“I’m not going to spend money on him!” Tobias yelled from the kitchen.
Severus flinched as his foot slipped on the stairs. He clutched the railing tighter, his heart pounding.
“Tobias-” his mother said, her voice trembling.
He crept reluctantly toward the entrance of the kitchen, pressing his back to the peeling wall.
“I am not going to send my son to a school for freaks, Eileen!”
“But he needs to–!”
A loud slap echoed through the narrow halls as Severus’s eyes snapped shut.
“Stupid woman,” his father spat at her as she started sobbing softly.
Eileen curled onto the floor pathetically, her shoulders shaking. Severus hastily ran for the stairs, but it was too late.
“SEVERUS SNAPE.” Tobias yelled, causing him to freeze once more.
“Father-”
Tobias grabbed a fistful of Severus’ hair and yanked him forward, lowering his voice to a dangerous growl. "You think listening to conversations makes you smarter, boy?”
Tobias threw him on the floor, his body trembling. His arm covered his eyes, waiting for the first blow.
...But instead he felt gentle tugs on his shoulder…
***
September 1st 1971
“Sev? Sev!”
Severus opened his eyes. His ears rang. His mind was fuzzy.
He let out quiet pants as he tried to steady himself. The shouting slowly faded into a chorus of muggles muttering amongst each other. The dark halls of his household turned into bright red trains. Eileen was no longer sobbing on the floor. Instead she was nodding absent mindedly to a chatty Mrs. Evans. Severus’s vision started to get clearer as he took a deep, shaky breath.
I’m not there anymore, he thought .
The tugging became more insistent.
“Severus!”
“What?!”
Lily’s round, rosy cheeks flushed as she pulled her hand away. Her dark red hair was pulled up with a white bow and her green eyes widened as she stared at him.
“Are you okay?” she asked, carefully. “You look overwhelmed.”
“Yeah, I-I’m fine,” he choked out, adjusting the bag strap over his shoulder.
They were standing in front of a pillar between platforms 9 and 10.
“This is it,” Severus said, his heart slowing. “We’re finally leaving.” Lily looked uneasy at the bricks, as if they had insulted her. “So… we have to run through it?”
“Well, that’s what mum told me.”
There were small beats of silence until her hand reached hesitantly towards him. “Can you hold my hand?”
“Huh?”
For a second, he thought Lily was mad, but he took note of the small, sheepish smile on her face.
Severus swallowed a lump in his throat. “Uhm–Y-yeah, yeah of course.” He hesitantly held out his hand and let it rest in hers. Her hand was small, soft, and filled with an foreign warmth that lifted the weight off of his shoulders. His arm slowly lost tension as he tried to get used to the feeling. It felt like they were standing there for so long, it almost caught him off guard when Lily dragged him by the hand, running into the brick pillar.
It became dark for a moment. The chatter of people stopped. Then a burst of light and color exploded in their faces, revealing the other side of the barrier.
There was a crowd of families, big and small. Mothers kissing their children goodbye, kids Severus’ age crying while hugging their fathers, teenage boys tossing a small golden ball with little gold wings, watching it spin around their heads.
Owls of every species flew over their heads and cats big and small curled around their feet.
Lily’s eyes brightened as she kneeled to pet a gray kitten.
Severus was on the other side of the barrier, he should’ve forgotten about everything. But Tobias’ voice still stubbornly gnawed at his mind, refusing to let go.
His mother, along with the Evans family, came through the brick wall.
Lily looked at him, asking for permission to leave him. When he nodded, she rushed over to her family. Her father and mother hugged and kissed her. Her sister Petunia, however, pushed her away…
Severus and Eileen’s eyes met. Her movements were mechanical as she walked with him near the Hogwarts Express.
Many adults Severus had met said he and Eileen looked alike, but he couldn’t see it. Eileen had hair that looked like feathers from a wet raven. Dark circles rimmed around black eyes, which were dull and delicate. And, despite the fact she was deathly pale, she was very beautiful. He presumed he had most of her features, but his greasy hair stuck up in stubborn coils and the only things imperfected his face was Tobias’s hooked nose and the gap between his yellowing front teeth.
Right next to him was a family. The son hugged the leg of his father, tears filling his eyes. The father lifted the boy and tossed him up in the air with him laughing with glee. The mother kissed her son’s face and the family held each other close.
His mother did nothing except stare at the train with an unreadable expression.
“Mum?”
Severus tugged at her arm.
“Mother.”
No answer.
He held back a sigh and put his hand back down.
The family's laughter next to him began to get louder. Severus stared at them as if he expected them to notice him. When they didn't, he scowled and dragged his luggage toward the train. Eileen didn't follow.
***
Severus set his luggage on the seat of the first compartment he found. He dug through it to find the robes that once belonged to his mother. They were big and wrinkled like elephant skin, but it was better than wearing worn-out muggle clothing. When he was about to un-zip his oversized jacket when he realized the door was open.
He sighed. But before he could close it, he looked down to see a furry black cat around him like it owned the compartment .
Severus blinked as he poked his head out to see if anyone would come to claim it. There was no one.
He looked back at the cat and kneeled in front of it. It had big shiny blue eyes that looked almost bored. The feline creature looked as if it were judging him and he judged it back carefully. His hand hovered over the cat’s head and its eyes widened.
“It’s alright,” he murmured softly.
The cat looked back at him and reluctantly raised its head in his palm.
Severus tentatively rubbed the fur between its ears, feeling the same warmth from Lily’s hand
The cat purred and raised its head more, which made the corners of Severus’ mouth lift a bit. “Are you lost?”
It laid its head on Severus’ thigh, getting comfortable as he chuckled softly.
“Edmund,” a voice interrupted, “Over here!” Severus behind him. A boy with dark skin was peaking through the door. His dark red braids each were tied with silver string and his amber eyes were hard but bright, like burning coal.
A taller boy with wavy, mouse brown hair scrunched his nose, making the oval glasses slip off his nose. He glared at Severus as he stepped in the compartment. “Move.”
Severus’ eyebrows knitted together. He didn’t like the boy’s tone. But he held back a scowl and obeyed anyway.
The cat was then lifted into the boy’s arms. “Thought you could run off, did you, Rain?”
The animal let out a soft “mowrr” in response.
The darker boy came up next to his friend to scratch behind its ears, grinning. That was before both boys turned and shot a cold stare at Severus.
“He just came up to me,” Severus said, reminding himself his wand was in the luggage in case anything happened. “I didn’t-”
“It’s a ‘she’.” The taller boy–Edmund– adjusted his hold on the cat, his voice sharp. He looked up and down at Severus and his face twisted, almost amused. “Merlin’s beard, what are you wearing?”
That one stung. Severus already hated wearing his father’s clothes, but hearing someone point it out felt like a slap to the face. He clenched his fists and looked down.
’Stay calm,’ he thought.
’I need to stay calm.’
The boy with dread locks laughed under his breath. “Looks like Rain ran into a mudblood.”
Mudblood?
Severus thought he knew all the blood statuses, but he didn't know what a mudblood was. The sneer in the boy's voice told him that they saw him as inferior.
Severus’ eyes narrowed into black slits, his posture straighter. “Well then, I guess the cat has better taste than you.”
Edmund’s eyes widened.
Severus would have been satisfied but the shorter boy was starting to look more irritated. He tensed as he kept glancing at the luggage, but he couldn’t move even if he wanted to.
Edmund’s friend began to tower over Severus’ skinny frame. “Watch yourself, lass.”
Severus’s fear went away as he gave him a confused frown. “‘What?”
The boy narrowed his eyes. “You heard me.”
“No, I mean I’m not a girl!” Severus snapped, shoving him away.
This seemed to happen every time Severus met someone. It was quite annoying. Thankfully, everyone in Cokesworth started to refer to him as “The Snape Boy”, but now this was happening again.
The boy blinked before smirking. “Damn. He has a temper.”
Severus rolled his eyes. “Alright, you got what you were looking for. Can you please leave?”
“Well, hang on. We haven’t had a chance to introduce ourselves.”
“Bruce,” Edmund started. “What–”
The shorter boy held out his hand. “Brutus Mulciber. What’s your name?”
Severus looked down at his hand and shook it cautiously. “Severus. Severus Snape.”
Brutus’s amber eyes glinted brighter. “Pleasure. I assume you’ve already met Rain.”
He gestured to the black cat, who purred comfortably in Edmund’s arms.
“And that’s Edmund.”
“Avery,” Edmund Avery corrected coolly.
“Er–Nice to meet you, I guess.”
Avery’s eyes hardened further, as if expecting something. “Is that all you have to say?”
“There’s nothing else I can say!”
“Well,” he walked toward Severus until his glasses got foggy with Severus’s breath, “I guess you need to learn to respect those who are above you.”
He then turned on his heel abruptly. “Come on. Sinistra’s waiting.”
Mulciber looked back at Severus before following Avery.
Severus kept staring at the doorway until he finally went over to close it. Being in the compartment with being interrogated now felt strange, but he was grateful nonetheless. “Arseholes.”
He let his jacket fall on the floor before tossing the baggy robes over him. Wearing the uniform over the muggle clothing made his chest swell triumphantly, the tension almost forgotten. He then pushed the luggage into the overhead rack.
The train whistle screamed in the distance, making him jump. Severus assumed they would be leaving soon. But when he was about to get Lily, she was already storming through the train entrance. Her round face was blotchy with tears and she walked past Severus angrily.
“Lily?”
“Don’t,” she said, her voice shaky.
She then fell into a compartment seat next to a boy with messy black hair.
—
Story Summary: This is a coming of age story about Severus Snape and his time at hogwarts and his time as a death eater and explores themes like identity, moral complexity, injustice, etc. This is also a slowburn snulciber fic. Inspo: ATYD by Mskingbean89 and The Outsiders by SE Hinton. Will be posting in wattpad too!
@the-most-faithful, @therealhalfbloodprince, @mikel-snape, @multifamdomfan IM FINALLY ACTUALLY PUBLISHING UT FINALLY OMG 😭✌️🥀
Insanity Deification - Stare of Eternal Dismemberment
Technical Brutal Death Metal from Brașov, Romania
Insanity Deification is a technical brutal death metal one man band from Romania featuring Filip Garlonta, unleashing unrelenting aggression fused with mythological depth.
A descent into serpentine prophecy and petrifying visions inspired by the ancient curse of the Gorgons. Ten tracks of venomous brutality, chthonic flesh, and stonebound torment where the gaze of Medusa turns the living into monuments of decay.
1. Visions of Ophidian Torture 03:35
2. Venomous Clairvoyance of Unmaking 03:01
3. Stonebound in Chthonic Flesh 03:16
4. Serpentine Sight of Devastation 02:43
5. Ripped from the Petrified Shell 04:00
6. Gaze into the Abyss of Rot 03:53
7. Chained in the Sepulcher of Tartarus 02:44
8. Titanomachic Disembowelment 04:18
9. Medusan Rebirth in Stone 02:28
10. Worm-Eaten Oracles of the Underworld 04:31
“Why do we sometimes see the moon, even during daytime?”
Jaehyun doesn’t know, nor did he care to notice that such a thing existed; it was a mystery to him, but you were a bigger enigma.
for the man who deserves the sun, the moon, and the stars; happy birthday, jaehyun ♡
“Why do we sometimes see the moon, even during daytime?”
It was a nice day out; sparse clouds rolled along the vast, celeste sky like cotton floating adrift in the cool breeze. As they pass by, the image of the moon appears stagnant behind them. It was bright enough to see the dark craters on its face, but not enough to outshine the warm sun on the opposite horizon.
Jaehyun returns his attention to you, unable to answer your question.
He walked up the two extra flights of stairs up to his apartment’s rooftop to scope out the area, eager to rent the space out for an area where he could garden. He hadn’t expected someone else to be here.
You sat on an old crate, leaning back on your arms, and staring up at the sky, wearing dark denim short overalls with dried splashes of paint over a white tee. You looked entranced by the scene above you, enough for Jaehyun to peek up as well and expect to see something like a plane passing by or a balloon a child had accidentally let go of.
Instead he saw a moon present during daytime. It wasn’t new to him, but it wasn’t necessarily something he paid attention to either. He was about to mind his own business until you asked him the question.
“Well?” You turned your head to him, maintaining your position.
“I—” Jaehyun stuttered, “I don’t know.”
You stared at him, stunned, before you pouted, bringing your attention back to the moon above you. “That’s no fun.”
He frowns, is it that fascinating? It’s barely even noticeable; just a transparent circle in the blue sky. “It’s just a moon. It’s there every night.”
You gasped at this, sitting up straight and putting a scandalized hand over your chest. He flinches in his place, surprised at your reaction.
“Yes, we see the moon every night, but it’s daytime—” You gestured to it, “It’s a daytime moon!”
Jaehyun looked back up, warily watching the waning moon for a moment, before returning his attention to you. You were pointedly staring at him, waiting for a response. When he’s confused once more on what to say, you let out a dejected sigh.
“No one understands.” You mumbled under your breath, standing up and dusting your bottom off. With one last look at the moon, you spun to face him, “You’re new here, aren’t you? I’ve never seen you before. What brings you up to the rooftop? No one ever goes here.”
“Oh, yeah, I moved in a few days ago. I was just checking it out to see if it’s good enough to be a garden space.”
“Garden space? Oh no…” You spun around, “That means this place will be a restricted area.”
“Not at all!” He said, “You’re free to keep coming here. I’m willing to share any of the fruits of my labor as long as it’s not abused. I’ll start with herbs, though. Actual fruits might take a while.”
You giggled, appreciating the little dimples on his cheeks as he joked. “Do you plant flowers?”
“I don’t.” Jaehyun replied with a little shake of his head, but when he sees your lips fall to a frown, he immediately takes it back, “But I’ve always wanted to. I don’t know what I should try first. Would you like to recommend some I should try?”
He wasn’t eager to take care of flowering plants. He picked up gardening so he could have fresh herbs and produce for cooking. Nevertheless, seeing your eyes brighten up after he asked you made him feel happy.
“Personally, I love Four O’clocks.” You told him, bashfully shrugging your shoulders, “I don’t know if they’re easy to grow though.”
“Four O’clocks?”
You nodded your head, “They bloom from four to eight in the evening. If they’re too difficult to grow, I heard sweet peas are easy to care for.”
“Sweet peas.” Jaehyun repeats, “Alright. I’ll keep those in mind.”
A blanket of silence fell between you with only the whispers of the wind and sounds of cars driving down the streets filled the air. He avoided your gaze, suddenly overcome with shyness, ears blushing with his cheeks.
You smiled to yourself, “Well, I should get going now.”
As you started to walk towards the only exit, he startled you by asking for your name.
“I’m Jaehyun.” He held out his hand to you.
Your eyes warily ogled his hand, pressing your lips together. Reluctantly, you stuck your hand out and softly gasped as he curled his fingers around your palm and shook it. “I’m… [Y/N].”
He smiled, cocking his head to the side as you both retracted your hands from one another. “Well, it’s nice meeting you, [Y/N]. Give me a couple of weeks and I’ll have this shabby rooftop brimming green. Maybe get fake grass for you to lie on to see your daylight moon better.”
He looked up above, catching sight of the faded moon peeking behind another cloud as it rolled by.
“I’d like that.” You sighed, following his gaze. “Well, I’ll have to go now. It was nice meeting you again.”
“Likewise.” Jaehyun raised his hand to wave you off, but you were briskly walking out of there before he could even do so. You were weird — not in a bad way. You were endearingly eccentric. He hummed to himself, glancing back up at the sky, pondering on the question you had asked him beforehand.
“Why do we see the moon during daytime?”
Jaehyun finally rented out the rooftop and two days after meeting you, had begun cleaning up the area. A part of him hoped to see you that day, he wished he had asked what your apartment number was, but then he remembered how hesitant you were to even shake his hand. That night he met you, he told his grandmother about you and the conversation you had about the moon. He thought his grandma would agree with you being a little odd, but instead he got scolded for his answer.
Now that he had time to think and look up the scientific reason behind daytime moons, he has an answer for you that he hoped you would like.
After a few hours of tossing trash and debris into boxes for easy disposal, he took his work gloves off and sat down on the crate you used before. He wiped the sweat of his forehead with his forearm, panting loudly as he caught his breath. The rooftop was the perfect level to be cold when the wind blew, but still be warmed by the sun’s rays.
He peered up towards the sky, looking for the daytime moon. From what he understood from his google searches, today would be the last day to see it properly until the full moon passes. As he waited for a large cloud to pass, he felt like someone was watching and turned his head to the entrance.
You flinched when he turned to you, clutching the pale blue handkerchief to your chest. “Hi.”
“Hey.” Jaehyun swung his legs over the crate’s corners to face you properly, “I thought it would be you.”
“How would you know it’s me? There’s 15 other tenants here.”
He shrugged his shoulders, “I had a feeling.”
“Like, you sensed me? Like a… ghost?”
Jaehyun chuckled, shaking his head, “I wouldn’t go that far. You have a peculiar aura to you.”
“I get that a lot.” You curtly laughed.
He patted the empty space beside him after scooting over the edge and moving his water bottle to the floor. You took up his offer and sat beside him, folding your hands on your lap.
“I wish I could help you, but I only came out here for a breath of fresh air.” To demonstrate it, you inhaled deeply, slowly releasing it through your mouth. “It gets suffocating in my room.”
Jaehyun wanted to ask why, but you quickly changed the subject.
“Is gardening your hobby or is it related to your job?”
“Both — er, well, more of the first one. I want to start a restaurant; a classic Korean restaurant using my grandmother’s recipes. But being in a foreign country, the ingredients to make the recipes truly authentic aren’t readily available. And if they were, they’d be so expensive.”
You watched him swipe the bottle from the floor and take a lengthy gulp of it, nearly downing half of it. His Adam’s apple bobbed with every gulp, protruding out of his thick, creamy neck. You snapped yourself out of it, handing your handkerchief to him when he proceeded to wipe his brow with his forearm.
He quietly thanked you, dabbing the cloth over his mouth before dragging it over his forehead.
“What brings you to this small city anyways? I’d do anything to get away from here.”
“Came from Korea when I was just 5 years old, moved every few years because of my dad’s job, and eventually settled here with my grandma to take care of her.” Jaehyun turned his attention to the cityscape, “It’s nice and quiet, but not too rural.”
“Do you ever wish to go back to Korea?”
He didn't reply immediately as he continued to stare off into the distance. There was a large lake in the heart of the city; people fished there no matter what the season, they swam during spring and summer, and went ice skating during winter.
“I think if I ever went back, I’d feel like a fish out of water, you know?” He looked down to the water bottle in his hands, “It doesn’t matter if I have relatives I’m close to there or I’m fluent in speaking the language, I’ll still feel like a foreigner.”
You offered him a smile, “Well, that’s a given. Especially if you have that kind of mindset. You said you moved every few years, but you eventually settled in long enough before the next city, right? You’ll be able to call your ancestor’s land home eventually. I mean, you live in one of the apartments that predominantly houses Koreans.”
Jaehyun glanced at you, nodding afterwards, “I guess you’re right. But I don’t think I want to go back to Korea just yet anyways.”
“That’s understandable. You haven’t even started your garden yet.” You giggled, gesturing to the empty space in front of you. “I should be heading back anyways. It was nice talking to you.”
“It was. Next time, we’ll talk about you, alright?” He laughed, “Not fair that only I get to talk about myself.”
Once again, you hesitated, biting down on your bottom lip, “Alright. Next time then.”
He watched you slip through the open door, careful not to trip the heavy rock that kept it open. Dejectedly, he sighed at the mess he had yet to clean up. A part of him wanted you to stay longer, not even to help, but just accompany him. When he stood up, the handkerchief you lent him fell to the ground and he grabbed it, running after you.
“Hey, [Y/N], wait!” He yelled down the stairwell. You should have probably gone down just one flight of stairs since you left, but his voice just echoed back at him. Were you that in a hurry to leave? Confused, he resolved to wash your napkin first before giving it back to you.
Going back outside, he put his fists on his hips and studied the rest of the area he had to clean up. He could finish this in two — three days, tops. But the seeds, soil, and pots are coming tomorrow and he doesn’t want to bother his grandma by dumping all those in their tiny apartment. Like the distant sound of a telephone ringing, he got an idea and pulled his phone out of his pocket.
After half an hour and phone call later, Jaehyun’s close friend, Mark, comes to his rescue — although unwillingly.
“I can’t believe I let you convince me to help you out,” He grumbled, hoisting a trash bag full of dust over his shoulder, “For free.”
“I promised you naengmyeon, didn’t I? Besides, don’t act like it’s all heavy lifting.” Jaehyun swept the ground with a broom.
He overheard Mark grumbling under his breath and chose to ignore it. He met the young man in college through his best friend, Johnny, who is Mark’s older stepbrother, and it was from them that he heard about this city. Mark’s only here for the summer break before finishing his senior year in college in the bigger state and Jaehyun’s going to make sure he utilizes him well.
“Yo! It stinks here!” Mark exclaimed, traversing to the other side of the rooftop he hadn’t even gone to yet, “Ew! Man, there’s a dead rat! And a bird!”
Jaehyun just laughed, “Just pack them up with the rest of the trash!”
“I’m not touching those!”
“Mark, you have gloves on, plus you can just push them into the bag.”
The younger man just grumbled again, “Those better be the best damn naengmyeon I’ll ever have!”
“Subak naengmyeon!” Jaehyun retorted, bursting out laughing when he caught the excited, surprised look on Mark’s face before he turned around and picked up the carcasses right away after placing a secondary barrier in the form of an extra trash bag over his gloves.
The next hour or so goes without a hitch and they finally cleared the entire rooftop before the 2 hour mark. They tied the trash bags together to make it easier for them to haul down to the floor below to toss it in the trash chute.
“Was that so hard?” Jaehyun chuckled, breathlessly, while he pulled out your handkerchief from his back pocket and started to wipe the sweat build up all over his face. “Let’s drop this in the chute and I can make those cold noodles.”
“Yes!” Mark cheered, eagerly grabbing two bags and heading to the door.
After that was settled, they washed up in Jaehyun’s apartment and Mark played games on his phone while Jaehyun got to cooking. He would have asked him to help out, but based on experience, the younger man is better off not doing anything inside the kitchen aside from eating.
Halfway through preparing the meal, Jaehyun’s grandma came out of her room and Mark enthusiastically greeted her.
“Oh, Little Markie.” She fondly cooed, “I didn’t know you were here.”
“I helped Jaehyun clean up the rooftop and he’s repaying me through cold noodles.”
“It’ll be ready in a while!” Jaehyun chimed, “This is exactly for 3 people.”
“Go on ahead without me, I’m going to head down to do laundry.” Jaehyun’s grandma gestures to the small basket of clothes by the door.
“Wait, grandma, can you wash this for me?” He fished out your handkerchief out of his pocket and jogged over to her, “Someone lent it to me earlier and I forgot to give it back, so I wanted to wash it before I run into her again.”
She took the cloth from him and tossed it into the basket, “Alright. I’ll be back later. You two enjoy now.”
“See you, Mrs. Choi!” Mark waved his hand and Jaehyun bit his tongue to stop from laughing; his friend seemingly reverts back into a child every time he interacts with his grandma, but then again, his grandma is known to be endearing and fond towards all his friends.
When his grandma took her leave, Mark eyed him suspiciously, a sly smirk on his face.
“What?”
The younger of the two narrowed his eyes, “You were with a girl before I came over?”
Jaehyun knew where this was going. He shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah. Met her the other day when I checked the rooftop. She’s… eccentric.”
“So she’s weird?”
He instinctively scowled at him, “In a good way. I caught her staring up at the moon.”
“Bro, that’s creepy, you met her at night on the roof? She could have been a ghost.”
With every fiber of his being, Jaehyun fought the urge to roll his eyes, “I don’t believe in ghosts, and no, I was checking out the roof remember? Why would I do that at night? I met her during daytime.”
Mark pursed his lips, “But the moon is also out?”
“It happens. Apparently, it’s a pretty common phenomenon for the moon to appear even if the sun is out.” He lifted a spoon to his lips to taste the sauce and nodded his head in approval, “Hey, grab me two bowls?”
“Is she hot?” Mark jumped up to his feet and went straight for the cupboard to grab two bowls as requested. He set it by the noodles and began to fill both up.
“She’s pretty.” Jaehyun paused; that seemed like an understatement if he were to be honest, but he doesn’t want to give his friend any ideas. “If you keep helping me up on the rooftop, you could meet her.”
“Ayy,” He held his hands up and stepped away from the bowls while Jaehyun poured the soup on them, “You’re just tryna get me to do free labor for you.”
He laughed, nodding his head because he got caught. After pouring the soup into both bowls, Jaehyun arranges the toppings on each of them, “But is it really free labor if you get to eat good food afterwards?”
Mark threw his head back and groaned, “Stop baiting me with food! I’ll get fat before grad pics are taken.”
“You can’t get fat on Korean food. Not with the recipes I make. Besides, once I get the garden thriving, it’ll be a lot healthier.” Jaehyun huffed, “Also, I only need help setting up; make plant boxes, arrange some pots. I’m not asking you to plant, water, or harvest — although I won’t decline if you want to.”
“Fine. Just because you make Michelin star quality food—”
“— have you ever even eaten at a Michelin star restaurant?”
Mark tsk’d at him, “I also wanna meet this girl. You haven’t dated anyone ever since—”
“I’m not looking to date anyone.” He cut him off, handing him chopsticks. “And I still don’t plan to.”
They took their bowls to the small round dining table and sat down. Mark thanked him for the meal and they started to eat. The loud slurp and satisfied moan from Mark brought a smile to Jaehyun’s face. Those kinds of reactions are what drives him to cook even more and he hopes he’ll be hearing them reverbing off the walls of his very own bistro.
As Mark took a bite out of the watermelon Jaehyun used to garnish, he asked, “I can’t wait for you to start your own resto, man. I’ll be there every week — dine in, take out — I’ll have it delivered, too. I’d take my girlfriend to your restaurant for dates.”
This made Jaehyun burst out laughing, “You need a girlfriend to do that, Mark.”
“Shut up! I’m tryna hype you up!” He snarled, “It’s not like you’re opening your restaurant tomorrow, are you?!”
“Point taken.” He shrugged, picking up a hefty amount of noodles with his chopsticks and shoving it into his mouth.
It’s the perfect meal after working hard under the sun; cold and refreshing. He didn’t like eating them at first, finding it weird to eat something he’s accustomed to eating hot now ice cold. Eventually, the dish grew on him, especially on summer days he spent with his grandparents.
For the rest of the meal, they filled the silence with slurping and talked about his plans for the restaurant. Somehow, he ended up giving Mark a part time job in the restaurant that’s yet to be established as either a busboy or a waiter in case he doesn’t find a job yet.
“So worth it.” Mark sighed after he brought the bowl to his lips and threw back his head to finish the soup. “Damn, fine, I will work to eat this kind of food everyday. I should have taken a pic and sent it to Johnny! He’d be so jealous.”
“You can take a picture of my grandma’s bowl if you’re sticking around long enough for her to come back.” Jaehyun suggested, gesturing him to hand his empty bowl over so he could put them away.
“Thanks for the meal.” Mark clapped after pushing his bowl towards him. “Bro, I’m so excited for you! Your resto is gonna pop off, no doubt. And because of you, Johnny’s gonna come back home to handle the business shit.”
Johnny promised to save up to help him with the lease and other financials so he’d been working two jobs in a completely different state to match up the savings Jaehyun had from all the jobs he had previously worked. Jaehyun could easily pay off most of the things needed, but Johnny reiterated that this is a joint business and he won’t let him do so. Even though they both graduated with a degree in business management, Johnny said he’ll take care of all the paperwork while Jaehyun can cook his heart out.
Jaehyun will always be grateful he ran into Johnny during the first class of their freshman year and clicked with him because they shared the same ethnicity, more so that he supports him with everything he does. Admittedly, he’s sad that his best friend had to work so far away from them, but he’ll be home soon and help achieve his dream, plus he had Mark as the best hype man. With no pun intended, he can taste the future.
It’s been nearly a week and Jaehyun hasn’t seen you. He’s worried for some reason; did something happen? Are you alright? He always brought your handkerchief with him so he could return it and some food he made for you to try, but you never showed up. Even Mark doubted your existence when he kept coming over to help build the plant boxes that were finally delivered.
They were just finishing up, deciding where to place the plant boxes with trellises — whether up against the parapet or with the rest of the plant boxes in the middle — when he had the urge to look back at the door and found you watching them through the door.
“[Y/N]!” He exclaimed, face breaking out into a tired smile, only for it to fall when you ran away just before Mark turned around. “Hey, wait!”
Jaehyun tried to run after you, taking large strides, but like last time, when he leaned over the banister to find you, you were gone. He called out to you, but all he saw peeking up the stairs was a scruffy-looking man from four floors down. Jaehyun apologized and the man retreated. He returned to Mark, who decided to move one of the ceramic pots to the other side of where they were originally placed.
“Did you catch her?” He asked, dusting his hands off.
“No. I wonder why she ran off like that. I didn’t even catch her running down the stairs… maybe she lives just on the floor below.” Jaehyun frowned, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He was sure it was you; you were wearing the same denim overalls.
Mark’s phone rang and he cursed at seeing the notification, “Gotta go. I forgot I had to pick up groceries for my mom.”
“Thanks for today. Tell her I said hi.” He waved as he watched the younger man run to the door as if his life depended on it.
Alone, Jaehyun turned back to check the work they’ve done today. Aside from the trellis, all the plant boxes had been laid with all the proper layers for drainage and just needed to be sowed. He wanted to plant everything all at the same time, but he could plant the Four o’Clock seeds you requested. He had already soaked the seeds overnight and even sanded it according to the google searches he made to plant and care for them. He walked over to the collapsible table he set up and took the flower seeds off the paper towel he left them on.
“You’ve started planting?”
Jaehyun jumped away from you, flinching at your sudden appearance.
“Oops,” You giggled, “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You have light footsteps, huh? I’m only planting the Four o’Clocks today.” He showed you the seeds in his palm, “Why did you run off a while ago?”
You blinked at him, “Uhm, well, I thought I left the iron plugged in a-and I didn’t want to bother you and your friend.”
“We were done anyways and you wouldn’t be a bother if you decided to come up here. He wanted to meet you, you know.”
“Oh… I’m… just extremely shy. You just caught me off guard the day we met.” You squat beside him as he sowed the seeds into one of the little ceramic pots, “I would have run off if I had the chance.”
Jaehyun chuckled, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t.”
This made you pause, repeatedly blinking at his hands as they gently folded the soil over the seeds. The other day, you would never admit to it, but you were secretly watching him and his friend — Mark, as you heard him call the other — and you were astonished at how strong Jaehyun was. Compared to his friend, he pulled and carried materials on his shoulders with ease. It was a stark contrast to how he planted the seeds just now.
“I believe I owe you a short narrative of my life.” You cleared your throat, looking for somewhere to sit on, and walked over to two collapsible chairs that matched the table. You sat on one while you waited for Jaehyun to dust his hands clean.
Once he sat down, you shrugged, “What do you want to know?”
“Anything you’re comfortable with sharing.” He mirrored your action, “I would have brought extra snacks if I had known I’d be running into you again. Oh, shit — I forgot your handkerchief back in my room.”
“It’s fine.” You shook your head, “I’m in no rush to get it back.”
You let yourself get distracted by a cat’s loud meowing somewhere below, thinking of something to share to him.
“Well,” You started off, “I was supposed to start my Master’s degree for education 3 months ago, but I chickened out the last minute. I just felt like… it’s not something I want to do at the moment.”
“So what have you been doing? Painting?” Jaehyun gestured to the paint marks on your clothing, “Your clothes always have paint on them.”
You stuttered, “Oh, uhm, yeah — just getting the creative juice flowing. Never liked anything to keep it, though. I think I’m more into photography.”
“Like portraits? Landscapes?”
“Anything.” You paused, “Haven’t really found a niche yet. That’s why I’ve been painting.”
He nodded, understanding your situation. “Hey, there’s this mural on the other side of that wall—”
“Yeah, I know. It’s such an eyesore.”
Jaehyun blinked at you, “Oh, I don’t think so. It’s just unfinished. Maybe the person who started it moved out or maybe they just lost motivation. But I think it still looks great; just unfinished.”
Unfinished, you repeated in your thoughts. It’s such a sad word for you; incomplete, undone.
“You could paint over the mural if you think it could be better.”
The mural was yours to begin with. You started it half a year ago when you went up here to escape reality. It was just a mess of angry, distressed brush strokes of a multitude of colors overlapping one another; what made it look incomplete in the first place? You just kept adding layer after layer, never satisfied with how it looked.
“Maybe.” You croaked out, realizing you hadn’t responded to him. “I’d need to buy all the paint though, so I can’t work on it immediately.”
“No rush. You can’t force art.” He said in a comforting manner. “I didn’t learn to cook right away. My grandma has unlimited patience with me every time I burnt something.”
“I wish my older sister had the same patience as your grandma.” You fiddled with your thumbs, “I live with her — uh, well, technically, she lives with me… with her boyfriend and baby.”
Jaehyun gave you an awkward smile, “They live with you?”
You shut your eyes, hanging your head low, “I love my sister and I love little nephew, too. But her boyfriend is a piece of shit. Absolutely useless. Doesn’t even consider moving since he considers me free housing even though he can afford it. He doesn’t even help pay rent!”
“So it’s that kind of situation, huh? Your sister must love him for staying with him.”
You averted your attention elsewhere, biting down on your lip with guilt. She’s still with him because of you, she wants to leave him but she can’t because of you. It’s not your place to tell Jaehyun about the real cruelty your sister’s boyfriend does to her, not to mention he’s a shitty father to your nephew, but you don’t want to drag him into this mess.
“I wish she’d wake up.” You grumbled. You wished you would wake up, too.
“If there’s anyway for me to help, just tell me.” Jaehyun put his hand over yours, the sensation of his skin against yours still confounding you.
You met his gaze, reading the sincerity in the dark chocolate pools of his eyes. You barely know him, but why does it feel like you’ve known him all your life? “Thank you.” You whispered and you watched him retrieve his hand.
“Whatever happens, you can also escape to my place. My grandma loves to meet new people. I’m sure she’ll love you. I can introduce you to Korean food, too. Are you okay with spices?”
“It really depends.” You bashfully admitted, hoping it doesn’t sound like you were turning his offer down.
“Well, if you come over, we’ll see it ourselves.” He beamed at you, dimples flashing in full display. “I live in room 307.”
This caught you off guard. You lived on the same floor as him. Why haven’t you noticed?
When you didn’t say anything after him, even though he had hoped you would reply with your room number, Jaehyun smacked his thighs. He doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable for disclosing your room number to him. “I have to start cooking dinner. Are you going to stay longer here?”
“Uh—” You followed his movement as he stood up, “Y-yeah, I will.”
“See you later. Don’t stay for too long. It gets cold up here.”
“I’ll be fine.” You smiled, waving at him as he slowly inched towards the door.
After he left, you stared at the door a little longer before looking down at your hands. You could stay for as long as you want because the cold doesn’t bother you. You can’t feel the cold or the heat or anything… aside from him.
It was a little alarming to Jaehyun that you hadn’t been up on the roof for two weeks. Yes, he counted the days. Did something happen with your sister and her boyfriend? Did you two finally escape him? Did he do something bad? Are you safe? So many questions plagued his mind but he doesn’t know what to do to get answers to them. Mark is no help because he has to see you with his own eyes to even believe you were real.
After your last talk, Jaehyun had made it a point to bring your handkerchief with him so he can finally return it to you. He even washed it again despite not using it just in case the sweat from working under the sun seeped through his pants.
It was a shame though because he’s proud of the progress of his little rooftop garden. All the plant boxes have been sowed with their respective seeds, he purchased a picnic set so he could have meals up here with friends and family, and most importantly, the 4 o’clocks have started to germinate along with the sweet peas that he decided to plant as well. His grandma liked to take afternoon tea up here as well, hoping to meet you after he had spoken often about you, but fortunately doesn’t doubt your existence just because of your absence like Mark.
Jaehyun didn’t have much work to do these days aside from watering and making sure there were no pests since the materials he needed for the pergola hadn't arrived yet. It was a good thing the past days were cloudy enough for his grandma to rely on just sunscreen and not tire herself from holding an umbrella.
Another day is about to end, the sun setting across the horizon. Even Jaehyun hadn’t seen the daytime moon the past week — or maybe he just didn’t bother to check during the prime hour when it’s clearly visible. Heaving a dejected sigh, he goes back to his apartment. He should have really asked for your number — to, you know, check up on you.
Arriving on his floor, he took his time to walk up to his door, briefly glancing when he heard a door open. He didn’t pay much attention to it at first, but did a double take when he saw you.
“[Y/N]?” He exclaims, a little too excitedly, and took three long strides towards the woman he thought was you.
She turned to face him, alarmed and confused.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone I knew.” Jaehyun stepped back, sheepishly rubbing his neck. He bows his head out of habit, “Sorry again—”
When he looked back up at the woman, he faltered. She really did look like you.
“Wait, I’m sorry, but are you…” He licked his lips, “[Y/N]’s sister?”
The woman watched him apprehensively as she closed the door but kept her hand on the knob, “I am. And you are?”
“I’m Jaehyun. I moved here just a month ago. I was wondering where [Y/N] is. I haven’t seen her in awhile. Is she okay?”
She looked at him like he had grown two heads. “I don’t understand.”
“Uhm, well, we met up on the rooftop and she’d drop by every now and then. It’s been awhile since she went back up so I got a little worried—”
“Look, boy,” Your sister dismissed, “You’re not making sense to me and I’m busy. You’re wasting my time.”
Jaehyun bit his tongue; did something happen between the two of you? “Okay, I’m sorry again. But could you return this for me? She lent it to me a few weeks ago and I keep forgetting to return it.”
He brought out your blue handkerchief from his back pocket and your sister’s eyes grew wide with alarm. She snatched it from him, making him flinch, and inspected it, revealing the little embroidery of your initials on the corner he had never seen before.
“Where did you get this?!” She hissed, vigorously shaking the fabric in her fist. “I kept this in her drawer!”
“I-I told you! She lent it to me a few weeks ago and—”
“That’s impossible! She couldn’t have!” Your sister’s eyes started to well up, “I don’t understand— she couldn’t have— but how?”
Jaehyun ogled her warily as she examined the handkerchief once more, “I… I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m telling you the truth. She lent it to me herself.”
He described you to her to prove himself; from your hair, to your clothes, to even the reason why you were up on the roof the first time he met you, and that’s what caught your sister’s attention.
“Daytime moon?” She quietly repeated, cutting him off. “Di-did you say she was up on the roof, looking at the daytime moon?”
He nodded, gasping a little when she faltered back and lost her balance, making him reach out to help her stand up properly.
“That can’t be… my sister… [Y/N]... she’s… it’s been three months...”
“What?” Panic gripped at his chest. Three months? He hasn’t even moved in three months ago. “What happened with [Y/N]?”
Your sister looked up at him, visibly perplexed at the situation. Her pupils shook as she stared right at him.
“Why do we sometimes see the moon, even during the daytime?”
Jaehyun didn’t know, nor did he care to notice that such a thing existed; it was a mystery to him, but you were a bigger enigma.
“My sister has been in a coma for three months.”
The world seemed to stop, time freezing as Jaehyun’s head started ringing. He didn’t know when it started, but he felt dizzy, his eyes unable to focus on anything, the corridor in front of him turning round and round.
His hands fumbled for the wall in an effort not to collapse. Finding the wall wasn’t easy, especially as your sister was staring at him coldly. His hand found the wall first, his back meeting the wall soon after. His face fell into his hands and he rubbed his eyes, trying desperately to get it together,
“But… But I” he was mumbling, words falling from his mouth without making sense.
His mind couldn’t connect the dots, he couldn’t understand what it was you were telling him. A coma? Three months? Impossible. It had only been two weeks since he’d last seen you. And you had been there, you had talked to him, sat next to him, touched him.
Bile rose at his throat, but he took a deep breath, forcing it back down. His eyes were darting from place to place, unable to look at your sister and unable to focus on anything for more than a few seconds.
“How?” he managed to ask.
His eyes met the woman’s, who despite his distraught state, seemed to be too preoccupied to help him. Now, her gaze fell on him again, as if she was just reminded of his presence in the corridor.
Her eyes scanned his features as she herself struggled to find the words to explain.
“She… She was unhappy. But I didn’t… I didn’t see the signs. She… Jumped. From the roof. It was… Terrible. Even if she wakes up now we don’t know-” she tried to explain.
She felt her throat closing, the familiar sheen of tears blurring her vision appearing once again. She shook her head, composing herself and fixating her gaze on Jaehyun.
“Look, as I said, I’m busy.” she repeated.
Hitching up her purse higher in her bag, she put on some dark sunglasses before disappearing inside the elevator.
Jaehyun stood frozen, his back still against the wall, his head still spinning. Slowly, he felt himself sink to the floor. He hit the floor hard, but he didn’t care, he hardly even noticed as he stared blankly on the opposite wall. The world still hadn’t stopped spinning, his mind unable to wrap around the news.
How? He kept repeating the same question again and again, as if the repetition could give him an answer. The next question that arose was why? Why him of all people? Why now? Why were you so unhappy? Why would you want to end it all?
The phone buzzing in his pocket made him jump. He felt numb in an electrifying way, almost as if his mind was fried. With a glance at his phone screen, he realised his grandmother was calling. He struggled to compose himself, getting up quickly. That proved not to be a smart move, the world getting dark before him, small dots of white appearing in his vision. At the same time, he felt his head heavy and throbbing with a migraine. Nevertheless, he moved quickly to his apartment door, shoving his keys in harshly.
His vision was restored just as he stepped inside the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
“Grandma, I’m here” he announced, careful not to raise his voice too high and worsen his already raging migraine.
His grandmother appeared from the next room, phone in hand. She looked relieved to see him, but as she set her eyes on him, her brows furrowed.
“Jaehyun! What took you so long?” she asked.
Jaehyun fumbled for words, panic growing inside him. He couldn’t lie to his grandmother, at least, not efficiently. The pain on his head didn’t help as he unconsciously brought his hand to rub his temple, trying to relieve some pressure. He took a deep breath, trying to buy himself sometime when the idea popped in his head.
“Sorry, I got a bit carried away. And the sun… I’m not feeling very well to be honest. I’m going to lie down for a while, okay?” he said.
“Of course you’re not feeling well! All those hours up there without a hat! Go lie down and I’ll make you some soup. Try to sleep, okay?” she asked.
Jaehyun felt relieved at his grandmother’s fond nagging. With a small nod, he was finally back in the safety of his room, door shut tight and darkness surrounding him. If he was being honest, lying down didn’t sound so bad at the moment, his neatly made bed calling his name.
He laid on top of the covers, tossing and turning until he finally found a position he felt comfortable in. His body was tense, his mind on overdrive, now making more and more questions he so desperately needed answers to. He hardly even noticed when his eyes fluttered closed and he drifted off into a fitful sleep.
On the other side of the hall, you were almost mirroring Jaehyun’s position. You laid on your bed, your room clad in darkness. It had been months since someone had come in here. Just you.
The blinds were shut tight, but you could make out the small details of your room, the fairy lights hanging on the opposite wall above your desk. Your desk was still messy, quite like the way you left it last, papers flown everywhere, a notebook open and colourful pencils laying on top of it.
Your dresser was sitting next to it and above it, a mirror. You got up, standing opposite the mirror. It reflected the wall behind you. A sigh escaped your lips as you laid back in bed. You only tormented yourself, as sleep would always remain out of your reach.
Ghosts don’t need sleep. A small voice whispered in the back of your head, but you pushed it back. You didn’t want to listen.
You were lonely, yearning to have someone to talk to. In this room, you were the strongest, as this had always been your safe place, your most guarded haven. You were also pretty strong up on the roof, where you-
No. Not that. You stopped your thoughts from going further.
But they betrayed you. You remembered standing on the roof, looking at the moon which was still in the sky despite it being daytime. You had escaped there after yet another fight, too tired to keep going. You felt like you had hit a dead end, the prospects and paths that seemed so appealing to you only months ago, now suffocating you. You looked and you thought, and when your thoughts got too much and too loud… You leaped.
You leaped to what you thought was freedom and for a moment, for a brief moment a smile painted your face as you flew down. You were flying, yes, the wind moving your hair in every direction, as you closed your eyes and waited for everything to be over.
Only it wasn’t. There was pain, terrible pain that pierced every single cell of your body, so much pain it made you delirious. You couldn’t open your eyes, and even if you could, you didn’t want to see what was ahead. There was the metallic taste of blood in your mouth, you felt it run down your temple to your chin. Your body was sprawn out in an awkward angle, your hands laying limb on your side.
Then, there was darkness. For a time, it felt like you were floating, floating somewhere where you felt no pain, your heart light in your chest, your mind free of dark thoughts. You thought this was a sign, this was a place in between worlds and you’d finally get rid of the restrictions of your body to go on.
You were horrified to wake up in your bed one day, the blinds drawn much like now. Only then, you were not alone. Your sister was sitting at the foot of your bed, her head buried in her hands and she was sobbing.
You and your sister had never been the closest of siblings, your love more quiet and hidden away. Even when she drove you crazy, even when you fought, you still loved each other; you were sisters. So when you saw her there, looking so hopeless and broken, you felt your heart breaking.
“Hey” you said, your voice hoarse from what you thought was sleep.
You sat up, trying to lay your hand over your sister’s back. It went right through her. A shiver ran down her spine, her tears still flowing, sobs choking her and closing up her throat. You tried to hold back your scream, but you couldn’t help the small yelp that made you sit further back on the bed.
“S/N? S/N?” you asked, your voice cracking.
Your sister wiped the tears that stained her cheeks, only for new ones to come and take their place. She placed her palms over her eyes, covering them in an effort to stop the tears from spilling.
You took a big breath, only to realize you didn’t need it. The air almost choked you, the feeling of it icy as it reached your lungs. You panicked, calling your sister’s name again, your hands beginning to shake.
And then you felt it. Your hand had touched the place over your heart by accident, an accident that would cost you so much. There was nothing. Not a beat, no body heat, nothing. Your heart was still inside your chest, your body cold to the touch, even yours. The realization made you want to throw up.
You blacked out, only to wake up a few hours later on the floor of your now empty room. You looked around, hoping that the details of the room would help you understand what was happening to you.
The first day was truly terrifying. You couldn’t leave the room, your spirit wasn’t strong enough to pass through the walls or mess with the door to open it. So there you were, in the room that was supposed to be your safe place, alone and scared.
One day passed by, then two. On the third day, your nephew burst into your room in a fit of giggles. You shot up straight on your bed, your eyes darting from the little boy’s face to the open door.
“What are you doing here?” you mumbled, not expecting an answer.
You longed to go outside, see your sister again even for only a few moments. Your nephew was safely hiding behind the door, probably in a game of hide and seek with his mom. You walked out of the room, meeting your sister in the living room. She was almost lying on top of a coffee table filled with papers and she looked very concentrated.
You saw her scribble down numbers in a notepad on her lap, her eyes flying over paper after paper. Sighs left her lips constantly, making you feel so incredibly sorry to her. You knew what those papers were. Bills from the hospital, convenience store, the power company…
You shook your head, cursing yourself for going out of your room. You wallowed in self pity, hating yourself even more than you did before. Even in this state, you were hurting the ones you loved and it was killing you. It took weeks for you to manage to go out again, this time seeking solace in the roof. You learned that your spirit was also strong up there, so you spent many days there, away from the happenings of the downstairs apartments.
Your existence was just that: existing. You were alone, with no one to talk to and nothing to do. You existed because you could, because some higher power had deemed you worthy, to bring you back in this state.
It was torture. You wanted it to be over, you wanted it so badly that you almost jumped out of the roof a second time. It was nighttime this time, the sun had set some hours ago and you had grown tired of watching the blinking lights of the city before you. You were tired, you were done, you just wanted to be free again, to go back to your body whatever the consequences.
However, as you tried to climb onto the edge, an invisible barrier stopped you from doing so, making you wrap yourself in the familiar blanket of self pity once more. With all those hours left alone, you thought and thought and thought, so hard your head was aching and throbbing.
Until one day Jaehyun appeared. You were shocked that he had seen you and talked to you, but ultimately, you were grateful for his company. You were even more shocked when you discovered he could touch you. You raised your hand at the memory, holding it up and examining it. Why him? How?
The questions kept repeating themselves in your head, not for the first time since you’d met the boy. With each passing day and with every time you stopped to think about it, it only helped you raise more and more of them. You'd met him a couple of times already, trying to keep it cool each time so that you didn’t freak him out. A small voice in the back of your head told you he is your salvation, the answer to all your questions. But you couldn’t believe that. Not yet.
While these thoughts were occupying your mind, your sister came back from her shift. All was quiet in the house, your nephew fast asleep and his father passed out on the couch so it wasn’t hard for you to hear the rattling of keys as your sister came in.
You decided to go out and see her, as you knew her shifts had been extra hard lately. All you wished for was to be able to comfort her, but alas, you could only watch and suffer. She headed straight to the kitchen and you followed, hot on her heels. You watched as she poured herself red wine in a plastic kids’ cup, taking two big gulps before taking a seat at the kitchen table.
You sat in the chair opposite of hers. You earned to pour yourself a glass of wine, sit on this table with her and just talk. Tell her how lonely you felt, how you just wanted it all to be over, how you cursed yourself everyday. Talk to her about anything and everything, tell her how sorry you were, how much you missed her. Tell her about the strange boy that was turning your rooftop into a small garden.
“I’m here for you. Always” you whispered.
As if she heard you, a string of mumbling escaped from her lips. You couldn’t exactly tell what she was talking about at first, but as she kept rambling her voice kept getting stronger, until it reached the level of a whisper and you began to hear her thoughts.
“... He… Seemed so shocked… Devastated almost. But how? Maybe I should go over there, see what he has to say. But what if it’s just bullshit? A really good act?” she keeps talking and you struggle to keep up with her train of thought.
Then you notice it. A small piece of cloth is in your sister’s other hand, the one which isn’t holding the wine. The blue colour all too familiar to you, even the initials your grandma helped you sew on it.
It’s the handkerchief you lent to Jaehyun. You remember clearly, handing the handkerchief to him and him taking it as if it was the easiest thing in the world. You remember, Jaehyun telling you he had washed your handkerchief but forgot it downstairs. You remember how happy you had felt, to know that there was at least one person you could touch, interact with.
But how could your sister have it? It would mean that she met Jaehyun. And that they talked. It would mean that Jaehyun had told her-
You panicked, your mind rushing from question to question so fast you almost forgot to pay attention to your sister’s words. You willed your thoughts to stop, there would be much time for that later. Almost done with her wine, she got more and more vocal,
“She had it in her pocket God dammit. I just… I don’t get it. Nothing makes sense”
“Go to sleep S/N. Don’t stress over it” you whispered, knowing she couldn’t listen.
She rubbed her eyes, draining the wine from her cup. Placing the now empty cup on the table, she shook her head, turning to stare at the handkerchief between her fingers. She brought it closer to her face, inspecting it for what you could tell was not the first time. When she found nothing wrong or misleading about it, she dropped it on the table, running a hand through her hair.
She was frustrated, you knew that, you could tell. And tired, so bone-dead tired. Your heart, still as a rock inside your chest, went out to her. Everyday, you beat yourself up, hoping you could help her… Put her out of her misery. But your hands were tied.
Stella got up, leaving the handkerchief and the cup on the kitchen table, to be picked up the following morning. Her footsteps dragged across the floor as she disappeared behind her bedroom door. You sighed, an unnecessary action that- at least- helped release some of the pressure on your chest.
Back in the safety of your room, you ran your hands through your hair, squeezing against your skull, trying to get your brain to work. What now? you asked yourself.
Jaehyun woke up feeling even more tired. The rest of the day passed by in a blur as he grabbed a bite of his grandma’s special “it heals everything and it makes you happy” soup, did the dishes in an effort to keep his hands and mind occupied and lied down once again, reaching for oblivion.
That night, he dreamt of you.
He was walking around streets he didn’t recognize, panic slowly rising inside of him as he turned yet another corner in the maze-like city of his imagination. He walked fast, reaching yet another crossway. Left or right? He asked himself. He glanced to both ways, both streets looking nearly identical. Only…
He turned right, taking big strides to make haste. Why was he rushing again? He didn’t know. He couldn’t know. His eyes scanned the street in front of him. Something was… No, someone was lying in the middle of the street. He was horrified to discover it was you. Your limbs were turned in awkward angles, your neck almost snapped, blood pooling around your body.
His lips formed your name, screams ripping his throat. He ran to your side, kneeling next to your body, hands shaking, vision blurry. He was rambling, talking to you even though you couldn’t hear, not knowing what to do in his panicked state.
Then you opened your eyes. Only they weren’t your eyes. They were filled with black, all human features wiped out and replaced with a bottomless black. You said his name with a voice that wasn’t yours but demon-like, making him crawl away from you in fear.
As he crawled away from you, you moved. You moved like a string puppet, an animatronic, your movements seemingly being controlled by someone else and completely out of tune. When you said his name once again, a smile now growing on your bloody lips, Jaehyun screamed.
He woke up with a start, almost falling from his bed. He saved himself at the last minute, rolling his body in the opposite direction. He was breathing heavily, beads of sweat decorating his forehead as he desperately tried to control his breathing.
He composed himself, rubbing at his eyes in an attempt to discard the images of his dream. He threw the covers away from his body, heading straight for the shower. He allowed for the cold water to flow over him, wash away his thoughts as well as the memories of his dream. He stepped out of the shower, pulling on some clothes and heading for the kitchen.
He poured himself a bowl of cereal as well as a glass of his favourite juice, and joined his grandma in the living room, a fake smile plastered across his face.
Remember, everything is normal, he told himself.
“Good morning Jaehyun!” his grandma greeted him.
“Good morning, grandma,” Jaehyun said, his body sinking in the comfortable couch.
“How are you feeling today? Any better?” she asked, her face falling slightly.
Jaehyun hated the fact that he had worried his grandma. He knew for a fact her health had been declining for a while now, and he wanted nothing else than for her to be okay.
“Yes I am. It was probably nothing to worry about. I’ll start wearing a hat, sunscreen and all and I’ll be okay” he said, eating a spoonful of his cereal as if to prove his point.
His grandma nodded, satisfied with Jaehyun’s answer. She returned her attention to the TV, flicking through the channels to find one of the police shows she liked to watch. Having located some NCIS reruns, she laid back in her armchair, her attention set on the show. Jaehyun kept shoving spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth, watching his grandma with his peripheral vision.
“I think I’m going to go out and do some shopping today. I’ll probably be a little late for lunch, is that okay?” he asked, trying to act nonchalant, taking a sip of his juice.
His grandma only nodded, flailing one hand as if to tell him to go on and do whatever he wanted, as long as she could watch her show in peace. Jaehyun smiled at her reaction, her quirks and mannerisms all too familiar to him. Draining his glass, he left a peck on his grandma’s cheek before pulling on some shoes, grabbing his earplugs, phone and wallet as well as a jacket and walking out of the apartment.
He pressed the elevator button, waiting for it to arrive on his floor by looking through his saved playlists for one that fit his mood. He had no luck there, so he turned to look at all his saved albums for something that could help quiet down his mind. The elevator announced its arrival with a small ‘ding’ and Jaehyun walked in, pressing the button for the ground floor.
“Wait! Hold the elevator please!” a voice called to him.
Jaehyun acted quickly, shoving his foot in front of the elevator doors, hoping the action would be enough to keep the doors from closing. The doors indeed stopped, and a woman came into view, breathless. When she got in the elevator, she turned to look at Jaehyun, probably to thank him.
It was your sister. Jaehyun hated that his eyes widened, but he was relieved to see the same form of shock appear in your sister’s face. He just then realized he had no idea what her name was, making him feel even more awkward. He fidgeted with the wire of his earplugs, desperate to find something to say.
“Thank you. For keeping the elevator. I’m kind of running late.” your sister said.
Jaehyun nodded, his ears ringing with the words she had told him the previous evening. “My sister has been in a coma for three months”. It felt like a lifetime ago.
“Can I ask your name?” she asked him.
Jaehyun turned to look at her, immediately regretting his action and gluing his eyes to his shoes. Why did you have to look so much like each other? He took a deep breath, trying to ground himself.
“I’m Jaehyun” he said, his voice a little more hoarse than he would’ve liked.
“I’m S/N. I’m-” you were saying, pausing to take a deep breath “I’m Y/N’s sister.”
As she finished her words, she extended her hand for Jaehyun to take. Jaehyun felt weird as she shook your sister’s hand in the elevator of your apartment complex. They arrived at the ground floor, the doors opening in front of them and Jaehyun allowed your sister to get off first.
“I hope I didn’t scare you last night. You seemed… Distraught” she said.
Jaehyun didn’t know how to reply to that. What could he have said? That he had just met you a couple of weeks ago up on your roof? That you had talked, that you had been the first friend he thought he had made here? No, he couldn’t really say that. So he stayed silent, hoping that her rush would allow him to slip away quickly.
“Do you want to see her?” she asked out of the blue.
“What?” Jaehyun almost barked, stunned by the sudden question.
“Would you like to visit her? In the hospital?” she asked again.
“Look S/N, I…” he said, allowing his voice to drift off.
He what? How could he explain? What could he say? As his mind was running, your sister pushed a piece of paper into his hands.
“This is my number. I know this may be hard for you. Just… think about it. Maybe she’ll like to see you. Call me anytime.” she said.
With a small squeeze to his hand and a longing look, she took off. Jaehyun stayed in front of the building for a few minutes, just standing there, her number in hand. He snapped out of it eventually, shoving the piece of paper in his pocket and the earplugs in his ears. He had more things to think about than he had planned.
He walked aimlessly through the streets of the still unfamiliar city. It was so different from the other cities his dad’s job had brought him to. This city felt almost small, not in a suffocating way but more of an intimate sort of way. He couldn’t explain it, he couldn’t put his finger on what irked him but… He hoped that he could grow to love it.
His mind recalled the maze-like city of his dreams and he was glad that his reality didn’t look anything like it. His hand unconsciously tapped the phone in his back pocket, a reminder that Google maps would be here to guide him through this city.
He allowed his mind to wander, his thoughts running, the music in his ears offering him little comfort. His gaze moved to the sky, the view of white clouds moving on it making him feel less lonely.
“Why do we sometimes see the moon, even during daytime?” he remembered your words once again.
It had become a constant thought in his head, a question he strived to answer. He couldn’t tell how or why, but your words had affected him, making him want to talk to you and get to know you.
But how could he? Were you even real? How could it be possible for you to touch him, for him to see you while your body was stuck in a hospital, in a coma? Nothing made sense, he decided. Maybe all along, you were the one who held the answers and not him.
It’s history repeating itself huh? Jaehyun thought, and he hated himself for thinking it. That was the past. This was now. He drowned those thoughts away, turning his attention back to the road before him and the music in his ears. He smiled at one of his favourite songs playing, a small silver lining to his day.
He remembered he actually had some shopping to do, so he stopped his movements, turning his attention to his phone for guidance. With newfound purpose, he began to walk in the direction the small arrow in his phone was indicating.
Soon after, he was walking out of the store with bags in his hands and a smile in his face. He was walking back to his apartment, when he heard the music stop flowing in his ears, his phone beginning to buzz in his back pocket. He moved the bags on one of his hands, bringing out his phone and smiling when he saw the caller’s ID.
“Hey man,” he said into the speaker.
Jaehyun was carrying three heavy bags of fertilizer up the narrow staircase that led to the roof. He had avoided the place as discreetly as he possibly could, giving himself a couple of days off and filling his days with whatever he could. Thankfully his grandma didn’t notice a pattern, no one asked any questions and he had some much needed time to sort out his thoughts. His hands were always busy, be it with assembling a new shoe rack he bought from IKEA or trying out new recipes. His mind on the other hand…
He tried to think of something else, anything other than his ‘situation’ as he liked to call it. When he met up with Mark for a trip to IKEA he almost spilled the beans right then and there, the words reaching the tip of his tongue. But he composed himself quickly and Mark served as a great distraction, his ceaseless rambling helping Jaehyun forget, even for a little while.
Your sister’s number was still on the small piece of paper, hidden away in one of his jacket’s pockets. He didn’t know what to do with it, whether to call to turn down her offer or to say that he would, in fact like to see you. He didn’t know how to face her, what he could possibly tell her, who to turn to.
So he got stuck inside his head, and tried to at least keep his hands busy as he spent time with his grandma and Mark. And after days of putting it off, here he was, climbing the steps that led to the rooftop… That possibly led to you.
He reached the top with visible effort, dropping the bags near the door and letting out a big sigh. He was breathing heavily, his back screaming in pain as he righted himself, taking a look around.
That was when he saw you. You were standing on the edge of the roof, hands leaning on the railing as your eyes were stuck on the sky. Jaehyun remembered your words once again, his eyes darting to the sky. But of course, there would be no daylight moon today. Instead, the full moon would reign over the sky in all its glory.
Jaehyun took a moment to wonder when the moon’s cycle had become so important to him that he memorised it. But of course, it was when he met you. When one simple question sent him out to solve a mystery. Would he really be the one to solve it?
He shook his head, his hands hanging awkwardly on his sides. How should he make his presence known? Cough? Say hello? His mind was racing, as was his heart, small beads of sweat appearing on his forehead as he stood next to the door, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
“Hey” he finally said.
For some reason, the word felt strange leaving his mouth. You turned around, not stunned by his greeting as he expected, but with a shy smile on your lips. You looked at him from under your eyelashes and Jaehyun turned his attention to the bags, carrying them further into his small garden.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” you said.
Your words almost made Jaehyun drop the bag. He swallowed his first reaction, placing the bag near a pot and turning his attention to you.
“You were?” he asked, his voice coming out shy.
“I wanted to talk to you… If that’s okay” you asked.
Jaehyun knew this was coming. He should’ve done more to prepare himself for this conversation, but all he wanted to do now was hide. It was hard for him to meet your gaze, even harder to imagine turning you down.
With a deep breath, he sat down on a makeshift bench he and Mark had assembled to rest on. With a wave of his hand, he motioned for you to sit beside him, making you smile at the gesture.
“Look, Y/N, I-” he tried to say, only for you to cut him off.
“Jaehyun, please. I know how hard these days must’ve been for you. I know I should make some things clear to you… And I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before. Maybe now you understand me better, understand why I’ve been trying to keep my distance, why I ran away that day Mark was here. When I first saw you, when you first talked to me I was so shocked but so, so happy. I’ve been so lonely since I… I wish I could explain better, there are so many things even I don’t understand that well. I don’t know what’s happening, or why or… I don’t know anything to be honest. I only know that I’m here, and you’re the only one that can hear me.” you said, feeling breathless.
Jaehyun was listening intently to your words, hoping that you would be holding the answers to all the questions that had been plaguing him for days. But now, it seemed that it was the other way around. That you were hoping Jaehyun held answers, while he was sitting in the dark just as much as you were.
“I wish I had some answers for you. I wish I could explain what was happening to both of us, but I have to be honest and say I am just as lost as you are. When your sister… When she told me you were in a coma, I thought I was going to lose my mind. And then the next day, she asked me to visit you and I…” he was saying, but now it was your turn to cut him off.
“She asked you to visit me? She really did that?” you asked him, shock evident in your voice.
“Yes. We were riding the elevator and… It seemed like she came prepared. Handed me her number and everything.” he said.
You looked as if you were deep in thought and Jaehyun felt like he could see the gears inside your head turning. His thoughts too drifted off, to how natural it felt to sit beside you, talk to you like this, as if this wasn’t just a shadow of your body. He ran a hand through his hair, trying not to overthink everything once again as he gave you time to mull over his words.
“Jaehyun, maybe you should go” you spoke up.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked, unable to conceal the hurt in his voice.
Your head turned to him quickly, your hair bouncing around your face. He couldn’t help but notice how beautiful you were, the light catching at your hair and making your eyes change colour every time you turned your head.
“Absolutely not.” you said, your hand coming to rest on top of his to emphasize your point.
Smiles grew in both your faces, Jaehyun holding your hand firmly in his. His heart grew warm from the feeling, the sight of your entwined hands making him feel giddy. Maybe he should’ve thought it weird, maybe he should’ve freaked out. But there, in that moment, he felt… Peaceful.
“I was saying that maybe you should go to the hospital. Visit my body. I don’t know, maybe that…” you said, letting your voice trail off.
“You think it could help wake you up?” he asked.
Your eyes met and he felt his heart clench at your sorrowful look. He really couldn’t tell whether you wanted to wake up or not. He only hoped you did, that you were ready to face the world once again.
“Maybe” you answered his question.
“Then I’ll do it.” he said.
A voice was heard from downstairs, followed by a ringtone. Jaehyun fumbled for his phone, taking it out of his pocket and accepting the call without much thought. He raised a finger to indicate for you to wait, at which you nodded.
“Where are you, you asshole?” a chirpy voice asked from the other end of the line.
“I’m fixing some things up on the roof. You should be here to see it, man. It’s coming together real good. Once some of these things start growing properly… It’s going to be a dream” he said.
“Well won’t you look at that” the voice said, somehow sounding closer than Jaehyun expected.
He saw your eyes widen, staring at something in front of you as a gasp almost choked you. Jaehyun turned on his heels to face the door. There, in the entrance of the rooftop stood his best friend, a wide smile spread across his features, arms open, inviting him in for a hug.
Jaehyun lowered his phone from his ear, nearly dropping it as he stared at the man opposite him. You and Jaehyun both spoke up at the same time, two voices raised in unison to ask the same thing. A name, which in this case served as a question of its own.
“Why do we sometimes see the moon, even during the daytime?”
Jaehyun didn’t know, nor did he care to notice that such a thing existed; it was a mystery to him, but you were a bigger enigma.
Jaehyun lowered his phone from his ear, nearly dropping it as he stared at the man opposite him. You and Jaehyun both spoke up at the same time, two voices raised in unison to ask the same thing. A name, which in this case served as a question of its own.
“Johnny?”
It took Jaehyun a moment to process that you had just said his best friend’s name and he had to muster all the self-control that he could manage to not to turn and look at you in shock. Instead, he swallowed hard, continuing to stare at Johnny. He rose from the bench slowly, but quickly hurried over, a short laugh leaving his throat as he embraced him.
“When you asked for my address, I thought you were going to send me a package or something,” Jaehyun said through a grin, giving his friend a solid smack on the shoulder as they part, “not this.”
“Getting into the building was the hard part. I could’ve just gotten your address from Mark. Thankfully, your grandma was home to buzz me in. I think she loves me already.” Johnny’s familiar grin was like a piece of home. One would think that Jaehyun had gotten used to moving around, as he’d done so his entire life, but being in a new place was always somewhat strange. It was nice to see his friend again.
“Of course she does,” he said, unable to hide the happiness in his voice. “Are you here for business or for pleasure, then?”
“Why not both?” As Johnny started to talk more, Jaehyun remembered you. He did his best to resist looking over his shoulder at the place where he left you, but shifted on his feet impatiently as time went on. “...so, I hope your weekend is free so we can check the place out.”
“Since I’m here, do you want to do something now? Unless I interrupted you here?” Johnny’s eyes were warm, a soft caramel brown that shined with obliviousness.
“I can finish this up tomorrow afternoon.” He said it loudly enough that he hoped you heard. Though he didn’t leave off with much more to say to you, he felt like the conversation wasn’t even close to over. That’s how it always goes with you - something left unsaid, unfinished. One of the two of you always has to leave and, this time, it’s him. “I’ll make you something good for dinner as a welcome back meal.”
“I thought you’d never offer.” Johnny turned back towards the entrance to the roof, then stopped a moment later and faced outwards again, taking in the view. “By the way… it’s really nice up here.”
Jaehyun turned as well, following the general sweep of Johnny’s gaze, except really looking towards where he stood talking with you a few minutes ago. To his disappointment, but no great surprise, you were gone. “Thanks. I guess it is.”
In your room, you’re alone. After feeling Jaehyun’s touch, a warmth you were no longer accustomed to feeling, your contactless existence felt even more hollow. You’ll meet with him tomorrow, you decided, if not just to brush your hand against his once more. Also, because you have to talk about him. About visiting your body. And about Johnny.
Johnny... he’s back. He’s here. The notion terrified you and excited you at the same time. If your sister sees him…
You supposed you’re not the only ghost around these parts anymore.
After talking with you today and then having spent time with Johnny, one of the warmest presences in his life, Jaehyun lied in bed at the end of the night feeling far more relaxed than he had for quite a few days. That is, until he dug out the piece of paper your sister had given him. With his phone in one hand and the paper with her number scrawled on it in the other, he hesitated. The message was fully typed out, just a “Hey, this is Jaehyun from down the hall. Could you send me what hospital and room number Y/N is in?” but he couldn’t send it. He preoccupied himself with double-triple-quadruple checking that he typed her number in correctly, read his message over and over again for grammar and spelling mistakes, dwelled on other ways he could phrase it.
He thought about the look in your eyes on the rooftop. Though you had asked him to go, that lack of conviction on your face was what was making this message take fifteen minutes to send instead of just one. He usually thought of himself as an optimist, though now his mind was in a jumble, trying to figure what would really be the best thing to do. His thoughts spiralled in and out of doubt, wondering if you truly wanted him to do this, wondering if this will even work. Wondering, once again, if history was repeating itself.
Then, he remembered some wise words from his grandmother. ‘If you can try, you should. It may just be worth it.’ Though she probably hadn’t meant that saying for something like this, they were the last push he needed. He pressed send.
You watched from the hallway between your room and your sister’s as her phone lit up. Her hair was arranged in its usual nighttime style and she was just about to crawl under the covers of her bed when her eyes caught on the received text message. The small, pleasant smile that graced her worn face made you mirror her look. You could only hope that the news makes her sleep well tonight.
The text that Jaehyun was greeted with, about five minutes after he sent his own, was very straightforward. It contained the exact information he had asked for, including the address of the hospital, and ended with a ‘I don’t know how you know her, but thank you for caring.’
That night, his dreams were soundless, sightless, but filled with a kind of warmth that he couldn’t describe with words. It wasn’t at all a nightmare, but he still woke up with a heavy feeling in his chest.
This time around, Jaehyun didn’t avoid meeting you. If anything, he stretched the definition of ‘afternoon’ to be far earlier than most people think of it. He arrived on the roof at 11:30 in the morning and, at first, shuffled around the area, absentmindedly staring at different pots and gardening fixtures that he’d installed up here as he wished that time would move faster. After about fifteen minutes were spent unproductively, he decided that he might as well make use of his time. He spent another hour and a half heaving the bags of fertilizer that he brought up previously to where he needed them, packed it into the planters, and pulled weeds. The manual labor made him work up a sweat. Though he had gotten into the habit of bringing his own towel to wipe it away, a part of him still wished he had your handkerchief. His thoughts briefly wandered to you again - how you had handed him the item, what it means to you - and that seemed to be enough to summon you.
From the doorway to the stairs, you stood watching him for a moment. He wiped away sweat, shined in the sun, still glistened slightly despite the hat that he had started wearing, and crouched in front of a planter so that he could get a better look at the nothing that appeared to be growing in it. He didn’t notice you at first because your footsteps were soundless.
“That’s where you planted them, right? The Four O’clocks?” You saw his muscles tense in surprise, though that was the most reaction you got for sneaking up on him. Still, an apology left your mouth. “Sorry.”
He shook his head. “Don’t apologize, I just didn’t notice you until now.” His eyes shifted back to the planter in front of him. “And, yeah. They haven’t popped up yet for some reason, though. I’ll have to do more research.”
He stood, brushed his gloves against each other to get some of the extra dirt off, and removed them, stepping over towards where he had left some of his other stuff. As he walked, you trailed along next to him, watching the way a drop of sweat slid down from his hairline into his shirt. It had been a long time since you’d felt temperature - neither a cold breeze nor the sun’s warmth had touched your skin. You weren’t sure if you missed it or not. The only time you had really felt any heat were the times you touched-
The times you touched Jaehyun.
Something inside of you twinged with both pain and hope. If fate existed, he must be a sign of something good to come in your future, right? The key to all of this. Though just yesterday both of you realized that neither one of you had the answer to what was happening to you, you felt like all you could do was cling to even the smallest bit of feeling that he was returning to your life.
“I texted your sister.” He said, snapping you out of your thoughts. A small towel was in one of his hands, which he had clearly used to wipe away sweat while you were trapped in your thoughts. There was a small smile on his lips that you quickly mirrored.
“I know.” Slowly, you reached for his hands, taking one of them in your own, his palm gently held between yours. The warmth seemed to seep into your very being. You swore you could even feel the slight slick of sweat on his palms. “Jaehyun, thank you.”
He tilted his head and his smile became puzzled. “I haven’t even visited you yet.”
“Even just contacting my sister meant the world to her. And that means even more to me.” You tentatively released his hand, the feeling of aliveness quickly leaving your body. “When are you going to go?”
“I was thinking tomorrow.” The immediacy struck you. Tomorrow was so… soon. When you had forgotten your doubts for the last little while, they returned again.
“Tomorrow… tomorrow is good,” you forced yourself to say. The determination on his face told you more about him - once he’s set his mind on something, it’s hard to get him to diverge from that path. He was dead set on helping you.
Silence flowed between you for a moment, only the distant rushing of traffic from the small city below infiltrated the bubble of the rooftop. Jaehyun broke eye contact with you, his tongue flicking out as he nervously wetted his lips. “How do you know Johnny?”
You took a deep breath, like you would if you were trying to ease your nervousness when you were in your own body. “It’s not so much that I know him. It’s more my sister.” You stepped towards the railing at the edge of the building, looking out at the city and the blue sky above. It was far too early for a daytime moon, being a bit past noon. “They were a thing in high school. People really thought they would end up together forever, but college got in the way of that. Now, she’s with that… that piece of human trash that calls himself her boyfriend.” Though your tone had started off pleasant, wistful, remembering a softer past, it quickly turned bitter. Being stuck in the state you were in, you had spent more than enough time wandering aimlessly around your apartment, watching him do nothing all day, watching him waste time and resources. A part of you really believed that her current boyfriend was just a placeholder for the hole that Johnny left when he went away, but you didn’t tell Jaehyun that. It might be better just to leave your hypotheses to yourself for now.
Since you were staring out, speaking to the city air instead of facing Jaehyun, you couldn’t gauge his reaction. The more of your explanation he heard, the more surprise showed in his eyes. After you finished speaking, you took a moment, glared down at the city below, and then composed yourself and turned back around to look at him. He stepped forward, joining you against the railing. “That… explains a lot.” There was a strange smile on his face, like he was finally understanding something. “Johnny never really dated seriously in university. Always seemed kind of hung up on someone from the past. He never named her to me, in all the years I’ve known him.”
“You know him from college, then?”
He nodded. “Yeah. He’s my best friend. Small world, isn’t it?” You realized the particular irony of the statement to your situation, as you couldn’t leave this building, never mind the town, and let out a snort of laughter. “I guess that explains why he suggested we start the restaurant here.”
You stood in silence again, staring out at the rooftop garden instead of at the street below this time. Though some parts of the garden were still rough around the edges, it no longer looked like the roof was abandoned. The area teemed with new life, tiny splotches of green disrupting the brown of the soil and fertilizer as most everything that he’d planted had started growing by now. Everything except the Four O’clocks. “Jaehyun?” He looked towards you, humming in acknowledgment. “Even if visiting my body doesn’t help, I’m still glad that I met you.”
“If only it was under better circumstances,” he agrees. His eyes fell on the wall that led to where the mural was. “Hey, when you wake up, do you want to finish that mural? I think it would really tie this place together. I’ll even buy the paint for it.”
You looked in the same direction as him, the image of the unfinished painting clear in your head. Right now, you really had no desire to do anything with it, but you supposed that Jaehyun made a good point. “I guess. It would be nice to have a brush in my hand again.”
The sound of a car honking loudly from below shattered the tender moment, startling both of you. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he fished it out, glancing at the incoming message from Johnny.
‘Where do you want to go for lunch?’
“Shit.” He pushed off of the railing, standing up straight. “I forgot that I’m meeting up with Johnny and Mark in an hour.” He started to gather his stuff from the top of the crate where he had left it before glancing over and catching your eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow? You won’t run away again?”
You shook your head. “See you tomorrow, Jaehyun.”
When he walked to the roof exit, he turned around to look at you again. You were seated on the old crate that he first saw you on, in those same dark denim overall shorts with the paint splashes and white tee. Like you could sense him staring at you, you turned slightly. As you did so, your image seemed to waver slightly, as if the sunlight was moving through your opaque being; a strange mirage in the afternoon air. He blinked and you appeared normal again, so he raised a hand in a final farewell for the day. After you returned the gesture, he disappeared into the stairwell.
For the rest of the day, he intermittently thought of you. Johnny and Mark largely kept him distracted, helping him plan some of the items he’ll have on the menu of his restaurant, what the interior could look like, what to name it. As they drove around after lunch, the conversation shifted.
“Dude,” Mark said, “I heard that Ten is also in town right now. You should visit him.”
“I haven’t seen him in years.” Johnny said, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. “It would be nice to catch up.”
Jaehyun chimed in at that. “Ten from high school?”
“Yeah. I’m kind of surprised that you remember me talking about him.”
“Do you still talk to anyone else from back then?” There was a slight insistence to Jaehyun’s voice that perplexed Johnny. Jaehyun knew he probably shouldn’t have been pushing this hard, especially since his best friend never opened up to him about it before, but he couldn’t help it. “There’s this girl who lives on my floor who seems about your age.”
“Are you trying to get me to hook you up with someone? It’s about time.”
“No,” Jaehyun said firmly, his eyebrows furrowed. “And you know I wouldn’t have a problem with that if I wanted to talk to a girl.”
“Tell that to your ex. If I hadn’t pushed you to talk to her-”
“I don’t want to talk about her.” There was a snap to Jaehyun’s tone that he usually didn’t use and it cut off the conversation quickly. Mark shifted uncomfortably in his seat, checking his phone. Jaehyun almost decided to drop the topic entirely, but he felt like he owed it to you to ask. “The girl from my floor is named S/N L/N.”
The tapping of his fingers against the wheel stopped. Slowly, Johnny’s grip tightened. Normally, Johnny was in complete control of his emotions. Now, he didn’t seem angry, but it clearly evoked something in him when Jaehyun said your sister’s name. “Yeah. I know her.”
Mark nudged Jaehyun, raising his eyebrows in an attempt to communicate with him nonverbally. Jaehyun ignored the signal. “Were you close?”
Johnny shrugged, forcing himself to relax slightly as he drove. “You could say that.”
No one spoke for a while, until a familiar, nostalgic song played on the radio, reigniting the conversation. Jaehyun planned on leaving the conversation at that, inviting the two over for dinner. As afternoon turned to evening, they returned to his apartment complex. When he stepped out of the car, he couldn't resist looking up. The roof seemed like such a long way from here. He shook his head slightly to clear it and led his friends to his apartment. The elevator ride was short and empty of anyone but them, with Mark gushing about eating his food again. When the doors opened to his floor, he got out and nearly walked right past her. Johnny didn’t, though.
As soon as he exited the elevator, his friend saw her. Jaehyun stopped walking when he saw that Johnny wasn't with him and Mark. Johnny was having some sort of staredown with your sister. She had the same bag on her shoulder that she did the last time Jaehyun saw her, though the sunglasses were missing this time, leaving her expressions largely unguarded.
She seemed to swallow heavily, taken aback by this ghost from the past. “John.”
“S/N.” All Jaehyun and Mark could do was watch. They stared at each other for a moment longer before Johnny once again forced himself to relax a bit and offered her a small smile. “Jaehyun was telling me about how you live on the same floor.”
“What are you doing back here?” She said, cutting right to the chase. She seemed far more outwardly unhappy to see him than he did to see her.
“Visiting. Probably going to move back soon, though.” He was watching, carefully assessing her reaction. He stood tall, his hands in his pockets, casual. She appeared much more stiff, weighed down more by life than he had been in the years since they’d seen each other.
“I thought you wanted to get out of this town?” There was a certain bitterness to her voice that was very personal. Almost resentful.
“You still remember that?”
“How could I forget?”
Jaehyun and Mark glanced at each other, wondering if they should do something. At those words, though, Johnny’s smile brightened slightly. “I’m glad I’m unforgettable.”
“This isn’t about you anymore.” Johnny’s face fell slightly at that, eliminating the slight cheer that he had just gained. “I have to go.” As she reached the elevator, she turned back to them, looking Jaehyun in the eyes. Her eyes were piercing, though they didn’t seem to hold any malice, only confusion. “You’re really strange, Jaehyun.”
It crossed Jaehyun’s mind that he might have started something far beyond his depth or control. After the elevator doors closed with her behind them, Johnny turned back towards him and Mark. “Dinner?”
As he cooked, Jaehyun watched the sun set outside the window adjacent to the kitchen section of the apartment. From here, he couldn’t see if the moon was out yet, but he thought about it and he thought about you. He wondered if you were thinking about him, too.
The way you thought about Jaehyun was with the sort of desperation someone who was hanging onto the edge of a cliff thought about a rope. Right now, he was your lifeline for more reasons than one. In your dark room, the emptiness felt suffocating. You lied sideways on your bed, staring at the ceiling, untaken by the sleep you no longer require. Back when you were alive, you might have taken the time to paint him, capture the way he had made you feel in the short time you’ve known him and the few conversations you’ve had with him. Then, you would have opened your sketchbook and flipped through the drawings from better days, ignored the darker sketches of more recent times.
You wondered if your sister had flipped through those drawings since it happened, seen the last picture you created. It was a self-portrait of sorts, though your eyes were filled with black and your limbs were strung up like a marionette. Out of control in your own life, close to being soulless. You didn’t know nor remember what had possessed you to draw it and you wished you had finished with something brighter. It didn’t matter anyways - the book was stuck on your shelf with some of your other things, out of reach of your touchless world. What did matter was what’s going to happen tomorrow.
The more you thought about it, the more the doubts bounced around in the transparent space of wherever you would call your mind now, the more Jaehyun visiting your body in the hospital seemed like a terrible idea. It has been a long time that you’ve been like this and it’ll probably be an even longer time if you somehow wake up. You weren’t sure you were ready to be exhausted like that again.
You thought about your sister and her hunched figure over the dimly lit coffee table at night, the bills piling up, each dollar that leaves her bank account only adding a single grain of sand to the hourglass of the life she’s built here. She never really talked finances with you, but you knew it was never easy. You covered rent, but she tried to keep all of her other bills away from you. You dreaded more than wondered what would happen should that hourglass finally become empty. How much time does this life have left?
It only took you a moment to leave your room and reach her. She was exactly where you pictured her, though she wasn’t staring at the bills, trying to crunch numbers anymore. Her gaze was on her lump of a boyfriend asleep on the couch. “S/N,” you couldn’t help but whisper, “just leave him. Go to bed.”
For a heartbeat, it almost seemed like she heard you, or was at least about to pay herself a courtesy, as she rose from her place at the table and walked the short distance to the hallway adjoining the living area to the bedrooms. Then, she stopped, stared at the ground, and turned slightly, laying a hand on his shoulder. He began to stir as she spoke. “Honey…” the word rang bitter in your ears, “come to bed.”
The look he gave her through bleary eyes showed a type of spiritual rotting that had its roots deep in his core. “Bitch, I was asleep. Can’t you leave me in peace for one night?”
“You’ll sleep better in bed than on the couch…” The meekness with which she spoke had you curling your hands into tight fists, your nails digging into your palms. Both she and you knew that no matter what she did, she would always be wrong in his eyes. Always. If she hadn’t woken him, he would’ve gotten angry in the morning instead, bemoaning how she hadn’t woken him and gotten him to sleep on the bed instead. You’d seen that exact argument happen before. You couldn’t say how many times you’d seen this exact scene, too.
He grunted, slowly getting up. “Is that so?” He tilted his head, cracking his neck in something of a stretch. “You think you know better than me?”
“No,” she flinched as he raised a hand, “I’m sorry.”
The grin that filled his face wasn’t bright. It was crooked, sick, and it made you want to vomit when you knew you weren’t even capable of doing so. Back when they first started dating, he was much better at hiding the pleasure he takes in “besting” her, but now he didn’t even try. As he walked past her, he bumped her shoulder with his arm, making her draw herself in, attempting to minimize the space she took up. After he was gone, more safely away from her in their bedroom, she sank down onto the couch, wrapping her arms around her torso. She stared at the scattered bottles and trash on the small side table next to the soft. It took about a minute before she leaned forward, resting her face in her hands, slow tears falling down her cheeks. You couldn’t bear to look at her like this. Back when you were in your own body, you never knew she cried like this. When you couldn’t stand to watch the fighting without doing anything anymore, you would just lock yourself in your room and pray no one got hurt. Every bit of it, you regretted. You should’ve stood up to him more, stood by your sister, shared her pain. Regret was a bitter taste.
“Y/N,” you heard from her, a quiet plea into the night, “I’m sorry. Please come back.”
You’d heard her cry out for you before, but this time it hurt even more than usual. Your hands were still curled in fists and, after the feelings of regret and helplessness and pure rage boiled over, you lashed out, like you could hit one of the bottles on the table. The silence shattered as your hand made contact with the object, sending it clattering onto the wood surface of the side table, then rolling onto the floor. Your sister’s head snapped up, her eyes following the bottle. The last round of tears fell as she blinked rapidly and scrubbed at her eyes, trying to figure out what caused the bottle to move. She finally got up uneasily, now just dabbing gently at her eyes, before she picked up the bottle to dispose of it.
As she started to warily clean up the rest of the trash, you stared at your hands. There was no way…
It was late by the time your sister joined her boyfriend in bed and it was only slightly later when Jaehyun settled down to sleep. Johnny hadn’t spoken about Stella for the rest of the night and Jaehyun hadn’t asked. He agreed to meet him in two days to check out locations for the restaurant, and that was that. In some ways, he was grateful. The more he involved himself in this situation, the more he felt like everything was spiraling out of control. But, in the opposite way, he wished something more had changed. He just hoped that visiting your body will lead him to something better.
It took a little while, but he eventually fell asleep.
He didn’t remember arriving in the hospital, just opening the door to your room. Your hair was longer than it was when he saw you on the roof and you appeared almost skeletal, your cheekbones hollow and eye sockets sunken in deeper than they should be. Hadn’t the doctors been taking care of you?
When he leaned over, taking your hand, your eyes immediately flickered open, as if you’d been waiting for him. He blinked and you transformed, your skin glowing with life and hair full and luscious. “Jaehyun, you saved me.”
Your voice came out as a warble, confusing and bird-like. Not at all how you sounded when he talked to you before. He tried to speak, but you cut him off. “Y/N-”
“You saved me, you saved me.” You repeated, the mantra becoming a sort of chant as you stared at him, unblinking. The fingers on the hand that he was still grasping began to turn into talons, sharp and digging into his skin. “You saved me, you saved me, you saved me.”
He awakened in a cold sweat and bolted into an upright sitting position. The city birds that hung out outside his window were chirping, faintly reminding him of the way your dream-self had sounded. He shivered and pressed his face into his hands. Why did he keep having nightmares about you?
The sunlight streaming through the window was a small comfort, reminding him that things were fine. He considered going back to sleep, but figured that if his body wanted him to get up, he might as well. From what he saw on the hospital website, visiting hours didn’t start for a little while, so he had time to get ready and do some work on the garden before he left. The physical labor took his mind off of things for a while, but the car ride to the hospital certainly didn’t. His car felt far too empty and quiet even with one of his favorite playlists on. He considered himself lucky that the drive was short, though most of the medical traffic for the more rural nearby towns flowed to this hospital because it’s the nearest city, small as it is. The parking garage felt miserable, drab and lifeless, and the inside of the hospital itself felt no different. Stark white, sterile except the dirt streaks on the tiles from visitors’ feet, walls largely undecorated save for large signs warning about various diseases.
The lady at the front desk didn’t ask too many questions when he signed in and said your name. She simply gave him a visitor pass and let him through, scrawling down his name in a sign-in book. Your room was on the fourth floor, so he made his way to the elevator, passing by a few people who appeared far more tired than he did. They’d clearly spent a lot of time here. Some had red eyes from crying, some were simply hunched over, staring at nothing. The elevator was empty and stayed that way for the entirety of his short ride. On the fourth floor, there were fewer people, these strangers milling and sitting about. One guy, maybe around his age, was seated on a bench, staring at an apple that Jaehyun assumed he had placed down next to him. He glanced at the strange boy but kept walking, eventually standing in front of the door that he had been directed to by both the check-in lady and your sister.
The doorknob turned easily, though the door creaked as he pushed it, showing signs of age that the hospital had tried to simply paint over. He let himself in and closed the door behind him, finally turning around and allowing himself to look at your body.
Thankfully, you weren’t as skeletal as he feared you would be. He almost laughed at how different the room arrangement was from his dream as well, the relief making him relax slightly. Your body looked to be in quite good shape despite the amount of time that you’d been in a coma. Patches of your hair were clearly shorter than the rest, where he assumed you had to have some sort of surgery, though signs of said operation were no longer quite visible. IVs were stuck in your skin, providing you with the fluids that you needed to stay alive. Whatever this version of alive was. Your skin didn’t have quite the same sheen to it that it did when he talked to you, but you looked largely the same, like you were asleep. It was almost strange for him to see you in different clothes than your usual paint-stained overalls and white tee, the blue and white hospital gown seeming unnatural. He had only ever seen you in the warm outside lighting of the rooftop, so seeing you under this white fluorescent lighting was almost a strain to his eyes. The thought crossed his mind that you looked far better surrounded by green and brown and blue than you did by all of this white.
“Hi, Y/N,” he said quietly, walking closer to your body. There was an empty vase at your bedside, so he opened his bag, revealing the flowers that he had purchased on the way here. It was a pretty standard arrangement of pink roses and baby’s breath, but it brightened the room immensely. “It’s kind of strange to see you here. I hope these help. I would have brought you flowers from the roof, but they aren’t ready yet. Sorry.”
He didn’t know what he was looking for as he talked. Maybe a flicker of your eyelids, a twitch of your fingers. The air conditioning kicked on suddenly and the blast of chilly air made a few locks of your hair shift ever so slightly, almost tricking him into thinking that you moved on your own. After waiting for a moment, he finally reached for your hand. Your skin was colder here than it was when he touched you before. Your hand slotted into his nicely, but it was limp, unresponsive. A few minutes of nothing passed, time he spent just looking at you and repeating ‘please wake up’ in his head, before he quietly tucked your hand back under the covers of your bed.
“I hope you wake up soon,” he said, “so we can properly meet.”
As he exited the room, he kept his head down, mindlessly walking back to where he remembered the elevator being. The hallway was straight and long and, with his lack of attention, he ended up slamming into someone’s shoulder relatively hard. Both he and the other person staggered slightly, stopping in their tracks.
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking,” he said quickly, glancing sideways at the boy he had run into. He was the same guy he had seen sitting on the bench before, staring at the apple next to him. The look on his face was an extreme reaction, pure shock covering his features. Jaehyun cringed to himself. “Hey, I really didn’t mean-”
“You can see me. You can touch me.” The guy interrupted him, raising a hand to point at him. “It’s been so long since anyone’s been able to do that!” Oh shit.
“Look,” Jaehyun said quickly, panic immediately filling him, “I’m not trying to become some sort of ghost-whisperer. I’m already trying to help someone and I can’t handle more and more of you.”
“No, listen-” As Jaehyun tried to turn around, pretend like this never happened, the boy grabbed his arm, his fingers sharp as they dug into his skin slightly. “I saw you go into that girl’s room. From the sounds of it, you didn’t get what you wanted. I can help you.”
Jaehyun narrowed his eyes at that. “If you can help me, why are you still like this?”
“I can help you. And her.” Jaehyun’s eyes shifted towards the door that he had just left behind, then back to the boy gripping his arm. “But I need your help first.”
“Why do we sometimes see the moon, even during daytime?”
Jaehyun doesn’t know, nor did he care to notice that such a thing existed; it was a mystery to him, but you were a bigger enigma.
“I can help you. And her.” Jaehyun’s eyes shifted towards the door that he had just left behind, then back to the boy gripping his arm. “But I need your help first.”
“You want me to do what?” Jaehyun questioned, the shock evident in his voice.
“You can see it right?” the boy asked in anticipation, the glint of excitement sparkling in his eye as he continued, “the string.”
“Uh,” Jaehyun hesitated, nervous how to respond, “no I can’t.”
“Did you use the flash?” the guy bounced back, moving uncomfortably close to Jaehyun, pushing his way to see the screen of his phone.
“No I didn't bu-” Jaehyun frowned in frustration, “can I have my phone back?” he asked, struggling to hide his impatience and annoyance stirring up. The boy didn't respond, quickly flicking the camera app onto screen and switching it to the back camera, focusing the dot on his physical still body connected to the monitors on the hospital bed. Jaehyun stood leaning on one foot, arms crossed around his body and huffed in exasperation. Why did I even bother? He thought to himself.
“Look.”
Jaehyun grabbed the phone back without a second thought and lazily looked at the screen, not expecting anything until his jaw drops in awe, “W-What is that?” he stuttered out.
“It’s my connection to her.” The boy explained, taking a seat beside his own laid out body. Jaehyun has to rub his eyes again, afraid that he’s dreaming, seeing the two identical faces beside each other. There’s almost no difference in the complexion of their faces, if the boy lied still against his body with his eyes closed, Jaehyun was almost certain he would be unable to tell the difference. It scared him.
“To her?” Jaehyun asked, unable to comprehend everything.
“That string is connected to my soulmate.”
“Wait what?”
The boy gets up from the bed, beginning to pace back and forth between the doorway and his coma body, “I know it sounds crazy and stupid but I’ve researched this already, I’ve spent almost 4 years now, like this.” He glanced at Jaehyun for a sign of his following, “The string you just saw is connected to her.”
Jaehyun looked down at the phone in his hand, staring at the silver cord that seemed to emerge from the boy’s unconscious covered heart. He could see the string flow past out the photo frame and disappear behind the corner edge of his screen. “Where is she?” he asked, trying to interpret everything.
The boy stopped moving, clenching his fist tightly before unclasping it and turning to face the closed door, “She’s in the room next door.”
__
“Have you heard of the daytime moon?” The boy asked, leaning against the wooden bench chair and staring up into the sky.
Jaehyun’s interest perked up at the mention of the familiar term, “Yeah I have.” He takes a seat beside the boy, waiting for him to continue. The slow urgency in the boy’s movement pushes Jaehyun to carry on, “do you know what it means?”
The boy smiles to himself as he reaches his arms above his shoulder, stretching his body before sinking back into the chair, “It’s based on an old story actually.” Jaehyun has to gesture at him to keep going as the boy turns to make eye contact with him. “At the beginning the sun and moon were equal in greatness and luminance but then the moon was made to be smaller. Obviously, the moon became jealous of the sun and so she asked the universe, “Why can’t two kings wear the same crown?” The universe then replied to her “You’re not diminished, you may rule both in the day and night, you can signify the dates and years which people live by – and the sun will be given the part of seasons.”
Jaehyun thinks back to the day on the rooftop. What was the season back then? He pictured the memory of you sitting alone at the rooftop, spacing out at the sky. The wind had shaken the last few leaves on the floor of the roof around and the usual thoughts from his head had disappeared. It felt like so long ago since he had seen you and the thought just made him feel lonely.
The boy remained oblivious to the change in Jaehyun’s emotions as he carried on with his story, “So the moon was reduced to a fraction of her original size, deprived of her ability to generate her own light and reduced her luminance in the daytime – a punishment for her selfish inability to share with the sun. But, she was offered a new cycle of rebirth once a month, allowing her growth and a time for her own sparkle, but she wasn’t allowed to be restored to her original state.”
Snapping back into reality, Jaehyun leaned back up, straightened his posture and crossed a leg over, “And how does this relate to the daytime moon?” Jaehyun asked, confused how this story was related to his question.
“It’s the importance of a metaphoric belief - a give and take relationship. The sun gives its light to the moon and the moon receives and reflects the sun’s light.” Jaehyun pondered on the thought as the boy spoke, “The sun and moon were created to differentiate between night and day, between givers and takers.”
“Why would the moon feel inferior? It’s of equal importance is it not?” Jaehyun questioned after much contemplation on the belief, the difference between the moon and sun was so obvious to the universe, yet the moon just couldn't appreciate herself.
The boy nodded, giving a knowing look that left Jaehyun feeling quite exposed, as though he could see right through his simple logic. “It is, perhaps even more. The sun illuminates by illuminating, but the moon illuminates by the dark of nothingness, using the reception of another’s light. So when the sun isn’t seen, it isn’t there, but even when the moon is nothing, she is still something.”
It takes a few seconds for the information to click and sink in. Jaehyun can feel his lips form the question before he can even follow through his own thoughts, “And that makes a daytime moon?”
“Yes.”
“The daytime moon signifies a give and take relationship requiring selflessness and… well you know?” the boy chuckled, nudging his new friend beside him, “something like of a couple.”
__
As Jaehyun turned the next corner, his next step faltered. Just moments ago, the boy had taken him to see his unconscious girlfriend whose string could be seen with the same technique of a camera flash. Her lifeless body attached to multiple machinery cords. Tears came to his eyes as he recalled your body in the same hospital bed, will Y/N become as pale as her? I have to help her before it’s too late.
Technically all the boy wanted him to do was pick up a pair of scissors and cut an invisible string that only happened to be seen using through a camera flash. Jaehyun brushed the tears away hastily and entered the boy’s hospital room – his spirit already sitting beside his own body.
“There’s a pair of scissors in the bedside draw,” said the boy listlessly, “you can use those.”
Jaehyun felt that the time had really come now for making his choice. Or had his choice already been made long before? He knew he would save you no matter what. A feeling of pain crept over him as he thought of the desecration that was in store for the fair face boy.
“I-I’m sorry but I don't think I can do this.” Jaehyun stammers, backing away to the entrance of the door.
The boy visibly frowned, “Why not?” he asked, bunching the thin bed sheets in his fist, attempting to simmer his combined emotions of anger and confusion.
“This…” the words are barely heard in the empty room “it’ll be bad for you, wont it?”
The boy chuckled effortlessly, “what do you mean by bad?”
“I just feel like there’s another way to deal with this.” Jaehyun mumbled, “something better.”
“There isn’t!” exclaimed the boy, who was beginning to tense now. “I said I’ll help you if you help me.”
“I know…” he trails, desperately trying to drag the time. Jaehyun made eye contact with the boy once more, wavering. He takes a step towards the bed, finding it almost physically impossible to drag his feet across the floor. His hand finds the draw handle, pulling it towards him with much effort, and reveals a pair of simple red scissors.
His fingers glided around the cutters with much ease, but his hand, his body, shakes with an anxious unknowing feeling. Jaehyun was beginning to plead in his mind for a sign, for something to stop him. The scissors shook in his hands as he lifted the heavy weight up, hovering above the open draw, seeking for something.
Suddenly, as if someone had heard his wishes, his phone went off, vibrating in his pocket. Jaehyun drops the scissors down, patting himself down searching for the source of his saviour.
[11:34am] Johnny: Where are you?
[11:36am] Johnny: Did you bail on me?
[11:45am] Johnny: I swear if you’re with some girl right now
“I have to go.” Jaehyun said, reaching into his jacket pocket and fumbling around for his keys.
“Where are you goi-?” As Jaehyun tried to turn around the boy held him back, making him feel like he had robbed the boy of his freedom, disloyalty immediately filling in the pit of his stomach, “You said you’d help me?”
Jaehyun could only nod weakly, half-truth and half-lie to his next words, “I-I I’ll come back tomorrow.”
__
Jaehyun drove off alone and watched the flashing lights of the little car in front of him. A strange sense of loss came over him. He felt the world had all of a sudden cornered him, pushed him into a hole that he had dug for himself. His eyes darkened, and the crowded flaring streets became blurred to his eyes. When he finally pulls into the apartment underground parking he sees Y/S/N walk out.
It doesn't take any effort for him to figure out the situation, having noticed the tear streaked and puffy face features as he pulled into a parking slot. A few seconds passed and Johnny ran out, following Y/S/N desperately.
“Y/S/N Wait!” Johnny cried.
Jaehyun reached for the ignition key, switched it off and slumped his forehead onto the wheel.
“No Johnny, not again.” Y/S/N repeated. Their voices bounced off the walls, echoing in the basement space.
“Just explain it to me! I just want an explanation and I’ll get out!”
Jaehyun exhaled a heavy breath which seemed to have been pent up the entire day, and as he did so, it seemed to him that he had grown years older.
Hearing a car door slam shut and his best friend’s voice die down, Jaehyun looked up and out his window. Johnny stood still, staring at a car drive out and further away. Jaehyun sighs in disbelief, why can’t there just be a day of peace?
“Johnny.” Jaehyun calls out, opening his car door to get out.
Johnny whips his head around, searching for his best friend’s voice, “Oh.” There’s a look of defeat, “Hey.”
Jaehyun doesn’t really know what to say, debating whether he should pretend nothing happened or whether he should address the poor guy’s feelings. “Are you- okay?”
“I- Yeah – I’m okay.”
Johnny takes his time walking back, dragging himself to the elevator, eyes glued to the floor as his mind shuts down in defeat. Jaehyun walked beside him, silent, mind also switched off as he pushes out the thought of tomorrow.
The silence in the elevator isn’t awkward, but the atmosphere is evidently filled with a heavy sigh. No one speaks. The bell of the lift rings, signalling them to leave and Jaehyun turns beside to look at his friend.
“Let’s go.” He murmurs
Johnny breaks out of his daze, giving a nod as he walks out and lets his feet walk to the front door of the apartment. He takes a seat on the stool bench, leaning against the island bench as he plays absentmindedly with the ring on his finger.
Jaehyun spares a glance behind his shoulder, looking at his friend slumping his shoulders, no words, face drained from the usual energy he had. He sighed as he closed the fridge door, placing a bottle of water in front of his friend.
“About Y/S/N…”
Johnny instantly looks up, surprised that Jaehyun has mentioned the name.
The look of desperation in his eyes pains Jaehyun as he continues, “sorry to break it to you but Y/S/N has a lot on her plate.” He rubs his temples as if this were giving him another headache, and Johnny looks at him with a harsh irritation.
Flashes of emotion crossed Johnny’s face, a mixture of jealousy and confusion, “What?”
“Y/S/N –” how to tell him? “She- She has a child.”
The shock is evident in Johnny’s voice, “D-Did you say a child?” he looked around in disbelief, avoided making eye contact with Jaehyun, “How do you know this?” Johnny’s eyes narrowed on his friend, and he crossed an arm over his chest.
“We’re neighbours, she lives across from me,” Jaehyun continued to list, playing with the bottle cap of his own water, “we talk.”
“…oh,”
Jaehyun has never pushed Johnny to do anything. While they have always been good friends, he was always conscious of the fact that Johnny is older. He had always respected his friend. “I don't think now’s a good time to be trying again.”
“No,” Johnny stumbled through his sentence, “I-I can’t just leave her like that,” his heart broke as he continued, “not with that asshole of a guy.”
It crossed Jaehyun’s mind that perhaps the relationship of his older friend would be something incomprehensible to him, but he ignores it. “You weren’t in her life for the past few years Johnny, you can’t just waltz back in now.” he mumbled. Johnny had stopped fuming, and when he looked at his friend, he just sounded tired. He lowered his eyes in shame, and Jaehyun shook his head, “Y/S/N doesn't deserve that.”
As Jaehyun left the room, Johnny stared at the bottle of water placed in front of him, thinking back to what he did wrong so long ago. And why it would forever be left unrepairable.
____
You took the long route home that day, wondered if Jaehyun had actually come to see you in hospital. At the corner of the local flower shop, a man passed you in the mist, walking very fast and with the collar of his black jacket turned up. He had a bag in his hand. You recognised the man. It was Johnny. A strange sense of fear came over you. You made no sign of recognition (not that he’d see you anyway) and went on quickly in the direction of your house, walking faster than before, thinking about your sister and her ex.
Your mind flashed back to that day.
It seemed Y/S/N and Johnny would’ve lasted till marriage, till old. Johnny would constantly roam around your shared apartment with your sister. You’d hear her voice and her heavy laughter in the room beside yours. You’d see the two of them walking hand in hand around the small space, standing beside each other as they cooked. They were inseparable.
That day was different. You hadn’t seen Johnny for weeks now and you would only see glimpses of your sister around the place. She’d stay in her room and it would be completely silent. However, she went out that night, only making it known to you when you heard the sound of a male’s voice late at night.
At first you thought it was Johnny and you became excited, ready to barge into their room to say hi after so long. But the moment you reach the bedroom door you halt. You can hear your sister whispering and the deeper male voice. It wasn’t Johnny’s though, and it wasn't anyone else’s that you recognised. You took a step back, running into your own room as you realised what was happening.
Jaehyun notices you from afar, almost running towards him. However, you don't see him, determination and concern for your sister clouding your vision. It’s not until Jaehyun realises you’re about to completely past him that he calls out for you.
His hand feels cold against your skin as he stops you by the arm, “Johnny,” you huffed, telling him the crucial points, unable to connect the words into a sentence, “I-I… Y/S/N.”
Jaehyun lets his hand fall, having guessed Johnny would’ve left the apartment not long after himself. “Yeah, I know.”
You looked up at him, having caught your breath “What?”
He helps you steady yourself, “Y/S/N’s not home at the moment, I saw her drive off before.”
“Not home? Where is she going?” You followed, anxiety building up again.
“I don't know, maybe visiting you.” He lies, trying to lead you back to the apartments.
However, this only panicked you more, “Really? But she came yesterday.” You turned around, already speed walking back the direction you came from, “somethings wrong.” You mumbled, mind working already thinking what must have gone wrong.
“Wait Y/N!” Jaehyun calls out, following after you, “Where are you going?”
“Back to the hospital.” You stated, “If she’s coming to visit me today something must be wrong, she only comes on weekends.” Your minds working in a frenzy and you can barely concentrate on anything else. Could it be something related to her boyfriend? To your nephew?
“Y/N!” Jaehyun called again.
You didn't hear him though, determined to get back and see your sister. Jaehyun doesn’t have the strength left to chase after you, dreading the thought of visiting the hospital yet again. Instead he watched you leave.
___
It was almost midnight by the time Jaehyun finally had the chance to lay down in his bed. He hadn’t texted Johnny about earlier, hadn’t seen you since you had run off, hadn’t even had a chance to eat dinner with his Grandma. The past 24 hours seemed to have felt like weeks and he thought how nice it finally was, to be able to hear his own breath. He decided to think of the day as just a hurdle to pass, a necessity to be able to wish for something better.
With that thought, he eventually fell asleep.
The boy laughed, and when he did his head twitched strangely a couple of times, “Get out of here. I don't want to see you.”
“Just come with me,” Jaehyun begged, “I’ll help you figure something else out.”
The boy’s face suddenly hardened into anger and his words shot out in a rage. “Just shut up! You lied to me! We made a deal, it was so fucking simple. If you wanted to act like a goddamn hero then you should’ve done something about it!”
Jaehyun could only stand there speechless. The boy was just a mere stranger to him, not even in flesh, yet the words felt so harshly true, “I-Sorry…”
“It’s all your fault she’s dead! You could’ve stopped it. You could’ve saved her. But no! You had to run away and become a coward. You only care about yourself!” The boy’s face had coloured to a deep red, and spit flew from his mouth as he yelled. He started taking lumbering steps forward, his hands balled into fists as he stepped closer to Jaehyun.
“L-Look I,” He was only a few feet away, Jaehyun took a step backwards, his guilt now turning into fear.
“I only asked for one fucking thing!”
Jaehyun took two more steps back, “I-”
“And now you killed Y/N too!” The boy screamed and rushed forward.
He stirred in his sleep, waking in an instant as the dream disappeared. A glance outside let him know the moon was still out. He sat up, leaning against the bedframe before reaching for his phone. 4:38am.
After about ten minutes he got up, and throwing on a pair of simple shorts passed into the tile paved bathroom. The cool water refreshed him after his dreadful sleep. He shivered under the water and sighed heavily. Another nightmare about you. A dim sense of having taken part in some strange tragedy came to him once or twice, but there was the unreality of a dream about it.
As soon as he was dressed, Jaehyun went to the rooftop and sat down to the brightness of the starry dark morning. The warm air seemed laden with fresh scents. The silence that surrounded his home added to the beauty of a new day.
The dream was just a spook he reasoned, yet he struggled to accept the reality part of it. Deep down, Jaehyun was already contemplating the possibilities if he chose not to return and help the boy in hospital. He promised to go back today and his nightmare was a glimpse of the consequences he’d encounter if he broke that promise.
___
You awake that same morning to find yourself not in the same room as you usually would be in. The light shade of pastel blue walls which once surrounded your hospital bed now changed into stained dulls of white walls.
The numbness of sleep slowly fades and the first thing that surprises you is the tiny needles poking into your arms. You gasp in a breath only to find nothing coming in and the obstacle of your own dry tongue. The lack of oxygen descending on your mind caused you to panic and in desperation you sucked in another breath. Your body feels heavy as you sit up quickly, your fingers immediately searching for the bed sheets to help you up from your physical laid body.
“What’s going on?” You mumbled, noticing the unusual amount of nurses flooding your surroundings. You look around for anyone familiar, searching for your usual doctor and nurse. There’s a heavy atmosphere looming in the hospital room and you ignore it, exiting the commotion.
“Y/N?”
The voice stopped you from walking further, turning around to face the only person who could see your roaming spirit.
“Jaehyun? What’s going on?” you asked, assuming he knew.
“You- Your body.” He stuttered not sure how to start his sentence “it’s shutting down.”
You paused, falling against the side of the doorway and holding onto the wall for support, “Am I dying?”
