It’s Complicated
Text AU ft BAP and BTOB - Part 56
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a/n: Now you get to know the story of Jongup and Olivia... If you’re a sap like me you’ll probably need some tissues
He knocked on the door, not sure whether he expected a response or not. He didn't get one. “Hey Liv, you awake?” Still no response. Jongup pushed the door open slowly repeating her name but frowned when he'd fully opened the door. She wasn't in there. He walked in and peered through the open door of the en suite bathroom, she wasn't there either. “Huh.” He said aloud. He retraced his steps out into the main room of the cabin they'd rented but he definitely hadn't walked past her.
Finally his eyes landed on the double doors, specifically the familiar figure on the other side. He panicked, rushing out onto the patio. “Jesus fucking Christ, Liv.” He started as he got outside. He realised what she was looking at, and momentarily froze as the emotions hit him. He forced the pain away to regain his composure and carried on towards her, grabbing her arm and pulling her back slightly. “I told you, you aren't allowed out here unless I'm with you!”
His voice was raised but it didn't phase her. She turned slowly back to him. “The stairs.” Olivia said, her eyes meeting his. To anyone else this would have been a random statement, but Jongup knew it was a question and a heavy one at that. He didn't trust his voice so he just nodded. Olivia watched him carefully. She may not be the person she once used to be but the one thing that hadn't changed was her ability to read Jongup. Seeing the pain in his eyes she realised why he had tried to convince her otherwise, why he had said this was a bad idea and she felt guilty. “I’m sorry. I wanted to do this for me but I didn't realise it affected you so much.”
Jongup was feeling so many emotions he didn't know what the predominant one was and he suddenly regretted not mentioning this trip to his therapist, this could mess him up even more. “Hey, remember when I said I had a weird vision thing?” Olivia asked, changing the subject. It caught Jongup off guard.
“Yeah?” He questioned, glad that his voice hadn’t failed him.
“I might have lied about you not knowing the person.” She admitted. Jongup narrowed his eyes, he could sense where this conversation was going and he didn’t know how he felt about it. He didn't say anything. Olivia didn’t know how to word it and so she didn’t say anything either. They stood looking at each other, in silent conversation. When she turned to look at the baluster Jongup got all the confirmation he needed. He felt sick through his stomach. “Can we go and sit there?” Olivia asked and he shook his head.
“I can’t.” He said, his voice cracking. “I can’t.”
***
“Hey, come here.” Jongup said as he sat at the baluster at the end of the balustrade.
Olivia cocked her head to the side, a smile on her face. “Why should I?”
Jongup mock sighed, getting up and walking over to her, wrapping his arms loosely around her waist. “Because I asked nicely, and the view is nice.” He replied, looking down at her with a smirk.
“Sounds good, let’s go.” She said, pushing him slightly so he would walk backwards.
“You made me walk all the way over here just to walk back?” He asked, not taking his eyes off of her as they made there way back to sit down.
“You did that yourself, I didn’t make you.”
“You’re so difficult.”
“I try to be.” She said with a smirk. Jongup had finally reached the baluster again, sitting on it and pulling her between his legs. She looked at the view of the beach in the distance. It was a nice view but Jongup hadn’t stopped looking at her. She frowned. “I thought you said the view is nice?”
“It is?”
“Then why aren’t you looking at it?”
“Because I found something prettier.” He answered, making her blush. Olivia didn’t think she could take it anymore.
She had liked Jongup for as long as she could remember. Although she wasn’t sure of his feelings at first, in the last few months the dynamic of their friendship had changed dramatically to the point where it was obvious. She was sure there was no way he would flirt with her as much as he did without liking her back. He hadn’t confessed, but she decided that last comment was as best as she would get. That and the fact that she didn’t think she would be able to hold in her feelings anymore.
Olivia placed her hands on Jongup’s cheeks as she looked up at him. His eyes falling to her lips was all the confirmation she needed and she leant forward to kiss him. Jongup was on fire. His best friend, Olivia Shin, the girl he’s been crazy about for a year, is kissing him. He smiled into the kiss moving his hands from the small of her back to grip her hips as he kissed her.
***
He kept shaking his head. “I can’t, Liv.” Jongup tried his hardest to keep the tears back. “I.. I think I’m going to throw up.” He said, letting go of her and rushing back inside to the bathroom.
The sound of a bang followed by a faint curse startled Daehyun awake and Youngjae chuckled at him. “You jump too easily.” Daehyun turned in Youngjae’s arms to face him.
“How long have you been awake?” He asked, groggily.
“A while.”
“Good morning.” Daehyun said with a smile.
“Good morning, Dae.” Youngjae replied, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Daehyun smiled wider, snuggling into his boyfriend more.
“What was that bang?” He asked, slightly muffled but Youngjae heard him anyway.
“Just Olivia.”
“I’ve never met anyone that clumsy, I think she’s redefined the word.” It was a light joke but Youngjae didn’t even crack a smile and it concerned him. “What’s wrong?”
Youngjae sighed. “Nothing.”
“Is it a medical condition or something?”
“Sort of.” Youngjae answered. Daehyun didn’t reply, leaving an opportunity for him to continue. “I’m not an expert on it because I didn’t want to push Jongup too much but a year ago she had an accident and it left her with a traumatic brain injury. Some of the side effects are bad coordination and occasional blurry vision, dizziness or seeing double which is the reason she's so clumsy.”
“Oh.” Was Daehyun's response, there wasn't really much else he could say. “It must have been a bad accident.”
“It was. Remember when me and Jongup disappeared for two months a year ago because of a ‘family emergency’?”
“Shit. It was because of that?”
“Yeah. It was bad. She suffered the physical trauma and he suffered the psychological trauma.”
“Wouldn't she suffer both?”
“If she remembered the accident she would, but she doesn't so her psychological trauma is pretty tame.”
“Is that why you hide the picture of them from him?”
Youngjae nodded. “Yeah. I didn't actually know they were still friends all this time, but they took the picture right before it happened… Jongup is barely surviving and if he saw that… I don't know what it would do to him.”
Daehyun thought for a moment before he sat up to grab his phone. He scrolled up through his and Youngjae's messages to find where he had sent the picture and redownloaded it. “I was right.” He said, a frown forming on his face as he looked down at his boyfriend.
“What?”
“This picture… it was taken right outside here.” He answered, pointing in the general direction of the patio and balustrade outside.
Youngjae sighed, nodding his head. “Yeah.”
Jongup had come out of the bathroom to find Olivia sat on the floor waiting for him. He’d ignored her questions, instead focusing on their plans for today once his brother and Daehyun got up. She didn't argue with him, he'd already spent five minutes throwing up and didn't want to push her luck. She’d decided to try again later.
Now was later.
They were sat on the beach, side by side with feet in the water. Youngjae and Daehyun were further up the beach in their own little world. Olivia watched them. “They're cute together.”
“I know, it only took a year for my stupid brother to realise he was gay and had feelings for him.”
“Well, they're together now, that's all that matters, right?”
“Yeah.” Jongup smiled.
They fell into a comfortable silence but she was nervous. How can she word what she was about to say?
“Up?”
“Yeah, Liv?”
She sighed. “I know I'm really forgetful and clumsy et cetera et cetera but… do you really think I can't tell when you're lying to me? Or hiding something from me?”
He frowned at her “What do you mean?”
“Jongup, this whole year… I've known. I know there's something that you aren't telling me. Why? Why won't you tell me what it is?” Jongup regretted coming here. He knew it was a bad idea, which is why he didn't tell his therapist and even with the comfort of his brother it wasn't helping. Olivia wasn't helping. “Jongup?”
He snapped, his emotions all coming out at once. “Because I don't want to remember. Okay? I don't want to remember. That was the best weekend of my life which turned into my worst nightmare, why the fuck would I want to remember it?” He rested his head in his hands, tears pouring from his eyes. “You were right there in my arms and then you weren't. You stepped away and you slipped and you fell and I saw it. I watched you fall down those fucking stairs and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing! I thought you fucking died Olivia! You weren't moving and there was blood everywhere and I was all alone and I thought you were dead. Did you ever think about me? Ever? About what I went through? It fucked me up, Olivia. I've been seeing a therapist for almost a year and I still can't sleep at night without taking the strongest sleeping pills they prescribe. But even then I still have fucking nightmares. I try so hard to forget it. So fucking hard. But I can't. I don't want to remember what fucking happened. Okay?”
Olivia wiped her tears. She was stunned, she didn't know what to say or do. “Jongup, I-”
“Do you know what the icing on the cake is?” He asked, his words barely distinguishable through his sobs. “You don't even remember any of that weekend. None of it.”
“The kiss.” She said, remembering the random memory that had been returned to her a few weeks prior. “We kissed, I remember that.”
Jongup knew this. It was what had made him sick in the morning. The thought that suddenly Olivia had remembered their first kiss was too overwhelming for him.
But it wasn't enough for him. “That's the only thing you remember.” He said as he got up. His head was swirling and he didn't think he could take it anymore. Olivia watched him leave, not knowing what to do.
“Hey.” Youngjae said as he opened the door to Jongup’s room and sat down on the bed next to his brother. Jongup was face down on the bed, letting the pillow soak up his tears. “You know, I don't think I ever thanked you for what you did for me. When I had my mental breakdown, I mean. You were worried about me and were there caring for me the whole time. Thank you. You're an annoying little shit but you've always been there for me, even though you had your own issues to deal with. Thank you.”
He rested a hand on his brothers back, rubbing it. “When you think about it we both deal with our problems the same way. We hide them. We keep them in, to ourselves and try to deal with them on our own. It's a bad habit really. Not that my internal crisis really equates to psychological trauma but you know what I mean. But when I was going through all that you got to know what it's like to be on the other end of it. To be the worried friend or relative. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm telling you because I want you to know that I feel the same. I care about you and I worry sick about you. Olivia knows now and she's feels same. Daehyun doesn't fully know but he feels the same. We are here for you and we love you.”
Youngjae watched as Jongup’s hand blindly grabbed around before finding his. He squeezed his little brothers hand. “I always thought this was a bad idea. I know it was her idea and not yours, but she didn't realise that you've been suffering too this whole time. You probably should have told her from the beginning and maybe you could have worked through it together, but maybe that's what you can start from now. I'm sure you must feel guilty about what happened even though it wasn't your fault and you couldn't do anything about it. I also know that me saying it might not do much but… it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong and there's nothing different you could have done. So please don't blame yourself, Jongup.
I know you love her. She was telling me and Dae about all the things you do for her. That you've filled her apartment with sticky notes reminding her of things to do, that you've given her a notebook with a weekly plan in it that she can carry around with her, that you text her every morning reminding her of her schedule for the day, that you carry around a spare t-shirt for her and that you've caught her and stopped her from tripping more times than she can count. She told us you took her for a bike ride for almost two hours just because she missed riding a bike and she can't do it anymore. And that isn't even the half of it. You do so much for her it's amazing Jongup, honestly. I wish I can care for Daehyun even just half as much as you care for her. And goddamn I don't know how you managed to do all of that for her whilst trying to deal with me at the same time. You're really something, bro.
It's okay to be broken, it's okay to hurt, it's okay to be vulnerable. Please let us take care of you like you take care of everyone else.” Jongup pulled his hand away from Youngjae and pushed himself up, turning to face his brother. Youngjae chuckled. “Jesus Christ did I look that bad?”
Jongup laughed too, shaking his head. “You definitely looked worse.” Youngjae held his arms out and Jongup moved into them, hugging him. “Thank you.” Jongup said.
“Don’t mention it.”
“It hurts so bad.” He mumbled into his brothers shoulder.
“I don’t doubt that.”
“I just wished she would remember.”
Youngjae didn’t understand. “What? The accident?”
He shook head. “No, no of course not. Everything else.”
“Well, what else happened?”
Jongup sighed. “A lot. So much happened Youngjae. I don’t even know where to start.” Youngjae could feel Jongup’s tears and rubbed his back. “That stupid t-shirt I carry around for her… I… of course I carry it around because she might need it but the reason I always give her the same t-shirt is because she would always tell me how much she loved it and would steal it from me one day, so I gave it to her. And then she wakes up from her coma and gives it back to me saying it must have been in her things by mistake. I just want her to remember that. I want her to remember all the stupid shit we did together, like when we went to the funfair nearby. She had the biggest smile on her face the whole time. Or when we just sat and watched Disney movies all night because she wanted to.”
Youngjae could only just make out what his brother was saying and he tried to calm him down. “Hey, it's okay.”
“I want her to remember that she's my fucking girlfriend, Youngjae. Do you know what that feels like? I'd liked her for ages and ages and we had our first kiss here and we had so many good memories. I finally worked up the courage to confess and ask her to be my girlfriend and she said yes but she doesn't even remember. She has no idea.”