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How am I supposed to sleep when all I can think about is Atsushi finally getting to Ame-no-gozen's core and finding an ancient being, a powerful skill user capable of creating devastating divine weapons, and all he sees is a person.

A human.

A victim.

Someone who never asked for any of this.

Someone who after being imprisoned and used for a thousand years doesn't beg for their life or their freedom but their death.

Someone who blames themself for the wrongs of others and who apologizes over and over when it was never their fault.

And Atsushi sees himself.

Because Ueda is just like him. Abused and belittled, blamed and punished for the crime of being a skill user. For being born.

And Atsushi has to kill them.

To save everyone else, Atsushi has to kill himself. It's the very thing he's been wrestling with since the start of the story.

How am I supposed to be sane after that???

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in case anyone was curious. (it might not be 100% accurate, i did my best with the patchy notes)

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Akutagawa. You fought so hard. You did so well. You did your best. Until the end. Of every end. You were never a truly evil being, you were never simply deplorable. You were deserving of so much that life has not been able to give you, when life has taken so much from you. The one offer you had to actually be given something, it ended up just putting you through more hell. But did that hell raise you right? Was growing in that hell, fighting in that hell, going through that hell, worth it to be where you are now? Did you find that you have value to your life even if it has never been acknowledged? Because I do believe you have value in your life, for being you, for simply being Ryuunosuke, not for being a sword, a beast, or a pawn, but simply just as you are. When the world as in flames? You fought till the end. (55 minutes reference.) When an ally's life was threatened? You went against your orders to fight. (Saving Higuchi at the beginning reference.) When a girl with the same eyes as you was pleading for her death and vengeance? You helped her find value, even if it was not in the best of ways. (Kyouka.) When the person you despised but grew to understand so well was about to die? You sacrificed yourself. (Atsushi.) Life takes so much, and you wanted to just take back. But when life takes away your right to live with peace for yoursef? You must take your life back. Save yourself, Akutagawa. Like you saved all the others.

#bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd manga #bsd thoughts #bsd spoilers #bsd atsushi #atsushi nakajima #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #bsd Akutagawa #bsd akutagawa ryuunosuke #bsd chapter 123.5

Gnawing at the bars of my enclosure at these panels It's fascinating that Akutagawa stopped seeing Dazai as visions briefly and only saw Atsushi, as a symbol of learning to move on from "needing" Dazai and finding his power from within, to seeing Dazai again. I think being shown the vision (metaphorically speaking) by Ame-no-Gozen right as he's supposedly about to die is a metaphor of the final death of his past self that was entwined with Dazai, for him to be reborn as his new self. But also, unlike the first time after fighting The Guild when Dazai acknowledged that he was strong, Akutagawa here acknowledges that, yes, he fought hard, and it's a statement not a question. He knows he did, and doesn't need that approval. The vision he's seeing appears to be Dazai on the surface, but I think it could be Akutagawa's consciousness telling him that he's fought hard. It's also interesting that it's Dazai playing music of all things, and not, say, Akutagawa seeing another vision of when they were younger when either Dazai recruited him or when they were training. It's something calm instead, which I think also reflects how Akutagawa's starting to feel about himself. That internal strife he had about himself and by extension Dazai as his mentee, is fading away and he's learning to accept and find peace within himself.

#bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #bsd akutagawa #bsd spoilers #bsd manga spoilers #bsd chapter 123.5 #bsd 123.5 #i feel strongly about this panel omg - akutagawa tearing up #he knows he's worked and fought so hard #amenogozen stuff happening aside i'm so proud of akutagawa #i want him to find peace #thoughts

Oh Akutagawa the character that you are…

It’s interesting that the only two times we’ve seen Akutagawa cry is when he believes he’s failed someone. First, when his slum friends were killed/when Dazai ‘gave’ him a reason to live, and now here when he believes he’s going to die right after he failed to save Atsushi, his new reason to live.

Which is a stark contrast to his first death where he had smiled at Atsushi after having saving him.

It was already clear that Akutagawa’s self worth was practically non existent outside of earning Dazai’s approval. But now we’re seeing it transition to something almost resembling how it was pre mafia. Where after his friends died he basically saw no reason to exist, and went on a Suicide rampage like he did now.

Now, I’m not saying that Akutagawa doesn’t care about getting Dazai’s approval anymore because he clearly dose. But it looks like his character arc is going to be about shedding the toxic ideas/persona he got from the mafia and Dazai to instead become something more than that.

Someone who is more human than beast.

Also I’d be remiss to not point out the parallels to Oda and his death and how Akutagawa is becoming more and more like his mentor’s late friend. Which I’m sure Dazai is going to handle in a totally normally and not toxic way when he gets back from France and sees how his students have both changed in such a short amount of time.

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he envied atsushi

atsushi has desperately wanted free of his master, and he has been actively clawing his way away from the headmaster’s gaze

akutagawa wanted nothing more than for his master’s gaze to fall upon him once more, he wanted to run straight into the metaphorical burning building that atsushi is trying to escape from. this is him realizing that he’ll never make it there and he shouldn’t want to. this is him speaking to himself and finally acknowledging that yes, he fought hard… and it makes him cry. a final grace he extends to himself right before death in the form of a memory of atsushi, a peaceful piano melody, the words he always wanted to hear and the tears that never had the privilege to fall

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Dazai used to play piano in Port Mafia. Chuuya woud eavesdrop on him because he secretly enjoyed it, but never admitted it.

Dazai left the Port Mafia and no longer has the ability to play piano in the ADA, frankly because no-one knows about his talent (except Ranpo).

Sometimes those who were present at the time of Demon Prodigy, would still hear the familiar tune of the song he loved to play. Only now it would be subtle humming. As if hunting everyone. (Especially Mori. But it also brought a sense of nostalgia to him, so he never told Chuuya to stop)

(Chuuya hums subconsciously, so he has no idea why sometimes people would look around the corridors as if looking for a ghost. The echo is good in PM headquarters.)