Camylio - monsters
"I'm running out of all the ways to lie to myself"
- 'To lie' by definition is "to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive" or "to create a false or misleading impression". We all lie at one point or another: small, big, white lies, with malicious intent, out of fear, out of pain. We all have our own reasons why we do it. Sometimes, in this context, we do it to not feel pain, to deceive ourselves, to 'cope'. It is not the question of how healthy it is, but a question of a way to help us, to keep going when everything seems too heavy and crumbling all around us. We might lie about how good things might've been, we lie that we would ruin things, that nothing would work out, that we do not deserve it or that the other person was not or is not deserving of something.
Yet we forget that the first victim, even if the intention behind lying itself is good or of coping nature, of the lie itself is not the other person or people around, but us. We might lie to others, but the first person to suffer from it are ourselves no matter how noble, how white the lie is. Every lie is a crime against ourselves first and foremost. Even in attempts to use lies for good of ourselves as a way of healing, to coping with the world, with the situation, we hurt ourselves more in the long run. Lie can become "the truth" for us, yet the inner 'I', the inner voice knows the truth and sooner or later it will break out, question is - how violently and how painfully. "Every lie incurs debt to the truth".
"I've tried turning down the monsters living in my head….
…until I forget, that I
would've loved you down to the grave"
- It is not the question of how healthy some things are, that question is left to the people far more understanding and knowing in the fields of human. We all face monsters in our heads - thoughts, fantasies, memories, overthinking, doubts, fear and any other thing that tears us apart from the inside in our heads. Why skip the part from the lyrics that talk about specific distractions? It doesn't matter what kind of distraction it is, healthy or self-destructive, consuming or of slow burn, the goal is the same: not to be in your own head, to forget, to not face the monsters that are in our own heads, monsters that are us. Some pour themselves into the work, some make wild and perhaps questionable choices, some find the distraction in people or in the 'bottle'. Everything to avoid dealing with the one person we have to deal with constantly - ourselves. But we all need a break from ourselves, especially in cases like these were we are waging war against ourselves, lest we become exhausted and break even more.
Distractions help, they help to forget, if just for a moment, our thoughts, feelings, promises, what could've been and what couldn't, and what was, yet we also do not deal with ourselves because of them. And by that we are slowly killing parts of ourselves that might never be created again, that we might like and want to keep.
Yet, they do not always work, instead of distracting they just bring more thoughts, more memories and more paint - exactly the things we run away, and sometimes only serve as a fuel for our own destruction, for our own dismantling.
"sometimes good things fall apart
you're in my head, it's not your fault"
- That is the fact of the life - everything has a beginning and the end. Doesn't matter if it is good or is it something bad, it all ends at some point. It might be a bittersweet ending, painful or even care free. Good, usually, hurts more especially if it has not ended well. Slowly extinguishing flame vs extinguishing it with "violence" that just makes it burn stronger burning yourself in the process till it has burned out completely.
We might act with intention or by just pure luck of being our true selves with a person and we might end up leaving an impact on the person, a mark on them or in their mind and vice versa, they might leave an impact or mark on us or our own mind. It is by our own choice we let people in, we let them have that impact on us through trust and openness. It is not really someone else's fault, that is on us to make that choice. The more we do that, the more painful it might be in the end, yet it has its own beauty in the deeper level of trust and sub sequential vulnerability and a certain level incomparable intimacy to being so open and trusting with someone, and being understood at the same time.
"I guess it's kinda funny
how you can love somebody
from strangers into lovers, into nothing at all"
- There is a saying: "there is one step from love to hatred". We start of strangers even if we know each other, we grow to love someone and with that learn to know them in new light, a lot more deeper and intimate light. That all brings also possibility of immense pain. Sometimes all it takes is one step, one thing to turn the love into the hate for one reason or another. So which one is worse - turn love to hate or turn love to nothingness. Hate, burns with a different flame than love, but flame non the less. It can fill at least the part of the void left by the love. Yet it also destroys what good there was left from the love that burned. Nothingness is just that, emptiness, hollow burnt out husk of the 'self' and slowly that husk is filling up with pain and any other possible feeling or emotion that can find its way in, filling it and hurting like all hell has been broken loose, but in all that there still is a glimmer that some goodness has stayed behind from the love that was once there.
"heartbreak's cruel
I'm scared that I need you
all these thoughts keep on haunting me"
- Being attached to someone is scary, being open and vulnerable with someone is scary. Even more so scary is when you understand that with that attachment you, while it being scary, feel safe or growing more than scared, and thus it grows on you, it grows with and within you, intertwining deeper into your 'self'. Once, in an unfortunate set of events, it is removed, you are not just losing part of the connection or attachment, but a part of yourself that this attachment has grown into. You are not just severing ties, you are tearing part of yourself out. And that is what is really scary - losing part of yourself. Yet with all the possible pain I do think it is worth it, if anything then for the beauty the connection itself can and most likely will create.
It is easy to get into our own head, to let the thoughts and memories haunt and consume us, to let them foster in us and stay there. Sometime we deal with them, sometimes we think they are gone till the moment comes and they come pouring out from the depths and freezing us in place, locking us away from something we truly want or desire. It takes immense courage and will to overcome them, to not let them control us, our decisions and our future. In many cases it is not just trauma or overthinking, insecurity or anything of sorts, it is fear, it is 'what if' scenarios that we keep drowning ourselves in instead of dealing with the thoughts themselves, breaking the frozen chains and move forward taking action. In a case where you already are hurt and moving either forward or backward will hurt more, might as well move somewhere - you already are hurt, so you will either hurt more and achieve something great in the process or will hurt by trying, but that gamble is a hard thing to do, to push ourselves into especially in moving forward. Inaction has its place and time, but it also can serve as a small inner death.
*Chosen are just the parts of the lyrics that speak to me the most at the current point of time, they are, however considered in the full context of the song. Thoughts are my own. Interpretation of the song and meaning put into the lyrics and their interpretation is purely subjective*