Let Your Silence Grow (c.h)
Pairing: Calum Hood x Fem! Reader
Summary: After a one sided confrontation, Calum has to face your silent treatment
Warnings: Angst. Calum is an asshole. Language. Mentions of alcohol. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language I’m sorry)
Word count: 7.7K
Author’s Note: This lil piece comes a bit late for @hoodhoran ‘s birthday and a bit early for Calum’s but what a way to start the Aquarius season! Remember that Reblogs, Feedback, Comments and likes are very important and they help a lot, also yelling at me is allowed ❤️ Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🦋✨🌻
My materialist // taglist on the bio!
To be fair, he was tired. He was so tired and the week was not even close to being over. Everything was going wrong; some samples of the new songs got lost; the release date for the new single kept getting pushed back; the tour management had to cancel a few performances for scheduling conflicts that they created; and, as the straw that broke the camel's back, he hasn’t eaten for almost a day trying to figure this whole thing out before it ends up killing them, and he was starving.
“Okay, let’s go over it one more time…” Luke sighed, running a hand through his hair as he stared at the notebook on his table.
“We went over it five fucking times!” Calum groaned, wanting nothing more than to shut down the computer and go to sleep. But these meetings were mandatory, and no one was happy about it.
It was bad enough that they were forced to fix things that were out of their reach, but given that the four members of the band were scattered across the country, they had to do it over Zoom again and there was nothing Calum hated more, using that app only reminded him about the times where that was the only thing keeping him sane by communicating him with his loved ones.
Now, Ashton was somewhere hiding in the mountains, Michael was at a vineyard on vacation and, even though Luke stayed in LA as well as Calum, his throat was starting to hurt, so he opted to stay at home.
“This is ridiculous…” Calum muttered under his breath, not shying his frustration from his bandmates, and of course, not from you.
You were standing in the kitchen with a worried glance across your face, drumming your fingers upon the marbled countertop as you debated on whether or not to enter the office and offer Calum some sort of comfort.
The loud voices and frustrated groans could be heard all over the house, not to mention how talking to Cal lately meant walking over eggshells from how stressed he was. You haven’t seen him smile in so long, you were starting to worry you might forget how it looked.
With a sigh, you tried to keep yourself busy, make all of the chores all over again so you don’t have to focus on the raging, horrible mood that Calum has set over the house. You know it wasn’t his fault, but he was also not doing anything for it to change, and you were getting tired of tiptoeing around his mood all day long just for him to sulk and complain without telling you how he really feels or even acknowledges you’re there. You wish you could help him just a little bit, show him that he’s not alone in this; but the more he pushes you away, the more you think he doesn’t want you there.
It was hard enough as it is to have a conversation with him these past few days, let alone a kiss or a sweet pet name or a soft touch… And yes, that might be your neediness talking but shit, you miss your boyfriend. And, somehow, you wish he missed you as well.
An hour had passed and Calum had not come out of his office yet, the muffled voices of the conversation still rang through the house, and even though you couldn’t understand what they were saying, it was obvious they were having another argument.
“Okay, that’s enough” You muttered under your breath. You couldn’t take it anymore, all this pent-up energy that had no positive outcomes was becoming too much and you couldn’t just sit and watch without trying to at least make it better for him.
You knew he was stressed, you knew he needed a break even though he won’t take one no matter how much you could insist, but that doesn’t mean you will just let his bad humor get to him forever. Maybe all he needed was something that could make him smile, at least for a while; let him know that you were there for him and that he needn’t take this toll on his own anymore.
A simple recipe of macadamia nuts and white chocolate chips cookies will do, after all, you had all the ingredients and you knew they were Calum’s favorites. He hasn’t eaten all day, so this seemed like the best option to get on his good side.
Still, that small pit of anxiety thundered inside your chest as you started baking. You knew you were deflecting as well, always finding baking as some sort of escape from reality when things were starting to go sour, hoping to gain some feeling of control over things that fled from your power, much like Calum’s predicaments.
The walls he put up were not his fault, and all you could do was sit outside hoping and waiting for him to open them up and let you in again. He didn’t notice you waiting like a soldier outside of the Trojan walls, all he could think about was the war inside of his head, thinking of himself like Achilles and forgetting his fatal flaw. And, like Patroclus, you could only take so much as he came back after the battle, wounded and regretful, but pretending nothing had happened even though you had front row seats to his downfall.
They say when two people love each other, two hearts become one and the love they have feels limitless. No one mentioned that the pain could feel the same, especially when one feels powerless before it.
No, not entirely powerless. You have those cookies, and while it’s not a solution and it might not make everything better in an instant, it could help. All you want to do is help.
You start to carefully plate the cookies so you could present them to him, almost as if it were an offer to the King, and even though that thought made you feel silly and even chuckle a bit, you felt proud of how good they looked; made with love and care for him, for the two of you. And to let him know you’ll always be there.
With a wide smile and a heart filled with love, you started making your way toward the office, walking carefully so you wouldn’t mess up the plating or, god forbid, trip and let the cookies fall.
The muffled voices could still be heard from the other side of the door, and in order not to disturb too much, you decided it would be best if you just knocked softly enough only for Calum to hear. After all, if it wasn’t a good time, you know he would let you know.
You balanced yourself on your heels and smiled as you knocked for a second time, fearing that he might’ve not heard the first time, still, not loud enough for everyone to hear, and if he didn’t get it now then you’ll just turn around and wait for the meeting to be over.
But that smile you wore suddenly wiped itself away from your face as you heard a loud “For fuck’s sake!” coming from the room accompanied by the sound of the small wheels attached to the chair sliding across the floor. You were too slow to move.
In a matter of seconds, Calum opened the door, eyes filled with anger fixed on your face as it fell completely bearing witness to a stranger’s face. Because you knew that the person in front of you wasn’t your Calum. No, your Calum would never make you feel scared with just one look.
“What do you want?” He half-whispered, half-shouted. Not a glance spared to the plate you were holding in your hands.
The coldness of his voice made you flinch, not expecting that reaction at all as you tried to compose yourself enough to answer.
“I- I-” You stuttered, and he wasn’t having it.
“Jesus fucking christ!” Calum wiped a hand across his face, letting the anger take over “Fucking stop with your stuttering if you’re not going to say something important! Fuck, that’s all you’re going to say especially after all the fucking noise you were making!”
Were you making noise? Shit, you didn’t even know. But at the same time, you didn’t even have time to think about it as Calum’s voice kept getting louder and louder and even more impatient.
“All you fucking do is get in my way while I’m doing something important. So for once have a little respect and just shut up! Jesus, I shouldn’t even have to tell you this! It’s fucking common sense!”
You felt his eyes on you, hard and sharp like a dagger cutting through you. He stood tall, a frown everlasting on his face and suddenly you felt like a child, so small and defenseless as you looked at your feet while swallowing the knot inside your throat.
“Well?!” He yelled, rolling his eyes “You know what? Forget it! I’m in the middle of something and it’ll be great if you could just shut up for a minute and leave me alone! I’m having enough trouble as it is for you to keep bothering me…” The last sentence sounded as if he were the one who was hurting right now, but you knew damn well that he was choosing to ignore the tears that were started to gather in your eyes “Just- Go somewhere else and let me be for just one fucking day!”
You heard the slam of the door before you felt it, the small breeze it created serving as the cue for your eyes to give up the fight and let the tears roll silently down your cheeks. Your feet were still glued to the floor, knees shaking as you tried to hold on to the plate with cookies that he never even bothered to look at.
A sob threatened to escape your lips, but you bite down on it, afraid to even make the smallest noise that could make him yell at you again. It was the first time he raised his voice, and you would make it your mission to make it the last. You’ll forfeit the fight you were never meant to fight to begin with. If that’s what he wants, that’s what he’ll get. You were not going to be a bother anymore.
*
He didn’t mean to slam the door as hard as he did, but he was still so angry to even care about it at this moment. He knows you know he didn’t mean it, he was just stressed, you would understand. But now there wasn’t time to let those feelings in, not when they were still arguing about writing sessions and release dates. There were more important topics on the table than to open the can of worms he just created between the two of you.
Calum let out a long sigh as he took a deep breath while looking at the ceiling, hoping to calm down enough to go back to the video call and not start yelling at his bandmates again. But once he sat down again and saw the horrified faces of his friends, he realized…
“Shit,” He muttered, “I thought I muted myself”
“And that’s supposed to make it better?!” Michael asked, a shocked expression across his face.
Ashton didn’t even look at him as he bit the inside of his cheek, clearly holding back as he asked “What the fuck was that?”
“Nothing,” Calum grumbled.
“Didn’t sound like nothing”
“Do you always yell at her like that?!”
Calum wasn’t yelling, was he? No, he would never, not at you. He raised his voice, but he wasn’t- he didn’t… He couldn’t have.
“I didn’t mean it…” He excused himself, hating the fact that he sounded like a child that just got scolded. But he’d never seen Ashton so disappointed.
“Does Y/N know that?”
You have to, for sure you will know that he didn’t mean it. He just… wait, what did he say to you? Why couldn’t he remember it? He was so blinded by the anger and stress, so caught up he didn’t realize the words that were coming out of his mouth. But judging by the eyes of his friends, it couldn’t have been something good.
“I- I’ll talk to Y/N later,” He sighed, not even looking at them “Right now we have to figure out when Luke’s finally going to be available for- Luke? We said no phones!-”
“What? You’re going to tell me to shut up and leave as you did to her?” He said, cold as ice as he kept texting. Calum just sank more into his seat “I’m texting Sierra to check on Y/N, something you should be doing, actually”
Calum rolled his eyes “Good thing is not any of your business-”
“You made it our business after yelling at her in front of us” Luke interrupted, looking more serious as ever, the other guys matching that expression “If you’re that fucking stressed then you take it out on us or yourself but we keep our partners out of it”
“Shit, okay!” Calum raised his arms defeatedly as he got up from his seat “I’ll go apologize, jesus”
He closed the door of the office after hearing Michael mutter “I’ll be surprised if she even takes it”
The silence was something that took him by surprise the moment he stepped foot on the hall. He doesn’t know if it’s the guilt that’s making it so unsettling, he just knows he doesn’t like it.
With a sigh, he started to walk around the house, looking for you in every corner and calling your name. Your keys were still on the table and your bag was on the couch next to a very sound sleeping Duke, he knows you’re still in the house but he also knows you’re hiding from him.
The feeling of remorse kept creeping inside of him, swallowing him whole with every step he made where he didn’t find you. It was easy to pretend to have it all under control with his friends, but the longer it took for him to look for you, the longer he was starting to lose it completely.
Finally, he opened the door to your room, calling your name with a hidden urgency. The sound of the shower made him let out a breath of relief. You didn’t leave, you were still here.
“Y/N!” He called, walking over to the bathroom with a newfound hope as he knocked on the door “Babe!”
But you couldn’t hear him, or at least that’s what he thought since you didn’t answer. And, for some sick reason, Calum felt glad. He wasn’t ready to apologize yet, not because he didn’t feel sorry for what he did, but because he didn’t know what to say to make it better. He knows you deserve a good apology, not just a regurgitation of words that resemble a “sorry” The two of you need a bit of space before you could talk again, and he feels like the bathroom is not the best place to do it anyways.
So he sighed and started to walk away, feeling how his heart begged him to stay with every painful beat, knowing you could talk about it later. He knows you know. What he didn’t know was how inside the bathroom you were standing under the stream of the shower, crying silently until every intake of breath hurt like a knife across your chest.
Calum went back down, making his way to the office when he felt the dryness of his throat. He made a detour to the kitchen for a glass of water, and that’s when he noticed them.
“Fuck,” He muttered under his breath.
The cookies were still perfectly placed over the plate, with a dash of cinnamon and next to an untouched cup of coffee that you must’ve forgotten. Was this the reason you knocked on his door? Because you made his favorite cookies, knowing he didn’t have time to eat and… Shit, now he felt like a proper asshole.
He almost wished they were bad, a small reason that could lighten the guilt he felt. But no, of course the cookies were perfect. He couldn’t help but moan at the first bite, being able to taste the love and care and just… just how much of an asshole he was, now he was sure of it.
His eyes darted towards the stairs, wondering if you were already out of the shower and if maybe he should go and try again, apologize properly and let you know how much he appreciated what you did for him. But, at the same time, he wondered if you would even want to see him right now.
With a shake of his head, he decided to go back into the meeting, thinking it’ll be best to just give you both time to cool down at least for now, he will apologize later. He took a couple of cookies and went back into the office.
“So?”
“Shower” Was all he said, not missing the way his friends shook their heads with disappointment “What?”
“Nothing,” Michael answered with a sigh, looking curiously through the screen “What are those?”
Calum furrowed his eyebrows at the question until he remembered the cookies, shame lacing his next words “Oh, yeah. Um, Y/N made them”
Luke visibly cringed “Dude, you better fix this”
The meeting lasted for a couple more hours, but Calum couldn’t seem to focus or even pretend to care anymore. His thoughts were filled with you, remembering the way your eyes filled with tears and how you would look at the ground, almost as if you were scared of him. Every second that passed became another memory filled with guilt. He’s never yelled at you like that, you didn’t deserve it, and he promised himself never to do it again. Yet, he knows he should promise that to you, not to the image of you inside of his head.
It was near 9 PM when he turned off his laptop and went looking for you again. You were laying in bed, the dark room almost swallowing you whole if it weren’t for the light of the hall where Calum stood, looking at you with the uttermost regret.
It was still early for bed, you knew that, but all the crying took every single ounce of energy that you had left, and when Calum opened the door, well…
“Y/N?” He asked in a small voice, still standing at the door. You could feel his hesitation “Y/N, baby, I-”
He started his sentence, but what could he say? Would his apology even count if you were sleeping?
You kept your eyes closed, fighting with the tears you thought you'd shed already, waiting to see what he had to say. But he just sighed, and the next thing you heard was him fumbling with his clothes until you felt the other side of the bed dip under his weight. You didn’t dare to turn around, to open your eyes. You didn’t dare to make it easy for him just yet.
Calum laid next to you, looking at your back as if it were a wall that you were starting to build around him. He tried to come closer, but you felt so far away and you didn’t even move. He prompted himself on his elbow, caressing his fingers over your hair as a million words got stuck inside his throat.
“I love you,” He whispered with a sadness lingering in his voice, and it took everything from you not to say it back immediately. You didn’t want to answer to a lie, and even when he leaned to place a small kiss on your forehead, you doubted its meaning.
That night you slept a million miles apart, even when you were an arm’s length.
*
The next morning you woke up early, or at least earlier than normal, and for a moment you forgot everything that happened yesterday. For a moment you could pretend everything was fine and that your relationship wasn’t balancing on breaking branches. But reality hit once you turned around and found the other side of the bed empty, just like the past few days. And, once again, you were on the tightrope again.
Calum’s words still rang inside your head, feeling humiliated at the thought that not only did he yell at you, but he did it in front of his bandmates. He’s never done that before, and yes, he was under a lot of stress lately, but that still didn’t give him the right to do so when all you wanted to do was cheer him up a little bit and you’ve never even got the chance to.
Now, your heart was debating with your pride. You love Calum, more than anything, you love him. But this kind of hurt… you didn’t know if it was something you could fix. You needed time, not only to cure your wounded heart but also to decide where to go next. If this is how it would always be with him, how much could you allow yourself to take?
The sound of something hard hitting the ground followed by a train of cussed words reverberated through the house, making you jump out of bed and hurry down the stairs in a matter of seconds.
There stood a half-naked Calum with a frying pan in one hand and the lid of a pot in the other, surrounded by a mess of cookware scattered around the floor that he might’ve dropped by accident.
You stayed where you were and didn’t say anything, even when Calum’s eyes found you in the middle of the kitchen, an apologetic look crossing his features.
“Y/N, I-“ He started, his cheeks blushing a little bit as his eyes avoided your gaze “I wanted to grab the pan but it was so far away I couldn’t reach it, and- I swear nothing broke!” He started to panic when he noticed you weren’t saying anything “I just- I wanted to make breakfast for you, I’m sorry I’m such a clutz”
He gave you a soft, shy smile, the kind that makes his dimples pop and that has your heart thundering along with a thousand butterflies on your stomach. And while that feeling is still there, there was a pain that came with it when you remembered how long it has been since you’ve seen him smile like that.
Calum’s heart, however, started beating anxiously when he noticed you didn’t smile back when you didn’t say anything at all.
“I, um, I was hoping we could talk?” He said, never feeling this nervous before “I wanted to talk with you about yesterday. More like, apologize for what happened”
You pressed your lips in a thin line and nodded without meeting his eyes, and when he offered you a seat at the kitchen island you didn’t move. You wanted to hear what he had to say, but you still wanted to tread lightly around him. Calum seemed to understand the message, and you could’ve sworn you saw a glimpse of hurt in his eyes.
“Y/N, yesterday I…” He started with a deep breath “I was out of line and I’m sorry. I was under a lot of stress and I took it out on you and that wasn’t fair to you, it should’ve never happened and I swear there will never be a next time. I was an idiot and an asshole and I promise you, baby, that none of the words I said reflect my feelings towards you. I’m really so fucking sorry, love”
His eyes were honest, they always were. But you couldn’t help but feel like there was something of truth in his words yesterday, even when he said there wasn’t.
Calum took your silence as a cue to continue, stepping closer to you as he said:
“I love you,” no hint of hesitation in his words “I love you so much and I’m sorry I hurt you. And I know you might not-“
“Okay,”
“Forgive- okay?”
“Okay.” You said again, almost as quiet as the silence itself “It’s okay, I forgive you”
“Babe, it’s not okay” Calum tried to clarify “It’s really not, I shouldn’t have-“
“But you did” You deadpanned and your tone hit Calum like a truck “And you’ve apologized and I forgive you”
In all honesty, Calum was not expecting it to be that easy. He was ready to fight with teeth and claws for your forgiveness, truly aware of his mistake and more than willing to fix it. But you just forgive him like that? No lecture, no talks about your feelings? He could say he feels relief, but in reality, he’s worried.
“If you’re sure-“
“Why wouldn’t I be?” And that’s the first time you look at him in the eyes, but for some reason, he can’t find you there.
Calum couldn’t find a reason that didn’t sound crazy. Why would he want to fight this? Why did you let it go so easily? It wasn’t like you, but at the same time…
“Okay,” He heard himself say, taking a step closer to you to wrap his arms around you and kiss you. But as he leaned over, you moved away; walking straight towards the coffee maker and starting to make your drink.
Calum stood there in shock, not really knowing what to make of that so he just cleared his throat and pretended it never happened as he leaned over the island.
“I was planning on making you coffee today before you woke up,” He said, his voice still lingering with a mix of guilt and hope as you turned your back to him. He had to talk over the machine noise, hoping you could still hear him “I- well, the guys and I decided that we need to have a few days off since the stress was getting all over us” He explained, playing with his hands nervously, almost like the first time he asked you out “I was hoping we could spend the day together, you know? Maybe watch a movie and cook lunch, go to Target or go on a walk like the old times?”
You still had your back turned to him, not giving him a proper answer as he grew more and more worried.
“Or we could just stay at home and do nothing if that’s what you want”
His voice grew quiet on that last sentence, looking down at his feet as he felt like an idiot for even suggesting something like that. But he was running out of options, he wanted to make sure that everything was, in fact, okay between the two of you. Still, the only thing that lingered on was the sound of the machine until it was finally done.
You turned around with your coffee in hand, looking in his direction but not directly at him as you spoke.
“I’m sorry, Cal. I’m actually going out with Sierra today”
Any other day you would’ve changed your plans with Sierra; any other day you would’ve dropped anything to spend a day with Calum doing the things you love most. But not today, not when his words were still fresh in your mind and your heart, not when he asked you to shut up and stop bothering him for at least a day.
“Oh, right” Calum felt like a propper fool, trying to keep the smile on his face “Have fun, then”
An awkward silence fell upon the two of you before you said “Okay, I’ll get going then. Will you be okay here by yourself?”
“Yeah, yeah!” He tried to seem more cheerful, not wanting you to feel bad about him “I’ll just… start cleaning! Haven’t done that in a while, it’ll be cathartic” And he almost felt proud of the small smile that almost drew on your lips.
You turned to leave when you heard him say:
“I love you!”
He should’ve done something when he didn’t hear you say it back.
*
A week has passed since the incident and everything’s been pretty normal. You wake up at the same time, you eat your meals, do your work and then go back to bed. The only difference is you don’t talk as much as you used to.
It was a conscious thing at first, knowing that Calum needed to concentrate on his things and not wanting to bother him so you wouldn’t get yelled at again. You started to give him the space he asked for, getting out of his way and not talking unless directly spoken to, and whenever he did, you limit yourself to simple answers that would satisfy you both like “Yeah, sounds good” or “Not today, I’m sorry” He never asked beyond that and you thought that was what he wanted, so you unconsciously adopted that as the week went on.
Calum, on the other hand, was losing it whenever you wouldn’t look his way or you wouldn’t even let him touch you. You would wake up next to him and go spend the day away; never sharing a space for more than a few minutes before you moved to another area; you would go to bed at the same time but you didn’t cuddle anymore, never kissed him back whenever he did and pulling away whenever his fingers such as graced your skin, almost as if he were poisonous or something.
It was driving him absolutely mad and he didn’t know what to do. He thought you had forgiven him; you said you forgave him! So why does this feel like torture? Was this on purpose? Sometimes he felt as if the North Pole was warmer than your shoulder as if he was the worst criminal on death row and you were the judge prolonging the sentence until he begged and cried for mercy.
How crazy it seemed that his life turned upside down without you there even if you were just a few meters apart? He was barely functioning as it is, but not having you, not being able to cuddle with you or even kiss you goodnight, it was taking a harder toll on him than anyone could have expected. Even his friends noticed how out of it he was, they have never seen him that distracted or even that sad; he barely ate or slept a good eight hours, he didn’t keep track of the days and all he could do was hope that the next day the situation could be different. It was almost as if the two of you broke up when in reality it was much more complicated than that.
Outside of the relationship you seemed normal. You would hang out with your friends and talk to them daily; you would read your books and listen to your music. But you didn’t share it with him anymore. You stopped asking questions; stopped sharing what you were listening to with him; stopped talking about this new book, show, or movie, or even the latest gossip you heard. You act as if he were a stranger and he can’t handle it, he didn’t know how to handle it.
Today was different, though.
It started to rain before he even got home. Having spent the day at the studio after some days off, he and the guys were much more active and energized to create. Still, all he wanted to do since he left home was come back to it, try and convince you to spend the day with him, and forget about whatever other activity you had planned to avoid him.
But when he finally opened the front door, only Duke’s little paws came to greet him. He got used to the silence, but that didn’t mean he liked it. In fact, he hated how loud it sounded when you were the one creating it. But this silence felt weird, different than the others. Because even though you wouldn’t speak to him, at least he knew you were somewhere in the house. You were still there.
Calum tried to shrug that feeling off, telling himself that you might just be out getting some groceries, thinking that you’ll come back and he would tell you to get ready so you could go out for dinner and maybe even a movie if you were up for it. He was trying to make it right between the two of you again, whatever and however long it took.
He walked over to the kitchen to make himself some tea, and that’s when he saw it: up on the counter, a small piece of paper with your handwriting on it:
“I’m staying at Sierra’s”
That’s it? You were gone just like that? No other explanation?
The ground seemed to sink under his feet as a dreadful feeling filled his chest, closing it and making it hurt with every breath he took. The memory of your actions this past week flooded his mind in a rush, cursing at every sign he willingly turned his eyes from.
You were leaving him.
*
The world happened around you, and you watched as if it were a movie; not really participating or engaging, but taking note as everything moved in slow motion. That’s how it felt sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in your hands as your friends laugh along with one of the many stories shared on girls’ night.
It wasn’t their fault you were so out of touch, lately, your mind was just elsewhere most of the time. Or rather, your mind was with someone most of the time, even if that someone didn’t want you there.
“Hey, are you okay?” Sierra asked, sitting next to you and pulling you out of your head.
“Hmm? Oh, yeah” You smiled, fooling no one.
“Have you talked to him?”
A sigh escaped your lips as you shook your head, it was more complicated than that.
It’s not like you didn’t want to talk to him, you just didn’t know how. After that night you started to second guess every word before it came out of your mouth, wondering what would be too much or if it’s really worth saying it out loud if he didn’t want to hear it in the first place. You didn’t want to give him another reason to yell.
And it’s not like he’s been trying either. Every question that came out of him, every suggestion, and every touch seemed forced. You could tell he was awkward even though he apologized, but it seemed those words weren’t true and you were still somehow bothering him.
Calum was never a man of many words, but he wasn’t one to yell either. That day something seemed to snap in him and it was impossible to see him or yourself in a different light. It wasn’t fair to either of you.
“Am I pushing it?” You asked, “If I feel he doesn’t want me there anymore, is me staying making it worse?”
“Oh, baby” Sierra cooed “Of course Calum wants you there, he loves you!”
And you love Calum, with all of your heart, you love him. But you also love yourself.
“Then why do I feel like he’d be better if I just disappear?”
But just as she was about to answer, the doorbell started ringing like crazy. All of your friends kept quiet, looking around as if to make sure all of you were there and no one was missing.
Sierra got up to try and see who it was, but Luke beat her to it, having appeared from the kitchen and practically running toward the door where he started to have a conversation with whoever was standing on the other side.
You carefully turned to your friend, asking her silently if she knew what was going on, but her face read the same as you as the muffled words became louder.
“Just let me see her!”
Instantly, your body froze at the sound of that too familiar voice as he stepped into the room. Your eyes widened at the sight of Calum, completely drenched from head to toe, eyes watery and hurt as he held on to a little piece of paper in his hand.
“Y/N!” He breathed once he saw you in the midst of your friend group, voice as desperate as his eyes, almost breaking down “Can- can we talk? Please,”
Luke stood behind him, shooting you an apologetic look, and out of the corner of your eye you could see how your friends were starting to move to another room, giving you all the space and privacy you needed
It must’ve been a couple of minutes between his arrival and until the two of you were completely alone. But for Calum, it felt like an eternity as he searched for your eyes and found nothing but shock in them.
Once the room was cleared out, you asked:
“What are you doing here?”
“I- I came to talk,” Calum answered, sheepishly.
“Why are you wet?”
He looked down and for the first time noticed his drenched clothes and the small puddle he was making on the carpet as the droplets of water kept falling from his hair.
“I ran. I thought it would be faster than-”
“Why?”
Your voice had no hint of malice nor annoyance. It was curious, surprised even that he ran all the way here even though it was less than a ten-minute drive. Calum noticed it, too, seeing in your eyes the question he could only answer with the words he feared the most but he knew he couldn’t avoid, at least, not anymore.
He looked at the paper in his hand, most of the writing already gone as it crumbled due to the rain. His heart was beating loudly, but he needed to know.
“Are you leaving me?”
And maybe it was the breaking in his voice, or how small it sounded when he said it out loud. Maybe it was the way he would look at his feet, scared to meet your eyes and find the answer he dreaded the most. But something in that phrase told you almost everything he didn’t say this past week.
“What?” You couldn’t help but ask, matching his soft voice as you failed to hide your own sadness.
“You- you said you were staying at Sierra’s” He explained, “I thought… I thought that was your way of telling me we were over”
A sigh escaped your lips as you looked down “I thought you’d think higher of me than just leaving a simple note”
Calum raised his head, shoulders falling in defeat “And what was I supposed to think, Y/N?” The tiredness in his voice became apparent, almost as if he was giving up “You’re ignoring me ever since-”
“I’m not ignoring you,”
“Bullshit!” He almost laughed, he could laugh. This whole situation was getting off the rails “You barely talk to me, you won’t let me touch you. Y/N it’s been weeks since we had sex or did anything together! When was the last time you let me hold your hand? I can’t even remember the last conversation we had cause all you do is avoid me! Fuck, you can’t even look me in the eyes right now”
You wrapped your arms around yourself, holding yourself tight as you looked back at him and you almost wished you didn’t.
Calum’s eyes were open wide, watery with unshed tears as he struggled to find the right words. The words that would make you listen, maybe even talk to him. But you were so far away that he’s scared he might get lost in translation.
“I understand that I fucked up,” He said, taking a step closer to you but still keeping his distance “I understand that I hurt you and I swear there’s nothing I regret more than what I said that night, it haunts me every day and I know I can’t take them back but please, stop pretending”
You blinked at him “Pretend what?”
“That you’ve forgiven me”
“Calum,” You sighed “I-”
“I know you said you did, but you haven’t. Not really” He saw the way your eyes filled with tears almost instantly, not a word to correct him “And I understand why I’m not saying this to blame you for anything. I just… I just want you to talk to me.
Y/N, this past week has been nothing but torture” Calum admitted “I didn’t realize how much I needed you. When I’m home it doesn’t feel like it, not when you’re not there to greet me or to ask me about my day or just being there… I miss your voice and I miss your jokes, your makeshift songs, and your laugh. I miss when you’d kiss me out of nowhere or when you play with my hair after a long day of work, even when I’ve been nothing but an asshole to you. I didn’t deserve any of that, I didn’t deserve for you to care but, fuck, Y/N what can I do for you to forgive me?
If you want me to beg, I’ll do it. I’ll crawl on my knees and cry if that’s what you ask. I can’t function without you, I can’t breathe or be normal again if I don’t have you in my life and I’m so fucking sorry I took that for granted. Truth is, I need you. If I’m being honest I realized that I need you more than you need me and that’s so fucking scary, I…”
Calum pressed his lips together, looking away as he tried not to cry even though your eyes were already letting the tears fall silently.
“I got so scared when I found that note today,” He said with a breaking voice “Because I knew why you would leave, I understood and- And I hated myself for it. I hated myself because I knew I did nothing to try and make it right, to try and make you stay. I thought I lost the love of my life-”
“You didn’t,” You were quick to answer the moment it seemed like he was about to cry “Not yet, no” You sniffled, trying to compose yourself enough to know what to say “I thought you didn’t want me anymore…”
Calum snapped his head “What? Baby,” He took a step closer “Baby, no. I would never-”
“But you said it!” You cried, “That night, you said I was always bothering you and you wanted me to leave. And I thought that if I stayed out of your business that you’d want me again, that you could still want me. I thought that was what you wanted”
“Fuck, Y/N, no!” Calum shook his head, taking another step closer so that you would be face to face, raising a hand to cup your cheek so he could look into your teary eyes “I love you,”
“Then why didn’t I feel it?” You whispered “Why- Where was this love when you yelled at me? I was so humiliated, Cal” His face fell with shame “And I was so mad, not just because you yelled, but because it seemed so easy for you to do it that I believed every word. They’ve echoed through my mind since that day and even when you said they weren’t true, I couldn’t believe that. Not anymore.
And then you stopped trying to talk to me as well, and I thought-”
Your words got caught up in your mouth the moment Calum leaned over and kissed you, holding your cheeks with his hands as you melted against his body, kissing him back with all of your might.
The saltiness of your tears mixed with the sweetness of his lips, a tempting taste that only got you craving for more since you were deprived of his kiss for a long time. A million thoughts ran through your head, a million words unsaid, but only one feeling that ruled over them.
He was the one to pull away first, chasing your lips and pecking them with small kisses that soon spread all over your face, kissing over your tears and nose; holding you closer as if he were afraid to ever let you go.
“I love you,” He said between tears and kisses “I love you, I love you” He put his hand on the back of your neck, pressing his forehead against yours before hugging you tightly and hiding his face on the crook of your neck as he repeated an unrehearsed speech that came straight from his heart “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, my love, Y/N. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean- I never meant that to be the truth, I swear it wasn’t, not even then and not ever. You didn’t deserve to hear all of that, to even think that I didn’t want you around. I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it, I swear!”
You held on to him, tears streaming down your face as you tried to make sense of his words, not caring that you were now drenched with the rain as well. Once again, mind, pride and heart fight relentlessly to find their meaning. But you didn’t care, at least not for today.
“Calum…”
“Please, come back home” He begged, voice muffled against your skin “I can’t do this without you. I need you, Y/N. I need you and I’m sorry. I should’ve realized, I should’ve noticed! I didn’t mean it, baby. Please,”
“Shh, it’s okay” You whispered, closing your eyes and holding him even tighter as your hand ran up and down his back “It’s okay, Cal. We can get through this, it’s okay. I love you, too”
That night Luke offered to drive you guys back home. You stayed up until the early hours of the morning, just talking, discussing, and forgiving. Not a lie was told and no feelings were held. Promises were made and time will tell if they’d keep that way.
But when you finally went to bed, his arm around your waist and holding you as close as he could, you knew you’d be okay.
*
*
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