beau: is that your first time killing something? or somebody?
caleb: he was burned alive in front of me.
beau: yeah, you did that, though.
caleb: i am well aware that i killed a person.
caleb talks about killing the priest of yeenoghu passively. he was burned, not i burned him. beau then calls him on that, and he acknowledges his active choice, but tries not to linger on it. the group, having seen him go catatonic after the fact though, wants to linger, wants to check on him.
to try to get out of the potential conversation about it he could outright dismiss their worries, which might invite more worry from them, or even anger. he could explain exactly what he was feeling, if he could even articulate it to himself - nevermind to people he is not totally comfortable with.
but after nott also expresses that she is concerned, caleb realizes that he has to give some explanation to the group. he has committed to trying out this group thing, which comes with a little give and take.
caleb: it was terribly grisly. his hair was on fire, and he burned horribly. maybe it went a little further than i anticipated. i have killed people before in defense, ja. but not like that.
caleb states the facts of what happened: "it was terribly grisly. his hair was on fire, and he burned horribly." everyone else saw this, so he couldn't possibly dispute or couch just how bad it was.
he then gives himself some room for speculation: "maybe it went a little further than i anticipated (emphasis mine)." meaning, he is careful about his violence, he anticipates how far he will have to go. or rather, how far it will have to go. he separates himself from the violence, whether to try to convince the group that he is okay to be around or subconsciously for himself. maybe both.
he admits to the group he has killed before: "i have killed people before in defense, ja. but not like that (emphasis mine)." he is not lying in the strictest sense. first, admitting to having killed people in defense does not mean he hasn't killed people in other circumstances. and second, killing his parents wasn't exactly like killing the priest. he killed the priest out of revenge for hurting nott; a kind of late defense. but he did not kill his parents out of revenge.
he is trying to be as just as honest as he thinks the group needs from him in order to move attention off of him. then he can go back to not thinking about the nuances of his agency in killing people.
