help you every step of the way. I love you so much. And I will always protect you. Even though it still haunts you, just know, at least, even when it feels unbearable, know I am here. And I adore you. And you are safe” Gwil says, leaving a slow, romantic, tender kiss on your lips. You both begin to smile again through it.
After a moment, he fetches you both a glass of water. Crying always made both of you thirsty, and now that your deepest emotions are released, the water replenishes. You ask him about his experience with Shakespeare and if there are some of the Shakespeare lines he still remembers and you fall asleep safe in Gwil’s arms, bits of Cassio’s lines from Othello lulling you both to peace.
