So like fluff?? Idk. Angst??? Idk
(Big creds to owner of GIF)
I always have that buzz of energy right after sound check, it just meant that we’re really close to going on. We can hear all the shuffling of the fans getting close to the stage. It felt great knowing that these people were here for me.
The camera crew just left after we showed them our pre-show ritual and what we keep in our dressing rooms. They heard us give each other pep talks and all, they had what they wanted.
“Where’s y/n? She’s usually here for us before everyone goes on.” Ashton points out and I didn’t even stop for a second to think about where she was. In my heart, I was a little nervous about us, mostly because we kind of had an unspoken rule that she’d always be at the shows just because she cares for my career. So I don’t know why I let the next words fall out of my mouth, “who cares where she is.”
All the guys gave me a harsh look and shook their heads. “If you don’t love her anymore, do not do this to her. Don’t drag her along across the world and make her feel like a burden. She’s the sweetest person and you’re acting like she is the biggest problem in the world.” Luke scolds and I raise my eyebrows.
“I do love her,” I state and they all get really quiet. It was starting to make me nervous, how their eyes just screamed that I was wrong.
“Guys, of course, I love y/n. She’s the best thing that has happened to me. Ever. She’s the best person in my life beside you guys. C’mon, you can’t be serious.” I anxiously lean forward and start biting my nails.
“You haven’t really acted like it recently Cal, but we can’t see inside your heart or mind. Just let her know sometimes.” Michael soothes and I nod, laying myself back against the couch.
I just want her here now, just so I could hold her in my arms and do what our ritual was when she first got here. God, I’ve treated her so bad.
It’s us though, we always build ourselves back up.
“That was a fucking amazing show!” Ashton came running down the hall that led backstage. “They’re so fucking loud. I love it.” Luke followed behind him and I was the last one to go.
I look around to see that y/n was nowhere to be seen. She must have been so pissed, I don’t think there was ever a fight that she decided was bad enough to miss a show. I started to feel all the guilt bubble inside of my stomach.
“Drinks tonight, guys?” Ashton asks and I shake my head no. “I’m gonna spend some time with y/n,” I say but everyone else says they’re going. “Make sure to clean up your messes.” Luke winked and I shoved his shoulder, a small smile on my face.
The walk to the bus felt long and lonely, everyone else went a different way as they had cars ready to take them to a club or somewhere.
When I enter the bus, it felt so empty and weird. When I leaned down to look in our bunk, she wasn’t in there, I saw a piece of paper but I assumed it was a schedule. I went the extra bunk to look and she wasn’t in there either. I started to feel panic rise in my chest, my breathing becoming distorted.
I frantically look in the little area where clothes go and it was empty. I check the bathroom and all of her personal products where gone. No, no, no.
I run back to the front of the bus and step out, my body colliding with someone else’s. My first hope was that it was her.
“Mitch? What are you doing here? They’re about to go out.” I say and try to remain calm.
“I knew that y/n was leaving.” He said it like he was scared. “What?” I ask harshly and he takes a step back. “She was talking to Jake about canceling her flight and hotel rooms for good, so I asked her about it. She said she didn’t want it to affect the show.” He explains and I run my hands through my hair.
“You didn’t tell me sooner?” I cross my arms and he just sighed. “Cal, she was so sad and I could see the tears. She just needed me to be quiet and I respected that.” He says calmly and I wanted to fucking cry too. “Did she say where she was going?” I ask and he nods. “Said she was going to her sister's house, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” He says and that’s what makes me turn completely cold and nauseous.
Whenever she needed a break from us or just the world, she always went to her hometown to see her sister. She felt like it was the best therapy. I had realized a long time ago that she went there when she needed a big change in her life. What if she is done with me? She’s going to her sister's house and trying to make a change. Oh god. Don’t panic, don’t panic.
Before I knew it, I was throwing up beside the bus. The guilt and pain had literally caused me to vomit. Mitch was rubbing my back soothingly and I shakily stand back up. “I’ve got to go to the airport. We have a few days off, right?” I ask and he nods slowly. “Cal, I called the cab before you came out of the bus, they should be here soon,” Mitch says and runs my shoulder a little.
The cab drive to the airport felt like a million years, mostly because I was thinking of how she’s probably already in her hometown. So when he got close to the doors, I was already one foot out the door.
I hastily find a desk and ask her where I can find the city, I had to show her the name from my phone. She points me in the direction and I nod quickly.
I was literally running to her zone of the airport, I see her blue highlights from where I was at. She was sitting alone, no one else was in this section. She was the only one going on this flight. Thank god she was still here.
“Babe,” I say and she turns to look at me. I see her bloodshot eyes and tear stains. “Calum, please just go away. I don’t want to talk about it right now.” She waves me off and my heart breaks. I get in front of her and squat down to her level.
“Baby, why are you leaving? You know that I understand what it means when you are going to your sisters.” I sniffle, she just looks straight through me. “Because you don’t love me and I’m not going to stay here for someone who doesn’t care. I’m tired of being here and in this position.” She says so calmly that it made me nervous. The chills wracking throughout me.
“Of course I love you. What do you mean?” I ask and she just laughs. “God Calum, you’re so fucking hilarious. I heard your interview and I heard what you were trying to tell me. I added all the dots, the fights, and the bickering, telling me that I’m not wanted there. I get it, if you were so out of love with me, you should’ve had the decency to tell me.” She was so stone cold and it made my heart feel like someone was putting tiny needles into it.
“You’re right, I don’t treat you the way I should. I should be treating you the way I did when you first got her or when we’re at home. I do love you like I can’t even see my life without you in it. I can’t see Sunday’s without thinking how we go to Huddle House for waffles. I can’t think of dog walks without thinking about how we go to that small park with Duke. I can’t think about seeing small kids and wondering when the hell I get to put a ring on your finger and have kids with you. I just want to wrap you up in my arms and literally keep you there.” I rant and she goes to speak, but more words started to fly out.
“And god I hate when you put your fucking cold feet on my legs and you do that innocent giggle. When you run your hands through my hair and literally rub my head after drinking too much. I love when you smile and the crooked tooth that you hate, but seeing you smile always makes my heart feel like it’s flying. You dance so bad and it always makes me laugh, but I could watch it forever. Or when you have to jump off that last step on the bus, I feel myself wanting to laugh now just thinking about it.” I chuckle and she literally pinches me to make me stop talking.
“Calum, I don’t want to hear this. You haven’t shown me any type of love in weeks. I don’t want to hear this because it’s going to end up going down the drain in a few weeks.” She crosses her arms. I fixate myself where I’m on my knees instead of squatting.
“I haven’t shown you love, but I promise you I will. Forever and the rest of my fucking life. Please, just don’t leave me and break up with me like this. You don’t understand how I feel when I see you. I need you. I’m sorry that I’ve been so bad to you, I just needed to fucking work on me. I took it out on you and I will forever be sorry, I just don’t feel worthy anymore and I just continuously try to find reasons why I’m good enough for anyone, not just you but every single person I come in contact with. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like an option or a burden if anything that’s me.” I express myself and her eyes widen. I feel my eyes burn with more tears surfacing.
I was never one to just flat out speak about what goes on in my mind. She always knew that I kept it in and she would support me through the times I was in a different headspace, but this time I hurt her instead of just myself.
“Calum, look at me. I’m not going to apologize for my feelings because they are my feelings. I do feel sympathetic that you’re going through this. You know how much I appreciate, love, support, and undyingly need you in my life. I never said the words that I was breaking up with you. I don’t want that. I accept your apology, Cal.” She soothes as she wipes a few tears out of my eyes.
She leans down to kiss my lips softly, I start to smile softly when she does. She pulls away and I grab her hands. “So you’re coming back on tour.” I smile widely and she frowns a little. “No babe, I’m not.” She says and I deadpan. “What? Why? You just said you weren’t breaking up with me. Babe, what’s going on?” I was starting to panic again, my chest rising quickly.
“Hey, calm down. You’re putting yourself into a panic attack, just calm down babe. I am not done with us, I promise. I just want to take some time at home and find myself again. I don’t want to be on tour anymore, I need to just relax for once. I need time, okay. Tour ends soon and I will be at our apartment waiting on you. I promise on Duke's life.” She says and I smile a little. “That’s a big promise, baby.” I cup her hands into mine again.
“I know, just don’t lose sight of how much I love you. I know our fights were pointless and petty, I’m done with that point of our relationship. Let’s heal and when you come back, we’ll be us again. If you need me, I’m one call away. I don’t want you holding all this guilt and uncertainty. You don’t know how much I love you and wish that you could see how valuable you are.” She says and leans forward to kiss my lips softly.
“When does the flight leave?” I ask and she shrugs. “It was delayed so I leave in about an hour.” She says and I smile. I move to sit beside her and I wrap my arms around her. “An hour with you sounds amazing. Can we make-out? It’s empty in here.” I ask and she punches my side.
“Such a sleaze, shut the fuck up.” She laughs and leans her head on my shoulder. “I love you, you’re sure you’re gonna want me when I come home?” I ask and she nods so quickly. “You’re my home Calum, I would always come home.” She says and sighs contently.
