#calliope shepard

[calshepard]

"Will you be my XO?" she asked in a leveled tone, gaze not breaking away from the stars.

She did not turn to see Kaidan's furrowed gaze despite feeling its intensity burning right through her.

"You want me to?" he asked, just a hint surprised. "This morning we held each other at gunpoint."

As if he hadn't said he'd give up every position for a chance to be back on the Normandy. As if he hadn't said 'the woman I love'. Present tense, not past like he'd used on Horizon.

It would be easy to lie, to say it was a given he'd be right under her in the chain of command. He was the highest-ranking Alliance officer on board and a Spectre. Who else could she ask? The truth was more complicated than just naval hierarchy.

"That's exactly why," she replied. "Look Kaidan, this war that we're dealing... I've seen people act against their will, or turn into someone so different than themselves."

Be it Leviathan's influence or the Reapers' indoctrination, with how much exposure she was having on the field, she tried not to think of the possibility.

"I need someone who will hold their ground against me. Someone who can pull me back, or if I go too far, cut me loose," she forced herself to look towards him, but Shepard avoided his eyes. He'd come closer in the meantime, their knees almost touching. "I told you back on the SR1 that I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. I need a partner."

"Shepard," he sighed with an emotion she couldn't quite decipher, trying to meet her gaze. His index brushed against hers as he tried to speak, and the brief contact left them incapacitated of doing anything other than getting lost in past memories.

It'd been far less time for her since the last time they'd touched each other skin to skin but, any self-restraint she'd mustered so far was coming undone.

She wondered what he thought. Did her skin feel any different or was it a play of grief? Did he want to bury himself in her arms as badly as she did?

His fingers traveled upwards, barely touching her skin, and Cal tried not to shudder. Kaidan found a scar she'd gotten while fighting mercs on Omega, lightly pressing the damaged skin, and then her redone tattoo.

The chrysanthemums that hugged her bicep and spread all the way to her back. She wouldn't have gotten it again, had it not been for her conversation with Jack. Worried she'd only see the ways it differed from the one she had originally.

Shepard couldn't take her eyes off Kaidan as he got reacquainted with her new self—the new lines of ink he was tracing, the muscles she'd put on since the last time they met, six months confined to a house without any other way to let out her frustrations.

He blinked and their eyes met. Her heart nearly skipped a bit, losing herself in his deep brown gaze. There was pain and sorrow hidden well, but Cal knew him better than she thought.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You're the last person I wanted to hurt.

He was steady. In ways she'd only glimpsed back when they were chasing Saren but were clear as day, now. She hated that she'd missed seeing him grow into the man he was. She'd joked before that he'd gotten better with age, but she hadn't realized how true that was.

"You're making a big assumption, Cal," he finally replied.

"And what is that?"

"You think I can stand to lose you, again." And there was that pain again, deep but not as deeply concealed as she expected from him. How much longer would they do this to themselves?

You would, if I was just a cheap imitation of the woman you love. Same reason you walked away on Horizon.

With renewed confidence, Shepard leaned her forehead against his. If the universe let them, she wouldn't move from the spot. But that was wishful thinking with the war raging everywhere in the galaxy.

She pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek and murmured, "Get some rest. We're tracking down Ann Bryson tomorrow."

An unspoken request to go on the field with her, to see what kind of team they could be after everything that'd happened in the last two years.

Shepard pulled back, suddenly, and called, "EDI, make sure no one bothers Major Alenko." Her tone shifted back into Commander Shepard like it was second nature, breaking whatever moment they shared.

"Understood, Commander," replied EDI's artificial voice.

Space, she reminded herself, was something that she ought to give him.

"I expect an answer after the mission," was the last thing she said before leaving the Starboard Observation Deck and going back to her cabin.

Alone, with her grief and regrets as her constant companion.

[ramblinganthropologist]

Fucking cock block.

[ferociousqueak]

What, if anything, do your assorted Ryders think of the Shepards of their universes? :)

Oh gosh, I should probably assign my Shepards, shouldn’t I. To make things easy, let’s make it alphabetical :P On the one hand, they’re not likely to have had much actual interaction with Shepard, so their opinions would necessarily be based on media coverage.

Artemis and Apollo Ryder

Allistair Shepard: Initially, they think of her as the Butcher because, well, she is. She’s this fierce, domineering, ruthless force out there with blood dripping from her teeth, a monster lurking in the dark. Mostly, they’d like to steer clear from her.

After Alli repels Sovereign from the Citadel, though, they get a different image of her. She becomes the strong, misunderstood, war-wear soldier who puts herself between humanity and annihilation. It’s just too bad the geth finally got her in the end.

Beatrice and Virgil Ryder

Book Shepard: Until Sovereign’s attack on the Citadel, they don’t really think of her. They may have heard of her in passing over some ANN article about a squad of Alliance soldiers taken out by a Thresher maw, but that’s about it.

After the Battle of the Citadel, Shepard makes more of a mark on their awareness of current events. She’s a big presence, strong, beautiful, good with the press, often smiling, larger than life. Virgil is a little more suspicious of Book’s politicking, but Beatrice is enchanted. She joins the Andromeda Initiative partly because she’d like to make Shepard proud (posthumously, that is—damn the geth). 

Calliope and Orlando Ryder

Cassandra Shepard: After the events of Elysium, Calliope and Orlando have stars in their eyes for Shepard. She’s the hero humanity has needed, and isn’t it wonderful she came up through the ranks to beat back the batarian pirates? Anyone can be like Shepard if they really tried! Sure, she’s kind of cold during interviews and tries to keep a low profile, but that’s just the kind of humility you can expect from a hero, right?

Calliope cries real tears when she hears about Shepard being killed by the geth. It’s so hard to think of the Hero of the Citadel being brought down in an ambush like that. Orlando comforts his sister, but he’s no less affected.

[calshepard]

His fingers brushed the pad of her index, feeling the scarred skin under. "How'd you manage to get that?" he asked against the pillow.

"I was thirteen and thinking I could change fuses without supervision."

Kaidan could picture Shepard as a kid, brows furrowed in determination and hunched over a crate tinkering with something, just because she'd been told no. A smile crossed his face at the image. Even then he didn't know what he could've done with her. Messed up kid that he was.

"You must've been a menace to the crew," he teased despite everything.

"Please, engineering loved me," she huffed in mock offense. "I did all the scrap work they didn't want. It was my mother who called me that."

A brief shadow crossed her eyes. Shepard didn't talk about her parents often. After meeting her, he learned they were both Alliance with reputable careers, and some things had clicked into place. The way she looked most comfortable in the cramped spaces of a ship while hesitating in open spaces—just a fraction, not enough to be picked up by most crew. Space was where she belonged, and he'd have followed her anywhere.

A few weeks later, she would become one with the stars over Alchera.

"Right, I'm sorry to ever doubt you, Commander," his voice still had a playful tone, giving her a path out of whatever memories he'd evoked.

"What did I say about using titles in bed?"

Her green eyes narrowed burning right through him. There had been a time when he'd wondered from a distance what it would be like to be the subject of her focus. He'd falsely assumed he would cave under it. That she would measure up his soul and find him lacking.

But he'd given her far too little credit. Instead, she'd seen right through him. The good, the bad… She'd shed light on parts of himself he'd long buried and held him tightly like he was precious. He'd never known love could be so warm or comforting.

"Only do it when it's hot?" he deflected, bringing the old wound to his lips.

"…Very funny, Kaidan," she said, struggling to keep her serious expression. They both knew the risks, and she never wore lightly that his career was in greater danger than hers.

But when her expression melted to a soft smile, he didn't regret a thing. This was a woman who'd burn herself if the universe asked. And he'd do anything to ensure she left a way out for herself.

For now, he'd count every freckle and scar on her light brown skin just in case the universe came calling.

[calshepard]

CALLIOPE 'CAL' LILA SHEPARD (spacer, sole survivor, engineer, very paragon-leaning)

do it again. that's not enough. this is a dangerous life, callie. try again. one day you'll make us so proud.

the alliance is all she knows. growing up with both parents in the military, stability never existed. ships and stations, crews and citizens began to be background chatter with how often they shifted. and in the mids of it all, an unspoken expectation; never outright said but always looming. what else but to follow her parents' career and carry on the shepard legacy?

you gave up your childhood to the alliance, why not the rest of your life?

she enlists on her 18th birthday and lies to herself that this was her dream. she's good at the job. her superiors say as much. it'll finally make her parents proud. once she's graduated from the alliance special forces, she gets posted on different missions across the galaxy. she's 23 when her unit gets sent on akuze. it's been five years since she joined, and finally, she thinks she's stopped lying enough to herself to come up with a decision. one more mission, this investigation of the colony and then, she's out. they haven't been working together for that long, but it's the longest time cal has spent surrounded by the same people. it'll hurt, more than she wants to admit, to walk away from them. but things turned out quite differently. calliope was the only one to survive the mission out of 50 marines.

you never wanted this job in the first place. let's see you walk away now.

her life had been set on a path by forces outside her control. first her parents, and then... what could she do but keep living for every squad mate that didn't? keep living in this path to honor the lives they couldn't. help in any way she can, for those she failed to help on akuze.

your life was never yours anyway. now, you're just living on borrowed time.

and in this constant movement of military life, there had been actually one constant. one companion. her curiosity on tech. how things worked, how they come together and fall apart. how they could be fixed, much easier than people could. engineering was the skill she sought for herself. ships and stations changed, but there was always something that could be learned, that could be repaired. it's what she was going to do once she dropped out of her military career. now it only remains as a way for shepard to ground herself whenever things or people become too much. and truly, how else did she survive on akuze besides her ingenuity and sheer luck?

it only spirals from there. from marine to other ships, commander shepard to xo of the normandy. again in circumstances far bigger than herself. a vision of an ancient war. a very real threat the council won't listen to. and in the end, she gains the position of the first human spectre and a huge responsibility on her shoulders. if she pretends long enough, if she bleeds and cares and helps everyone she comes across, then, maybe it will finally make up for the fact that she shouldn't have been in this position in the first place.

always waiting for the other shoe to drop. spectres are chosen. not trained. so when will they realize they made the wrong choice? you can't afford to fail. this has always been bigger than yourself

ROMANCE: kaidan alenko

TRILOGY ENDING: 'perfect' destroy

more over on ao3

[calshepard]

specters walk among us.

Kaidan and Shepard briefly cross roads at the Citadel. After Me2 but before Arrival. (I'm still finding their voices & their dynamic, but I hope you enjoy it)

Kaidan was used to seeing Calliope everywhere the first months after her death. Grief was a terrible liar, and he'd been left searching for traces of her among strangers. The same hair color on a woman passing him at the Alliance HQ. A similar-looking scar on his Gunnery Chief the first time he stepped on a spaceship again. Mistaking her voice at the club after two glasses of whiskey.

But the woman leaning on the Presidium's railing was unmistakenly her. Or whatever version of her Cerberus had brought back. She'd put on more muscle since their dreadful meeting on Horizon, but she looked just as tired. If not more. Her cheeks were fuller and void of the unnatural glow that had made his stomach turn.

But her hair was still a tone redder than it used to be, and her left bicep wasn't marked with the beautiful tattoo he traced on sleepless nights.

He approached her slowly and the item in his pocket weighed significantly more.

She didn't react to his presence but kept staring ahead at the view. "Did you get my message?" she asked.

Which one? Kaidan wanted to ask. But he gambled on what she wanted to hear. And then, replied about the other message.

"Anderson has it," he said, furrowing his brows. "Why did you forward the data to the Alliance?"

To me? Remained unsaid.

"Because Cerberus couldn't erase everything," she sighed.

It would take time to decrypt them, but it left a lot unsaid about her loyalties.

"Cal," he choked out. The name ripped out from somewhere deep within him. It was the first time he said her name out loud in two years.

She still wouldn't look at him, only shook her head. "Cal is gone," she whispered, and his heart constricted again. "You were right. I'm a ghost now."

He wanted to argue, just in case she was his Cal. But his doubts would make any assurances a lie, and she deserved more than that.

"All they wanted was Commander Shepard," she continued bitterly and turned her gaze to meet his.

Oh, Cal, what have you done?

The scar she'd gained on Akuze was on her face again, but fresh and more jagged than he remembered. Had she… The thought was too much to bear, and his hand twitched against the railing. The urge came to reach out to her and forget everything that happened in the past two years.

But he wouldn't be himself if he did.

"What did you see out there?" Kaidan deflected, meaning the Omega 4 relay.

It'd been a shock to return to his temporary apartment and find her dog tags on the coffee table and a message that said, 'I wanted you to have them, just in case.'

Shepard didn't answer at first, but her gaze became haunted. "We're not ready. I don't know if we ever will be."

It sent a chill down his spine, even if he'd long made peace with the possibility of dying while fighting this war.

But just like a switch had been flipped, Shepard pushed against the railing with a blank expression.

"My mother is expecting me," she explained.

"Yeah," he shook his head and also pushed himself away from the railing. "Anderson is waiting for me, too."

Shepard nodded in acknowledgment and turned away from him.

"Wait," he called out, crossing the short distance and phishing her tags from his pocket.

"They're yours."

"Keep them," she refused.

"But-"

"I have some things I need to take care of, and then I'm turning myself in."

Kaidan blinked, confused. "For what?"

It was her turn to look confused. "For working with Cerberus. I'm no longer with them, Kaidan."

Guilt rose up like bile. Of course, she would. She'd been with the Alliance her entire life. That was why the betrayal felt so deep.

And now that he'd seen a glimpse of her again, he was going to lose her.

Why hadn't she started with that? Had she not read his apology after Horizon? They could've…

"Take care, Commander," she bid her goodbye and got lost between the crowds of the Presidium.

"It's Majo-"

She hadn't heard, and it didn't matter.

A few weeks later, he could barely make out the headlines from the pressure behind his eyes.

COMMANDER SHEPARD TURNS HERSELF IN FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ALPHA RELAY.

Damn it, Cal. What trouble have you gotten yourself in again?

[calshepard]

second date went great 👍

[ramblinganthropologist]

Garrus: wait, we can ignore suicide orders? Why wasn't I told?

Calliope Shepard: (whatever the Turian equivalent of blue balls is, you just earned a set, smart ass.)