Neil Josten who has taken in so much more trauma from the Baltimore incident than he even realises. Neil Josten who only realises the absolute damage that this has done to his mind in moments where it is too late. Neil Josten who asks for Andrew to handcuff him to the bed and then immediately loses his shit when suddenly he's no longer in their room, he's just bound to a bed and there's a body looming over him and he can't avoid it and there's nowhere he can go to escape this and the face blurs and who is it really? Is it Lola with those handcuffs? Is it Riko? Wasn't it Andrew? Is he holding the key to those handcuffs or just another knife meant to carve Neil open?
Neil Josten who goes to hang out with the monsters in an abandoned parking lot with abandoned houses, and Andrew decides that he needs a smoke break so he goes to get on one of the houses' roofs, and Neil follows him because ofcourse. And while they're inside, Neil finds a door that leads to the house's basement, and suddenly he's being dragged out of his father's basement to get questioned by the police. Suddenly he has just escaped death by a hair. Suddenly he can't breathe.
If you’re in the cult, there is nothing bizarre abt what’s happening and in fact the normal stuff that happens outside of it is what’s bizarre to you. Target? Weird. McDonald’s? Even weirder. I can like guarantee Jean and Kevin never had McDonald’s until they left the Nest.
When you leave, you’re gonna be paranoid as fuck. All the time. Ngl at least for weeks but sometimes for years. Nightmares and insomnia 24/7. Hallucinations too lmao Riko is in every corner of empty rooms and you can hear his voice echo in the confines of the lockers.
I see a lot of Jean wanting to go back to the Nest, but not a lot of Kevin wanting to go back. He definitely struggled, 100%. In fact when he was in the pits of agony from his broken hand, was when he probably wanted to go back the most. Cult is home, cult is safe. Four walls you’ve always known and while it’s a cage at least it’s dependable. They hurt you but by god it always works out and the reward of pushing through this tragic incident is greater than the terror it caused in the first place. It’s a gift, actually. A gift from Riko. He saved Kevin. Cults save you. Cults make you wanna return to them like damn homing pigeons bruh. Give me more shattered hand Kevin screaming at Wymack to let him go back home and having a breakdown when he’s denied fics thanks
Piggybacking off the last one: cults are saviors; you’re nothing without them and they make sure you truly believe that; that everything that is done to you is for you and you’re blessed for it to be happening. You’re lucky even, to be allowed in it. Everything is as it’s supposed to be and order must never be challenged, because it works, and you’re the Edgar Allan Ravens, and this is the most honorable place you could be. All the pain you go through is you earning the right to be saved and to prove your worth every day on court. Only the worthy are honored.
You justify everything that happened and you will start fights and get angry with people who try to correct you and tell you it was wrong what went on.
On the other hand, you blame yourself for everything ever that happened there whether you were at fault or not. Hurting others, hurting yourself, gaslighting the fuck out of yourself over things maybe you could’ve prevented and over things you never could’ve stopped. The guilt is crippling and it eats you alive and haunts you.
There’s a lot of shame too. I see more guilt written than shame but shame is a huge portion of emotions that cult survivors have. Shits embarassing dude like “god how did I end up thinking this wack ass shit was normal” 😐 Shame comes later in the healing process usually, it’s after you have come to terms with shit that’s happened and you understand it. Looking back, you go “Jesus fucking Christ that was a red flag what the hell. Should’ve left then, or then, or then, or then” and then you’re just plain fuckin embarrassed.
Please look up how hive minds and brainwashing are created and work; understanding these would be incredibly helpful tbfh.
Diets are big; everyone eats the same thing; food is used as a reward and a punishment.
Hype hype hype. They whip up a frenzy of one singular emotion and use that to push you into a blind hysteria because you’re more suspectible to their influence when you’re out of your mind.
Drugs. Depends on the cult. But yeah these little bitches can be a huge factor for shit and can help with the brainwashing and hysteria and trauma bonding. Sometimes you don’t even know you’re being drugged or poisoned until you leave.
OH I ALMOST FORGOT. Dehumanization and then being treated like a person again can be traumatic as fuck yall!! Holy shit! Sometimes it feels worse than being dehumanized!
EDIT AGAIN: you don’t know what mental illness is !! Cults don’t fucking tell you these things lmao. if you show symptoms it’s your fault. Kevin being depressed his mom died was gonna get blamed on him and he was never going to be told grief is normal and it’s okay to be insanely sad. Jean also never got told his anger was correct or his trauma responses to being raped were realistic! They just got blamed for any reactions ever that weren’t neurotypical !! that is all; do with that what you will.
Idk if I think of anything else I’ll write another one but that’s all for now; I haven’t slept much lmao 🫡
sometimes i think about how edgar allan was in west virginia. like why are yall there?? does kevin know about the appalachia lore?? does he have an accent? because he was raised in so many different places with different people, i wonder if he has any like discernible accent.
did they ever mention if he had an accent?? like it'd probably just be based on how tetsuji talked. probably like very controlled for the media, but i still wonder if like the irish comes out sometimes because he was with kayleigh for the first 9 years of his life.
Okay, so this (under the cut) is a little snippet of a raven!andrew fic I've started (this is a sample, so idgaf about typos) where Andrew transfers to Edgar Allan.
It starts with Andrew viosting Nathaniel during Autumn break, and he sees the state Nathaniel is in and realises the type of shit that's going on at Evermore is even worse than what Kevin and Nathaniel “I’m fine” Wesninki would admit to, and he's like determined to get Natheniel out of there. But with Nathaniel being the perfect Court’s number three, it’s not so easy.
Andrew transfers to fulfil his promise of keeping Nathaniel safe (I haven't figured out how Andrew and Nathaniel met in this, maybe they were pen-pals when Andrew was in juvie or smth else IDK) and also for a tiny bit for Kevin.
Basically, Andrew made a promise to Nathaniel to protect him from his father and staying at the Nest is not safe (obviously), so he joins to protect him as best he can until they can form a plan to leave. And since Riko has now seen how good a goalie he is and wants him anyway (also because he’s kinda stupid lmfao), he doesn't question Andrew’s sudden decision.
Andrew knows from Nathaniel that Kevin feels guilty about Jean, and since Andrew is with Nathaniel, who is Jean’s partner in the Nest, it works out. It doesn’t hurt that taking the last two members Perfect Court will piss off and humiliate Riko.
(Holy hell, this got long, but please comment + reblog + like if you want me to continue this)
“No? But, Andrew, please. I don’t want to go alone.”
The other Foxes look up as Nicky pursues Andrew into the lounge, then look away again, deciding to politely ignore Nicky’s begging. They’re too tired from practice to deal with this.
“I told you, Nicky. I already have plans.”
Or maybe they do have some energy left, for gossip that is.
“With who?” The ‘You have no one else.’ goes unsaid but not unheard.
Andrew ignores it, “That doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does!” Nicky exhales sharply, “Give me a name or I’m going to think you're just blowing me off!”
Andrew shrugs, already walking away, “I am. It’s just a coincidence I have plans.”
Nicky follows him, too upset to care about the knife that would be in his face before he could blink, “Please, Andrew, you know I can’t deal with Dad alone.”
Andrew does’ turn, “And you know how I hate that word.”
“Who's more important than your cousin?”
Andrew scoffs, “For starters, Kevin and Bee, and-”
“Fine.” Nicky storms out.
At length, Aaron says, “That was a dick move, Andrew.”
“Don’t grandstand. You’re thrilled I’m not going.” With that, Andrew is gone.
When an engine roars to life in the car park, Aaron rolls his eyes and smacks his forehead, “Real mature. Can I get a ride with you, Renee?”
She smiles, “Of course.”
-
They find Nicky pacing outside, but he brightens when he sees them, eagerly hopping into the bed of Matt’s truck.
“So you really don’t know who he’s going to see this weekend?”
Nicky shakes his head. “If I did, I’d know who to feel sorry for,” he says bitterly.
Kevin is silent.
–
Tuesday morning rolls in slowly, with fog from an autumn thunderstorm clouding the morning sun.
Aaron is the first to notice his brother’s absence, probably because he’s used to avoiding him like the plague. He wakes up slowly, taking the time to enjoy the Andrew-free dorm until Kevin wakes ten minutes later.
“You’re back? I thought you’d already left?”
“No? I’ve been back since 3:00. Why?” Somehow, Kevin is fully alert, despite having just woken up. A habit formed for survival in The Nest.
Aaron winces. “I thought Andrew was with you. Not that I care where he is, but you do so…”
“No, he’s not here.” And that’s all Kevin offers
-
At practice, Wymack questions Kevin on Andrew’s absence, more out of surprise that he’d let himself be left alone than Andrew fucking off out of nowhere, but Kevin says nothing helpful.
“He told me last night he wanted a head start on his plans since he’s driving.”
Wymack sighs, knowing he’ll have to accept that. “Do you at least know when he’ll be back?”
“He promised me next Monday morning.”
A groan, “Alright. Well, get to work.”
-
None of the Foxes, save for Kevin and Renee, do much practising. Thanksgiving break starts tomorrow, and they’re all wondering about who their bastard goalkeeper could be spending a week with. Kevin is a beast. If he’s usually strict, he’s a tyrant now. No one calls him on it; they know Andrew’s absence must be weighing on him. They can only imagine what he’ll be like for nearly a week with no class work to distract him.
“Hey!” When Kevin finally grants the team a water break, Aaron jogs over, cheeks red, “Hey, if you can come with Nicky and me on Thursday, if you want?” He pauses, trying to gauge Kevin’s mood. The stern facade makes it nigh impossible sometimes.
“I know Luther and Maria aren’t anyone’s idea of a holiday break, but it’s only a couple of hours, and if it’s just me, they’re going to they’re me pick sides, and I am too fucking tired for that. Nicky is emotional, and my temper is short; it would be, erm, helpful to have a third party there. And, hey, it’s free food.”
Kevin studies Aaron for a moment before nodding, “Sure.”
Aaron can’t make himself quite smile, but without his brother hovering like a guard dog, talking to Kevin isn’t entirely unpleasant. “Thank you. I’ll come with you to the court as much as you want until Andrew gets back.”
At this, Kevin frowns. “You don’t want to do that. I’ll be fine on my own.”
The sudden rebuff after the agreement surprises Aaron a little: “Oh, okay.” He winces when Kevin shouts for everyone to get back to work.
-
Kevin mostly leaves the others alone for the second half of practice, drilling hard with Renee. By the end of it, she’s still smiling, but looks like she’s about to collapse.
Dan ushers everyone to the showers, but she, Kevin, Renee and Nicky linger.
“Jeez, Kevi, don’t kill her.” Nicky, a little out of breath himself from Kevin’s maniacal drilling, scolds.
“It’s fine.” She assures.
Nicky raises an eyebrow, “You sure?”
“Yeah.” She smiles gently, offering a thumbs-up.
“She needs to be ready to play whole games,” Kevin says.
“What? Andrew is coming back… right?”
Kevin says nothing but “It’s always good to be prepared.”
“I mean, yeah, I guess. But he’s coming off his meds soon, so it’ll be fine.” Not quite assured, Nicky heads off to the showers, and Dan follows.
When they’re alone, Renee asks, “I don’t need specifics, Kevin, but is he coming back?”
“I didn’t lie to Wymack. What Andrew told me is that he’d be coming back with an extra sub for us, or he’ll be gone for a while. He didn’t say for how long.”
Renee nods. “Then I’ll be ready.”
“I know.”
-
The Upperclassmen mostly forget about Andrew’s absence, enjoying the short break with their families or among themselves, until Monday morning, when they enter the stadium to the sound of an argument. Naturally, they follow the sound, feeling only a bit guilty as tehy press their ears against the door to Wymack’s office.
“I can’t just let you-”
“You aren’t letting me do anything. You have no say in this.” Andrew sounds the same as always.
“Yes, I do! If this is for Kevin’s sake, then he’s safe here, we can protect him right here, you don’t have to-” There’s the sound of papers being shuffled.
“I don’t do anything because I have too. You must have picked up on that by now, no?”
“I did.” Wymack grits out, “However, you are a core member of this team, I won’t let you go without a reason.”
Andrew’s bark of a laugh echoes, “How about this then-”
Kevin pushes the Foxes away and swings the door open just wide enough for him to slip inside. “Let him go.”
Wymack looks up. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he told you about this. Did you put him up to this?”
“No. But Renee is ready to do whole games. And with Jackie, we still have the numbers we need.” Wymack looks between the two players for a long moment, and Kevin says, “Shouldn’t Andrew get something he wants for once?”
Wymack turns to Andrew, “You want this?”
“It’s what I don’t want. I don’t want to be on a team with my annoying ass brother who hates me and my creepy cousin who fears me. And I’m tired. I’m tired of never getting higher than rock bottom. I’m tired of being considered a monster in a team that has no right to call anyone else a fuck up. Can you blame me for wanting to go where I’m wanted for once? Is it so wrong to want something better?” It’s the first time Andrew has raised his voice, the first time the Foxes have heard him angry over the haze of the drugs.
Wymack has nothing to say, and neither does Kevin. If he didn’t know better, he’d believe every word. It wasn’t even that good of a performance, just that no one knew any different. But the entire speech should’ve been a red flag. Andrew cares barely enough about anything to have opinions like that, and he doesn’t want anything. But they don’t have to know that.
“Well, then, I can’t stop you.” Wymack huffs, resigned. He watches Kevin as Andrew walks out the door. Kevin keeps his head high, his face unreadable.
Then chaos breaks loose.
“What the hell?”
“What the fuck?”
“What was that?”
“Is he leaving?”
“Where is he going?”
Wymack slams a ball to the ground for silence. “Calm down, all of you animals!” He waits until they obey, “Andrew is leaving, yes. Effective today, he’s transferring to Edgar Allan to finish his final two and a half years of university there.”
The effect is immediate: “Wh-what!?” followed by “Why?”
“I’m going to grant you all the grace of ignoring your assessment of my IQ if you think I didn’t know you all were eavesdropping. You all know as much as I do. I’m not sure what prompted that outburst, but it’s true, Coach Moriyama has wanted him for a while now.”
“But he turned him down last year.” Dan points out.
“I know, and I have no idea what prompted him to change his mind, but he signed their contract, there’s nothing I can do now. Trust me, I tried.”
The Foxes believe their coach, of course, they do, so naturally, all eyes fall on Kevin.
“Kevin, did you know about this?” Dan asks.
Before he can form an answer, Aaron is on him. Their height difference feels like nothing now with the triangular glass trophy at his neck. “Did you give him to Riko in exchange for your safety?” He may not adore his brother, but Kevin doing that to anyone isn’t right.
Kevin can’t breathe, the trophy pressing into his throat, and Aaron’s not insignificant weight on his chest, still, he manages to spit and push him off. “Fuck you, Aaron! I thought you thought of me better.” He tries to roll the sensation out of his neck, “I can’t even make him pick up a fucking racquet if he doesn’t want to, you really think I could make him do something like this? And even if I could, you think I’d want Riko to get his hands on something he wants?”
“Then why?” Aaron asks, a little breathless from his uncharacteristic moment of aggression. The fiery ire isn’t entirely spent. “Oh, come on, he must have told you.”
“Does it have something to do with his trip?” Nicky asks what they’re all thinking.
“I- I can’t tell you.”
“Is this part of your deal?” Aaron hasn’t let go of the trophy yet, and his expression makes Kevin almost more wary than he ever was of Andrew.
“Not exactly. I am involved because it’s the Ravens, but this is personal, like Andrew told Coach.”
“What could Andrew possibly have to do with the Ravens if it’s not you?”
“He was in West Virginia, but all he told me was that he’d be coming back with an extra sub for us, and if not, he wouldn’t come back at all this year.”
The corridor is silent as that sinks in.
“Who is this sub?”
“He didn’t say?”
“No.”
“What position?”
Kevin can only shake his head.
“Well, what makes him think he could’ve just taken a Raven anyway? I mean, I know Riko fancies you a little more than everyone else, as often as Ravens ‘disappear’, but with how much of a fight he put up for you, I doubt he’d let anyone else just waltz out either.” Nicky blinks rapidly, but his eyes water anyway.
“You’re right, Nicky and I don’t know what the hell he’s doing. And believe me, he knows what it was like for me there. He knows what’s waiting for him. I don’t know if he thinks he’ll have it easier or something because Riko wants him. I didn’t think he was so arrogant, but believe me, he’s under no delusions about the conditions at Evermore. If he’s doing this, it’s because he wants to, or at least thinks he does.”
What is Evermore refering to exactly? Because the school is named Edgar Allan and the Ravens living quarters are refered to as "the Nest". But Jean's mantra is that he is a Raven and that he belongs at Evermore. Is it their court? Thinking about it that actually seems most likely, I think it's also referred to as Castle Evermore sometimes.
