#bulimia.

[prompts-in-a-barrel]

“I don’t... I don’t need to go throw up, right?”

“Of course not. Do you want to cuddle until you feel better?”

“No. Maybe just... keep talking to me?”

[eclipsiagotica]

Me anestesia um pouco da minha realidade vomitar.

[eclipsiagotica]

Voltei a ser bulímica porque, quando abandonei essa atividade por um tempo, acabei engordando pra caramba. Percebi que minha vida não faz sentido sem a bulimia, então prefiro me afundar nesse poço do que tentar procurar ajuda.

[suchabeautifulbrokensmile]

To be honest I lost track of how many days I have been in treatment. I shouldn’t count as the number increases everyday I give myself anxiety bc why is it taking so long.. I yell at myself bc I should be better. Well we all know what Christine would say, that’s black and white thinking. And she would be right. Therefore I stopped counting. Recovery will take as much time as i need. I will take as much time as I need. Christine told me to write a letter to my mom and to my eating disorder, but as I started those I realize that I am so sick of thinking about what makes me sad. I decided to do a positive letter, an inspirational one.

To Krista and Christine, I hated every single thing about waking up in the mornings. The past twenty one years have been all about waking up and surviving the day. I have always strived to be nothing but perfect, even if it kills me in the inside. Since my grandma passed away, I have never, ever, had anyone believe in me as much as you both have. You both made me realize that life is worth it. Food shouldn’t control my every move and thought, and neither should anyone. No one should have that power but me. I am responsible for myself and my actions. A calorie is a calorie and food doesn’t make a person gain weight. Christine, Although I am horrible when it comes to positive reframing my thoughts you have not given up on me. Even when I’m extremely sassy and nasty you put up with me and tell me to come to your office and talk. You walk me step by step through everything. Before this program I never knew what real laughter meant. Because of you guys now I do. It’s good when people believe in me, and it’s even a better feeling when I can trust them. You guys put up with my dramatic rants, and listen to my constant complains. I would not be here typing this if it wasn’t for you guys. Everyone at the center has help me and I am oh so thankful, but Krista and Christine they are different. I hope when I finish my degree, I am as influential as they both are. I hope my clients trust me as much as I trust Krista and Christine. I'm usually don't like people. I am so selective with who I trust, but idk man. They have changed my perspective in life, and for that I am so grateful. I now do believe that breathing works, looking for colors work, acknowledging my feelings is healthy. Eating and keeping it down is healthy. Eating disorder symptoms are the reason I gained weight. They are the reason I am depress and unhealthy. The reason I had to put my education on hold. But I am glad I have chosen recovery, and I am glad to have met this clinical team. I feel like life is worth it. I have bad days, and that will probably always happen but now I do have coping skills to be able to get through the, and make it end. After all it is just a bad day not a bad life. Thank you. From the bottom of my dark heart thank you. BC will always have a special place in my heart, they have taught me that I am worth it. And that is the most important thing anyone could ever learn.

Now, I am not showing this to Christine so back to writing my negative letter to Mia, that stupid bitch is irritating my soul big time right now.

OHHHHH MARIE LET ME BUY THE KYLIE JENNER LIP KITS FROM THE VALENTINE COLLECTION right after dinner she opened the bathroom so I could get my phone and I did it. Omg I hate hugs but I wanted to hug her.

People think I’m spoiled. And yeah I have always been. But I would give it all up to have an emotional connection with my family. For them to understand me and for us to just be able to talk like normal human beings. But since that is impossible I will continue to spend money to numb all the pain. I would give everything up, my phone, Internet, my closet, my credit card LISTEN THATS MY LIFE, just to be able to hug my mom and cry on her shoulders. I just want to feel loved. But I wish it came naturally. But whatever. I am okay.

Looking forward to this weekend. I decided to go out with my friends, I need to be able to not drink but be around alcohol. I can do it.

[danielabaduco]

A cada momento que pasa veo como se muere un poco mas de mi, con cada cigarro, con cada corte, con cada maldita vez que abuso de mi cuerpo vomitando, porque esta sensación, esta asquerosa sensación de estar lleno me recuerda a cada mariposa que volaba en mi estómago, ahora solo quiero sacarlas, a cada hora, a cada momento, a cada dia, a cada semana. Es un sentimiento que me consume profundamente, la mayoría de los dias insoportable, por eso no me acepto, por eso tengo miedo, por eso miro abajo para que nadie me mire, porque siento que en mi rostro solo se ve reflejada la cara de la tristeza y la soledad. No puedo mas con esta maldita enfermedad, se que me matará. Por ahora intentare ser fuerte, aunque con cada dia que pasa desearía que fuese el ultimo.