#bottlesfromtherooftops

[existentialistics]

i swear my life is a cycle

it's a two year cycle starting and ending in mid-august. august-september going into an odd grade (7,9,etc) things start to go downhill and basically collapse that whole year i give in and don't really have friends then that summer i have a decent summer and then right before school starts going into that even grade i tell myself i'm going to start taking more risks that year i make a lot of friends and have fun that summer i go to a lot of parties and am really really social then i have so much self confidence i start to be mean and then everyone i'm mean to leaves and then i collapse and enter august-september 

[dylanmcilraths]

anywhere but here

are we counting so far away because so far away 

[existentialistics]

taken by katey.

[existentialistics]

the real me you might be offended if i know you

[existentialistics]

alexis monsorno appreciation post

Alexis and I have been friends such 7th gradeand have never gotten in a fight. Most friendships, especially oens since middle school, have gotten in a fight that resulted in an end to a friendship, or at least small ones. We have never, mainly because we are so similar. She is my best friend, and could not ask for somebody better:

always open to talk

we have the same exact music taste

takes me to concerts to the point where we went on a 10 hour roadtrip to north carolina

got me to meet mayday parade for my first time

writes the most meaningful things (including posts, cards, notes, etc)

will always read any poetry i write

supportive of everything i do

the first person to ever sign up for my run for the animals 3k, now entering it's 5th year

waits 6+hours with me for concerts

always fun and positive

let me into her friend group

fully lsitens when i speak

GOT ME A PHYSICAL COPY OT EH PARTY SCENE

yup that's right, all of you reading this in the atl tag, i am going to OWN THE PARTY SCENE.

despite everything she nice she has done for m, she is just a great person all around, and my favorite part about her is how much effort she puts into the things she does for me. and how she fully cares about me and how i know we will always be friends.

[existentialistics]

why do i not feel happy

robbymurphy.blogspot.com

had all my closest friends besides a few at my house for hours had a perfect party got $600 worth of gifts ot some gifts and cards with much effort put into it but why is this creature crawling through my stomach making it's way up please stay away from my eyes and throat is clenching why is it clenching it hurts more with the money i look at the goosebumps set in after reading kristin's poem and then they start to disappear and what's left of this poem is me biting my nails in disbelief in disgust at myself disgusted at all this money  why did kristin have to buy me a gift and put time and money into this perfection she conjured up when all i do is flaunt my anti-religious beliefs in the air like their feathers but a thousand pounds of feathers weighs the same as a thousand pounds of bricks i have to remember that it's okay and i should take in the money but the awe on charlie's face has a deeper meaning as i know my family can afford much more than he can and it's stuck with him all his life and has been plastered to his clothes and i don't like this money i don't deserve this money or this effort what have i ever done for any of you but it's not a game of debt it's just maybe last minute regret that my conscience thinks i needed a huge party and months of planning and bills and expenses and so many bodies just to find a way to leave a smile on my face for more than five minutes maybe that kristin is better off believing in her god because she'll have somebody to keep her going i only have pieces of paper that can prevent families from starving and right now it's in my room i have the poor man's antidote and i'm just keeping it for myself i don't want it i don't want any gifts i just want to give and hide the spotlight from this shadow lingering on his computer at 2am unhappy with the hundreds of dollars and abundance of friends i have  as i contradict my own philosophy of positivity maybe it's aly leaving 20 minutes into the party and wondering why the remorse hasn't set in yet  or why it never will or why i don't care who reads this maybe it's my lack of poetic style maybe it's because i'm facing my mind on the screen screaming for relief of this NOTHING is wrong get these feathers off of me i take back it all and to be the stereotypical teenager since when did i ever want to fit in? since when was a party the most my imagination could conjure? maybe it's my friends who tell me they love me and i find them whispering secrets about one another and i am left unscathed but traumatized from the noninclusive role i played in this war why is there a war in this drama when i just find myself back on elise's porch with kristin and i don't have to fight my way through anything "you don't keep track of money in a friendship," elise always says and i've stayed up just playing the quote in repeat and now feel selfish for this debt i feel i owe them all for this thought they flaunted on me why do i deserve to consume your thoughts there's still cancer out there i bet you that money in my room right now will help make a difference but that's going to be spent on concerts and food and clothes and people wonder why i always want the pictures because i killed a cancer patient's life to experience this party so i better fucking at least remember it what i wore who i connected with and not let it be another face that erases from a memory maybe it's me never forgetting and trying to make every moment count and still the sadness remains maybe it's because i sound like a self-help book maybe it's because i didn't make up that phrase maybe its because i would just rather sit there for hours wherever our footsteps take us and just explain myself i want everyone to understand me  but they won't and i always need to re-explain or simplify to make it understandable me--understandable but i'm not a piece of art work i'm just a trillion year evolved archaebacteria don't call me a human we're all the same cell at the end maybe it's because this is me on the screen not poetic not rhyming or flowing without an extravagant vocabulary maybe it's because this would never sell maybe it's because nobody cares for the true emotion anymore maybe it's because only hearts sell when hearts only pump blood i want our minds to sell i want our minds to make other minds think and expand and give them purpose and hope to be the kerosene to your career to be the reason you don't kill yourself not the heart, or love scars, or an empty feeling i want our minds to be heard but something happenes between our mind and our mouth as we speak i'm not sure what but it's making every song sound the same it makes small talk practical acceptable even i don't want to hear that you're good i don't want to hear that you had soccer practice today tell me where you've been hurt as you answer this taxi cab as we turn right down main street explain yourself to me i don't care if you cry or laugh or mourn i  just want to give you a chance to explain yourself and maybe i'll put us in traffic in purpose because you need someone to talk to maybe it's because every taxi driver is miserable maybe it's because i've never been able to understand the concept "quality not quantity" maybe it's because i can't explain myself not in one sitting so i try to document my life in words but words don't describe the noise i made when i when i when i what let me just explain myself and wear it on my body so everybody knows me but that will never happen because people will get jealous and try to copy my outfit sometimes i wonder why they just don't make shirts for people individually that say "my parents died in a car accident" "i'm gay but too afraid to say so" and why we can't all just accept that it's cliche now and it's still abused it's like trying to open a pistachio nut that's closed all the way no matter how hard you pull their mind won't open up their vision will stay straight forward and downward when a whole entire world is around them maybe it's because some people use the word diverse as a negative annotation maybe it's because there's never a right answer maybe it's because we're living in mansions with everything we need and not only people but animals are starving why can't we help them? sure we think we're open minded to see that we can help people of other races but why not species of other phylums or classes or  anything with living cells can concur the world who put this dividing line between species what does it take to open this nut because the knife never solves anything and so we develop guns typical maybe it's because this is the best i've felt all night or ever and i still have so much more explaining to do and simplifying and arguing and i know i might never explain myself fully i would need another life to do it but that would be a life wasted but i just want to go to sleep 

robbymurphy.blogspot.com

[existentialistics]

[existentialistics]