#brokenmother

[broken-mother-blog]

I have sung this to my baby since I was pregnant

[broken-mother-blog]

The Beginning

I found out I was pregnant on November 5th, 2014  it was quite a shock seeing as how my boyfriend and I  had only been together for five months and in all honesty, I had a ticket to go back home  I didn't go when I found out I was pregnant so fast forward a couple of weeks and we told my boyfriends parents he will be now known as Maxx and his parents will be called Gigi and Pop. I should have known at this point that everything would be awful but I overlooked it Gigi announced my pregnancy on social media before I could even tell my family (also I was only 8 weeks pregnant at this time)  and that was just the beginning. 

Love A Broken Mother 

[cristalvargas-blog]

My thoughts

I use to feel so afraid of death, when would die ? how would it be ? would it hurt?. Not knowing what happens and knowing that every single one of us will die some day did scare me. I never though that living can be way more scary than death. Having to live after events that destroy our life! HAVING TO PHYSICALLY LIVE when part of me is gone. A part of me is  gone with my little baby boy and it doesnt matter how many times I cry, how much it hurts, the truth is that we don't physically DIE of pain. if we did so many parents like me would be dead right now. I carry the last moments he looked at me, the moments when my son trusted me, he believed that I COULD protect him, but I FAILED. I couldn't hold his hand because he would get so sick, he wanted me to carry him, get those wires and machines off him and I DIDNT Because I COULDNT. I feel so bad, I don't wish this upon anyone. God knows that I want to raise awareness, educate parents, people so that they won't ever feel what my son felt, what I am feeling right now. I know so many people tell me I am A GREAT mom but why did I not follow my heart and instead I listened to the drs. I couldn't denie Jaden a proper care because of a gut :( what if it really would've helped him like we all wished it had. OMG JADEN! I WISH THAT YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER DIED! I would have given you my life my sweet little boy. God I am so sorry for being weak. I close my eyes and I replay everything my son suffered. I suffer a lot but I wish to have a long life, I want to go with god when he wants me to go...as much as I appreciate life I am no longer scared of death. One day it will be my time to go and I will miss my family, friends but I will be in peace and with my little boy in heaven. I hope and pray that god keeps my children from harm, that he keeps giving me strength to go on until my time comes.