We Want Some More
I fled from the sea of counselors anxiously planning for our last week, and I sought solitude. Curled up in the farthest corner of a dark room, the tears that I have suppressed all week begin to flood down my face. Questions that earnestly sought answers swarmed my mind as I tried to find relief in prayer.
Why did I have to endure so much emotional pain this week? Why did I have to patiently wait for her to finally get out of bed in the morning after an hour of encouraging her to get up? Why was she so stubborn? Why did she tell me that she hates me, when I did nothing but try to love her all week? Why would she smile for everyone but me? Why do I feel so insecure and broken? God where were you this week?
These questions ring in my mind, and then all goes still. I waited in silence and then it clicked, I am that camper. I resist God time after time. I attack him and resist everything he tells me, but I listen to other voices so easily. How many times have I refused to get out of bed when he calls me to something bigger. How many times have I missed enriching opportunities out of sheer stubbornness, yet God has opened another door for me? As I start sifting through the wreckage and memories left from the week before, I had to fight back the lies from the enemy and remember the truth that God ensures.
This week made you stronger, you are so capable.
You weren’t a good enough counselor, you’ll never measure up to her counselor from last year.
My daughter, I have called you by name. I placed her in your care.
She defeated you, you aren’t strong enough.
My beloved, you were reliant on my love, you won’t always see the fruits of your labor.
She said she hates you, She said you make her sick.
Let me turn this pain into a beautiful testament of my love and faithfulness towards you.
Push away the lies, shut them down. Their design is to overwhelm you. Allow the truth to blow through all of the cavities of your mind and release you from all fear and doubt because the truth is that God loves. The Alpha and Omega of everything created us with the design of loving us. God’s plea in Hosea 6:6 is wonderfully laid out “I don’t want your sacrifices—I want your love; I don’t want your offerings—I want you to know me.” He has loved us before he even created us (Psalms 139), and he earnestly desires our true expressions of affection and attention from us. He never stops desiring our affections, even though we push him away time after time. God, the creator of all things under heaven and on earth, the ultimate authority has said that I am worthy and loved. He is perfect, so his words must be truth. So why should I chose to believe anything but the beautiful truths he has laid out before me.
These past eight weeks have been more challenging than I would like to admit. I have never felt so dirty, smelly, under-qualified, unconfident, and out of my element than I have as a camp counselor. As a staff we constantly repeat “we want some more, we want some more” through the mundane and undesirable parts of being a counselor, because though it is the most difficult thing I have ever done spiritually, physically, and emotionally, it is for the furthering of the kingdom of God. And what is a more glorious or hopeful calling than that? I have never felt so dependent and reliant on the Lord than I have this summer. I have no true power or authority, I have only what my father in heaven has bestowed upon me, and I want some more.
