Keni

blake kathryn

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Love Begins
YOU ARE THE REASON
AnasAbdin
d e v o n

@theartofmadeline
occasionally subtle

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izzy's playlists!

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Jules of Nature
Xuebing Du
Sweet Seals For You, Always
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JVL
Game of Thrones Daily

roma★
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
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@loltoskip
Auld Lang Syne
"Auld Lang Syne" is a Scottish song. Its Scots title may be translated into standard English as "old long since" or, less literally, "long long ago", "days gone by", "times long past" or "old times". Consequently, "For auld lang syne", as it appears in the first line of the chorus, might be loosely translated as "for the sake of old times". [wiki]
Song of the day XV
Let's end the year on a bit of a somber note. "Когда мы были на войне" / Kogda my byli na voyne / When we were at war by Фольклорный театр "Забайкалье" / Folklore Theatre "Zabaikalye".
Author's title "The Hussar's Song", is a poem by David Samoilov, included in his 1981-1985 collection of poems, "Voices Beyond the Hills." It was set to music by Viktor Stolyarov, who read it in the magazine "Ogonyok." The song gained popularity under the guise of an old Cossack song.
For me this is great example of inner, hidden sadness. The song is centered around the inner monologue of a cavalryman who from the outside is shown nonchalant, with feign indifference, while in reality he is concealing intense emotional pain. Because of it, it seeks death in battle, expecting it as a release from suffering.
Когда мы были на войне, Когда мы были на войне, Там каждый думал о своей Любимой или о жене. Kogda my byli na voyne, Kogda my byli na voyne, Tam kazhdyy dumal o svoyey Lyubimoy ili o zhene. When we were at war, When we were at war, Everyone there thought of their Beloved or wife.
И я бы тоже думать мог, И я бы тоже думать мог, Когда на трубочку глядел, На голубой её дымок. I ya by tozhe dumat' mog, I ya by tozhe dumat' mog, Kogda na trubochku glyadel, Na goluboy yeyo dymok. And I could think too, And I could think too, When I looked at my pipe, At its blue smoke.
Но я не думал ни о чём, Но я не думал ни о чём, Я только трубочку курил С турецким горьким табачком. No ya ne dumal ni o chom, No ya ne dumal ni o chom, YA tol'ko trubochku kuril S turetskim gor'kim tabachkom. But I thought of nothing, But I thought of nothing, I only smoked my pipe With bitter Turkish tobacco.
Как ты когда-то мне лгала, Как ты когда-то мне лгала, Но сердце девичье своё Навек другому отдала. Kak ty kogda-to mne lgala, Kak ty kogda-to mne lgala, No serdtse devich'ye svoyo Navek drugomu otdala. Just as you once lied to me, Just as you once lied to me, But you gave your maiden heart Forever to another.
Я только верной пули жду, Я только верной пули жду, Что утолит печаль мою И пресечёт нашу вражду. YA tol'ko vernoy puli zhdu, YA tol'ko vernoy puli zhdu, Chto utolit pechal' moyu I presechot nashu vrazhdu. I'm only waiting for the right bullet, I'm only waiting for the right bullet, That will quench my sorrow And end our feud.
Когда мы будем на войне, Когда мы будем на войне, Навстречу пулям полечу На вороном своём коне. Kogda my budem na voyne, Kogda my budem na voyne, Navstrechu pulyam polechu Na voronom svoyom kone. When we're at war, When we're at war, I'll fly towards the bullets On my black horse. (Repeat of first verse)
'Dulce et Decorum Est' By Wilfred Owen
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks, Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge, Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs, And towards our distant rest began to trudge. Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots, But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind; Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.
Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!—An ecstasy of fumbling Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time, But someone still was yelling out and stumbling And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime.— Dim through the misty panes and thick green light, As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams before my helpless sight, He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.
If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace Behind the wagon that we flung him in, And watch the white eyes writhing in his face, His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin; If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs, Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,— My friend, you would not tell with such high zest To children ardent for some desperate glory, The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori.
Latin phrase is from the Roman poet Horace: “It is sweet and fitting to die for one’s country.”
Song of the day XIV
Plan 9 - Mademoiselle From Armentieres [They Shall Not Grow Old (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)]
Marching folk (Roud Folk Song Index 4703) song. Popular amongst British and Allied soldiers during World War 1. The tune itself finds its popularity in 1830s French Army. In 1870 Franco-Prussian war it is resurrected, and again in 1914 when British and other Allied troops arrive in France. Most likely immediate predecessor of the song is another popular military tune "Skiboo" (or "Snapoo"), which also circulated among British soldiers during World War 1. Considered a risqué song and not for 'polite company'.
The World War 1 version of the song is credited to Harry Carlton and Joe Tunbridge as primary composers. Although some historical records mention Australian soldier Cecil H. Winter, who composed or adapted the words during his service in 1915-1916 in England and France with New Zealand forces (Born in Australia, emigrated to New Zealand prior to WW1). The historical inspiration for the song centers on a real person: Marie Lecoq (later Marie Marceau), a young French waitress who worked at the Café de la Paix in Armentières during the war. According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (December 4, 1939), she became the subject of the song's narrative. One account describes an incident where she spiritedly slapped a British General who questioned her honesty regarding a money matter, an event that circulated among soldiers and inspired the lyrics. The first known recording was made in 1915 by music hall baritone Jack Charman.
Despite many crude versions that became famous among troops, the original composition was reportedly quite clean. The song became famous for its French-inspired refrain "Hinky-Dinky Parlez-Vous" (also spelled "Inky-Pinky Parlez-Vous"), which reflected soldiers' attempts to communicate with French locals and served as a humorous pickup line. The song humorously recounted British soldiers' "escapades" with French women and their frustrations with military life, making it one of the most successful wartime songs ever created. It was so popular that it was reportedly banned by censors at a U.S. east coast army camp, and a war film from 1926 was named after the song. It is also the third part of the regimental march of Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry.
This version is part of the soundtrack for the documentary "They Shall Not Grow Old" featured in the end-credits. The credits specifically note that the song was performed by Plan 9 along with Joel Watson, Nathan Carlton, Alan Davison, Colin Leeman, Thomas Lord, Jon McQueen, and Chris Todd - singers chosen to closely replicate the accents of the actual British soldiers featured in the documentary.
Song of the day XIII
Prāta Vētra (BrainStorm) / Би-2 (Bi-2) - Скользкие улицы - Skolzkije Ulici (Slippery Streets)
Joint venture of two bands, released in 2004 as part of Bi-2 album "Иnoмарки" (Inomarki / Foreign cars). Song reached first place on the charts in Latvia, Russia and Ukraine.
This song is a strange case for me of "I know of its existence at the time of its release and afterwards but don't care", yet I have, in a very strange way, grown to like and appreciate it the older I got. It brings certain calm comfort and some level of sadness and somberness, at least to my taste.
Воздух искрит, и просто поверить, Лопнет, как мыльный пузырь, Самый страшный кошмар. Vozduh iskrit, i prosto poverity, Lopnet, kak milyniy puziry, Samiy strshniy koshmar. The air sparkles, and it's easy to believe, It will burst like a soap bubble, The worst nightmare.
Вспыхнет в груди, но не согреет, Сердце оставит пустым Янтарный пожар Vspihnet v grudi, no ne sogreet, Serdce ostavit pustim Yantarniy pozhar It will flare up in the chest, but it won't warm, It will leave the heart empty Amber fire.
Припев: Скользкие улицы, иномарки целуются, Помятые крылья несчастной любви. Минуты отмечены случайными встречными, Но никто не ответит, что ждет впереди. Skolyzkie ulici, inomarki celuyutsya, Pomyatie krilyya neschastnoy lyubvi. Minuti otmecheni sluchaiynimi vstrechami, No nikto ne otvetit, chto zhdet vperedi. Chorus: Slippery streets, foreign cars kissing, The dented wings of unhappy love. Minutes are marked by random encounters, But no one can tell what lies ahead.
Плавится лед на бархатном теле, Тает, как легкий дымок, Короткая ночь. Plavitsya led na barhatnom tele, Taet, kak legkiy dimok, Korotkaya noch. The ice melts on a velvety body, Melts like light smoke, A short night.
Время пройдет, и однажды развеет Пестрая лента дорог Сомнения прочь. Vremya proiydet, i odnazhdi razveet Pestraya lenta dorog Somneniya proch. Time will pass, and one day it will dispel The motley ribbon of roads Doubts away. Припев Chorus
На стрелках перекрестки До горизонта плоски, Город, словно остров, На краю земли. Na strelkah perekrestki Do gorizonta ploski, Gorod, slovno ostrov, Na krayu zemli. Crossroads at the arrows Flat to the horizon, A city like an island, At the edge of the earth.
Припев 2 раза Chorus 2 times
Song of the day XII
Vladimir Skuntsev ("Kazachij Krug" ("Cossack Circle") ensemble) - Not for me [spring will come] / Не Для Меня [Придёт Весна] / Ne dlya menya [pridet vesna]
Russian romance originally written and published in the magazine “Library for Reading” No. 33 for 1838-1839, as a poem in 1838 by marine officer A. Molchanov, set to music by composer Nikolai Petrovich Devitte. Was extremely popular in mid 19th century after which was forgotten and experienced rebirth in the begging of 1900s, later forgotten and reintroduced in 1970s and in more modern iterations in 1990s. Due to its themes and changes along the way, this noble or Russian romance, is oftentimes mistakenly called a "Cossack folk song". While it has many variations, they all talk, in essence, about heavy burden, thoughts or share of someone who understands that he will not be destined to or won't return or come back home.
I personally have always found certain fondness towards older folk songs, be they of railroad works songs, sea shanties, military or soldiers songs, or such Cossack folk songs types. In latter two cases the theme and the nature of the songs, the somberness, almost fatalistic nature of them, are what really attracts and keeps me 'hooked'. They feel heavy, yet I keep coming back to them for their sentiment and 'feel', almost like the soul is yearning for something like that - grounding, somber, fatalistic yet very human. Every word it feels like it speaks to something way deeper that I would care to admit, and it speaks in the way that only that depth understands. Some songs make you feel good, some make you feel happy, some make you feel sad, and some speak to corners of 'you' that I can't even begin explaining. They do, however, fit very well and seem almost comforting in moments to melancholy, sadness and everything around and between.
Lyrics in Russian are written in 'older' manner that would be present at the beginning of 20th century. Не для меня придётъ весна, Не для меня Донъ разольётся, Тамъ сердце дѣвичье забьётся Съ восторгомъ чувствъ не для меня! Ne dlya menya pridyot vesna, Ne dlya menya Don razol'jotsya, Tam serdtse devich'je zab'jotsya S vostorgom chuvstv ne dlya menya… Spring will not come for me, The Don will not overflow for me, There a maiden's heart will beat With the rapture of feelings, not for me!
Не для меня цвѣтутъ сады, Въ долинѣ роща расцвѣтаетъ. Тамъ соловей весну встрѣчаетъ Онъ будетъ пѣть не для меня…| Ne dlya menya tsvetut sady, V doline roscha raztsvetajet. Tam solovej vesnu vstrechajet, On budet pet' ne dlya menya… The gardens will not bloom for me, The grove will blossom in the valley. There the nightingale will greet spring, He will sing, not for me…
Не для меня журчатъ ручьи, Текутъ алмазными струями. А дѣва съ чёрными бровями - Она растётъ не для меня. Ne dlya menya zhurchat ruch'ji, Tekut almaznymi strujami. A deva s chyornymi brovyami - Ona rastyot ne dlya menya… The streams will not murmur for me, Flowing in diamond-like streams. And the maiden with black eyebrows - She grows, not for me.
Не для меня придётъ Пасха, За столъ родня вся соберётся. «Христосъ Воскресъ!» — изъ устъ польётся Въ Пасхальный день не для меня… Ne dlya menya pridyot Paskha, Za stol rodnya vsya soberyotsya. "Khristos Voskres!" - iz ust pol'jotsya V Paskhal'nyj den' ne dlya menya… Easter will not come for me, All the relatives will gather at the table. "Christ is Risen!" — will flow from their lips On Easter Day, not for me…
Не для меня цвѣтутъ цвѣты, Распуститъ роза цвѣтъ душистый. Сорвёшь цвѣтокъ, а онъ завянетъ; Такая жизнь — не для меня… Ne dlya menya tsvetut tsvety, Raspustit roza tsvet dushistyj. Sorvyosh' tsvetok, a on zavyanet; Takaja zhizn' - ne dlya menya… Flowers do not bloom for me, The rose will blossom into a fragrant bloom. You pick a flower, and it will wither; Such a life is not for me…
А для меня — кусокъ свинца, Онъ въ тѣло бѣлое вопьётся, И слёзы горькіе польются - Такая жизнь прождётъ меня! A dlya menya - kusok svinsta, On v telo beloje vop'jotsya, I slyozy gor'kija pol'jutsya - Takaja zhizn' prozhdyot menya! And for me - a piece of lead, It will sink into my white flesh, And bitter tears will flow - Such a life awaits me!
What? and Why? of "I'm Bad for You" or "I'm Not Good for You"
I never really understood the phrases such as "I'm not good for you" or "I'm not good enough". Well, that's not a fully correct statement, I understand certain part of them or condition: when they are used in the domain-specific and task-oriented context, partially because I have felt like that in quite a few situations and cases. When it comes to the context of human relations and relationships, yeah, that one's lost one me. So this will be me exploring the difference between the two and attempting to understand them in the context when they are used in terms of relationships.
The Difference. At the very first glance they might seem very similar, I know I have treated them in a very similar matter in the past, but they have very different psychological differences for they essentially tap into fundamentally different aspects of self-perception, they have different psychological weight, and have different implications for ones identity and well-being. I will speak about the relationship, relation, connection part more in depth down bellow.
One of the first major differences is that in context of tasks these phrases relate to the self-efficacy or your belief in your ability to perform specific tasks successfully and accomplish particular goals. Self-efficacy is task-oriented and domain-specific, which means that you can have high self-efficacy in certain areas, like chemistry, and low self-efficacy in other area[s], like public speaking or biology. What is important, is that self-efficacy is very context-dependent and changeable. Generally, if you feel that you are not good enough at particular task or area, you can learn new skills, gain more experience, practice and improve your overall competence. The assessment is based on observable, measurable capabilities that you can develop over time. In contrast, the same phrases in the context of relations, connections and relationships, strikes at the very core of self-worth, or your very fundamental sense of value as a person. Self-worth, unlike self-efficacy, is global, it encompasses your overall evaluation of yourself as a human being, that deserves loves and belonging. If self-efficacy asks the question "Can I do this?", then self-worth asks "Am I valuable as a person?". The question regarding relation implicates not just your abilities but also your identity, character, and fundamental worthiness of connection itself.
However, these varying contexts also create certain identity threats, if we can call them as such. In cases when you feel inadequate in professional challenges or some tasks, you're experiencing something called performance-based or achievement-based identity threat. That threat is primarily regarding your competence in specific area/domain. Task related feelings of incompetence, inadequacy usually involve concerns about your abilities, capabilities, skills, or expertise in particular area. Things, such as imposter syndrome at work - feeling like a fraud despite there being evidence of competence - is characterized by doubt, that persists, about your abilities and you attributing success to luck rather than skill. The task based inadequacy threatens your identity that is based on performance and not the identity that is responsible for your core sense of human worth. You might feel you are bad or not up to par in some aspect like coding, budgeting or public speaking, but in no case does that mean that you are or that you believe that you are worthless as a person, as a human being. In contrast, saying the same things in context of relationship, and for the ease of it I will refer to this using one of the mentioned words instead of mentioning "relations, connections, relationships" multiple times again and again (hello insanity), creates a threat to the identity that strikes much, much more deeper. This basically impacts the fundamental human needs that we all have - worthiness of love, belonging, intimate connection. The 'self' in context of relations is achieved through bonds of attachment with significant others and is based on reflected appraisal - how we believe important see us, even if that is completely wrong and far from reality. What we think how others see us and how others see us are different things in this case. When you believe in statements like "I am not good for them", when it is someone you care about, you are concluding that your presence, character, or your very being causes harm to someone you value. (And that, frankly, seems like self fulfilling prophecy - by believing in that you not just hurt yourself, but them as well). All this threatens not just what you can do, but who you are at your vey core. This identity threat in relationships involve perceptions that your capabilities, dignity, self-worth are questioned and challenged in ways that can affect the development and continuation of your self-identity.
Another point of distinction between these two context for these phrases is reflection of two different foundations of self-evaluation: performance based worth and inherent worth. In the context of tasks and professional areas, it is often appropriate and adaptive to evaluate yourself based on how you perform, that is a common metric even in our daily lives that we constantly return to even if we do that subconsciously. Your sense of how competent you are fluctuates based on your actual abilities and achievements in specific areas. Phrases, such as "I'm not good enough at this task" is genuinely a valid concern of your abilities, that is task specific self assessment that can drive your further improvement. You are evaluating your current knowledge, competence, skill level against the demands of the particular task, which can provide useful feedback for learning and development. The problem here might arise when performance based self esteem extends beyond specific tasks and becomes the foundation of your overall self-worth. When your entire sense of value depends achievement and external validation, your self esteem becomes fragile and very conditional - vulnerable to every setback or failure. Performance-based identity means "you are what you achieve" aka your worth rises and falls with your accomplishments. This creates quite shaky foundation where any downturn in performance threatens your entire sense of value. In contrast, any healthy relationship should be built on recognition of inherent worth - the belief that people are valuable simply because they exist, not because of what they achieve. In other terms - every life is sacred for it is life. In the words of one of the founders of humanistic psychology, Carl Rogers, "unconditional positive regard". The phrase "I am not good for you" and its variations in any form are the contradiction of the very principle of inherent worth. By voicing and believing it, person suggests that their fundamental being, not just their performance in specific tasks, is somehow deficient and harmful. This is especially problematic because the relation value shouldn't be conditional on some performance. You don't have to "earn" love or belonging through achievements; these should all flow from mutual care, compatibility, and recognition of each person's intrinsic value.
The context and the phrases themselves differ quite drastically in their scope and how specific they are. When we say something in the lines of "I'm not good at programming", "I'm not good at playing certain instrument", etc., these statements are bound, they apply to that particular skillset, case and domain, and do not necessary generalize beyond them. You can be and feel highly competent in some areas, like reading and completely inadequate in mathematics, confident in chosen language and completely lost in biology. These beliefs exist to some degree independently and can vary across different areas of your life. This is highly narrow and specific. Phrases like "I'm not good for you" make a complete sweep of a judgement about your entire being, the whole persona, the whole 'you' that exists in relation to another person. It's not specific and is not limited to behaviors or skills, it encompasses your whole character, personality, emotional state, life circumstances, and fundamental compatibility with another human. The nature of such statement, the globality of this relation inadequacy feelings makes them more pervasive and lot harder to address. You can't just simply study or practice to become "good" for someone the way it might work with specific task related conditions. It is global and diffuse.
Another core difference is how shapeable, malleable, changeable these perceived inadequacies are. Task based and specific ones are quite malleable. You can strengthen self-efficacy through various sources: mastery experience or successfully performing tasks, vicarious experience or observing others successfully performing tasks, social persuasion or encouragement from others, and by managing emotional states. If you are bad or "not enough" at or for the tasks today, you can become better and adequate tomorrow through learning, practice, feedback, and skill development, thus inadequacy in this case is situational and improvable. Relation inadequacy, in contrast, feels more fixed and intractable. When you believe you are "not good for" someone, it is unclear what specific actions would change that fundamental assessment. The issue isn't, usually, about some learnable skills but about perceived incompatibility, unresolved trauma, mental health struggles, or deep-seated belies of being unworthy. This perception that such things are immutable is partially the reason why relational inadequacy statements are often used to exit relationships - they suggest that there is fundamental mismatch that no amount of personal growth will fix. Perceived does not mean it is real.
Both cases have significant differences in emotional consequences as well. Feeling inadequate about tasks usually produces performance anxiety - worry about meeting expectation, fear of failure, or a concern that one might be exposed as incompetent. Such anxiety is highly directed at specific situations and demands of certain conditions, tasks. Performance anxiety is and imposter syndrome can be distressing and impact well-being, they are however more manageable due to their nature off being more contained. You might feel anxious about certain task without questioning your fundamental core worth as a human being. It will, however, most likely impact work satisfaction, professional confidence, and achievement behaviours rather than your core identity. If you believe that you are "not good for" someone you care about, it creates deeper existential distress that questions your very worthiness of love and belonging, again, it touches on the very fundamental needs for attachment and connection. Anxiety in context of relationship involves constant and persistent worry about the relationship itself and your worthiness in it. Unlike the task one, relationship anxiety can pervade your entire sense of self and affect multiple domains of your life. Relational conflicts and threats have particularly strong negative effects on well-being, creating tension, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and sometimes even identity related burnout when persistent.
Of course there are some comparison processes involved as well. In context of tasks you are evaluating you abilities relative to others or objective standards in this particular task category, like how good you must be at graphic design for particular role and such. You might compare you performance, skills and abilities to classmates, colleagues or teammates. Social comparison in achievement context can affect self-concept , but it is relatively bound to certain domain in the sense that your self-concept in math wont most likely affect your self-concept in language arts or your overall sense of worth. Relationship context is a bit more complex, it involves reflected appraisal or way of understanding yourself through how you believe important others see you. This comparison isn't just about relative abilities but about the very fundamental acceptability and lovability of yours as a person. When you believe you are "not good for" a romantic partner, you are essentially making a judgment not just about your relative compatibility but about whether your essential self causes harm or falls short of what a worthy partner should be. (spoilers - your self does not cause harm, and you are enough as a partner)
I will include some points about some ideas for recovery and resolution of such situations and conditions. I will, however, speak about relationship ones more in depth down bellow. For task based ones, it is quite straight forward: develop skills, practice, reframe your expectations, and building confidence through incremental success. If that is professional environment then organisations can provide training, mentoring and more supportive environment and than boost the skill level, confidence, self-efficacy. Even more persistent things, such as imposter syndrome, can be addressed through cognitive restructuring, recognizing your accomplishments, accepting feedback, and developing self-assessments that are more realistic to the reality. It is worth mentioning about relationships as well. Path in this case is a lot more complex and psychologically involved. It oftentimes require for person to address their deep-seated beliefs about worthiness, healing attachment wounds, understanding their fears of intimacy, or sometimes recognising genuine incompatibility versus some anxiety-driven distortions. Sometimes the feeling of "I'm not good enough or you" might reflect legitimate self-awareness that requires some personal work before healthy relationships are possible. Other times, it just reflects distorted beliefs about unworthiness that therapy, which there is no shame in asking for help, can address. And in some cases it might accurately identify fundamental incompatibility that no amount of personal growth and work can bridge.
Now more about relationship part, what is it and why people even say such phrases as "I'm bad for you", "I'm not good for you".
The psychology behind At the very core often lies fear off intimacy and vulnerability. When relationships deepen and emotional stakes increase, some people experience overwhelming anxiety about potential future plans, such phrases become a preemptive strike, a preemptive breakup - a way to end things before they potentially go wrong, instead of responding to the actual and current problem. This pattern usually emerges just as relationships require greater emotional investment. The person isn't responding to the reality, to what is actually happening in the relationship, but to what they fear might happen. Humans generally prefer avoiding loses over acquiring equivalent gains, meaning the potential pain of a future breakup can feel more significant than the joy of continuing relationship. These phrases can also be a reflection of deeply rooted beliefs about one's unworthiness that has been formed during childhood. These "core beliefs" operate largely in the unconscious and can be surprisingly dramatic and untrue, yet people unwittingly base all their life decisions around them. Someone who truly believes that "I'm not good enough" at their very core may genuinely thing they are protecting their partner by leaving, even when the relationships is healthy. When person struggles with low self-esteem, they might convince themselves that their partner deserves better, that they'll inevitably cause harm, or that the lack what's needed to sustain a healthy relationship. This becomes a self fulfilling prophecy - by believing they are not good enough and acting accordingly, they create the very rejection and relationship failure they feared. People who are of anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment styles often experience an internal conflict between craving closeness and fearing intimacy. This creates sort of push-pull dynamic where they initially come on strong with intense feelings, but as the relationship deepens and vulnerability increases, they retreat emotionally. The phrase itself becomes their exit strategy when discomfort of closeness becomes overwhelming. Rather than navigating the vulnerability required for genuine intimacy, they push their partner away to avoid the terrifying prospect of being truly known and potentially rejected.
Additional meaning and motivation Sometimes these phrases might as a simple and soft way to reject someone. Rather than saying that the other person is not good enough or that you don't want to be with them, you frame that as "I'm not good for you" and that can feel kinder and less harsh. It shifts the blame away from the other person and positions the one proclaiming that as someone who is self-aware of their limitations. in some cases, the phrase might reflect legitimate self-recognition of problematic behaviours. Someone might genuinely recognize they are having negative impact due to unresolved mental health issues, addictions, or toxic patterns they haven't yet addressed. When someone tells you shouldn't be with them, it is oftentimes wise to listen to them and believe. However, the crucial distinction is whether this recognition leads to actual change and growth, or whether it becomes a recurring excuse to avoid commitment and vulnerability. The phrase can also be a manifestation of self-sabotage behaviour - unconscious patterns that undermine relationships. People who are engaged in self-sabotage might:
Look for flaws in otherwise healthy relationships to justify leaving
Create problems or conflicts that provide an excuse to exit
Engage in deliberately hurtful behaviors to give their partner a reason to leave them
Fixating on negative aspects while ignoring positives This behaviour often stems from deep seated belief that they don't deserve love and/or happiness, or from fear that intimacy will ultimately lead to pain. In some twisted way of a paradox, many people who use these phrases are actually terrified off being abandoned. By ending the relationship first - framing it as protection for the other person - they maintain control over the inevitable loss they believe is coming. This preemptive self-rejection allows them to experience rejection and loss almost like "on their own terms" rather than risking being blindsided by it later. People who anxiously expect rejection become hypervigilant for signs of it, readily perceive it in ambiguous situations, and then overreact with anger, withdrawal, or controlling behaviours. These reactions often create the very rejection they feared, completing the self-fulfilling prophecy.
Manipulation vs Self-Protection It is important to distinguish between someone struggling with these psychological patterns and someone using the phrase manipulatively. In unhealthy or toxic relationships, saying "I'm not good or you" or similar can be a form of emotional manipulation - a way to keep partner off-balance, to avoid accountability for harmful behaviour, or to maintain control through intermittent reinforcement of affection and withdrawal.
The impact Being on the receiving end of this phrase can be deeply confusing and quite painful. Partners oftentimes feel:
Rejection yet uncertainty - the message is unclear about whether it's about compatibility or about person's internal struggles
Frustrated - especially if the relationship seemed healthy and the concerns feel unfounded
Caught in a push-pull cycle - where they are drawn in and then pushed away Breaking Recognising the use of this phrase, recognition in general is the first step. There are some ways how to address this pattern:
Therapy to explore attachment wounds, core beliefs, and self-worth issues
Present-moment awareness to distinguish between actual relationship problems and fear-based reactions
Open communication about fears using "I" statements rather than ending relationships prematurely
Building self-esteem independently of external validation Ultimately, the use of the phrase and the phrase itself reveals more about speaker's internal world - fears, wounds, and beliefs about themselves - than it does about the actual viability of the relationship. Understanding these underlying dynamics can help both involved people navigate these painful and unpleasant moments with more clarity and compassion.
Using these phrases as motivation One of more nuanced points and approaches is to use these phrases, whatever their basis and reason, as additional source of motivation. Not "in spite" or "proving yourself" but "because I want to grow" and "because I value the other person".
The framing The crucial part in framing of the motivation is moving from external validation to internal development. We shift to "not to prove something" so that we can acknowledge that the goal is not to earn acceptance or to fear or avoid rejection - it is genuine personal development that happens to be catalyzed by the relationship. This aligns with what is called relational catalyst support - the concept that healthy relationships can inspire and support perisomal growth and thriving, not through pressure or proving worthiness, but through mutual encouragement towards becoming one's best self. Partners should and when they do support each other's goal-strivings in responsive ways, it promotes feelings of capability, self-esteem, self-growth, and goal accomplishment over time. There is something that's called healthy interdependence which can be described as "developing self-worth with you". This is fundamentally different from codependency. In interdependent relationships, both partners maintain their individuality and autonomy while also supporting each other's growth. Interdependence involves a balanced blend of autonomy and connectedness where individuals rely on each other for emotional support and personal growth while maintaining their sense of independence. The relationship becomes a context for mutual evolution, not a stage for proving worthiness. Valuing your partner can be a legitimate, healthy motivation for change. When it is done from a place of genuine care for the partner and loved one, and not from the fear or obligation, it is natural and can be positive. People, partners powerfully influence each other's positive changes, people are more likely to successfully change when their partner changes with them. This mutual influence reflects healthy interdependence rather than one-sided people-pleasing.
Key healthy points
Accountability vs Proving. Healthy accountability involves recognizing your actual problematic patterns and taking responsibility or addressing them - not to avoid abandonment, but because you genuinely want to be better. "Owning your part is and act of humility, and that gesture opens the door for your partner to reciprocate." True accountability asks "What is my part in this dynamic?" with curiosity rather than self-flagellation. It involves self-awareness, empathy, honestly, and emotional resilience - qualities cultivated over time that function fundamentally changes how you interact. in contrast, "proving" focuses on external validation, creating an unsustainable dynamic where you're constantly monitoring whether you're "good enough" yet. The core difference here is whether you're changing because you've gained genuine insight into problematic patterns you want to address, or because you're desperately trying to avoid rejection.
Intrinsic vs Extrinsic Motivation. The healthiest growth is primarily motivated intrinsically - driven by your own values and desires to become best self - even when relationship serves as additional inspiration. According to self-determination theory, autonomy-supportive partners, the ones who support your self-directed goals, enhance motivation and well-being precisely because they don't pressure change. "Autonomy support from partners was associated with greater self-determined motivation for healthy eating and self-report well-being." The key is that your partner creates an environment that supports your autonomous growth rather than demanding you change to meet their needs. Reframing the statement suggests that relationship adds motivational fuel to growth you genuinely want for yourself, which is different from changing yourself primarily to be acceptable.
Mutual growth and reciprocity. Healthy interdependent relationship involve both partners growing together, not one person constantly working to be worthy while other remains static. A healthy relationship have three relationships - yours, your partner's, and your together relationship. Couples that change behaviours together are more successful than when only one partner is healthy or changing. This mutual influence reflect genuine partnership rather than one-sided striving. Being the only one working on growth while your partner remains unchanged or is unsupportive might be a red flag suggesting that it is more like a codependency rather than interdependency.
Maintaining Core Authenticity. Healthy changes involves adjusting problematic behaviours and patterns while remaining true to your core self and values. You are becoming better version off yourself, not a different person shape to meet someone else's preferences. In healthy relationships, partners help each other move towards their "ideal selves" - the person you aspire to be based on your own values - through what is called the Michelangelo phenomenon. This is vastly different from molding yourself to fit someone else's idea.
Self-Worth Development, Not Self-Worth Dependence. Phrasing it as "develop self-worth with you" is critical. Healthy relationships contribute to your self-worth but don't become the source of it. In interdependent relationships, partner's support increases self-esteem and confidence, but individuals don't rely on their partner or basic feelings of worth. "It's never healthy to depend on others to validate yourself". In codependent dynamics, self-worth is entirely contingent on the partner's approval, creating desperate attempts to maintain that approval. if the motivation truly is developing self-worth "with" your partner - meaning they support and inspire your growth but your fundamental sense of worth isn't dependent on them - this maintains healthy boundaries.
This whole reframing is most likely to be healthy when:
You're Addressing Genuine Patterns You Recognize. If "I'm not good for you" reflects legitimate self-awareness about patterns you've identified as problematic - like emotional unavailability, poor communication, unresolved trauma responses, or addictive behaviors - then working on these issues is appropriate and healthy. The key is that your recognition comes from genuine self-reflection, not from your partner criticizing you or from fear of abandonment.
Both Partners Are Committed to Growth. Healthy relationships involve both people working on themselves and supporting each other's development. If your partner is also examining their patterns and growing alongside you, this creates the mutual evolution that characterizes thriving relationships.
The Relationship Provides "Relational Catalyst Support". Partners can provide what's called relational catalyst support - responsive encouragement that promotes exploration, autonomy, and goal-striving rather than pressure or control. When partners offer this type of support, it enhances the supported person's feelings of capability, which predict long-term thriving outcomes including self-growth, self-esteem, and goal accomplishment. If your partner responds to your growth efforts with responsive, autonomy-supportive encouragement rather than criticism, pressure, or impatience, the relationship truly becomes a catalyst for positive development.
You're Working on Yourself Independent of Relationship Outcomes. The healthiest approach involves committing to growth whether or not the relationship continues. If you're addressing these patterns because they align with who you want to be regardless of any particular relationship, that's a strong sign of healthy motivation.
Some pitfalls to watch for Even with this healthy framing there are some risks that are present:
Avoiding Genuine Incompatibility. Sometimes "I'm not good for you" reflects fundamental incompatibility that personal growth cannot resolve. If the core issue is mismatched attachment needs, values, life goals, or availability, working harder on yourself may keep you stuck in an unsuitable relationship. Some incompatibilities have no remedy because conforming to the other's needs would make the relationship miserable for one or both people. Growth is valuable, but it cannot bridge all gaps.
Slipping Into Codependency. The line between healthy interdependence and codependency can be subtle. Warning signs that you've crossed into unhealthy territory include losing sight of your own needs and interests, seeking constant validation from your partner, feeling unable to function independently, or basing your entire self-worth on whether you're "good enough" for them.
One-Sided Effort. If you're doing all the work while your partner makes no effort to address their own patterns or support your growth, this creates an imbalanced dynamic characteristic of codependency rather than healthy interdependence.
Using Growth as Emotional Avoidance. Sometimes focusing intensely on self-improvement can become a way to avoid confronting difficult relationship realities or uncomfortable emotions. If you're frantically working on yourself to avoid facing whether the relationship is genuinely healthy or meeting your needs, that's a form of avoidance.
The quality and context matter. Reframing - treating "I'm not good for you" as additional motivation for growth focused on developing self-worth with your partner rather than proving yourself - can be healthy, but the specific context and quality of implementation matter enormously. This approach is most likely to be healthy when it reflects genuine accountability for patterns you've identified through honest self-reflection, when growth is primarily intrinsically motivated with the relationship providing additional inspiration and support, when both partners are engaged in mutual evolution, and when you maintain core authenticity and self-worth that isn't entirely dependent on your partner's approval. The crucial test is whether the relationship functions as a catalyst for your authentic development or as a source of pressure to become someone you're not. Healthy relationships inspire you to become the best version of yourself - not a different person designed to avoid rejection. Relationships can be powerful catalysts for personal growth, providing the mirror we need to see ourselves clearly and offering challenges that drive us toward becoming our best selves. When both partners support each other's autonomous growth through responsive encouragement, the relationship becomes a context for mutual thriving. However, this only works when you're simultaneously maintaining your independence, ensuring your self-worth doesn't depend entirely on the relationship, addressing real patterns rather than morphing yourself to please someone, and ensuring the relationship itself is fundamentally compatible and healthy. If your motivation truly is "I recognize patterns I want to change, I value you and our relationship, and that adds fuel to growth I'm pursuing for myself," you're likely in healthy territory. If it's "I need to become different so you'll stay," you've crossed into unhealthy proving behavior.
Sources: https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-intimacy-2671818 https://mentalzon.com/en/post/2664/understanding-anxiously-avoidant-attachment-the-push-pull-of-love-and-fear https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/maybe-its-just-me-but/201004/when-you-feel-youre-not-good-enough-for-somebody https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/feeling-not-good-enough.htm https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202409/im-not-good-enough https://www.hoffman-counselling.com/single-post/jealousy-cycles https://psychcentral.com/relationships/ways-to-overcome-a-push-pull-dynamic-in-your-relationship https://albertellis.org/2014/04/dealing-with-your-partners-fear-of-intimacy/ https://www.talkspace.com/blog/self-sabotaging-relationship/ https://nickwignall.com/7-signs-youre-dating-an-emotionally-immature-adult/ https://www.besttherapists.com/blog/self-sabotaging-relationships-examples https://www.verywellmind.com/are-you-sabotaging-your-relationship-4705235 https://therapygroupdc.com/therapist-dc-blog/understanding-self-sabotaging-relationship-signs-and-solutions/ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/the-startling-reason-we-sabotage-love https://psychology.columbia.edu/sites/default/files/2016-11/merp.pdf https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/the-causes-of-emotional-distance-in-couples/ https://mentalzon.com/en/post/2161/the-martyr-complex-sacrificing-for-recognition-and-self-worth https://lyrapolska.pl/en/blog/spread-your-wings-self-esteem-as-a-self-fulfilling-prophecy https://positivepsychology.com/psychological-distancing/ https://breakthroughcounsellingcentre.co.ke/how-to-know-you-have-martyr-complex/ https://willingness.com.mt/the-self-fulfilling-prophecy-in-our-relationships/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3160517/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-future-self/201803/the-danger-of-self-protection-in-relationships https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/anzf.1398 https://www.talkspace.com/blog/people-who-are-bad-for-us-falling-for-how-to-stop/ https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-that-youre-in-an-unhealthy-relationship-5218237 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201712/7-signs-that-youd-be-better-off-ending-a-relationship https://www.respectvictoria.vic.gov.au/news/red-flags-what-love-bombing-and-why-it-bad https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-handle-rejection-so-that-you-can-heal-and-move-on https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-rejection-sensitivity-4682652 https://nationalsocialanxietycenter.com/social-anxiety/anxiety-about-romance-rejection/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/working-through-shame/201906/facing-rejection
Sources: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/pushing-people-away https://mentalzon.com/en/post/2868/is-distancing-the-same-as-ignoring-understanding-healthy-emotional-separation https://thoughtcatalog.com/ellen-scheidt/2014/05/dont-ruin-your-relationship-with-self-fulfilling-prophecies/ https://eprints.soton.ac.uk/449344/ https://sweetinstitute.com/personal-growth-in-relationships-a-journey-of-mutual-evolution/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-addiction/202501/the-power-of-relationships-in-driving-self-improvement https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26997969/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4795838/ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/09/the-difference-between-dependency-and-codependency https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2352250X14000025 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202210/creating-healthy-interdependence-in-your-relationship https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-based-on-interdependence-4161249 https://codependencyrecovery.org/2024/01/04/the-need-to-prove-oneself/ https://bobcat-gopher-ljrz.squarespace.com/blog/change-self-change-relationship-growth https://www.talkspace.com/blog/insecurity-in-relationships/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6131030/ https://www.talkspace.com/blog/self-sabotaging-relationship/ https://davidtianphd.com/beyond-success/brutal-truth-why-always-toxic-relationships-how-to-break-free-7/ https://meridianuniversity.edu/content/codependent-vs-dependent-the-impact-on-personal-relationships https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201911/are-you-the-only-one-trying-to-fix-your-relationship https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/understanding-emotional-avoidance https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8210843/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7065936/
Sources: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/relational-intimacy/202304/encouraging-your-partner-to-change https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/A-longitudinal-investigation-of-relational-catalyst-Tomlinson-Feeney/2409831f1801d2303f7a1b52a1d6933d97e96cc6 https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/secure-connections/202410/moving-your-relationship-from-meh-to-meaningful https://dallasmentalhealth.com/self-esteem-vs-self-efficacy/ https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-efficacy-2795954 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11556260/ https://www.apa.org/pi/aids/resources/education/self-efficacy https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/ https://pure.eur.nl/files/149738270/2023-93532-001.pdf https://www.southampton.ac.uk/~crsi/Individual_self.pdf https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9752820/ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/2158244013505292 https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4198626/ https://www.thechelseapsychologyclinic.com/therapy/feeling-like-a-fraud-at-work/ https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/impostor-syndrome https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0883035512001103 https://bobcat-gopher-ljrz.squarespace.com/blog/change-self-change-relationship-growth https://www.verywellmind.com/how-anxiety-can-cause-relationship-problems-1393090 https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/biochemistry-genetics-and-molecular-biology/performance-anxiety https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5256475/ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.3102/0034654320919354 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0092656685900054 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8834764/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-real-superheroes/202010/i-am-not-good-enough-managing-imposter-syndrome https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201712/the-clearest-sign-that-a-partner-is-not-the-one https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/00332941231152389 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1041608024000554 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886925000820 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7391967/ https://www.jstor.org/stable/41502403 https://ctsi.au/postgrad/Simonfinley_thesis.pdf https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/am-pdf/10.1111/bjso.12378 There probably are more that I forgot to mention or missed.
Song of the day XI
One Ok Rock - Heartache
Sometimes we want to end some things, we want to let go, we try and try again, but sometimes something in us is working against ourselves and that just causes more pain for we are not just fighting to let go of something, to end something, we are also fighting part of ourselves.
"The travellers now turned their faces to the journey; the sun was before them, and their eyes were dazzled, for all were filled with tears. Gimli wept openly. ‘I have looked the last upon that which was fairest,’ he said to Legolas his companion. ‘Henceforward I will call nothing fair, unless it be her gift.’ He put his hand to his breast. ‘Tell me, Legolas, why did I come on this Quest? Little did I know where the chief peril lay! Truly Elrond spoke, saying that we could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come, had I known the danger of light and joy. Now I have taken my worst wound in this parting, even if I were to go this night straight to the Dark Lord. Alas for Gimli son of Glo´in!’ ‘Nay!’ said Legolas. ‘Alas for us all! And for all that walk the world in these after-days. For such is the way of it: to find and lose, as it seems to those whose boat is on the running stream. But I count you blessed, Gimli son of Glo´in: for your loss you suffer of your own free will, and you might have chosen otherwise. But you have not forsaken your companions, and the least reward that you shall have is that the memory of Lothlo´rien shall remain ever clear and unstained in your heart, and shall neither fade nor grow stale.’ ‘Maybe,’ said Gimli; ‘and I thank you for your words. True words doubtless; yet all such comfort is cold. Memory is not what the heart desires. That is only a mirror, be it clear as Kheled-zaˆram. Or so says the heart of Gimli the Dwarf. Elves may see things otherwise. Indeed I have heard that for them memory is more like to the waking world than to a dream. Not so for Dwarves."
Song of the day X
Three Days Grace - I Am Machine
Sometime you just feel like a machine - feel nothing, do what you are used to not thinking or feeling, just a machine like movements and attitude. We all feel that at some point, to the point that feeling something like pain would be almost preferable: "There's beauty in the bleeding At least you feel something" "I am machine, a part of me Wishes I could just feel something" Sure, it shouldn't be like that, it's not optimal, but sometimes things just are the way they are. "Here's to being human Taking it for granted The highs and lows of living To getting second chances" "I wish I knew what it was like To care about what's right or wrong I wish someone could help me find Find a place where I belong, but"
Song of the day IX
Polyphia - Ego Death feat. Steve Vai
Release your Ego and embrace the true Self
Song of the day VIII
One Ok Rock - Fight the Night Once, a person that I hold very dear, said that this is a good song for rainy days. I never looked at it from that point of view, but I see that vibe in it through its play on sun and, to no surprise, rain. Why I'm mentioning it - it is important to try to look at things from more than one perspective. Or in the words of Mr. Keating (if you know, you know): "I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. You see, the world looks very different from up here. You don’t believe me? Come see for yourself. Come on. Come on! Just when you think you know something, you have to look at it in another way. Even though it may seem silly or wrong, you must try!"
"Here comes the rain So many scars never fade This is the price of war And we've paid with time" - In words of poet and playwright Rainis: "Time is the cheapest and at the same time the most precious thing we have, because thanks to it – time – we get everything." It is the one thing we think we have plenty and are taken aback when we see how fast we are running out of it or past it. The one thing we give away so easily and one thing with which we pay for everything. Every struggle we have leaves some effects on us, might be just experience, might be scars, but for the all of them we also pay with our time. Time to go through it, not just in the moment, but also afterwards, time to deal with aftermath.
"We'll fight fight till there's nothing left to say (Whatever it takes) Fight fight till your fears they go away The light is gone and we know once more We'll fight fight till we see another day" - If anything, then this is pure inspiration and boost for determination. We all should strive to move through our struggles, not loosing hope, for there is light that will eventually break through the clouds and shine upon us. We should all push forward, through any fear and darkness because there is a new day, yet that day seems more unreachable and present seems more darker as we get closer to that new day. Push, even if just a little, till there is nothing left to say and you can begin to count your scars, to heal. Move forward, if just a bit, for movement, even the slightest one, is life and freezing in place is akin to death. Go through fear, through pain, push through, the light, the next day is all worth it, even if it does not seem like it now.
"Let's move along, it's late The sun will rise once again This field is lined with the brave Souls in relief" - Every new day after the days of dark and struggle do feel like you are standing on sort of mental battlefield that is lined with brave souls. Oh and the feeling to just lie down and join them, to relax, to be there in the moment and enjoy the momentary relief. Just like after every storm that passes over us and every storm that passes in real life there will be a relief in a way of sun shining over us and over the land in front of us. After every night, no matter how long and dark it feels, there will be a dawn and sun will rise. I find it a lot harder to express any positive sentiment or write about something positive or inspirational even in such objectively easy to understand themes as sun after the rain. It is easier to express the so called negative emotions, feelings and sentiments. They feel more close, more 'at home'.
*Chosen are just the parts of the lyrics that speak to me the most at the current point of time, they are, however considered in the full context of the song. Thoughts are my own. Interpretation of the song and meaning put into into the lyrics and their interpretation is purely subjective*
Song of the day VII
Jacob Lee - Tragic Comedy
"Stencils and needles and ink Covered up all the scars that I wore A decoy designed on my skin Until I wasn't me anymore" - We tend to shy away from openly showing our scars, thinking of them as something shameful or as something that might be used against us. It's natural, who would want to have a chance in getting hurt. We cover them up more and more with hopes that they won't be there one day, that we'll burry them so deep that nothing of them will remain. But we have that attitude with many things, not just scars, but with perceived flaws as well. I ain't perfect, not even great by a long shot, yet I am the person I am and try to make best with the hand that I've been dealt. Our scars, same way our flaws, are not something we should shy away from. They might not be pleasant but they are there, they are part of us. We should learn from them, learn to deal with them and live with them. Both, the scars and the flaws, will come out at one point or another, so be fine with them existing. You are you, you are great and enough, but there always is a room for growth and betterment. As Tyrion said in Game of Thrones: "Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you," and I just think that fits so well in topic of covering your scars and flaws.
"If it's weakness, I've achieved it If it's sorrow, I deceived it If these colours were my feelings Then my blood is black for a reason" - We are our own worst enemy and the harshest critic, gladly tearing ourselves down when we feel inadequate, covering our own feelings and emotions for many different reasons, deceiving ourselves. No feeling or emotion will disappear if we cover them, they still be there just gnawing at us from the inside. Same way when we tear ourselves down with criticism. We might see that as normal, as fine, "I'm just talking to myself", but reality is that the inner 'I' hears us and we end up beating ourselves up for real not just as a way of coping. Be nicer to yourself, inner 'You' is always listening and slowly reacting to all that. We naturally associate certain colours with certain traits, feelings or emotions even without us delving deeper into the colour theory. While black is not usually associated with something good, I think that to certain extent people with black blood aka someone that might be not really a sunshine personality, tend to have such a bright light in them that if shown can be really blinding in a positive way. Most are just hurt, defensive or misunderstood really, but given the chance they can and they will shine if the trust you.
"Would you show me Which of my wounds made you loathe me? Which of my flaws hurt you mostly? All of these faults, yet, you chose me" - It is easy to go looking for our flaws or wounds that might have influenced or hurt others even when our flaws have nothing to do with it. Sometimes we focus too much on them and project that outwards that we are nothing but flaws and wounds, and because of them we can't possibly be loved or that if we are we will, because of them, destroy what connection or love we have. That is inherently fatalistic approach and in attempt to run, to "save" the other person from these our wounds and flaws we actually end up projecting it all and pushing those people away when in reality they did not care for any of that, that it all was perfect for them the way it was, that we were perfect in their eyes. We essentially create a self fulfilling prophecy that had no place to be in the first place. Weirdness about love is that we tend to feel ourselves not worthy when we have plenty of "bad" things in us, be it wounds, flaws, and anything else, yet that is so only in our own eyes. True love, and I mean true one, not the one that is mostly just 'I like them', which we often times confuse with love, tends to be blind to those things we might don't like or hate about ourselves, and I do not mean it in a toxic way. I do like the quote of Hermann Hesse in this regard, and I do agree with it: "When you like someone, you like them in spite of their faults. When you love someone, you love them with their faults." Do not deny yourself love because of fear, feeling of lacking, possible pain or flaws. Love is one hell of an energy that helps us actually heal, that helps us grow and become more and better version of us. Do not wait till you become 'adequate', you'll be waiting till you end up in the ground. Live now.
"Still expose me Peel off my skin, oh, so slowly You'll find a boy, oh, so lonely He is why you couldn't know me" - We hide ourselves under layers and layers of various things, characters, masks, hiding the real us. And by hiding the real us behind so many layers we tend to forget to actually develop it, to be in sync with it. Sometimes we can slowly expose ourselves more and more by ourselves, sometimes we need some help and sometimes we just have to do that so that things would work out for us with someone, for if we share a connection with someone through mask and without any input from the real us, then how real it really is? If we base our connections on or through characters we play then how much of that is genuine and for how long can it actually live? Once we start peeling layers off, like peeling off skin, we might reach the real us that we hid long time ago, still a kid that we didn't develop really and were not in sync with. How can you open up and help someone know you if you do not know yourself, if you have kept yourself lonely and hidden from yourself? We learn to know ourselves through interacting with ourselves as much as we learn from interacting with others. So don't hide yourself from others and especially yourself, don't be foolishly open to everything and everyone, but do not hide as well. Find your voice, the longer you wait and keep it hidden the harder it will be to find it, but it is worth it.
*Chosen are just the parts of the lyrics that speak to me the most at the current point of time, they are, however considered in the full context of the song. Thoughts are my own. Interpretation of the song and meaning put into into the lyrics and their interpretation is purely subjective*
Song of the day VI
NF - Paralyzed This is the rare case of a song that I know always will have an impact on me, that I know will feel like a train to the face and sledgehammer to the guts. It will always bring things out I think I am fine with now or think I have dealt with before. "You think you've worked through it? Think again!" "It's all in the past, you're over it? Surprise!" "Wanna cry? I got ya!" It is hard to choose just some parts of it because every line in it hits home, deep and without any remorse. The whole sound, the tempo, the lyrics, the voice, the melody, literally every aspect just hits on so many different deep levels. This song has been probably the only constant companion in times of pain and struggle of different and any levels, from the day it came out. Didn't really feel it at first, but the more I listened, the more I felt it deep in me. If there is one song that has the ability to mess me up - it is this one. Because of how impactful it feels for me, how heavy it is, I was not sure if I even should write something in or around it. I could just leave it as is and still would be satisfied, to me it is self explanatory and at the same time can be interpreted in so many ways - adapted to so many cases and scenarios. To me this song is not just a mood setting, not just something that emphasizes and brings out certain feelings and emotions, this is a statement that if I find it in my playlist playing at this moment in time I can be sure - I'm in a deep hole. Yet it has certain level of comfort, almost as if someone is understanding you, as if someone knows what you are going through without talking to you. In essence that feels like you are talking to yourself, to the part of you that is hurting, and that is comforting you. Does this make you feel better? No, but it lets you just float in all of those emotions you have without feeling fully overwhelmed, it lets the feelings, emotions and pain that you have been holding inside wash over you. Does it help with heeling? Probably, you work through things, you feel everything through and hopefully that eases your life a bit even if just for a faint moment afterwards. I usually skip the parts in the lyrics that are repeating themselves, but in this case that would seem like a disservice. It's hard to write something unique about every separate lyric part purely because they all tie in together so well.
"When did I become so numb? When did I lose myself? All the words that leave my tongue Feel like they came from someone else" - Numb. Something I am all too familiar with, and that is not a Linkin Park song reference (it might have been though). We are members of the human race, we feel things, at least we should - beauty of the world around us, depth of our emotions, warmth of the sun, pain of loss, emptiness of vastness and many more. Numbness, we develop it as a defence mechanism to not break, at least not completely. Mind becomes too heavy, emotions and feelings too overwhelming and we just start to almost pray that we would not feel a thing, the we would be a machine (that's a Three Days Grace reference, yes). Sometimes all that is just thoughts, sometimes it all becomes a reality - we stop feeling, we numb ourselves enough so that there is no more pain. We might care rationally, but there is no feeling, no warmth. We have lost part of us, yet we try to convince us it is better that way. Why feel when it only brings pain and suffering, at least being numb has no pain, has no side effects. Right? Till the moment comes when we want to feel, when we should feel something. That is still us, we just have lost part of us and now we feel like a stranger to ourselves. Once we try to remind us how it is to feel, we come to the closest thing we remember how to feel - pain. And so we are tempted to go back to that forsaken loop of becoming numb again. It is tempting to run away from pain, but we shouldn't. We can always work like some mindless machine, but feeling things is what brings colour to the life, the good, the bad, the ugly, the pleasant. We should feel and not kill that part of us.
"I'm paralyzed Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should I'm paralyzed Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me Inside I'm paralyzed" - It ties in well with the last part, as it should. Once we have pushed ourselves into numbness and now want to feel something again, we still rationally understand that we should feel something regarding this or that thing or event. We know that feelings should be there, we might even know what kind of feelings, yet we do not feel them. It feels like we have lost part of us and no longer are whole, the real us. We feel that part of us is lost and thus become lost ourselves because of that. When you are in this inner conflict of being numb and fighting it to feel something again, fighting to regain what you have lost, that brings out another, entirely different kind of pain and struggle that we have to deal with. We fight and kill ourselves inside trying to find a way to fix what we in a desperate attempt to save us have killed.
"When did I become so cold? When did I become ashamed? (Oh) Where's the person that I know? They must have left They must have left With all my faith" - Numbness isn't just us not feeling some emotions or feelings so that we can continue living, moving on or acting like we are fine. Numbness is us becoming cold to the world around, to the things that we once valued and that brought us joy are not nothing but some routine, some actually worthless distraction. Why would we feel ashamed? Because we have lost ourselves, what was once there is not anymore, what was once whole now is cracked if not scattered in pieces. We might start to separate the 'I' before with the 'I' present, looking at that person from the past as a stranger for us now. We delve into the cycle of blaming them - us for what they have done to us, that they broke us, took all our faith in ourselves and sent us packing leaving us to fend for ourselves unprepared. We thought we knew ourselves, the person that we are, but now we actively disassociate with ourselves since part of us is missing.
"I'm paralyzed, I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die And if life is pain, then I buried mine A long time ago, but it's still alive And it's taking over me, where am I? I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside But I don't feel nothing, I wonder why I'm in the race of life and time passed by" - It is a strange condition of uncertainty - wanting to live yet being scared of that, scared of taking steps in life to enjoy it, to live and at the same time being so apathetic, so numb that you almost want to die yet are afraid of death at the same time. It is a fear of life and death mixed with certain level of apathy that all is born from the numbness we have put our selves in. We have buried the pain that we thought was all our life with the help of numbness, yet, is it really gone? Life goes on. Pain, while buried, isn't really gone. it is still there, we just blissfully assume or hope that it is gone, that numbness killed it. Just like it is slowly killing us. At one point it will all come back up, whether while we try to deal with ourselves and find the lost parts of us, whether while we are blissfully unaware of it and have left our guard down. It will come back, it will try to take over us and because we have put so much into being numb it will wash over us unexpected and with force. As much as it is appealing to be numb, and at some situations it pays off to be numb, it is not worth it. It is not worth it losing part of ourselves or ourselves wholly to or because of that. Sometimes we do not have a choice, sure, but when we do have one we should always try to keep the real 'I' as intact and whole as possible. There are moments were saving the real 'I' is only possible by putting up a wall of numbness to protect it and us. Just remember to take it down.
"Look, I sit back and I watch it Hands in my pockets Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em I just watch 'em" - This, I think, is a great description of apathy that comes with and from being numb or just by numbing ourselves. We just sit there without acting or even reacting to the events or the world around us in general. We just let the events wash over us without any care. There is certain stoicism in that, but is one to be stoic when facing the world and there is being numb, being apathetic to the world around. The line is a lot more clearer than it sometimes might feel or we might think, do not mistake apathy for stoicism and vice versa.
"I'm underwater but I feel like I'm on top of it I'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem is I'm in a box, but I'm the one who locked me in Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen" - This is very colorful description of images or ideas I already mentioned - that we essentially drown ourselves while convincing ourselves that we are actually helping us. We suffocate ourselves by putting us in a box we created and locking it, convincing ourselves that all is in the name of something better, that it is what we need now to survive and perhaps strive. We are imprisoning parts of us through sweet sweet lies to ourselves, we are chaining our souls while they were meant to fly. It is hard to try fixing ourselves, to healing when all seems bleak - putting ourselves in some form of lines, box seems like a decent idea just to avoid or "deal" with pain and what has overwhelmed us. We are meant to be full, to be free. Free from the chains we put on ourselves and the chains others put on us as well.
"I'm paralyzed (yeah, I'm just so paralyzed) Where are my feelings? (Yeah, I'm just so paralyzed) I no longer feel things (I have no feelings) I know I should (oh, how come I'm not moving) (Why are you not moving?)" - This just feels like a great ending for the song. To me looks like it is made like two conflicting parts of us are fighting each other in is. One just being apathetic and acknowledging the reality of not feeling, while the other one is angry, pissed off from the lack of action, from the lack of everything that is happening and is not at the same time. Two sides. We decide which one to feed, to support. I really hope that we, if not always then at least eventually, pick the side that is for and wants life, the side that yearns for colours in our life, that strives to feel all the different aspects of the world around. We are not machines, we are meant to experience life, not watch as it marches past, we are meant to do things, to feel, to make stupid decisions that we learn from and can laugh about or remember fondly afterwards. We live every day, but we die once. Unless, of course, if you let fear rule over you, then you die at least two times. So be brave in face of the life - seize the day while you may.
*Chosen are just the parts of the lyrics that speak to me the most at the current point of time, they are, however considered in the full context of the song. Thoughts are my own. Interpretation of the song and meaning put into into the lyrics and their interpretation is purely subjective*
Song of the day V
Anson Seabra - I Can't Carry This Anymore Probably the most depressing piece so far. It's the case of when taking certain lyrics hardly works, certainly writing something more about them is hard. They are self-explanatory, almost like writing more about them is doing them disservice. Everyone has those moments of feeling down, everyone has moments of lows kicking in, and each one of us will find something different in this song since the lows that come kicking in are unique to us. Situations might be the same, but the exact low we are feeling is our own.
"Feel it heavy in my bones now Feel like everybody goes out… …Try to medicate the lows that Come and meet me in the night time, losing track of my time" - Sometimes everything just feels too much, too heavy. Emotional weight slowly shifts to the weight on your own body and then you end up fighting your own body as much as you are already fighting your own mind. Everything just feels bleaker, that everybody is leaving even if that is not necessary the case, because of that everything else becomes even more heavier. The endless cycle. The lows kick in any time, not asking our permission. We might keep them at bay with distractions, not dealing with them. Then at night when we are the most vulnerable they come kicking in, with overwhelming force. We get overwhelmed, even when we try to hold it together we end up just letting it all out, not caring for the time or the world around. It is just us and the feelings, nothing else exists in the world. Of course we try to deal with them, to find a 'medicine' for them, for ourselves. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. One consistent, unfailing thing is the lows that just seem to break the doors to us.
"Mama said gonna be all right But mama don't know what it's like in my mind Mama said that the sun gon' shine But mama don't know what it's like to want to die" - We can try to support others, listen to them, try to understand them to the best of our ability. Thing is, no matter how much we try we won't be able to do that, to understand them fully even if we put everything in that. It is not because we are horrible people or don't really care, it is because of our human nature. Words can just go so far, our own understanding can go just so far. We might say we understand, but do we really 'understand'? There is a difference between understanding rationally and understanding deeply emotionally. Some things just cannot be conveyed fully. Just one word: 'sad', can mean so many different things for each and every one of us at different points of time in our life. Does that mean we should stop trying to understand each other? No. It is easier to understand, to connect, to support someone when you yourself have been in those lows, in those situations. Or you have had the experience that have taught you the value of or the empathy itself. It is hard to understand how we feel, even yet so harder to understand the mind and the deep feelings of other person. If we care, we definitely should try doing that and thus hopefully making the day a little bit more easier for someone, hopefully bringing some light into their darkness. Sometime just existing and being with them is enough to stave off the encroaching darkness.
"I can't carry this anymore Heavy from the hurt inside my veins I can't carry this anymore Wonder what it's like to be okay" - It all gets too much, it feels it gets too much. We keep going till every step is a heavy burden that takes most of our energy. Sometimes it gets too heavy for us and we just try to stand up and not fall, not crumble under the weight. It's okay. Sometimes not falling down is what we need, the only thing we can do. It's okay. Every burden for each of us is heavy in its own way, what one person can carry with ease, for some will feel like the weight of the world on their shoulders. It's okay. It's okay to just stand still, to sit down when everything feel too heavy, when pain becomes too heavy burden to carry. It's okay. When everything seems so dark and heavy around all we want to feel, to be is okay. We can forget how does it feel to be okay when the pain, the darkness, the weight has been there for such a long time that it seems that's the only thing that exists in the world. It's okay. We can fall down, sometimes we need that as much as horrible that might not sound, but we always have to try pick ourselves up. Can't really see anything looking down at the dirt. There might be darkness all around but you'll miss the light that is trying to break through the clouds. Just out of reach. Yet. Even if we have to pick ourselves up and rebuild ourselves piece by piece, it is all worth it, it is worth the life. Don't ever forget that you are worthy of life, of it's beauty, of the love, the sun and stars above. Even when it might seem the heaviest and darkest, do not forget that asking for help is okay, it is a sign of life, a sign of strength. "That you are here—that life exists and identity, That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse."
"I'll do anything for love, I don't feel like I'm enough You can probably see right through me 'Cause I can promise if you knew me You would probably walk away, no you wouldn't want to stay, oh" - The pain, the heavy burden we put on ourselves or go on with, it doesn't just makes our world dark and bleak, it doesn't just make every step that we take thousand times harder , it kills parts of us. Slowly. Confidence, self-value, interests, passions, love. We start to see ourselves as unworthy of any attention, any connection, any help, any love and any goodness that comes our way. We don't believe we are worthy any of that even if it is standing right in front of us with our name written all over it. We feel like we are not enough for any of that. We become afraid to share, to open parts of us to others because we are afraid that if they see deep inside of us they'll leave us and we wouldn't be able to handle that. So we shut everyone out. Out of fear to show us we do exactly what we are afraid of - separate and run from others. A self fulfilling prophecy. The longer we go on, the darker it gets and the longer and heavier will be the path of healing. We reach the point of apathy, were the pain and burden are just there the constant companions. We push others away out of fear and then hate ourselves for doing that or hate the world for abandoning us. Every one of us is worthy of good, sometimes it takes some courage or trust to extend the hand asking for help, to open up to others. To search for the light. It's hard, it's heavy. Life is for the living, you'll get there. Always.
"I know I'll be fine, it's just that Every time this comes back Tell my maker up above that I have had enough" - You'll be fine, you'll be alright. We forget that amongst all the pain, heaviness and darkness that is in and around us. It certainly doesn't feel like it will be okay. We feel done, done with us, done with pain, done with burden, done with everyone around, done with moving forward. Just done. We want it all to be over, we are done, we have had enough of everything. Sometimes it all relents, giving us small hope, we take it and move on, we try healing. And then it comes crashing down on us like a wave washing that hope away and trying to crush us. So on and so on, till the hope that we once had is crushed and we dare not to have it anymore. "This too shall pass". Have some faith in yourself. The stars, the earth, the sun and the moon, the nature itself has faith in you and it is always there, a silent supporter, a confidante if you need and a silent guardian.
*Chosen are just the parts of the lyrics that speak to me the most at the current point of time, they are, however considered in the full context of the song. Thoughts are my own. Interpretation of the song and meaning put into into the lyrics and their interpretation is purely subjective*