There’s a circle of chairs in the middle of the office as always. There’s also a table of snacks, one that we always ignore. We’re never hungry when we get here. There’s a few kids here already and they wave at us timidly. Al waves back and I pull on his arm. I guide him to our usually seats and the guy in charge meets us. The guy in charge is actually our therapist which is nice. At first I was scared that he’d out why we’re here but he never did. Instead he lets us sit in blissful silence until the hour’s up. He’s trying something new this week, he says. He says he’s opening up for people to tell stories. It can be about anything but he’s hoping that the more we talk, the more we’ll open up about what happened to us. It won’t. I know for a fact Al won’t say anything and I know I won’t either. When I was a kid, I used to love telling stories. I had a big imagination and could go on and on about anything really. I don’t think I can do that anymore. Whenever I try to tell a story, the words get caught in my throat like bubbles trapped under ice. I can’t speak, I can’t breathe, I can’t do anything but swallow my words. It’s because of her that I do that. She hated my stories. She said they were stupid and never let me tell ‘em. Now I can’t hardly talk at all. I think that’s what Dada feels the guiltiest about.
I’ve started a new fic and I’m not sure if I want to put it up here or not. But I’m super proud of it so I want people to read it. But on the other hand, there’s a lot of uncomfortable themes and events so yeah. Not sure what I’m gonna do yet.
'Who are you wearing?'
The blood, sweat, and tears of the women who worked so hard to give me the opportunity to be who I am and where I am at right now in life. That's who.
Summary: Everyone sees the world in shades of black and white until they touch their soulmate for the first time. A soulmate AU with 2009!Phan.
Notes: Basically, my favorite song on Troye’s new album is BLUE and this is what I think about every time I listen to it.
~*~*~
“I know you see in black and white
So I’ll paint you a clear blue sky
Without you I am colorblind
It’s raining every time I open my eyes”
~*~*~
Dan was five when he first learned about color.
He had always been content living in his world of black and white, until his primary school teacher explained color, and told them that the sky was blue and the grass was green and flowers were pink and yellow and red and purple and every possible color. Dan couldn’t comprehend a world so vivid and alive. How can one understand color when they’ve never seen it, after all? But he was fascinated by the idea, dying to see these vibrant hues.
“Why can’t we see colors?” he asked.
“Most people your age can’t,” his teacher said with a soft smile. “One day, though, when you’re older, you’ll be able to see all the colors of the rainbow.”
“But when?” he demanded with a petulant, impatient pout.
“When you meet your soulmate, the one person in this world who is made for you,” his teacher explained, “then every color will burst to life around you like magic.”
From that day on, Dan was obsessed with colors. He wanted to know what color his hair was, and his eyes, and his pet dog, and the wine his parents drank with dinner, and his nan’s fancy earrings. Of course, he never truly knew what the colors meant, what “brown” hair or eyes or dog fur looked like, or how they could all be brown but still look different, or “dark red” wine or “sapphire blue” earrings. But his parents and grandparents answered his questions patiently and indulgently, remembering a time before they’d met, when their world was all shades of grey.
Dan was thirteen when the first of his friends met his soulmate.
They were in the schoolyard, kicking a football around (well, Dan was mostly just watching), when Dan’s mate Michael accidentally kicked the ball into a nearby girl’s stomach. She stomped over to the boy as he stuttered out apologies and gave him a rough shove, seemingly ready to start a fight. And then they both gasped. Michael actually fell down. With gaping mouths, they gazed around their suddenly changed world.
For months, Michael didn’t shut up about how amazing colors were. At first Dan had listened avidly to Michael’s descriptions, trying desperately to picture the world as his friend saw it. He couldn’t, of course, and eventually he got sick of his friend’s rambling.
“And her eyes are so green,” Michael said, “they look like lightest part of the forest, you know, where-”
“No, I don’t know, Michael,” Dan snapped. “I can’t see colors and you bloody well know that, so can you please just shut up about them for one second?”
Michael’s only response was a smug, “Your cheeks turn red when you’re angry, did you know?”
Dan was undeniably jealous. Meeting a soulmate so young was rare, almost no one could see colors at thirteen, but why, out of everyone, did it have to be Michael, who hadn’t cared at all about color before he could see it, instead of Dan, who’d longed for it for years?
They ended up drifting apart - Dan’s black and white view didn’t belong in Michael’s vibrant world.
Dan was fifteen when he started watching a boy with black hair and light eyes on YouTube.
Phil - AmazingPhil to his subscribers - was four years older than Dan and hadn’t met his soulmate, but he didn’t seem to care like Dan did. He was happy, and strange, and sexual, and looked at the world with the type of wonder usually reserved for those seeing color for the first time. To Phil, the world was beautiful in black and white. Dan didn’t understand this view, but he adored Phil anyway.
Sometimes, when he was watching Phil’s videos, he forgot to be upset that he could only see the gorgeous boy in shades of grey.
Dan was eighteen when Phil first noticed him.
Dan had never been great at making friends, always managing to say something upsetting or awkward at the wrong time, but he immediately felt at ease with Phil. They spent hours talking over Skype, finding out everything they had in common (and that was quite a lot). It was like they were made for each other.
Of course, Dan fantasized about Phil being his soulmate - about meeting Phil in person for the first time, and hugging him, and seeing the world come to life around them. And especially, seeing Phil’s eyes.
“What color are your eyes?” Dan asked during one of their Skype calls. Phil’s eyes looked light grey to him - so light that on anyone else Dan would have said they were off-putting, but on Phil they were breathtaking, captivating even without color.
“My mum says they’re blue like the sky on a clear day,” Phil replied with a shrug. “Not that I really know what that means.”
“I think they’d be beautiful in color,” Dan blurted, then blushed a shade of darker grey.
“You mean you don’t think they’re beautiful now?” Phil teased with a smirk that sent Dan’s heart racing.
“Of course they are!” he rushed to explain. “I just mean - in color - they’ll be more - you know - and-”
Phil just shrugged, mercifully cutting off Dan’s stuttering. “I’m fine with how they look now.”
“Y-you are?”
“Yeah, I mean, I’m used to it. And my eyes work just fine in black and white. For example, I don’t need to see colors to know that you’re fit.”
Pushing past his the butterflies fluttering around his stomach at the compliment, Dan asked, “But aren’t you curious? Don’t you feel like you’re missing out?”
“Of course I’m curious, but there’s no sense in pining for color - either I’ll see it someday or I won’t. And no, I don’t feel like I’m missing out. The world doesn’t need color to be beautiful, Dan.”
Dan hadn’t believed that since before he knew what color was.
Dan was eighteen when he finally met Phil in person.
Three years of fanboying, and a few months - though it felt like years - of Skype calls and flirting online were coming to a head. He felt anxious and excited and sick to his stomach the entire train ride to Manchester. This could be it - the day he’d finally see the world as it was meant to be seen. He and Phil fit so well, they had to be soulmates. Dan couldn’t imagine any other person bringing color into his life.
Full of nervous energy, he stepped off the train and bounced on his toes, searching for his boyfriend. When he spotted Phil’s tall frame towering over the crowd, he ran, uncaring of the people he was rudely bumping into in his haste to get to the other man - and Phil’s eyes lighting up when he spotted him only drove Dan to run faster.
“Phil!” he cried, and Phil gave him a huge, bright smile as Dan threw himself into the taller boy’s arms and finally, finally got to kiss him like he’d been dreaming of for months. Phil’s lips were soft and warm, and fit against Dan’s perfectly as he smiled into the kiss.
Dan pulled back after several perfect seconds to stare into the eyes of his soulmate, the man made for him, excited to finally see their clear blue...
Grey.
All he saw was grey.
The world, the people in the train station, Phil’s smile, Phil’s eyes. They were all still grey.
Phil watched as Dan’s face absolutely crumbled. “You’re not my soulmate,” he nearly whispered.
A large hand with long, thin fingers cupped his cheek, and he stared into the understanding grey eyes of the man he loved, the man who wasn’t his soulmate. “I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil said softly. “But I love you anyway. I’d rather see in black and white forever than be with someone else.”
And Dan knew it was true. And that no matter how much he’d dreamed of meeting his soulmate, of seeing the world come to life around him, he wouldn’t leave Phil. The idea of anyone else as his soulmate felt so wrong. Whoever was up there, matching up souls, had really fucked up this time. Because he’d never fit with someone the way he fit with Phil, and he couldn’t just leave that behind.
“I love you too,” he said, and though his voice cracked and he was still devastated, he was certain of that one fact.
Dan was twenty-two when he finally accepted that he would never see colors.
His and Phil’s relationship hadn’t always been easy. Dan had spent his lifetime longing for color, and that didn’t change overnight. He didn’t want to care, he wanted to honestly believe it didn’t matter, but that was easier said than done. They were surrounded by people who thought love wasn’t true unless it was between soulmates, and they’d been raised with that same viewpoint, which Dan had wholeheartedly believed right up until he met Phil. The odds were against them and sometimes Dan, himself, was against them. But Phil was truer than any predestined match, and stayed with Dan through all of his crises, was kind to Dan even when he probably didn’t deserve it.
It had taken years, but he was finally confident in their relationship and at peace with his grey world. When fans assumed he and Phil were soulmates, he no longer had to choke back heartbroken, angry, bitter tears when he truthfully said they weren’t. Because Phil brought the light and happiness to his life that he’d always assumed could only exist once he could see in color. Phil made the coolest greys feel warm, the darkest blacks feel welcoming. Phil helped him learn to see the beauty that existed in their world even without color.
Dan wasn’t sure if he’d ever completely get past his desire to see colors, but now, it was only because he wanted to see what’s Phil’s eyes looked like in blue.
Dan was twenty-eight when, in front of their closest friends and family, he and Phil promised to love each other forever.
Dan’s father had pursed his lips tightly through the entire service, upset that Dan was marrying someone who wasn’t his soulmate. And Dan felt bad for him, to be honest. It was sad that some people placed so much importance on color. Dan, for his part, had absolutely no regrets. He wanted to grow old and wrinkly and even more grey with Phil, and absolutely no one else, even if it meant never seeing the color of his husband’s eyes.
Because Dan loved the idea of color, but he loved Phil so much more.
~*~*~
Notes: I’ve always wanted to do a soulmate AU where they aren’t actually soulmates. I’ve been planning a multichapter soulmate verse (the names on the wrists kind) exploring Dan and Phil’s relationship as not-soulmates, and how that’s viewed in their society and all that. I still might do that, but I wanted to write this anyway.
I wrote this in one go in the middle of the night, so it’s quite likely I made mistakes. Let me know if you spot any typos so I can fix them.
Michael Jones is the quarterback. He and his team love to hassle the only openly gay student in their school. When his team dares him to play a prank on Gavin by making him fall in love with him then revealing their prank to everyone he cant say no. What his team doesn't know is that Michael is a closeted homosexual himself. He soon finds out that it's harder to make Gavin fall for him than it is to fall in love with Gavin himself.
“Shut the fuck up.” Michael laughs with his team mates and tosses the football to Ryan. “She was totally flirting with me.”
“Yea.” Jack rolls his eyes. “If you think that was flirting you’ve got some serious damage.”
Their laughter stops when Joel holds up his hand and nods his head towards the cafeteria doors. “the Faerie has entered the building”
Gavin free stood at the door, looking around, and the football team went back to laughing; this time at his expense. Gavin had made the mistake of being openly gay when he transferred from some school in England to Achievers High school. He had instantly been made the school’s running joke. Texas doesn’t take kindly to homosexuals.
Michael watches the boy with a smirk, taking the football back from Ryan and aiming it at the British boy’s head. Of course it hit. The brit lets out a noise something like a pterodactyl imitation and falls backwards. His head hits the wall and he slides down onto the green tile floor. The entire lunch room bursts into laughter as the boy’s only friend, Ray, rushes to his aid. The Puerto Rican glares around the room as he helps his friend up but he’s nothing to be intimidated by so the laughter only grows.
While the two make their way out of the room Michael enjoys the chorus or praise coming from his team mates and accepts their high fives. Being the quarterback is awesome.
“That was sweet man.” Ryan chuckles again at the thought. Michael beams at his best friend’s praise.
The red head’s attention turns when he feels someone tapping on his shoulder. His girlfriend, Lindsay, stands with her group of friends. She doesn’t look happy. Michael sighs. What could she possibly want to bitch about now? The just got over a fight.
“I’m breaking up with you.” She says and the whole room goes silent. Michael feels his face heat up with rage. Not only is she acting like their breaking up is deserved on his part but she’s doing it in front of the entire team and every one else in the lunch room. “I just want someone who can” She glanced down to Michael's crotch “give me what I need.” The only thing stopping Michael from yelling is that he doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing him angry. So instead he nods, tonguing his lower lip, and turns away from her.
Even after she’s gone tension still remains in the room as every one waits for Michael “Rage” Jones to lash out. He doesn’t. It’s Jack that speaks up first.
“Well. That was awkward as shit.” He says and the rest of the team nods in agreement. Michael doesn’t notice. Inside his head he’s beating the shit out of everyone in the room. Outside he looks like he’s just being a little quiet and no one blames him.
Meanwhile Gavin and Ray sit in the bathroom. Ray holds toilet paper against Gavin's nose. If he weren't so angry he'd make a joke about it's unusual size but he is. He can't believe that people can treat Gavin like this. Gavin is one of the nicest people Ray has ever met and he knows that if Gavin weren't gay he would easily join the school's popular clique. Every time something like this happens the usually calm boy can't help but shake with anger.The british boy with his head tilted back doesn't really care though. He expects it. To ray that makes it worse.
Gavin turns his eyes to his best friend and smiles. "It's really alright. It doesn't hurt."
"Shut the fuck up Gavin" Ray answers him, frowning. "There's no way this doesn't hurt like hell. I'm gonna kick Jones' ass."
Gavin cant help but laugh at the boy's words. "If you and Michael were to fight you'd have more than just a bleeding nose."
