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Alright bozos so. I'm Agamemnon (shortened to Anon by some of our friends) and I'm the new host now for some reason. Not really sure what's going on but apparently Sonny's time as host was over for whatever reason, and for reasons even less clear I now have to perform that role.

Not sure what to think about it yet, but I'm settling into it slowly. It's just tricky and I'm not that great at keeping up with everything yet.

I am however way better at some things that Sonny used to struggle with. Funnily enough.

- Agamemnon

#brendiary #brensysinfo

I hate being too dramatic but. I feel baffled when someone who constantly signals their leftism is also like completely lacking in awareness abt disabled ppls basic existence. What do you mean you're "community-minded" but you can't stop stomping your feet really loudly around ppl with PTSD that's ridiculous. You don't think abt other ppl whatsoever but you think ur woke. Are you aware of how impossible that is

#brendiary #sort of grouchy abt this bc my housemate gave me palpatations and it made me so ill I missed a rlly nice social engagement

It's actually sooooo funny how one of my friends keeps using "sociopath" as a slur for ppl that have wronged them, with a bit of dehumanisation on the side, when I literally clocked their ASPD-coded traits a year ago but I can't say anything blatant abt it bc obviously Cluster-B self awareness doesn't work if the person isn't already feeling introspective and open minded enough to receive that info. So I just have to sit there trying really hard not to smile too widely.

Like okay. You default to calling ppl who hurt you sociopaths and you use the whole 'they love to act like they are human' line. But you're ALSO consistently defiant, prone to frustration and anger, holding grudges a long time, vengeful, extremely particular, rarely seem to display remorse unless it's strictly rational to feel that way, prone to mischievous impulses. Which could mean nothing of course. It means nothing.

- Sonny

#brendiary #actually aspd #Cluster-Bs often react strongly to seeing the traits in someone else bc it reflects something abt ourself we aren't so comfortable with #But also not very good at noticing it in ourselves until we've achieved some introspection #So more often than not if someone frequently shits on borderlines and sociopaths with little prompting...#The call is coming from inside the house #And it's the most hilariously ironic thing to me #I can tell someone's got antisocial traits quite easily bc like. I see you I am you #So I just have to sit there feeling like sherlock holmes having just deduced something he can't actually say out loud

unorcadox

(You’ve chosen to not remember this part.)

So fucked up waking up at like 4am sweaty and angry bc I had yet another nightmare abt my mother I mean it's less frequent than it used to be but why does healing have to be so painful.

It wasn't even the torture or the sexual abuse I dreamt about it was just her purposely winding me up and playing mind games with me and gaslighting me and making me feel confused and insane. Sometimes that shit was even mroe traumatic than the rape and torture which is crazy I know.

- Bug

#brendiary #did #abuse mention

Okay having 7/10 pain from the sublux in my hip feels a lot less agonising when I've got a boyfriend co-fronting to accompany while I'm bedbound. Mmmmm I love him

- Agamemnon

#brendiary #did #traumagenic system

Why does being raped as a little kid mean you also have to get violated in other ways over and over for the rest of your life bc all of the symptoms you have from it make you worthless and subhuman to everybody

- Josh

#brendiary #vent #child sexual abuse #cptsd

Genuinely it's not fair when I've got to deal with being disabled, to also have to deal with housemates being inconsiderate of the fact I'm disabled it's like. Read the room bitch my hip is trying to fall out of its socket do you really think telling me "Oh your boundaries totally slipped my mind" is going to make your shitty behaviour go away? Sort yourself out.

I already have horrible physical pain right now I don't have the energy to deal with able-bodied people just treating my concerns and my desire to feel safe like they are optional. CPTSD isn't just a minor inconvenience. This person's behaviour caused me to have a very uncomfortable panic attack for the first time in MONTHS. I already communicated which behaviours are triggering in no uncertain terms and STILL she decided to throw a big party and bring a bunch of drunk people into my house without getting my permission. It's not like she owns the place! I literally pay more of the rent than she does?? Where is the respect?

It seems entirely unfair that I had to kick out one housemate for sexually violating me and now I'm having to explain to the new one why it isn't okay to be inconsiderate of my symptoms like what the fuck. Being sick is bad enough why can't people be decent enough to do the bare minimum to respect me and treat me like a person.

It really feels like there are way too many people who talk a big game about being punk and progressive but then feel entirely comfortable moving into a disabled person's house and causing a lot of destruction to the space. I just don't fucking understand why my humanity isn't apparent to these people.

It's my fucking house first! I'm paying for more of the rent than anyone else. Most of the fucking furniture in the communal spaces is mine, either bought or personally salvaged and fixed up. This is my HOME. It's not just some fucking shit hole for her to trash over and over again. And if I simply ask for respect I should be granted that.

I'm tired!! Fucking tired. I don't give a shit if she thinks throwing parties late into the night is "really punk" or not. She chose to move in with disabled people! She chose this. Disabled people are not fucking pets that just wander around sometimes. We actually are human beings with unique needs. How is this so hard to grasp.

The fact I might have to live this way for the rest of my life feels nearly as bad as the actual traumatic shit that caused all of these illnesses to get this bad.

My daily struggle isn't just being in pain it's not just being exhausted and sick and feeling miserable inside. It's dealing with fucking abled people and their lack of respect. Seriously.

- Roy

#brendiary #vent #ableism

Not having a connective tissue disorder must be awesome. What do you mean you can blow your nose and no blood comes out? That's crazy.

- Anon

#ehlers danlos #lol we're just recovering from a cold #1. having a cold with higher testosterone in ur body really really hurts #they were not this bad when we were a kid they last longer and hurt more now!!!#2. I can blow my nose maybe 2/3 times before it starts coming out with blood #consistently since childhood bc why do my blood vessels have to be so bad at being vessels #they have one job and that is to keep blood inside them

Just some ASPD vent stuff under the cut I have to verbalise the emotional process to work through it blah blah blah

Why do I feel so annoyed when one of my housemates suggests that I should ask for things over text instead when we're straight up in the same house what is going on. I mean sometimes I would rather just... Ask for the music to be turned down face to face. And I do that because I like to talk to you. Is that okay? I mean, how can you reject that?

Why do people believe that introversion is misunderstood? The opposite is the case; people seem to think that extroversion, especially from anybody darker than the milk in their morning cereal, is scary and uncomfortable.

I prefer saying things to your face because I want you to feel comfortable and connected with me. And when you say "you can just drop a message in the group chat" it just feels like you're asking me to stay in my room while the rest of you are hanging out in the communal area without me. Why would you ask that of me? I like walking down into the kitchen to grab a cold drink and asking to your face if you can turn the music down. If you'd rather I hid away and never showed my face just say so.

Honestly it does feel like that's what they would prefer sometimes. For me to shut up and stay out of their way. Which is crazy because they only moved in recently and I've lived here for years - this was my house first! What the fuck.

Idk it just feels so weird when some white femme moves into my home, and I make an effort to integrate them into my home and then they start acting like they don't want me here. Fucking weird.

And I've been feeling unsafe with this person lately bc I tried opening up about some mistreatment I experienced from a white girl (she was a snow bunny who sexually harassed me for a year and it was very re-traumatising bc I was already recovering from rape trauma) their instinct was to make excuses for her and gaslight me into thinking I'm some sort of hypervigilant 'hotep' guy. "Are you sure that was her intention?" "I don't know if she really treated you like that just bc you're brown..." "Maybe she didn't realise, she has ADHD right?" Oh, yes. The classic ADHD symptom of... Being a weird race play snow bunny who comes onto brown men in a very fetishising and creepy way.

I guess it's just rlly frustrating to watch a white person who has said to me before "I hate the hippie scene sometimes bc there's so many undercover racists around" acting... Casually racist to me.

And truly, it really is "believe all victims" until the perpetrator is a white woman and the victim is a man of colour. Every fucking time.

And I guess I'm tired of being able to see through it. I'm sick and tired of knowing exactly how these people see me, and not having half the social power required to be able to comfortably call it out. Because if I call it out, I'm proving their perception of me as some 'crazy hypervigilant cancelmonger' right. This is how white supremacy carries itself on in queer spaces - white femmes having the power to weaponise their mild discomfort to start moral crusades against queer POC. It makes me feel ill.

And the thing about ASPD is, everyone who understands it properly knows that injustice, frustration and hurt are some of the emotions that are overwhelming and hard to cope with for us. We're not good at gritting our teeth through smaller acts of cruelty because every act of cruelty feels so massive. It very time a white person is dismissive, or rejects the very communicative and friendly side of me, it combines and merges with all the racism I've experienced before and lances me right through the fucking heart. God, it's genuinely so overwhelming. Can I just be treated normally please? I haven't done anything to hurt or offend this person; I've gone out of my way to be really nice and open.

I just love people I love socialising I love connection. So why do a significant number of white people hold me at arms length and just treat me like some kind of caged animal? I want to know you because I love you, I love the majority of people! I have so much love to give but you don't want love from a brown person with a flat affect who talks a bit funny and has a slightly weirder brain than you. Fuck off, man! Fuck off.

- Sonny

#brendiary #vent #Just ASPD and racial pain here nothing particularly new #Genuinely the experience of having a PD is so much more harrowing when you have dark skin. It's so horrific #These people probably see my behaviours in white ppl all the time and tolerate it. But they won't tolerate me #And I know that because all my lived experience so far has taught it to me #It's an open secret that neurodivergence is tolerated more in people that are closer to whiteness #And for those of us who are brown or black every symptom becomes a “behaviour”

We're dumping a lot of thoughts on here today but only bc we're feeling introspective in a rlly good way lmao. Hooray for taking time to do your therapeutic healing.

- Agamemnon

#brendiary

I'm aware that being so protective of my lucidity and freedom is unusual. Growing up in an extremely controlling environment is inherently unusual. So of course the resulting personality will be as well.

If me insisting on some degree of independence at all times comes across to someone as a threat it's because they'd prefer it if I wasn't free and lucid. They prefer seeing people relinquish their autonomy to others. And I'm the weird one? I just don't buy it. I'll never understand that.

No, I don't want to get married. Because it comes with joint ownership of all personal property and the thought of that doesn't appeal to me. No, I'm not possessive or demanding of my sexual partners. Their autonomy and my own are both a vital priority for me. Why is that so odd to others? Why is that such a problem to them? Sorry for being a reasonable and rational person. If you're less rational it's okay but don't try to force me into a mould that was made from your specific shape. I'm satisfied with the shape I am and have learned to appreciate its contours.

- Agamemnon

#brendiary #actually aspd #aromantic

I'm starting to realise that the fact other ppl my age normalising age regression too much probably bothers me for a specific reason. It's bc I'd rather they were more discreet abt it. Because it's triggering for me. Like if it works for you that's great but wwhew please use tagging online and IRL please read the room first.

Bc being real it's not good for survivors of abusive groups. For you, returning to your child state is freeing. For us it's horrifying. For you it's emotional catharsis and liberation but my childhood was not liberated whatsoever. I was never free until I was an adult. Not everyone shares your specific privileges.

It's not that doing it is a problem. It's just that you should at least let ppl know before you do. Consent is the issue. I want to know in advance so I'm mentally prepared to see a person regress their mental state - otherwise it brings up horrifying emotional memories.

I'm so glad that others are finding therapeutic coping strategies that work well for them. I just can't handle being blindsided by it. Suddenly seeing someone babble and call themself a "goo goo baby" without any warning whatsoever just. It's not their fault but it's so uncomfortable.

- The Baron

#brendiary #vent #cptsd #it's literally just a me thing #I need to be in control of myself the majority of the time I need autonomy to emotionally survive #Bc I was deprived of it for so long #Relinquishing autonomy is a taboo that was broken in me forcibly so it can never be liberating #So happy for you if you're lucky enough to not have this problem. I'm not I never was that lucky #But for. Me relinquishing control being submissive and overtly vulnerable for longer stretches of time...#Still something I'm working through mentally and this is why consent is important. So I can avoid it when I need to #I just don't like seeing someone in that state it makes me nervous it's scary it reminds me of the people who were abused in front of me #It reminds me of how she would infantilise them so she could make them do whatever she wanted #Put them down. Make them feel stupid and pathetic. I can't stand it #Again it's a me thing. That's all just my own flashbacks talking. But Man sometimes managing my flashbacks means...#Telling people to be more diligent with their consent practice so I don't see that stuff without prior warning. So I can mentally prepare me #Needed to put these thoughts into words to process them it's important. Writing is important for my thought process #I hope one day I can just be happy for others without feeling the nervousness #But urgh my brain still associates long-term submission with horrible things #Which is no surprise really. She made one of them beat their daughter for her own entertainment no joke.#She brainwashed a mother into beating her own daughter. And it still fucks with me so bad bc it's so horrifying #If ur reading this tho that mum is in therapy now and recovering from the ordeal and the daughter is too #And I'm relieved for them I really am neither of them deserved that #Nobody deserves to be dominated so badly by an abuser that they're tricked into conflict with the ones they love #Turning an otherwise loving family against each other is one of the most evil things she did #So yeah I'm still struggling with the repercussions of witnessing so much mind control (and experiencing it obvi)#I think that I just feel so intensely liberated by being lucid and in control that giving that up scares me #So I get nervous seeing ppl do that #It's also the reason that I never used psychedelics that often when I was a substance user.#And always in smaller doses. Bc I needed some lucidity to feel good #Is this why so many of our frequent fronters also lean dominant in relationships? Definitely

I love that there's esoteric in-jokes that only exist between members of our system and/or a select few people who spend too much time around us. Greatest hits including:

"JARVIS, fill that man's pussy with cement."

"cringe ass nae-nae scorpion"

"Christ on a pinger!" as an expletive

"Sucketh upon my bollockums"

"stomper" and "stompette"

"penising around"

"your slutty, slutty pancreas"

logchamp (deeper cut, bogchamp)

Sarcastically and petulantly suggesting you do something cartoonishly violent followed by "see if I care"

- Sonny

#brendiary #did #system communication

I think what's really annoying is that I'm more perpetually tired in recovery than I was when actively being traumatised.

Yeah it makes logical sense: active trauma keeps you in survival mode so exhaustion becomes a delayed response yes.

But then that makes a nasty kind of soup when combined with generational workaholic tendencies? So the instinctive reaction in CPTSD brain is like, "Well I was more productive when I was constantly scared." And the capitalism hustlegrind culture doesn't help with that.

Which means that logical brain and trauma brain are in disagreement.

So it is kind of a massive pain in the cock.

- Sonny

#brendiary #did #cptsd

man my hearts breaking why would someone I love say to me "I hope this doesn't sound ableist", say something ableist, then get mad at me when I try and say calmly "oh thats actually a bit ableist"

Like. oh so you never cared if it sounded ableist. you was just saying that to cover ur ass. cause you dont love me at all cause none of u able bodied fucks love me and u all want me to apologise for being born just so u can feel superior. well u aint superior and the only thing I'm sorry for is loving u enough to hope u would listen to a disabled opinion on disabled issues

I'm never gonna stop saying it tho. Parents who birth and love and properly care for their disabled kids are good people theyre not bad parents and nobody should ever be expected to feel bad for having kids just bc their "genetics are bad" man fuck your eugenicist opinions. Able parents who love their disabled kids are radical and amazing fuck you. Love is good and eugenics aint suddenly cool just bc the genetics you hate are "causing pain" or whatever fantasy you made up in your headf.

Cause you know something I've been in pain nearly every day since I was 9 and I still dont think I should have been aborted cause thats a fucked up way to look at life. As if it aint worth nothing just bc theres more pain than usual. You dont get to tell me I should wish I wasnt born thats fucked up man!

- Daryl

#brendiary #vent #ableism tw #eugenics tw

Honestly I specifically love being in our room bc we can have our internal conversations out loud and that makes a huge difference when it comes to organising our thoughts.

- Sonny

#brendiary #did #system communication

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