#bpd.

[vposledniyraz]

I guess this is what happens when you fail to tell people that you're uncomfortable hearing about their love life. You're subject to every excruciating detail.

[kiraisei]

This is long overdue but right now I just don't know how else to go about it. so here is an explanation of whats going on and why I decided to leave for a while:

you deserver an explanation of what Ive been thinking for a while; I'm going to leave tumblr and maybe even discord. I've already dropped out of one server and I'm proceeding to just shut myself away from the online community.. I just don't know if I can do it anymore (or at least right now). And honestly I don't feel like I'm even worth it. I'm just an oddball out who's kind of a side character. NO ONE SPECIFICALLY HAS MADE ME FEEL LIKE THIS. All the people I have met here go above and beyond to support and love me. But my brain tells me its not true.

My BPD causes a great deal of insecurity and a severe fear of abandonment. I constantly compare myself to everyone and write out why I'm not good enough. I'm not funny like that person. I'm not artistic like they are. My characterization is nothing compared to them. This is what I do. And its such a toxic mindset for myself and I cant fix it because I don't know how. I get crazily overly jealous over the tiniest of things and again its not healthy. And I’m scared I might agitate and annoying people i love and care about due to this erratic jealous and insecure tendencies. I am very insecure and I always worry I overstep due to it.

I take medication. I go to therapy. I do everything to help myself and I can’t. I can't fix the way my mind keeps working. I can’t make myself stop. I can't not compare. I can't not cry over portrayals. I can't stop and I cant handle it right now.. I tell myself if I leave there's 50 others shadow role-players to fill the void. I don't think I’ll ever be good enough. I don't think ill ever fit in here. My life has been being the odd one out and I cant change it; trust me, I try. I try to get jokes I don't understand. I try to learn terms I've never heard. I jump into the fray with games and comics and art and everything everyone else loves because I want to fit in where I clearly don’t fit. And that’s a hard pill for me to swallow. I’ve always struggled on this site. I would watch my non mutuals interact with everyone I interacted with and it would kill me because I couldn’t interact. I don’t blame anyone for it. I get why we do mutual only. I currently am Mutual Only. I get why, but it would drive me insane because it never stuck to the mind set of “this is for their health” it was always “its because I’m not good enough.”

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and I don't. I don't feel it. And I don't think I belong. I have self destructive tendencies and I hate it. I make myself unhappy thinking of everything bad rather then looking towards the positives. I try everything to make myself feel better about my portrayals and friendships and try to remind myself that I am a good person and I have made such amazing friends here. but then my head goes back to that same infinite loop of “no”

The friends I have made here is something I could carry forever. And I will. The people I have here are the people I know when and if I come back will be happy to see me. And they are the only reason I don’t ever just outright delete my blogs. I love these people. I can sit here and name every individual off but I won’t. my friends here are lifelines I will cherish forever. and its for their sake I need to walk away for a while because I don’t want to have an episode and accidentally say something that hurts ANYONE. I would never want to hurt anyone I have met here. You all mean the absolute world to me. I treasure you all and your friendships. but I am not stable. I am not stable enough to be here. 

I want to be better. I want to be stable. I don’t want to get jealous. I don’t want to have breakdowns. I don’t want to feel like I’m alone and that I just don’t fit in. I just don’t want to feel this way and I can’t get myself to stop feeling this way. And I hate it. With everything in my soul I hate it.

I love you guys and I hope you all can forgive me for leaving. ill be lingering on discord, though I might not be heavily active. I will lurk though. have a good night. and Im sorry again.

But right now this site just isn’t for me. this is my last post for now. i love yall.

[peachyyguts]

the beldam from coraline is dare i say a bpd mood at its worst

this is so accurate hhbsbb (im really sorry if you’ve had to experience this though, hope all is well! 💞)

[vposledniyraz]

So, we only chatted for like 10 mins before i had to get on the bus, then i got home and called him again. Then chatted for another 10, if even (and he kept asking me if I had seen his messages about his gal pal. Ugh.) And said he was going to sleep. Which was odd to me cuz it wasnt even midnight, and I know he stays up late. But anyway. Before he fell asleep he got comfy and I joked about him going to sleep early. He said "yea it's cuz I think L went to bed so I'm not gonna get a response from her" Oh OK. So you didn't rly wanna talk to me at all. Why would u tell me u wanted to talk to me, only to talk about someone else, and then tell me ur not staying up to talk to me. Like yea I was tired and shit but I did want to talk to him.

Trying not to be mad or upset or anything but it hurts so much.

[vposledniyraz]

He's hiding from me. Invisible on discord. Only replying to what he wants to. I hope he doesn't feel good. I hope he's having some sort of mental break. I hope he feels what I feel 24/7.