I’ve been meaning to write a post about Borderline Sirius for the longest time, but this is partly inspired by my posting a snippet of a BPD!Sirius fic a while ago and the fact I’ve had this headcanon for over two years now. My Sirius is often written as being Borderline, whether explicit or not. Borderline Sirius is something I’ve become increasingly attached to recently. The more I look at his personality and actions in canon, the more I can see him attached to the criteria of BPD/EUPD. A lot of my feelings about Sirius are from my own personal canon, especially during the First War where the pressure pot of existential dread is an untold stress on all members of the Order, but I think especially Sirius struggled under this pressure due to his personality disorder.
I think the easiest and most structured way to talk about Sirius’ Borderline—which is a complex and deep set of characteristics rooted in trauma and a consistently disrupted childhood, as all Borderline is—is through the diagnostic criteria from the DSM V. To be diagnosed with BPD, one needs to show at least five of the criteria. For ease of reading and to avoid a 3k word text post, I’m going to expand on the ones I think Sirius shows the most and leave others as a few lines.
This should go without saying but here we are, these opinions are my own and do not invalidate or disprove any other headcanons anyone else may have—everyone’s Sirius and their interpretations of him are all valid! If you don’t like my headcanons, DNI and move on!
A note on Bipolar Disorder v Borderline Personality Disorder: I’ve seen both use the same acronym and for ease I’ve taken to saying Borderline rather than BPD, or using the new acronym of EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). This post is also partly inspired by seeing @soloorganaas’ posts on Bipolar Sirius on my dash in that we need more psychological deep-dives into these characters, looking at their mental illnesses and neurodivergencies outwith canon. That is to say I love Natasha’s posts on Bipolar Sirius and you should all go and read them! Bipolar and Borderline aren’t mutually exclusive and, of course all headcanons exist at once, but in my own experience both Bipolar and Borderline have many overlaps, especially in Sirius’ character.
If you have things you want to add to this post, please feel free to reblog. Though I would kindly discourage any Borderline-bashing, if you have nothing nice to add, DNI. My dream would be to open a discussion about Borderline Sirius and other Black family members who we may headcanon as having BPD—because let’s be real, it’s a family heirloom.
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Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
I think this is the most painful thing to think about because of all the abandonment Sirius has suffered throughout canon. What I think of first are the two-way mirrors; Sirius and James are so very intertwined that they want the ability to communicate at any given moment, even during school. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment can be demonstrated in several ways, both in clinging to the person, or abandoning the person first in order to paradoxically avoid the hurt of eventual abandonment. I think this is part of Sirius’ reaction during OotP, when he pulls away from everyone due to their perceived abandonment of him—he is alone in the house of his childhood and his friends are leaving to go and do the work he wishes he could do.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
For me, this is the peak of explaining Sirius’ behaviour throughout canon.
I hesitate to call it the Prank because that word isn’t used during canon at all, but for ease of understanding, I will. Borderline patients can have episodes of hypomania, and I do think an episode of mania contributed to Sirius’ actions here, but I also think Sirius split on Remus—ie, his perception of Remus switched from idealised to demonised and devalued. This could be over something so seemingly trivial to an outsider, even something like choosing to sit next to James and not Sirius at the dinner table, or not replying to a note Sirius passed to him. I can see Remus doing something that makes Sirius devalue him to the point of Sirius not seeing how the following events will affect his friend and he sends Snape to the Shack in a moment of impulsivity (more on that later), without truly being cognisant of the consequences of his actions, because he, in that moment, did not see Remus as a person of value.
He absolutely idealises and idolises James Potter (he is Sirius’ Favourite Person—something I could write a whole other post on) and Sirius’ idealisation blinds him to any more sensible actions especially regarding the Fidelius charm. He will go above and beyond to protect James and his family by extension. Peter, and also Remus, are so idealised by Sirius that they are able to do no wrong—perhaps this is why Sirius is able to overlook any slight clues as to Peter’s true allegiances and entrust him as the Secret Keeper.
Harry, by extension, is hugely idealised by his Godfather. Sirius believes he is perfect and that Harry can accomplish anything. When Harry sends his letter in GoF saying his scar hurts, Sirius immediately flies back to protect him, and also breaks into a Wizarding house to use the fire to communicate with Harry. Harry is not above being devalued by Sirius, however: in the Floo-call in OotP, Sirius tells Harry ‘you’re less like your father than I thought’, and to me it’s clear in that moment that Sirius sees Harry as having fundamentally missed the bar of high standards Sirius holds him to.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
As we know, Sirius was the first Black not to be sorted into Slytherin. I think part of that comes from Sirius’ unstable sense of self, which, according to several studies, comes from the inability to integrate positive and negative traits. Sirius was simultaneously idealised by his parents and family as the scion of the House Black, and then, when he began to not meet their standards, was devalued as a blood traitor. I believe that Sirius developed some dissatisfaction with his life before he was sorted into Gryffindor, which was only heightened by his sorting and then devaluation by his family. This gives Sirius a markedly disturbed sense of self, which I think we can see during PoA where Sirius’ entire personality becomes getting revenge on Peter, then swiftly switches to being Harry’s Godfather once Peter has been caught.
4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging. (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
Sirius’ recklessness is well characterised in canon, imo. Simply put, he spends recklessly—the Firebolt for Harry—and we are well aware of his substance abuse during OotP. We see his recklessness during PoA also, where he comes to Hogwarts despite knowing that there are Dementors and Aurors looking for him, because he wants to find Peter. He also breaks into a Wizarding house during GoF in order to Floo-call Harry, which obviously could potentially end badly.
As above, I also think The Prank is a symptom of Sirius’ impulsivity. Borderlines often say and do things in the heat of those splitting moments which can be self-damaging in more than the physical ways listed above, such as ending friendships or starting arguments, and I do think the Prank is damaging to Sirius’ view of himself, his position within the friend group of the Marauders and especially his view in James’ eyes, regardless of whether the Marauders forgave Sirius quickly or not.
5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.
Okay, this isn’t explicit in canon, but I do think Sirius’ actions at the Department of Mysteries are part and parcel of his suicidal ideation. This passive devaluation of his own life leads him to put himself in danger for Harry—who becomes his FP in James’ absence—and his recklessness goes beyond the above criteria. His escape from Azkaban in PoA is similarly reckless. No one has escaped Azkaban yet Sirius, who has spent twelve years punishing himself for the death of his FP, is willing to try, such that he values his life so little.
Admittedly, this criteria is also largely based around my own headcanons especially during the First War. I believe Sirius’ recklessness with his own life is marked during this time, especially if anything should happen to the other Marauders, Sirius’ internal monologue may often turn to suicidal ideation.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Ooh, this is a big one. I instantly think of Sirius’ immediate, marked happiness when Harry says he would like to come and live with him at the end of PoA—everything else is immediately unimportant when Sirius’ Godson (and Favourite Person) is talking to him. When Harry first arrives at Grimmauld Place in OotP, Sirius is jovial if a little concerned about Harry, but playful nonetheless. This changes very abruptly when Molly raises concerns about Harry being brought up to speed about Voldemort. We also see Sirius in a depressive state when he is told not to accompany Harry to his hearing.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
How else would he survive the emptiness of Azkaban if he didn’t already know how that emptiness felt? Welp, I’m giving myself feelings.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
*gestures vaguely at the whole Shrieking Shack scene*
Beyond that, Sirius’ fury during OotP when he and Molly argue is also important here. I want to note also the difference between hot anger and cold anger, in that I think Sirius is very much feeling cold anger in this moment when he is arguing with Molly. Although I largely headcanon Sirius as experiencing a lot of ‘hot’ anger—that is to say, shouting and yelling, red-faced and furious—especially during the First War, I do think that being in Grimmauld Place in OotP makes Sirius lean towards ‘cold’ anger—more calculating, more biting and sharp—like his anger when Harry questions him about the Family Tree and when he and Snape argue over Harry’s Occlumency lessons. Perhaps we don’t see ‘hot’ anger from Sirius often during OotP, but we do see plenty of ‘cold’ anger from him, as well as a healthy dose of resentment and bitterness.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Sirius’ actions and reactions in OotP are classic, imo, dissociative symptoms, specifically being back in the house where large amounts of his childhood trauma and the seat of his personality disorder took root.
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Overall, I think looking at our favourite characters through these psychological lenses really changes how we interact with them, both in canon and fandom settings. There are so many great takes about what it means for these characters to be neurodivergent in many different ways, and I’m sure there is a whole host more to say about Sirius’ mental health, whether he be Borderline or not, that I won’t cover here because this is going to be over 2k words.
If you made it to the end, I salute you! Thank you for listening to me ramble about Borderline!Sirius and how dear he is to me! 🖤
One of my most dearly held weirdly specific angsty headcanons is that before Sirius leaves GP12, he doesn't know how to talk about things that are going on there but his anxiety comes out in saying wildly unhinged stuff like "I just wish my parents would die, they hate me". Kinda trying to play it off as a joke while desperately hoping that other people realise that he is not joking. And Remus, who has very warm relationship to his parents, sometimes says to Sirius something along the lines of "don't say that, your parents love you". Which sends Sirius spiralling because he is not getting heard and now Remus clearly thinks he is a bad person and he probably is, actually. Doesn't help that his parents use the "we do all of this because we love you" as an excuse for abuse.
And the thing is, Remus doesn't mean to be dismissive, not in the slightest. He simply has no clue what is going on and thinks that maybe they disagree on things and maybe they fight, but surely SIrius's parents love him. Of course they do; who wouldn't love Sirius? He is wonderful.
With more emphasis on the hurt oops. Well. No pairings, James is a good friend and Sirius has BPD. TW: suicidal thoughts.
“Can I have some dreamless sleep?”
Effie raises her head from the newspaper and looks at Sirius, who is standing in the doorway. “It’s morning, Sirius.”
“I slept badly.” A lie, he had a wonderful ten hours of nothingness. The sun is shining too brightly into Potters’ beautiful kitchen and Sirius feels so out of place it hurts.
“I’m sorry to hear that. Come eat breakfast, maybe it will wake you up.”
Sirius doesn’t want eggs or toast, he wants the potion that will knock him out. It’s kept in a locked cabinet because they don’t trust him at all - it is like Grimmauld Place all over again. If he didn’t leave his wand upstairs, he would make the cupboard behind Effie explode.
“I’ll go back to bed”, he says and slams the kitchen door after himself. When he climbs upstairs, rage storming inside his hollow chest, James peaks out of his room looking like he’s been just woken up by the noise.
“What’s wrong?”
“Your mom won’t give me any more sleep potion.”
James touches his hand lightly. “It’s not safe to take it too often, mate.”
Sirius pulls away from his friend, the anger splashing over his edges. He can’t control it anymore. James is supposed to be on his side, he’s breaking their alliance, he’s doing it all wrong.
“Stop acting like you care about me, none of you do! You are all regretting that you took me in in the first place because now you can’t get rid of me without looking like horrible people -”
“That’s not true at all.”
“It would be so much easier for everyone if I just killed myself.”
“Don’t fucking say that”, James snaps. “You can’t say things like that.”
“Whatever.”
Sirius gets back to his room and rips down the posters he got from the Potters soon after he moved in. He leaves the shreds all over the floor and hides in the bed wishing that he could tear himself apart too.
Once the anger subsides, comes the guilt, and the fear. Those are the only three emotions he can muster up these days, and most of the time he’s empty. Spring wasn’t a good time but at least he was feeling something back then. The walls were coming crashing down and he knew that something bad was bound to happen, but at least he was able to get ten O’s from his VIPs. Maybe he fought with his friends constantly and did some fucked up things, but even that was better than being this useless shell of human he doesn’t recognise as himself anymore.
One day he will get kicked out of here, too. He’s a crack in their perfect home and Sirius has a history of ruining families. Nobody wants to deal with you. You’re too difficult, not worth the problems you cause.
The door opens and he can hear James’s voice. “Pads?”
Sirius doesn’t answer, he just keeps staring at the wall. It doesn’t discourage James - he climbs into bed and wraps his arms around Sirius. He has seen it before and is the only one who isn’t afraid to approach him uninvited. Sirius is thankful about it; he is unable to ask for it, but he really needs someone to be there when he starts to spiral.
They are quiet for a while before Sirius says: “I really do wish they would have just killed me.”
It’s a painful thought that hasn't left his head since he ran. He’s tired of being scared of his own mind and trying to keep himself afloat when the future seems hopeless. It will never change, I am going to be like this forever.
James hugs him tighter. “I’m really glad they didn’t. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“I’m a bad person.”
“You’re not. I think you’re a good person, who bad things have happened to.”
Sirius doesn’t believe it but it means a lot to him that James thinks so. He craves people seeing how much he tries to be better than what he actually is, and is deathly afraid of the day when they finally unveil the truth that he is, at his core, defective.
Inmovable object (I don't like the characterization of Sirius as overly dramatic) vs. Unstoppable force (I hc him having bpd aka Dramatic Bitch Disease)
Do u have any headcanons or thoughtsTM about James as sirius’ fp?
Well I think that he is very lucky to have a fp whose life mission is to make him happy lmaoo. Not but seriously: James usually takes Sirius's side in things and they understand each other well so Sirius very rarely feels any kind of rejection from him. BUT!!!! When it does happen, it will lead to a fucking spiral. If James thinks Sirius has been too mean or gone too far, it must mean that he is a completely terrible person. Lamps will get broken.
Thinking of Jily from this point of view is interesting and also painful. Like even on the Wolfstar Universe TM where he is fully content on dating Remus, it is difficult to accept that he has to share James's love and attention once he gets together with Lily. I think Sirius and Lily become friends after a while and Sirius loves him, but there is also a deep rooted anxiety that Lily is going to undermine his position on James's life.
[Started as an ask for @plecotusauritus but it got out of control. This is a headcanon I will not ever compromise on - Sirius is one of ours. Comorbidity is another thing, but this stays right where it is.]
It's a terrible thing to enjoy this as much as I do, but BPD Sirius's relationship to James is truly the most painful thing I've ever read. This is a profound embodied feeling that most non-BPD people (probably) cannot experience. Sometimes being able to feel Beyond the Visible Spectrum is a curse, other times it's a blessing - and here it was both at different times.
I don't like the soulmate trope, but this is about as close as it can get with real world experiences (from the inside). Just having that unconditional love and acceptance when so much of the rest of the world sees your name or your face and immediately associates you with monsters. When they see your emotional regulation issues and immediately think you're a threat. When so much of the world thinks you're cold and even evil because so few people deeply matter to you enough, and your hatred for some people runs so incredibly deep.
Imagine the mess Sirius would have been leaving his birth family, who raised him even if they hated each other at the end - he canonically had a psychotic break when he was thrown in Azkaban. He went to James after he burned that bridge, and that's not factoring in the tolls of abuse he probably experienced. Plus there's the whole mess with Regulus, but this actually isn't about him (shocking).
Having someone hit absolutely every checkbox on your list so you just glue yourself to them, even if it's grotesque. Extremes are the name of the entire game, and James and Sirius were both still so young and living in a society in which mental illness seems to be handled by just throwing someone in Mungo's, never to be seen again. Personal ties were probably the only therapy he ever got, and we don't see Muggle diagnoses being thrown around in the canon text. It's not a named thing, just an experience, and James doesn't toss him aside or make him feel like a burden. He makes him legally family - he and James and Lily are parents together.
After James's death - which he feels responsible for! and is immediately unofficially convicted for because clearly he's insane! - he has absolutely nobody. Not really. And he's so lost in his head and with the Dementors that his rage and spite and loyalty to his godson are the only things he really has left. And when you've battled things far worse than depression in your head, it makes sense that the Dementors wouldn't affect you quite as much as someone who was both actually guilty and unprepared to deal with the Depths of Despair.
Again, extremes are the name of the game, and Harry staying safe was the last tie persuading him to keep that in check. Sirius would have hauled ass through the final battles of the second war if he'd been allowed to live - maybe that's part of the reason why he wasn't allowed to live. It would have been ruthless and ugly, especially if he thought Harry was dead. Remember, Sirius and Bellatrix are parallels.
My Marauders fandom shipping is a poly mess, but Sirius can never replace what he lost when James died. That peculiar level and type of attachment they built together, added with them growing up together, doing extraordinary prodigy-level experimental magic together, raising Harry together with Lily, going to war together...
That is the most deeply tragic relationship I've ever encountered in media - romantic, platonic, brotherly, or all of the above.
