#bsd 121.5

[gothicmatter]

atsushi may have lost akutagawa's coat, the symbol of dazai's false promise for protection and a new beginning. but he saw akutagawa for who he really is, recognised him, protected him with his entire being, proved that he believes akutagawa deserves to live in the way akutagawa needs it conveyed to fully understand, with the act that akutagawa himself relayed it to atsushi. so wholly in the language akutagawa's heart speaks, just so akutagawa could feel it to that part of himself so innately him, that core which so deeply understands and believes in protection that it has no choice but resurface again in full bloom.

atsushi became the embodiment of what dazai's coat promised akutagawa. what is there left to return?

[starlightshadowsworld]

No because I love that the advice here is that Atsushi needs to feel strongly.

That what Fyodor and the Headmaster have berated and mocked him for is not a weakness here but a strength.

Atsushi who was told for years that crying was a privilege reserved for others. Atsushi who is so so traumatised and has felt pain so strongly he doesn’t know himself without it.

He’s being told that in order to move forward. In order to keep going and learn, you need to let yourself feel.

[starlightshadowsworld]

I truly don’t think for one second that Fyodor anticipated Atsushi trying to save Akutagawa.

He was toying with him the whole time and I assume believed Atsushi had given up all hope of fighting back.

Especially after ripping the page, his last hope to shreds.

For Atsushi to take a leap of faith seemingly out of nowhere, with nothing but a hunch to go off of to save Akutagawa from Gozen.

Yeah I don’t see that being in Fyodor’s cards at all.

And while I do think he’d recover from such a thing with a ah yes the tiger did this, my one equal who can match me in such a way.

I do think it will piss him off that someone he seemed so lowly and pathetic managed to outsmart him like that.

Because Atsushi figured it out from Fyodor’s mocking remarks towards him.

Not to mention that it was to save someone instead of himself which is something that Fyodor could never fathom.

And seems to actively looks down upon given his disgust towards Atsushi begging to save his friends not so long ago.

This right here wasn’t part of Fyodor’s plan.

He saved Atsushi from Gozen’s blade and quite clearly that the tiger was not to be struck with it. And yet Atsushi chose to take a hit never meant for him.

Whether or not Fyodor’s aware that Atsushi won’t be absorbed remains to be seen. But the information there is only accessible to Atsushi’s eyes only as it’s one exception.

Which makes it seems like Fyodor doesn’t have the answers here, but Atsushi does. And I know that more than anything would piss him off to no end.

In a way it reminds me of Dead Apple, with Fyodor playing the role of the Headmaster trying to keep Atsushi away from discovering the truth.

And just like then Atsushi has opened the doors to experience a past that was previously hidden from him.

[starlightshadowsworld]

Atsushi: The headmaster was a fire and brimstone preacher. But there are things that the orphanage don’t teach ya.

Atsushi: Dazai was a genius.

Atsushi: Kunikida commanded respect.

Atsushi: When they died they left no instructions. Just the Agency to protect.

Atsushi: Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes.

Atsushi: And we keep living anyway.

Atsushi: We rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes.

Atsushi: And if there’s a reason I’m still alive when everyone who’s loved me has died.

-Sword slash-

Akutagawa: Weretiger!

Atsushi, smiles: I’m willing to wait for it.

[starlightshadowsworld]

Concept:

I would love a moment where Atsushi accepts that he’s the one who knows what to do. That no one else but him has the answers.

That he’s the one who can make things right.

That this is his power.

That he’s the key and it always has been and always will be him.

And in that moment, the hallucination of Dazai vanishes from his sight. Leaving Atsushi all alone but for the first time in his life he’s not afraid to be.

Atsushi’s got this.

He just has to believe in himself like all his friends believe in him.

[starlightshadowsworld]

Concept: This moment (121.5) is the first time Akutagawa has recognised Atsushi since the boat.

The first time since the moment he died that he’s laid on Atsushi and known exactly who he is. Beyond some vague memory he couldn’t fully grasp.

Atsushi knew Akutagawa came back. But Akutagawa didn’t know that he got off the ship to safety. His only way of knowing was that Atsushi hadn’t been a vampire when they’d fought.

But there was always a possibility that Fukuchi could’ve killed him and not had him turned. Up until now Akutagawa didn’t know if he was successful back then.

He didn’t know if Atsushi managed to escape. He didn’t know if that victory had been rewritten.

If Fukuchi had followed through on his initial plan he would’ve hunted Atsushi down as he escaped. If he’d killed Atsushi without turning him Akutagawa wouldn’t even have known.

Akutagawa looks at Atsushi, cut in half and vanishing before his eyes. He stands there screaming his nickname with the cruel realisation that he succeeded then.

And yet still failed him.

[starlightshadowsworld]

Okay but this (chapter 121.5) makes that one line from the Season 5 epilogue sound even more unhinged to me.

It’s that moment where Akutagawa looks off into the distance all dramatic. And says “lets conclude the story Ouchi Fukuchi started.”

…You mean…killing you?

Or at least attempting to kill you and getting Atsushi instead but also not really…that’s where you wanna pick things up from?

This is not the time for a double suicide Akutagawa!

Granted this line is already unhinged given Fukuchi’s plan to kill but not kill the Agency that he’s continued on doing.

And I gave you the benefit of the doubt before Akutagawa but you have your memories back so what the fuck man?!

Unless it’s like oh let’s conclude his story which was to have him killed as was his plan…which is…what a way to say that.

Whatever way you take this line it is so unhinged.

[starlightshadowsworld]

No because Akutagawa when he’s at his most powerful, when he’s achieved “true strength.” That is the moment that he’s powerless to save not only hinself.

But also Atsushi.

Akutagawa got everything he ever wanted. And in the process he lost not only himself. But the person that mattered the most to him.

Atsushi didn’t just save his life then either, he bought his memories back. He saved him without even using his ability to do it.

And Akutagawa with all the strength he has can’t even reach him.