Hello, my dear @carrioncrowned~! I’m your secret Santa and this is my gift for you. I really hope you like this and I hope you have a great time during the holidays °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°
Cold... He was shivering and yet he felt paralyzed. He couldn't move, there was something right above him, holding him down. It almost felt like a heavy body of water and it was gliding inside every pore of his body. He felt he couldn't breath.
What is this? Is this a nightmare? This time he couldn't see the stag that so very often haunted him. He couldn't see anything but darkness swallowing him.
He was conscious, or that he believed. But that only made it worse, it intensified those horrible sensations.
He forced himself to open his eyes. He remembered where he was. Santa Clara, Cuba. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table. 3.26 a.m. I'm Will Graham.
It had been a long time since he had needed to remind himself that, to rethink his own existence on time and space.
With a deep growl he slowly got rid of the feeling of oppression. A gust of wind made him tremble again. He was soaked on his own sweat. The door to the balcony was open, the weak light of the streets peered inside the room and was a source of comfort. He wasn't submersed into darkness.
Slowly he closed his eyes, trying to get back to sleep. Only heart beats could be heard, the cold was disappearing and being taken over by warmth but just as he was starting to lose consciousness his serenity cracked again. This time he shook violently as if he were trying to push that force that was trying to oppress him against the mattress again.
The rest of the night kept going on like that.
-"Won't you join me for breakfast?" Hannibal asked Will from the door threshold. He didn't want to make Will feel uncomfortable when he was clearly fragile so he kept some distance between them.
It took a couple of seconds before Will replied. He was lying on his bed, curled up in the sheets facing the other side of the room. He didn't turn to see Hannibal, he just kept his eyes closed.
-"I'm not hungry." And that was all he said, even if the other man tried to convince him of eating something.
Since they left their old lives behind Will had barely spoken, he had barely eaten. Seeing him getting thinner and shabbier broke Hannibal's heart. He knew life wouldn't turn into a fairy tale just like that after slaying the Dragon, nothing was that easy but he didn't expect to see Will so gaunt.
Even if he rejected the food Hannibal always left something on his nightstand. Sometimes when he came back the food was intact, other times barely touched but at least Will had grabbed something.
The other man got tired of staying passive. He wished to let Will recover at his own pace, give him the space he needed but at the same time he wanted to help him because he couldn't stand being next to him while he was so somber. All he wanted was for Will to be happy, it had always been like that.
The third morning Hannibal entered to Will's room and sat at the edge of the bed. Will's clear eyes seemed blank, focused on nothing; almost lifeless.
-"It pains me to see you like this."
No response. Will wasn't sure how to respond to that. He had accepted Hannibal but he still had a hard time embrassing himself. He had helped Hannibal to escape his imprisonment and followed him but now he felt like he had nothing else to do. What was his life now? It was something he couldn't picture so it was easier to stay in bed and try to sleep even if finding peace in the dreamland was as hard as doing so in real life.
-"I can't help you if you don't tell me what you need." He would give him the world if he only asked him. But again, there was no response, only silence between them.
Will knew he should get up, eat something but he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed. Even though his dreams weren't dark as before there was something, a force he couldn't control that made him sad when he woke up. He wanted to be with Hannibal but he couldn't quite imagine how to start, how it would be. What was really going to happen? Hannibal was in love with him and Will ached for him, hard... it was terrifying the more he thought about it. Some days he wish they both had died, sometimes he simply wanted to disappear because the idea of trying to live was too painful. He had been depressed before, he had been unable to feel any kind of excitement or enjoyment and he was scared that if he got up it would be like that. A happy life with Hannibal was all he wanted because he couldn't picture living without him yet he couldn't imagine how it would be.
When he sensed Hannibal entering to his room to leave a plate of food on his nightstand he closed his eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. He felt tears forming in his eyes and he feared he would sob. Will didn't want Hannibal to hear it, he was aware of the pain he was causing him already.
Just one day alone felt eternal to Hannibal. Another day of seen the love of his life in a deplorable state and unable to do anything.
Once he was alone again Will tried his hardest to sit up and eat.
He barely made a sound but Hannibal could perceive his scent, how couldn't he? But was it an illusion? His loved one suddenly entered to his room and was standing in the dark in front of his bed. He could see his skinny body thanks to the dim lighting from the street that filtered through his window.
-"What happened? Are you alright?" He couldn't hide the concern of his voice but there was no point in doing so.
He was weak, it was clear. It was hard to stay up so he practically felt on the mattress when he tried to sit next to Hannibal.
-"I'm sorry I woke you up... I had a nightmare." His voice was low raspy due to the lack of usage.
-"Don't apologize for something like that, Will." Hannibal was sitting on the bed, his hand stroke Will's curls softly, carefully and loving. He was looked so delicate like he was about to break and all he wanted was to protect him, he wanted to hold him so badly but he was so fragile he might hurt him in his embrace.
Will tried to relax at the touch but his heart was pounding in his chest. It was a warm feeling and he liked it but at the same time it scared him. When was he going to live peacefully again? Had he ever been at peace though? "I thought that maybe... after running away, I would also leave this behind." The doubts, the fear. He had accepted Hannibal so why was so hard to embrace himself?
-"Do you want to talk about it?"
-"Not sure." He rubbed his temples with one hand and a nervous laugh escaped his lips. He felt so helpless. "I don't know what to do." His tone was lower and he fight not to sob. Feeling weak and expose, especially in front of Hannibal was something he wouldn't be able to bear. He was now feeling light-headed and he thought he was about pass out but please not now, not now that he had been able to bring himself there. He wanted to be there, be in the other's company even if he wasn't sure of what to do, what to say.
Both remained silent for a moment. Hannibal leaned back.
There was no reply to his apology, there was no need to say sorry.
Acting like nothing happened between them was too harsh, but that was all he could manage to do.
-"You're not alone anymore." Hannibal wrapped an arm around Will ever so careful. "You don't have to carry the weight of the thoughts that haunt you all by yourself. I can help you if you let me."
Will moved slowly, trying to get closer to Hannibal.
-"Sometimes..." He began to murmur. "Sometimes I feel like I need something to remind me that everything is real. Especially that there's something beyond... beyond sorrow." There were a ton of reminders of pain: night sweats, nightmares, sleep paralysis, night terrors...
He felt that Hannibal pressed the softest and chastess kiss on his forhead and his heart skipped a beat. Now he couldn't suppresed the tears. He thought he saw tears on Hannibal's face as well but the dark room didn't allow him to prove he was right.
-"Is that your reminder for me?"
He didn't get a verbal answer, instead Hannibal nuzzled the crack of his neck and closing his eyes Will let himself leaned on Hannibal wrapped his arms around him to hug him as tightly as his weak muscles allowed him for now, burying his face on Hannibal's shoulder as his hair was caressed lovingly.
With those little signs of affection he surely could spend through the night peacefully. He just needed some time to adapt to it.
Hannibal helped him to get into his bed and settled as close to him as possible. Their bodies were warm with his arms around each other.
That night Will was free of nightmares. Happiness was starting, slowly but surely.
