#caelusia

[killrate]

‘ i still wonder who i would have been ’

♡ @caelusia

It’s difficult to imagine what it would feel like to go from having endless possibilities to look forward to, to losing all you know from one moment to the next.

Mary tries to put herself in the other’s shoes, and she just... Can’t. Her world would be flipped upside down. She’d feel vulnerable. Like everything she knows doesn’t even matter anymore because she cannot put it to use. Then, a voice in her head reminds her that knowledge always serves.

But no one wants pity, and those who do, tend to tell on themselves. Chelia is not one of those - so she must be careful with her words.

❝I’m going to tell you something, and you might not like to hear it, but I’m not going to tip-toe around you, out of respect. Because I’d like the same treatment.❞ She pauses, and turns in her seat fully towards the younger girl.

❝It’s okay to think on it... It’s normal. Just don’t lose yourself, wondering what may have been.❞ 

Her hands are balled up into fists at first, but she stretches her fingers out, awkwardly placing her hand on the other’s shoulder, with a gentle squeeze.

An attempt at reassurance, that she does not know if she can give. 

❝The worst thing you can do to yourself is stay stuck living in the past. Look forward. Your life is here.❞ She swallows hard, still keeping her eyes locked on Chelia’s.

❝... You didn’t need to do what you did. But you chose to. You didn’t need to save anyone, but you did. And I do hope that everyone who’s crossed you with that look, didn’t forget to also thank you.❞ 

Of course they’d pity her. Chelia was young, and had a future bright & full of possibilities. And Mary isn’t about to be that person who tells her to look onto all the new doors that are opening. Yes, she still has promise for other things; she can still heal, or teach, if she wanted to - even without magic. 

But Chelia does not need to hear that from her. The girl has a right to grieve.

❝Cry. Cry all you need to, for as long as you need to. No one has to know. But do not get lost.❞

[verticordiia]

@caelusia sent → 😳 ‘prettiest cousin ever’ - from chelia 🥺

‘ ‘ ah, dearest cousin--- ’ ’ she paused for a moment, brows furrowing. even if chelia, somehow, was not her only cousin, she certainly was dearest to her. ‘ ‘ and you are the cutest cousin! the cutest cousin ever. ’ ’

meme.

[coeurspire]

❛ i know you mean well. ❜

“ meaning well is not enough. ”

sherry did not turn away, her gaze did not even waver. she had made her experiences with the good intentions of other people, pointless pretty baubles that they were. meaning well had not been enough after nirvana when everything had been overwhelming, when everything had driven her further into the dark corners of her mind. thus — she had always held herself to higher standards. her intentions had never been left without actions to carry them from the realm of honeyed promised to reality.

mentioning for chelia to sit, sherry bit her lip. this was a difficult conversation; she doubted there was any outcome she would actually like, much less one she could bear to have on her conscience. once again, she was vaguely grateful that even she could not find a way to blame herself for the consequences  the war  had had for others around her. she had already been departed for her mission when the war had started to be a possibility and had not returned until after it had been after.

nothing of what had happened had happened when sherry had been miles away, probably balancing on icy ledges or something equal in it potential to end with a broken neck. she could not blame herself for this — and she could not blame anyone that she was now left with a conversation that she did not want to have, not with chelia, not with anyone.

running a hand through her hair, she lowered and pinched the bridge of her nose. “ …i’ve asked around, ” she continued, hands clinging to the edge of her desk until her knuckles started to turn whiter than snow. “ i had a conversation with one of iceberg’s most renowned doctors for magical illnesses and — short of a not yet invented treatment that would give you some kind of implant, you’ll never be able to use magic again. but … you knew that already, right? ”

because what chelia had done, it had been a sacrifice. she had not been tricked, not from what sherry had been told, and so she had known what would happen before it had happened. though it still felt unfair; chelia was so young, maybe even too young to be in a place where she had to make decisions that affected the rest of her life. frankly — dragging children into a war? there were people who should have to answer for it, but none of them ever would. politicians had never cared about mage children, this was a lesson sherry had learnt young.

tucking strands of dark pink behind her ears, the marionette mage grimaced. “ the good news are, ooba retired and made me master, ” she continued, wondering if maybe, this was the moment people like neil had wanted to avoid, the moment where sherry started to decide that she was in charge of making  ( and changing )  the rules now. “ lamia  is  a mage guild. no matter how well-meaning i am, i can’t change this. bending the rules is something i  can  do. ooba left your final status within the guild undecided, probably out of hope that a miracle cure may yet be found. this is something i cannot afford, chelia. i need to make a decision … and i’ve thought about it a lot. lamia scale has not had a healer of her own since … hm, i guess since the twins left to pursue their research. ”

and that had been  before  sherry had left because she had been young and resurrecting a demon to kill it properly had sounded like a good idea. she had checked the financial records of the guild and had taken note of an increase in medical expenses since martin was no longer there. getting him back was unrealistic to say the least; he had tenure at an university in iceberg  and  had started a family. to his great misfortune, his stellar rise had left him with the kind of fame that made it difficult to hide from her.

“ i’d rather not send you back to your mother, ” sherry continued, carefully keeping her face from betraying her personal feelings in the matter. “ i also don’t think that you  wish  to return to her. thus, i’d like to suggest this … pick up your schooling again. i know a … well-respected teacher in iceberg. he owes me a favour … or eleven. ”

[lucentaire]

“ i remember everything ” -chelia

Remembering was a curse, Carena knew. And sure, wanting to forget every bad thing that had ever happened was definitely not healthy, but Chelia was so young. Barely older than Carena had been when her parents had died. And while she did not know the younger one well (they had spoken maybe once or twice before), Carena was not as cold and hard as the statues whose company she allegedly favoured. She could see the damage that had been done.

And unlike a broken bone, this would not heal.

She reached out, despite the awkwardness she felt. '' It is very heavy now, '' she said calmly as she gently squeezed Chelia's shoulder. It was not often that she initiated contact with others, but---Carena had never been as blue-eyed and naive about the realities of being a mage as others. She had been a realist from day one. And still. She felt for the younger girl. '' And it will stay heavy. It's like with grief---it never really gets smaller, we just . . . grow around it until it does not hurt as much. Remembering will always be heavy, but you will get stronger until it is something you can carry. In the meantime---you can vent to me about your frustrations and anger, if you want. ''

@caelusia

[verticordiia]

every day i wake up and remember how, based on canon ages, chelia's parents did not take in their recently orphaned niece after deliora did That. that they abandoned her, let her---a child of six or seven---fend for herself in a world with a known terrible foster care system. every day, i really wanna know what mashima was thinking (probably nothing).

[verticordiia]

she unlocked the door to her suite and stepped back,  letting her cousin enter first as she threw one last glance down the hallway.  it was quiet,  right now,  but that did not have to mean anything.  when she had lived in academic rise,  it had been quiet some days as well,  but that had rarely kept any ghosts from appearing mere moments later.  think of your scholarships,  think of the money that you are saving  ---  this will all be worth it,  in the end,  she reminded herself as she squared her shoulders and followed after chelia.

‘ ‘ so, ’ ’  she said as she put her bag on the coat rack near the door and placed chelia’s suitcase on the small love seat she had found on a flea-market last summer and which she had only managed to carry to her room after bribing laxus with a lot of lemon cake,  ‘ ‘ this is it.  do you want to freshen up while i make us something to eat or do you want to rest? ’ ’ she asked as she wrung her hand, feeling slightly out of her depth.  when her friends visited,  they just did whatever they pleased  ( within reason ),  and thus she had gotten quite rusty at playing host.

@caelusia.

[verticordiia]

✉ / chelia :))))

➽ c. blendy:  hello chelia,  good evening! ➽ c. blendy:  never /ever/ date someone who does not respect you ➽ c. blendy:  it is **not** worth it.  i would **not** recommend it ➽ c. blendy:  love you!  take care of yourself!!

send  ‘ ✉ ’ for a drunken text  /  accepting  /  @caelusia.

[aeceso]

@caelusia​  /  chelia blendy.

“  everything that you feel is just a chemical reaction inside your head.  wow.  ”

‘ ‘ it does not make it any less real,  chelia. ’ ’  red eyes narrowed with worry as the healer turned to look back at the girl that was trailing after her as she was picking apples from the trees she had planted near her home.  the wisp was one of ooba’s,  something that was a comforting thought today because as sharp and venomous as the viper was,  she took care of her own. 

and after what had happened,  chelia did need that care.  

rubbing a particularly pretty apple against her skirt until it looked as if she had stolen it from a fairy tale,  porlyusica sat down on the bench that laxus had insisted she needed.  ‘ ‘ the human body is a complicated construct,  one that has never ceased to fascinate me, ’ ’  she went on as she offered the apple to the other.  ‘ ‘ it is also not quite that simple  ---  i have books that i could give you so you can figure it out for yourself,  if you’d like. ’ ’