and in the end I just sit on my bed
doing nothing
enjoying the bittersweet icecream-bowl on my lap
sweet bc hey… it’s icecream
and bitter bc I hate myself for every spoon, every sweet spoon on my lips my tongue inside my throat and finally where all the food I always out of frustration, anxiety, hate, wrath, envy eat
on my hips
my belly stretches to become even softer like a giant pillow
but every time I look in the mirror
I hate myself a little more
so I eat
then I hate again
then I eat
then I hate procrastinate sleep eat hate repeat
and I don’t even see the red anymore
dripping from the mirror
the jet black
sometimes I wish I could just take a knife
and draw iron scars on the soft cotton candy ball that is my belly
and still the ice tastes bittersweet
and I repeat and I repeat
what am I doing
WHAT. AM. I. DOING.
phase
dramatise
low standards
lazy
gosh why aren’t you even trying
stupid
are you okay
how can the flesh even contain
the wrath, envy
and still I feel so vain
I don’t try
gosh I don’t even try
cuz I can’t
yes you can
you just don’t
god plz just leave me all alone
you wouldn’t even hear my heart sobbing
cramped vestigial mutilated
I have no heart
I laugh
I cry
I want to sleep ages
or die
alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone aline
my thoughts
so odd
die die die
they say
have you seen this balloon head the chubby arms the giant chin the zits and scars outside within the stretch marks on my heart my skin no wonder no one’s coming in
peel my skin
from head to toe
from arms and face
still don’t feel whole
help
I cry
don’t let me die
leave me alone
I respond
I am okay
just need some time
please go away
it’s just a phase…
since a year
or two
who ever knew
she’d go this far
her wrists are full of nasty scars
she always laughed
some dark days
but she was
was
was
normal
mediocre it seemed
now death her redeemed
geez anyway
floating floating
in bittersweet cotton candy clouds
stuffing my eyes my ears my mouth
no scream no hush nor in nor out
choking on the privileged life
god gracious be thankful or you’ll never thrive
BE THANKFUL
choking on dry tears
tearing my hair
unheard scream
unheard unseen
through walls of glass
bloody knuckles from trying to escape
an inevitable fate
screaming screaming
fills my head
puking cotton candy on the glass
art
machines
art by machines
pretty pink cotton candy on glass
terrible fate
or critical sass
anyway move on
no time to watch
she has lil time left
crawling in reputed light
waiting for the higher might
oh fuck she died
how
gun, rope, pills
it gives me chills
all over paper screens
headphones celebrating the entertaining tragedy
ban phones, ban knives ban social media
ban school ban medics ban computers
they moan laugh scream
they all compete
but time’s passing
they again walk the streets
the shadows retreat
silently compete
who’s next
who’s the biggest uproar
who’s the most twisted, wicked
but still time’s passing in the same shade
turning round and round and round
and round
sighs of apathy emptyness
exhaling the color with every breath
until they will become too
a bloody mess
their flesh exposed
the fed up cotton candy inside
the sticky truth is pushed aside
the others black
clouds of never seen misery
sick and burning
twisting turning
inside out
oh no wait they got us
it’s all about attention
and better never mention
the hideous demons
cannibals monsters
no no i swear it’s just a phase
ignore the abyss in which I gaze
look those friendly burning eyes
looking back
I am no longer alone
choking
crawling out the hole
choking
grabbing my throat with insane and wicked grin
choking the light out of me
the grey spider
swallowing me whole
dry tears run down the ashen cheeks
limbs grow heavy
greeting death like an old friend
or a new lover
oh geez that’s soooooo emo
I laugh
probably right
poundering the soft skin
stupid stupid
biting the teeth
not able to laugh
memorizing all I was taught
don’t cause drama
hot salty pain running down to the chin
pain aching iron through the skin
help jk
