#britishpsycho

[britishpsycho]

It wouldn’t feel good

I think about it all the time. Getting a pet just to kill it. I don’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. I know it wouldn’t feel good. It wouldn’t feel bad either. I just wouldn’t be bothered, and it’s the not bothered I don’t want to feel. I think the slope would become slippery and that’s a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down.

[britishpsycho]

I hate my niece

She’s an utter moron. They tested her IQ, it’s 50, which makes her clinically retarded, but yeah she’s a mong.

She’s 10 years old, she asked me how long it was to Valentine’s Day so I said, “let’s work it out. How many days are in January?”

She didn’t know. So I told her 31, but today was the 14th, so she had to take 14 away from 31.

Her first guess was 7, the 24, then 10. So I said, ok just take 10 away from 31, and she couldn’t do that either so she went into a strop. She can’t do any simple maths, can’t even do her 2 times table in her head, she has to count on her fingers.

To put this in perspective my 4 year old nephew can count to 100, and my 6 year old nephew can do his 2, 5,10, 9, and 11 times tables in his head.

And she can’t be bothered to even try. I’ve bought her countless books, spent hours going over basic stuff that every 5 year old knows but she can’t grasp. She’ll just guess random numbers then give up with maths. Then with writing she’ll just do squiggly lines instead of writing the letters.

I have almost infinite patience so if she was at least trying I wouldn’t resent her so much, but as it stands she’s just a fucking idiot.

[britishpsycho]

Stand up and be counted

Recently, I gave stand up comedy a go. People always have said I’m funny and quick witted and the response has been positive. I’ve done half a dozen gigs so far and people love it.

Just got an agent who’s talking about booking me on a panel show. I’m just starting to get a little bit excited about it, because it’ll be a great chance to show off.

I realised one night that comedians were just funny people like me, they love the showing off, and how I know people who think they’re hilarious but they’re not and who laugh at their own jokes.

There’s a guy who I’ve seen in mock the week a few times who does it and I can’t help but think how much better I am at it than him.

I think I might enjoy this change of scene.

[britishpsycho]

Sanity slippage

I’m in my room, watching a documentary about holocaust denial on YouTube. I pause it to start looking up concentration camp tattoos.

I read an article about a grandson having his grandfathers camp number tattooed on his arm. I think this is a bold sentiment, I like it. I start thinking about what it would be like to have something like that passed down in generations. I start thinking about twists of fate.

Then I take a deep breath and something that feels like a memory surfaces.

A dark place, lavender coloured smoke, a light, im suffocating and I can’t breathe. No matter how hard I try to suck, I can draw no oxygen into my lungs.

My eyes open and I’m in my bed again. I think, ‘Of course, that was one of the times I died’ - and my brain tells me I’ve died many times, and then relived my life. The same life over and over. Reliving different choices. Different decisions. Replaying the same life over and over. Like The Matrix meets The Sims. And I truly believe this to be true.

I grab my phone and begin typing out how it feels, as I think this may be one of those times when I’m insane and want to document it.

For science.

[britishpsycho]

Tell me I am not cute af by text message.

[britishpsycho]

I hate meds

I’ve been on 60mg of fluoxetine for a while now and I think I’ve finally settled on them.

It’s completely killed my sex drive.

I was only just starting to figure out my sexuality and gender issues, now I’m just so fucking numb to everything.

I always thought I had a high sex drive, I could masterbate several times a day with just my imagination, no porn.

Now even with porn and electronic help I struggle to even reach orgasm, and when I do it’s weak af.

Thing is, I know I’m better on meds. I mean I know that it makes no difference at all to my aspd, but it helps with my ocd, and other mental illnesses.

But I do hate that I can’t get horny anymore.

Now I don’t have masterbation to distract me I fantasise about killing a whole lot more. I spent 3 hours yesterday thinking about whether I’d prefer to suffocate someone or poison them.

My house mate is a drunk. I know I could easily make something look like a drunken accident. I just go back and forth on whether or not that would create financial problems for me.

[britishpsycho]

The opposite of a feminist is an arsehole

So I used to frequent a gaming cafe in the big town beside mine, and I’d often pop in for food and coffees on my own as well as bringing friends. I’d pop in frequently after my therapy sessions and have a casual chat with the owner as she also suffers with mental health issues.

The last time I went in there she asked about how the sessions were going and I explained that we’d had a group session about learning to cope with panic attacks and how to reduce the symptoms.

Her: I could use something like that, I had a terrible panic attack the other night when I found out that Beliebers were a thing.

Me: (figuring she was being hyperbolic for the sake of comedy as surely all the beliebers are in college now...)

Yeah, I had a similar thing when I found out men’s rights activists cut all the female characters out of Star Wars. Because they don’t like women.

Her Boyfriend: (suddenly appearing from nowhere) Well actually they had very valid points! All the women in the movie were whores!

Her: Yeah, they were just hussies!

Her Boyfriend: yeah and there were way too many girl scenes in it anyway.

I swear to fucking Raptor Jesus this is what they said. So after explaining why they were both wrong about their arguments, and I’d finished my coffee, I left and decided I wasn’t going back. Why the hell would I give my money to people who dislike women, when I could go to the Costa over the road and get loyalty points.

I happened to run into the cafe owner today, and she started asking me why I stopped going in to the cafe, so I told her. When I repeated the above conversation to her she looked at me like I’d grown three heads and told me that for a woman I was far too opinionated and domineering.

Not the first time I’ve been called that. My gay cousins boyfriend, who wears more make up than I do, speaks in a higher voice, but is also spending £300 on a toupee because he went bald at 22, told me that I’d never get a man because I was too domineering and opinionated.

[britishpsycho]

Fun facts about British Psycho

Someone asked me if I thought I was special.

The answer is yes, yes I do. But for many reasons, which I shall share with you, because I like making lists. Lists are fun.

• I have an IQ of 138

• I have a near photographic memory

• I can speak conversational Spanish, French, and German. If you dropped me in China or Japan, I’d get by with my basic Mandarin and Japanese, I can also say a few basic phrases in Greek, Russian, Bulgarian, Hebrew and Urdu.

• I can read music, and play the piano, the ukulele, the violin and drums. I used to play the tenor horn too, but I’ve lost my umbrusher.

• I have two degrees.

• I’ve been published for poetry, fiction and non fiction in books, magazines, and websites (paid stuff, not blog stuff.)

• I was trained in ballet, tap and ballroom and had topped out in my certifications by the time I was 17. Though because of that I’ve got arthritis in my knees and spine, and I’m only in my early 30’s. But my legs look fan-fucking-tastic.

• I’m colourblind, a type which only effects 0.001% of women. So, yes that makes me feel special.

• And I am proud of being a female psychopath, as we are rare, and that makes me feel special too.

There’s nothing wrong with being proud of what makes you unique and special. No matter how big or small. If you have webbed toes, you’re left handed, you’ve got an awesome haircut, whatever.

Everyone deserves to be proud of who they are, because you are the only one of you to exist, to ever exist. The only one to have your thoughts, your memories, your abilities, or your disabilities.

You can feel sorry for yourself, you don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad. Every part of you made you who you are. Life is short, don’t spend it apologising for who you are. Embrace it.

You might be unhealthy, you might be fit as fuck. You might be book smart, you might be able to sing all the words ‘All Star’ without fucking up. Maybe you can ride a bike with no hands, or sit through high school musical without falling asleep. Maybe you’re partially deaf, or born with one leg. Maybe you look like Lilly Depp, or maybe you look like Lena Dunham.

It doesn’t matter, because you should always be proud of who you are. Warts and all.

And remember, I do not give a tiny little fuck about any of you. But you should. Don’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks of you. Yours is the only opinion that matters. If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, then you’re the only one who can change that.

A wise man named Arnold Rimmer once said, “Friends are only friends when it suits them.” I find that true more often than not, so I appreciate myself for who I am, and not what the world thinks of me, because the face I wear to the rest of the world is a disguise.

I’m still proud of who I am. I just don’t want to get locked up for it.