#brendiary

[the-bren-system]

Being a jacked cripple is so funny. Yes I've been doing lots of pushups and can lift up a heavy box if you need with my cool strong body. No, I can not run for more than 100 metres without nearly having an arrythmia because my blood vessels are stupid. Teehee smiles, giggles etc.

- Sonny

[kashidoodles]

Gonna start posting a sort of diary of thoughts and stuff I do each day (or when I can) as a way to keep track of my feels and eating disorder (?) Also to list productive things so I feel better about how much I do in a day. The tag will be BrenDiary and Personal, just so you guys know, if you wanna blacklist it. It will be a harsh mixture of positive and negative thoughts, many of which might be triggering to some, but I'll try to tag ehat I can :>

[the-bren-system]

I love that there's esoteric in-jokes that only exist between members of our system and/or a select few people who spend too much time around us. Greatest hits including:

"JARVIS, fill that man's pussy with cement."

"cringe ass nae-nae scorpion"

"Christ on a pinger!" as an expletive

"Sucketh upon my bollockums"

"stomper" and "stompette"

"penising around"

"your slutty, slutty pancreas"

logchamp (deeper cut, bogchamp)

Sarcastically and petulantly suggesting you do something cartoonishly violent followed by "see if I care"

- Sonny

[the-bren-system]

man my hearts breaking why would someone I love say to me "I hope this doesn't sound ableist", say something ableist, then get mad at me when I try and say calmly "oh thats actually a bit ableist"

Like. oh so you never cared if it sounded ableist. you was just saying that to cover ur ass. cause you dont love me at all cause none of u able bodied fucks love me and u all want me to apologise for being born just so u can feel superior. well u aint superior and the only thing I'm sorry for is loving u enough to hope u would listen to a disabled opinion on disabled issues

I'm never gonna stop saying it tho. Parents who birth and love and properly care for their disabled kids are good people theyre not bad parents and nobody should ever be expected to feel bad for having kids just bc their "genetics are bad" man fuck your eugenicist opinions. Able parents who love their disabled kids are radical and amazing fuck you. Love is good and eugenics aint suddenly cool just bc the genetics you hate are "causing pain" or whatever fantasy you made up in your headf.

Cause you know something I've been in pain nearly every day since I was 9 and I still dont think I should have been aborted cause thats a fucked up way to look at life. As if it aint worth nothing just bc theres more pain than usual. You dont get to tell me I should wish I wasnt born thats fucked up man!

- Daryl

[the-bren-system]

Things we're liking abt the House MD episode with a system patient so far: - The team using pretty accurate terminology, which isn't seen in a lot of representations (especially at the time) and referring to alters in a fairly respectful manner, adjusting to their styles of communication

- The use of hypnotherapy to gently induce switching (for the purpose of gaining information the host isn't aware of) rather than doing so forcefully using triggers.

- The trauma holding little alter is very believable, very much comes across as a small child and is able to recall traumas in detail that the host isn't able to fully recall (but communicates like a younger child) and it feels like a very sympathetic portrayal to me.

- Inclusion of the fact that in some systems, psychosomatic symptoms can happen in an alter that are related to traumas that caused them to split off (in this case, an alter experiencing a reaction to strawberries that is similar to a physical allergy because the taste is a trigger). This is something we really appreciate because some of our alters are very much like that too.

- There's even an inclusion of in-system dating, with one alter stating another to be their boyfriend. This is great - you rarely see this in fictional depictions.

- So far, the persecutory alter has only done things that were harmful to the body itself rather than acting needlessly vitriolic towards those around them. The persecutory behaviour was also distinctly written like a misplaced attempt at protection which tends to be the case with persecutors.

I'll keep adding to this as I watch.

- Agamemnon

[the-bren-system]

the worst kind of tics to me are the ones where muscles on my face just twitch for no reason like...

my right eyelid just keeps vibrating and shaking uncontrollably and its so damn uncomfortable and it comes with this little jolt of nerve pain and its so distracting even though it's so small

plus it's one of those things that's very visible and earns a lot of odd looks from strangers who don't understand that I'm just disabled... and they think I'm acting 'creepy' and refuse to consider why.

blegh I don't like being perceived by strangers at all. I just wish they'd stop staring at me like that when I'm just trying to exist while disabled. just leave me alone

and I'm tired of my body betraying me like. we're supposed to be friends, man...

- Bug

[the-bren-system]

Neurodivergent households are great when everyone's brain worms move in sync but if they're not it's difficult. BUT it's still worth it.

Rambling rambling rambling

Like... One of our housemates has a strong comorbidity between OCD and ADHD that causes her to live in a cycle of impulse and self-abuse and it took about 7 months of weekly conversations for us to convince her to get herself a bed frame. But it's taking even longer to convince her to get a rail for her clothing. (her clothes are in piles in the living room which is horribly overwhelming and causes things to get lost constantly)

And the thing is, you can't just confront someone abt self-sabotage or they'll double down on it. So we have to use more subtle methods to teach her how to allow herself basic comforts in life.

And we know enough abt her traumas to understand where it all comes from. It's difficult stuff that isn't her fault.

On one hand, it drives us insane bc her bad habits are extremely triggering. On the other, every time she makes a change for the better we feel proud of her.

Still, it's shocking how much help she needs. She's got a degree and a good job in her field, but still struggles to take care of herself. The amount of neglect that someone has to grow up with to end up like this... It actually is draining to think about.

The fact she got through University with these kinds of mental health struggles is impressive. The fact she landed a good ecologist job is impressive. I just wish she would let herself live in comfort instead of ruining her own life in small but severe ways twice a week.

Especially because it means the house is left in a state that triggers horrible emotional flashbacks in me. The last time I was living in a house that was this messy was when I was in a domestically abusive relationship, trapped in lockdown with an aspiring serial killer who used to make threats with knives and once gave me a serious ribcage injury. I don't need to be reminded of that situation 6 times a week. I don't need to feel deeply vigilant and angry every time I go downstairs to make a meal or something.

We're still focused on helping her bc being constructive is more practical. It's better in the long run to be helpful and to not get too angry. (we make an effort to manage our anger so we don't end up triggering more self-sabotaging from her, because if we act scary or whatever she will take it out on herself)

It's a delicate balance, you know, but when someone else is suffering really badly that means both of us have to adjust to each other's needs. She has to learn to stop sabotaging the household, we have to be patient in our approach so she can learn that.

We're learning to better help people who have grown up neglected, whole she's learning to understand and respect people who have been abused. We're building bridges, really, and building takes effort. She works on herself, finds more comfort with herself and also learns some perspective. We get to understand her, help her, and feel somewhat fulfilled about that.

People like me are naturally inclined to be more aloof and unserious and detached, people like her are more inclined to be self-deprecating and reckless, but we can both help each other to grow in different ways. Sometimes sitting down with her to give an emotional debrief and help her understand her own emotions and needs is enriching for us - it's an opportunity to use our analytical thinking in a helpful way and I'm glad we have the chance to help out.

I won't choose to blame her for the issues she's got; I'll sure as hell give her the advice and the tools she needs to get out of the mess she's in. I'll pass on the things I've learned the hard way so she doesn't have to learn them painfully. That's what found family means for traumatised people.

- Toby

[the-bren-system]

Just experienced the incredibly rare Good Nights Sleep event, undiagnosing myself with Ehlers Danlos immediately.

- Cole