Just some ASPD vent stuff under the cut I have to verbalise the emotional process to work through it blah blah blah
Why do I feel so annoyed when one of my housemates suggests that I should ask for things over text instead when we're straight up in the same house what is going on. I mean sometimes I would rather just... Ask for the music to be turned down face to face. And I do that because I like to talk to you. Is that okay? I mean, how can you reject that?
Why do people believe that introversion is misunderstood? The opposite is the case; people seem to think that extroversion, especially from anybody darker than the milk in their morning cereal, is scary and uncomfortable.
I prefer saying things to your face because I want you to feel comfortable and connected with me. And when you say "you can just drop a message in the group chat" it just feels like you're asking me to stay in my room while the rest of you are hanging out in the communal area without me. Why would you ask that of me? I like walking down into the kitchen to grab a cold drink and asking to your face if you can turn the music down. If you'd rather I hid away and never showed my face just say so.
Honestly it does feel like that's what they would prefer sometimes. For me to shut up and stay out of their way. Which is crazy because they only moved in recently and I've lived here for years - this was my house first! What the fuck.
Idk it just feels so weird when some white femme moves into my home, and I make an effort to integrate them into my home and then they start acting like they don't want me here. Fucking weird.
And I've been feeling unsafe with this person lately bc I tried opening up about some mistreatment I experienced from a white girl (she was a snow bunny who sexually harassed me for a year and it was very re-traumatising bc I was already recovering from rape trauma) their instinct was to make excuses for her and gaslight me into thinking I'm some sort of hypervigilant 'hotep' guy. "Are you sure that was her intention?" "I don't know if she really treated you like that just bc you're brown..." "Maybe she didn't realise, she has ADHD right?" Oh, yes. The classic ADHD symptom of... Being a weird race play snow bunny who comes onto brown men in a very fetishising and creepy way.
I guess it's just rlly frustrating to watch a white person who has said to me before "I hate the hippie scene sometimes bc there's so many undercover racists around" acting... Casually racist to me.
And truly, it really is "believe all victims" until the perpetrator is a white woman and the victim is a man of colour. Every fucking time.
And I guess I'm tired of being able to see through it. I'm sick and tired of knowing exactly how these people see me, and not having half the social power required to be able to comfortably call it out. Because if I call it out, I'm proving their perception of me as some 'crazy hypervigilant cancelmonger' right. This is how white supremacy carries itself on in queer spaces - white femmes having the power to weaponise their mild discomfort to start moral crusades against queer POC. It makes me feel ill.
And the thing about ASPD is, everyone who understands it properly knows that injustice, frustration and hurt are some of the emotions that are overwhelming and hard to cope with for us. We're not good at gritting our teeth through smaller acts of cruelty because every act of cruelty feels so massive. It very time a white person is dismissive, or rejects the very communicative and friendly side of me, it combines and merges with all the racism I've experienced before and lances me right through the fucking heart. God, it's genuinely so overwhelming. Can I just be treated normally please? I haven't done anything to hurt or offend this person; I've gone out of my way to be really nice and open.
I just love people I love socialising I love connection. So why do a significant number of white people hold me at arms length and just treat me like some kind of caged animal? I want to know you because I love you, I love the majority of people! I have so much love to give but you don't want love from a brown person with a flat affect who talks a bit funny and has a slightly weirder brain than you. Fuck off, man! Fuck off.