#borderline relationships

[shehasbpd]

relationship labels

no labels. that's how to proceed in my head if things are always in flux.

I've been reading about mono-poly relationships, and that's helped. it's strange to see myself in a mono role (and that's how I see myself as part of this, an unlabeled "relationship"), as my insistence that I identify as poly was one of the many things that tanked my marriage, but that's how I feel - committed, and okay with long distance and intermittent visits. [n.b., I still do consider myself poly, but I'm not seeking for any other connections for myself at this point.]

there's no cognate form of a poly relationship (reading Thriving in Non-Monogamy An Ethical Slut's Guide: Overcome Jealousy, Enjoy Sex, and Honor Yourself helped, as did Kathy Labriola's post about the pitfalls one might experience with your partner being in different relationships -- even if they're short "relationships") -- everything is unique to the particular situation.

so... no labels, it is what it is; we enjoy our time together, we can spend hours and hours talking on any particular day when apart. I'm happy with the joy that I feel from our connection, and she's to free use, or not use, labels as feels at any given time.

[shehasbpd]

7 days of the week

Monday = Best friend

Tuesday = Forgotten/cast aside/hated/blocked on tumblr

Wednesday = Lover

Thursday = Long-distance boyfriend

Friday = Mentally ill together

Saturday = A secret from the outside world

Sunday = A wannabe domestic partner with cats, a bookstore café, and lots of travel (delusional)

- -

My role, metaphorically, through the ups and downs of an ever-changing situation with someone with BPD (from my perspective)...

[shehasbpd]

Behavior Chain Analysis

I'm not sure that I actually remember doing any of this while I was doing DBT, but it sounds very logical.

from verywellmind, excerpted:

"Chain analysis can be helpful in the treatment of different mental health problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD), substance use, and other conditions. It is an important technique in a type of therapy known as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)."

"To do a behavior chain analysis, a person identifies the situation they were in, the thoughts they were experiencing, and the feelings they were having just prior to engaging in that behavior.

In doing so, a person can increase their awareness of all the factors that may put them at risk for problem behavior. This way a person has a better ability to intervene early on to prevent that behavior in the future."

"Questions you might ask yourself include: - What was the exact event that led to the behavior? - When did the problem first start?- What was happening when it began? - What thoughts, feelings, or behaviors were you having at the time?"

"After you write down the initial precipitating event, ask yourself what happened next. Questions you can ask yourself include: - What thought or feeling did you have after it happened? - What actions followed? - How did you feel during and after the behavior? - What were you doing? - What was going on around you? - Were you in an argument? - Did you have a memory of your traumatic event triggered?"

[shehasbpd]

Is sex a BPD symptom, or am I just making excuses?

Her sexual behaviour (the meaningless and random one-time encounters) is something that I talk about on here.

She feels that I pathologize it in order to excuse her behaviour and make it more acceptable to me, whereas she thinks it might be part of who she really is (at least sometimes). She's probably right to a -certain- extent, though I believe that I'm slowly coming around to accepting it whether I see it as a symptom of BPD or not.

Sex is obviously a pretty natural desire, but... I also think that she's dismissing the role of BPD too easily with regard to this specific context.

I'll pull a few quotes from here: Borderline Personality Disorder's [A]ffect on People's Sex Lives that are similar to some of the things she's said to me in the past. Validation is a recurring theme, as is the back-and-forth of disgust and hypersexuality.

"If I’m single, my self-worth and validation depends on how sexually desirable people find me which can be really self-destructive."

"It’s a way to validate that I’m wanted."

"I have an extremely high libido and I crave attention constantly. I find that sexual activity or being considered sexy is very validating for me and I find that BPD makes me crave constant validation."

"I tend to gravitate toward men/women who only want a casual hook up or who only want me for sex. Especially when the emptiness hits me and I want someone to fill that void."

"I use sex as a way to fill some kind of hole in me."

"I don’t plan on it, but I’m just way too spontaneous and have no self-control."

"I find myself bouncing between hyperlibido/hypolibido depending on a variable of factors that at times can be uncontrollable."

"I go through sexuality ‘phases.’ I go through months where I want sex constantly, multiple times a day. I go through phases where I feel like I don’t want to have it at all."

"My borderline makes me disgusted by sex. I can’t deal with it, not even any touching at all."

[shehasbpd]

pathologizing it doesn't make it hurt any less.

[shehasbpd]

Aaron O'Hanlon

[Image ID: A poem by Aaron O'Hanlon written on lined paper in black ink, with the pen visible in the photo. It reads: "Show me your thorns, and I'll show you hands ready to bleed. - AO']

[shehasbpd]

I get jealous because of course they (everyone else she says a word to, or anyone that sees her) would want to pursue her. she's so fucking desirable. so irresistable. she's a magnet.

I am so needy for her. it drives me slightly (entirely) insane.

[shehasbpd]

will caring about me always feel like a burden?

(yes, it's part of the curse)

don't let me get in the way of taking care of your mind and body.

though here, my own body and mind clash; the rational mind vs. a body neurotic, unerotic. I abhor anything that is not us; but you need to remain free.