The lights switch on in the evening
as if waiting for someone’s return home
From which I turn away in haste
I pretended not to notice
the hand I was offered
But I could feel its gaze on me
I find myself at the whims of
love and affection and all that is intangible
A waste of time is what they are
I tell myself
I do nothing but watch as words and emotions
keep piling up, left unexpressed
The rain began to fall
The throng of people saunter
as if dictated by someone’s pace
I jostled through them in haste
The wall I leaned against
felt excessively lifeless
Robbing my body of warmth
I find myself hampered by
love and affection and all that is intangible
A waste of time is what they are
I tell myself
Save myself the chase for warmth I can't caress
So that I don’t lose more than I already have
Drenched in rain as I am
I find myself at the whims of
words and emotions and all that is intangible
A waste of time is what they are
I tell myself
Save myself the pursuit for tenderness I can't perceive
So that I don’t lose more than I already have
Better this than looking back and being reduced
to a stumbling mess, unable to walk steadily
whenever something I’ve cast aside passes me by
I've had enough of yearning for
love and affection and all that is intangible
only to trip and fall down
The rain shows no sign of letting up
ROMAJI:
Yuugure tomoridasu akari ga
Dareka no kaeri wo matteiru you de
Ashibaya ni se wo muketa
Kizukanai furishita
Sashinoberareta te ga
Kocchi wo miteiru ki ga shita
Kokoro da toka ai da toka
Katachi no nai mono bakari ni furimawasarete
Kudaranai kudaranai
Sore de ii
Hakidasenai mama furi tsumotteku
Kotoba mo omoi mo nagameru dake
Furihajimeta ame
Yukkuri nagareteku zattou ga
Dareka no hohaba de ugoiteru you de
Ashibaya ni toori nuketa
Yorikakatta kabe ga
Yake ni mukishitsu de
Taion wo ubatte iku
Kokoro da toka ai da toka
Katachi no nai mono bakari ni ashi wo torarete
Kudaranai kudaranai
Sore de ii
Furerarenai ondo wo sagasu yori
Mou kore ijou nakusanai you ni
Ame ni nureta mama
Kotoba da toka omoi da toka
Katachi no nai mono bakari ni furimawasarete
Kudaranai kudaranai
Sore de ii
Me ni mienai nukumori sagasu yori
Mou koreijou nakusanai you ni
Sutesatta mono bakari
Toori sugiru tabi ni furikaette
Umaku aruke nakunaru kurai nara
Kokoro da toka ai da toka
Katachi no nai mono wo motomete tsumazuku no wa
Mou takusan da
Tomose: ……I’ll take you somewhere you won’t have to end things like this.
I swear I’ll get you there.
So…
Someday, let’s leave this town together, Yuhang.
I was saved by the warmth of that hand, and came to know of the sins of my own.
Tomose is here now because the life he should have lived was unjustly taken from him. This wouldn’t have been possible otherwise.
“If I continue to repent, perhaps I can still find salvation.”
I thought nothing of that.
Because I believed that I was unforgivable.
Yuzuru: Good work today.
Yu: You’re still here?
Yuzuru: I just finished up, so I’m about to leave. How about you?
Yu: Same here. The sauce needs to be cooled a little more before I can put it in the fridge. I’ll be done after that.
Yuzuru: Oh, meat sauce. It looks delicious.
Yu: Are you hungry?
Yuzuru: Ahaha, I’ll admit that I’m a bit peckish….but it’s fine. It seems like the rain is just going to get heavier, so I’ll head home before it does.
Take care when driving home, okay?
Yu: I didn’t drive today. Tomose’s got the car.
Yuzuru: Oh, right. He took your car instead of one of the company’s for his investigation commission, didn’t he?
Is he back yet?
Yu: No. He’ll be back by tomorrow morning.
Yuzuru: Then it’s just you at home tonight?
Yu: Yeah.
Yuzuru: I’m glad I asked. In that case……
Yu: ?
Kise unhurriedly opens the fridge and begins taking things out from within.
Yuzuru: Um……Oh, maybe this? Here. Take this back with you.
Yu: What’s this?
Yuzuru: Chocolate.
Yu: Didn’t you buy this for yourself?
Yuzuru: I was originally looking to get a small thank-you gift for Yuragi, but I couldn’t decide and ended up buying too much for myself……I’ve got more in the office fridge, so feel free to take it.
Yu: ……I see.
(He’d have no problem eating it all if he went only slightly overboard. Did he buy that much?)
Yuzuru: Even if you’re not hungry when you get home, subsisting on cigarettes alone isn’t good for you. At least eat a little.
You tend to skip meals when Tomose’s not around.
Yu: (......Ahh. So that’s what this is about.)
I don’t have a reason to refute him, so I accept the blue box, which fits in the palm of my hand.
Kise nods and smiles, seemingly relieved.
After returning home.
Giving the room a once-over, I confirm that it appears the same as I left it this morning and head to the kitchen.
I open the box that Kise gave me. Inside there are four pieces of chocolate, the same blue that colours the package.
It’s a little too much, I think, while picking up a piece and chewing it.
Yu: (......Salt?)
Tasting an unexpectedly salty flavour, I turn over the package and find the words “Sea Salt” written there.
For some reason, I happen to think that Tomose would probably like it, the colour included.
Yu: (Salty chocolate, huh. If I added a bit more spice to make the aroma stand out, he might be able to enjoy it.)
(Playing it safe, it’d be star anise, cinnamon, five-spice……maybe some sansho pepper too.)
I put a second piece into my mouth while turning over multiple options for suitable spices in my head.
Adding the aromas from my memory to what I’m tasting on my tongue, a recipe easily comes together by the time I swallow down the melted chocolate.
I replace the lid of the box and reach for my pack of smokes.
Yu: (......It’s quiet.)
He’s not normally noisy, but without Tomose here, there’s almost no sound at all.
Beneath the whirring sound of the ventilation fan, I can faintly hear the rain.
Yu: ……
At times like these, I sometimes wonder if this is all a dream.
I wonder if when I awaken, I’ll be back in that town; back to being told not to doze off, maybe with a kick aimed in my direction, living the life I used to lead.
But if that were true, then when would this dream of mine have begun?
If it all began, say, when I first met Tomose, then I wouldn’t mind waking up.
If a life where he never met me could become his reality, he’d be better off.
He could sleep whenever he wanted, relish the food he ate, and live a life loved by his family. He’d have everything that made up the happiness he once felt.
Everything he would still have, if only I hadn’t been there that day, in that back alley.
???: …………?
……
“It’s dangerous here.” “Come out. I’m not mad at you anymore.”
A language I couldn’t comprehend, followed by words in English.
Yu: ……
(Click)
Those who are kind and say they aren’t mad at you do so because they’ve decided to kill you.
That’s what had been drilled into me about the people of that town.
So the instant he rounded the corner—without a moment of hesitation, I pulled the trigger.
(Bang)
(Whump)
Yu: ……?
The person who had fallen to his knees and collapsed was neither a member of the opposing organisation, nor someone of my own faction who intended to take advantage of the feud and eliminate me—but an unusually well-dressed man.
Yu: (……Ah.)
“Oh. Wrong person.”
That’s all that crossed my mind.
Even when my actual enemy, attracted by the sound of the gunshot, shot the woman who had been standing a bit behind the man because “she was with me”.
Even when, as a result, that child became the boss’s new “doll” and a denizen of that town.
I thought nothing of it.
Tomose: ……Uehh……hic…
Yu: ……
Almost every night, I would ignore Tomose as he stifled his cries and wept.
I believed that a person blessed with happiness such that he cried when deprived of it shouldn’t be playing the victim in front of me, who had nothing.
I went so far as to resent him, thinking he had stolen the last thing I had.
Without knowing a single thing about who I had stolen from, or how much I had taken.
Yu: ……
I haven’t told Tomose about what happened between me and his parents.
Sometimes I get the feeling that he knows about it all, but if he did, there’d be no reason for him to stay with me.
No matter how much I think, I still don’t understand. And yet here I am, forgiven, beside him.
Yu: (......But that’s fine for now. There are still things I can do.)
Tomose is strong.
The boy who once clutched at my clothes before finally closing his eyes can now sleep in a separate room from me.
He, whose sense of taste is almost completely gone, who couldn’t accept even a morsel of other people’s cooking, can now eat the food I make for him.
Yu: (Someday soon, he’ll be able to sleep alone. He’ll be able to enjoy his food regardless of who’s made it.)
I tap the end of my cigarillo onto the rim of a water-filled can.
Some of the fallen ash floats on the water’s surface, but before long, it sinks, as if chasing after the rest of it.
Yu: ……
The Tomose who needs me won’t last forever.
Just a little longer.
Yu: (......But for now, I still……)
And so I put it off, with the words I’ll say at that time remaining eternally undecided.
In this blue, idyllic “ordinary”, like a midday dream.
